Cold Shock

'Will tonight be what I fear, a plaintive Pas-de-deux choreographed to the requiem for a dying marriage, danced without desire for an audience of strangers?'

I wish my life could be that dramatic, that flowery, even that corny, but my journal reflects the me I want to be, crushed under the weight of the me that I am.

I know my husband Joel and I love each other, but what brought us together ultimately kept us apart. We had severely repressive religious upbringings, we're socially inept engineering nerds, and what passes for our sexuality is nothing more than a fumbling shuffle of shame and embarrassment in the dark, both literally and figuratively. I doubt anybody believes that people like us still exist, but we do. That's all we do.

If Joel knew how much I'd been masturbating in the last few months, he'd be shocked. If my mother knew, she would have beaten me across the back with a belt, like she did when I was thirteen. If she knew I was doing it with a three inch thick dildo in my anus, she would have used a tire iron. I wanted an orgasm, but I didn't even know what it was.

I watched progressively more shocking pornography, looking for some kind of spark, something that would unlock some kind of unknown door for me. I would welcome even the rankest of perversions if it transported me from the purgatory of my life. I worked my way up to thicker dildos and vibrators. Always close, but never fulfilled through vaginal insertions, I found modest success by ignoring my own mortification to subject myself to anal penetration, and it seemed to help me reach at least the higher slopes, but ever short of the summit. Eventually I employed a butt plug, which I took to carrying inside me all day at work, hoping that the growing pleasure would allow me to more easily reach my crescendo when I was free to make the attempt.

It makes me tingle inside to remember the day, six weeks ago, when I finally found success. I cried as I did those forbidden things. I cried and I prayed to God to understand me, even if I did not understand myself.

As I fingered my pussy and fucked my anus, I watched the godless harlot in the mirror, although I still could not look her in the face. I felt no pain from my latest, fattest dildo, signalling that I needed thicker, that I needed my new friend, the pain to return to me, to help me.

As always, I felt the stirrings of the magma boiling below, still trapped just beneath the surface, unable to affect the eruption I craved.

Tears began to pool, but I fought them, considering that maybe what I needed was some drastic shock to my system. Pinching my nipples hard didn't do it. If I'd had a cattle prod, would have used it. Short of sticking a finger in a light socket, one possibility presented itself. I rose, holding my fake phallus in my asshole as I wobbled into the bathroom.

I climbed into the tub, turned the faucet on cold, keeping the drain open, and laid on my back. Renewed, feverish efforts on my pussy began to bring me back up, my body heaving as I mashed the dildo in and out of me. I was getting there again, I was at that point, my breath struggling in short, steady gasps, my fingers raking furiously across my clit. I was rising, rising, hoping. As the icy water crept past my feet and reached my buttocks, I was right there, so very close, closer than ever before, but stalling.

Using my toes, I pulled the knob on top of the faucet, switching the water flow to the shower head. I shrieked as the frigid water sprayed down on me, piercing me like a thousand needles, but both propelling me upward and taking my mind away from my desire. Fingering myself had run its course and I needed more, or I would lose it once again. I pressed the heel of my hand across my clit and ground it in so hard it that it hurt. I embraced the pain and broke through. I quaked as my first orgasm overtook me, my body jerking uncontrollably as I came.

Against the cold shock of the water, the warm flow of ecstasy spread outward from my vagina until it enveloped me. I heard myself howling in quick staccato bursts as I felt myself sliding over onto my side. I kept mauling my clit as this glorious release reached its zenith, forcing my tears to flow freely, electrifying my flesh, transporting me for a fleeting moment to Heaven.

Just as quickly, it passed, and I fell into a fetal position, freezing under the relentless icy deluge, shivering in its merciless onslaught.

I shut off the water and slumped back against the cold porcelain and slowly pulling my monstrous toy out. Letting my fingers trace the outline of my dilated hole, I could feel that it was wider than ever, almost three inches across, and as was more the case recently, it wasn't closing. I'd been worried about it ever since I had graduated to my two inch thick toys. It usually took over five minutes for it to revert to normal. Now, at three inches, it took even longer.

I was ashamed to have this obscene gaping hole, for it is truly the mark of the whore, but after these past few months, it was the last of these perversions I had adopted that still felt humiliating to me. I wanted to figure out how to introduce anal sex into our awkward sessions, but I would be mortified if Joel ever saw this.

I had hoped things would change since we entered into what they call 'The Lifestyle' a few months ago, but amid a flurry of odd, always uncomfortable play dates, my life remained the same. In any case, I remained the same. Now, we have passionless sex with other couples who serve neither as solution nor distraction.

I can't remember how we decided to do it, or perhaps I don't want to. How did two people, living in each other's shadows yet afraid of their own, ever manage to come to this? It was the blind leading the blind, lemmings to the precipice, and yet we did it. Therapy had failed: we talked no more to the doctor than we did to each other, but we both knew that we needed to do something. My old professor used say, 'If all that is reasonable fails, consider the unreasonable'. We did.

Our first date was a simple, same room swap. I could not bear to watch my husband or look at my own temporary lover as he heaved and grunted over me. It was perfunctory and joyless, a naked charade played out with people who seemed no happier than Joel and me. Still, we tried again.

Out of seven couples over three months, only one invited us back. Matt and Carol embraced the wanton, and their love for each other was clear and unwavering. There was a moment on our second play date, when Matt was fucking me missionary while Joel went through the motions of doggy fucking Carol, that I felt her slender fingers on my chin and turned to meet her gaze. She was smiling, searching my eyes as if looking through my fears and finding me. She inched forward, lowering her lips to my face, and I didn't turn away as they touched mine.

We kissed with a hint of passion, but bereft of true Sapphic undertones. She wanted to be my friend, but she became my mentor as well.

Phone calls with her often left me stammering, unable to communicate. Through the silence of texting, I slowly released myself into her loving care. Eventually I found the confidence to talk to her, and this wonderful woman became the panacea for my guilt and fear. She and Matt had invited us to this party, and I couldn't wait to see her again.

I knew they were taking a chance on us, allowing us into this select group, and I steeled myself for the challenge. No matter what, Joel and I would not embarrass them.

As usual, he drove, silently following the headlights dancing across the trees of the rural countryside. I received a text from Carol telling me to look for them by the pool, and to take the pills she had given me, an Ecstasy for both of us, and a Viagra for Joel. I opened the packet. The pills were wrapped in a paper that said 'Eat Me'. We had talked this out, and we agreed we were going down this rabbit hole, so we downed them.

We found the secluded estate, gave the code word into a speaker and followed directions that eventually led us through a side entrance into a large locker room. We stripped to our underwear, and Joel did raise an eyebrow at my new cup-less bustier with garters and fishnets. Instead of his boring boxers, he wore the new bikini briefs I had bought him. We looked ready to play, but we weren't, at least I don't think Joel was.

As we emerged from a hallway, the 'begin gawking' synapse fired in my brain when we entered the huge main room. Between us and the veranda at the far end had to be fifty people, some talking, but many already engaged in sex of some kind. Having watched so much porn, I tried to take it in stride, but it was still a little unsettling.

On a couch to our left, a pair of standard porn star looking blondes in lingerie were moaning into each other's pussies. On a grandfather chair to the right, a matronly woman with gray hair rode her ass up and down, her back to the unseen man sitting below her, while the 'D' man of her DP fucked her pussy from the front. She looked like my third grade schoolteacher. I so wanted to lead Joel over and stick his cock in her mouth, but I found it hard to think of doing anything, and we weren't moving yet.

Joel's eyes were so wide I thought he might crack his eyebrows. He was frozen in place, apparently practicing the statue impression that he assumed in every large crowd. I felt better that he looked no more stricken than usual, given that this crowd was fucking and sucking. I took his hand and led the way, trying not to stare. Like Hansel and Gretel, we huddled together, clutching each other as we forged ahead through this dark, foreboding forest of fornicators.

I noticed several young women in latex maid's outfits wandering through the crowd with long spoons, requesting and being given permission to scoop up ejaculate from women's faces and breasts and depositing the sperm into half filled clear bowls. At the moment, I didn't even want to wonder what that was all about.

We inched toward the veranda at the far end, past a black guy jack-hammering his cock so far into a woman's mouth that I could see a bump bulging and receding in her throat. He fucked her skull hard, then pulled out, causing her to expel a flood of spittle that dripped off of his dick onto her breasts, allowing her only enough time to gasp for a breath before slamming back into her. I wanted that to be me, but I still didn't know where I was going to get the nerve to be her.

I quickened my pace, almost to a trot, racing toward the veranda as if trying to catch up to my nerve before it got away. Stumbling over a black woman straddling a white guy, we both teetered the last few steps to the veranda and through to the cool night air. I stopped and pulled Joel close, hugging him as I tried to compose myself. He clasped me tightly, more warmly than I could ever remember. Perhaps it was the fear.

A hand slid across my shoulder. I jumped, turning to see Carol's face inches from mine. I felt the merciful rush of relief that my friend had found me and we were no longer alone in the crowd. I slumped a little, expelling the type of sigh that usually precedes tears, when she leaned in and kissed me, a quick buss on closed lips. Retreating just a little and looking into her eyes, it was me that let my mouth slowly open as I leaned back into her.

At first startled when she slipped her tongue past my parted lips, I sucked on it, bringing her closer, but I needed my love to help me. Clasping Joel's neck, I maneuvered his face into ours for a shared, three way kiss.

We mumbled out our greetings and got to the point where we had to talk or do something, but Joel and I were just staring. Nearby, a middle-aged woman was enjoying a double anal. Now, I gawked. Brown, pulpy shit was dripping out between the cocks onto the concrete.

"Oh my God! Even I know to clean myself better than that!"

Carol laughed, "She rolls like that on purpose. It's her thing."

I turned away, glancing down at Matt's dangling penis. It was modestly thick, like I remembered, but not thick enough. Joel's wasn't fat enough either. I wanted to come.

Over Carol's shoulder I saw what I needed: a very muscular black man strolled outside, glistening with sweat, but as beautiful as he looked, it was his cock that literally stood out. It was half hard and pointing straight ahead, but it was every bit as thick as my biggest dildo and almost as long. If I wanted to have an orgasm in front of all these people, in front of Joel, then that's what I needed. He dunked both hands into a fountain and splashed water all over himself to cool off. Carol followed my gaze, giggled and whispered in my ear.

"Sweetie, I'm going to be your ringmaster tonight. Do you want him?"

"Uh... I uh," I just nodded my head like an idiot.

"Hey Billy! Billy! Can we talk to you?"

Billy joined us. Just looking at him took my pussy to Defcon Two: his wet muscles reflecting the burning outdoor lamps, flickering across his tight ebony skin. Before I realized I had even reached out, my palm slithered across his firm chest, his hard nipples fluttering under each finger as they passed over. My hand was wet with him, and my pussy kept up.

Billy laid on his back, his gargantuan black cock towering like a flagpole, and I didn't even think, I saluted it with my mouth. God, how he stretched my alabaster lips as I slid a measly few inches down his shaft. I was a crappy cocksucker, and had no room in my mouth to do much, but I gave it the best shot I had.

Sucking his cock allowed me to go into a holding pattern, a dangerous one, because it allowed me time to think. I had wanted to do this kind of thing tonight, but until now, was never sure if I could actually do it. I think some kind of whorish auto-pilot had kicked in, and I was not going to fight it. Still, my blowjob was strained and going nowhere. Before anyone realized how inept I was, I had to switch things around.

I rose, stepped over him and caught myself before I lowered down. Everybody was watching, Joel was watching, and I didn't want it to look like I knew how to do this. I stopped and took a breath. I was thinking too much: overthinking. Sex is not about thinking, it's about feeling, which I wasn't used to. I was crippling myself with my own brain. No, not now. I looked at Joel, sought his eyes through their haze of bewildered, excited despair.

I had nothing to say, no grandiose mission statement, so I just said, "I love you."

His eyes darted everywhere, so timidly, but I couldn't let him stall me on the tracks. I squatted down so the tip of Billy's black dick was at my virgin white asshole. Taking him in hand, I rubbed the head back and forth over my hole, centered it and eased straight down on it, knowing I could take it. I gasped loudly, as he was thicker than I figured, and it did hurt, but it was okay. The pain was my old friend and I welcomed it. If this was to be my baptism of fire and ice, I would meet it head on.

I slid so carefully down, pausing as my body jerked with the sharp, yet sweet, agony. My butt met Billy's loins and his cock was mine, and my asshole was his. Grinding myself on him, mixing the pain inside me like a cocktail, I took control. Slowly, I slid up, slid down, an inch at first, cornering the pain, capturing it before I lengthened my stroke. Two inches, three; at four I quickened and within a few repetitions, I was bouncing savagely on him.

I swooned as the pleasure within me beat down the pain, and paused momentarily to enjoy the sumptuous fullness of my ebony invader. Billy took his chance and held my waist and jack-hammered his monster up into me. I became as a rag doll, helpless before this new sensation. I had never had anything in my ass that had a mind of its own, and I relinquished my control gladly. I don't know if the pill Carol gave me was kicking in, or if my euphoria emanated from my anus, but I was seriously getting happy.

I leaned back, supporting myself on my hands stretched behind my back, and locked eyes with my slack-jawed husband. Spreading my legs obscenely wide, I knew what he saw, what I had seen many times in the mirror in our bedroom: a shameless whore. It was a turning point. What would Joel be thinking? What would he do? I didn't wait to find out.

"Honey... Joel?"

He said nothing, his inner deer apparently having found its headlights.

"JOEL!"

He came back into cognizance with a start, looked at me, then looked down. Carol was stroking his rigid cock. I hoped it was the result of the scene before him and not the Viagra, but that gift horse might as well close its mouth, because I wasn't about to look in there.

"Baby, come fuck me."

He was in statue mode again, but Carol took his arm and led him to me. Possibly for the first time, I realized how pliable he was as she pushed him to his knees in front of my wanton display. On his own, he arched forward to enter my unused hole, but Carol grabbed his hair, forcing his face down.

"Lick it first!"

He tried to move back, as Billy's dick was right there in my asshole, but Carol pushed his face into me.

"Eat your wife's cunt! NOW!"

Joel began with scared little licks, trying to steer clear of Billy's dick, but I grabbed his head, mashing his face into my pussy. He had never eaten me before, and his first time was fairly useless, so I lifted his face by the ears and kissed him.

"Fuck me. Fuck my pussy. Do it now, honey."

He slid into my pussy, and I felt his penis rubbing next to Billy's gut-busting black monster, and I kept still while Joel synced up with our pace and both cocks began hammering my holes. He still looked stricken, but I couldn't worry about him. I had enough of a challenge keeping my fingers ravaging my clit. As Joel pumped in, he kept forcing my fingers back, crushing them out of the way. I reclined further, so my back was fully aligned with Billy's chest. A shadow blocked the light and I looked up to see Carol's beautiful shaved pussy descending on my face, straddling me. I knew immediately that I would do this, so I accepted it without question and licked her like a starving dog. I was already being as bad as I could be, and I wanted to be badder, but my nonexistent cunnilingus skills were the wrong kind of bad. I made up for it with manic exuberance. I had too much to handle to try and come now, I concentrated on Carol.

She ground her cunt into my face, grabbed the back of my head and masturbated herself against my frantic lips and tongue. I adored this forceful creature, taking what she wanted. I don't know if it was the feel, taste and texture of her pussy or the sheer nastiness of it, but I reveled in my first lesbian experience. I felt the tingle in my clit climbing back up, and renewed my fingering. I was going to have this. What was so difficult for me was so easy for Carol as she cried out and held her pussy firmly on my face, mashing me with short, hard jerks as she came.

It stunned me when she flooded my mouth with a copious amount of pussy juice. I had seen this in videos: she was squirting! I didn't know what pee tasted like, but I was sure this wasn't that. Her flow cascaded down my cheeks as I licked and slobbered through the liquid love she gave me, even swallowing a good bit. All too soon, she stumbled up and wobbled away, leaving my face dripping with her cum.

I savored her taste, using it to feed my quest for an orgasm of my own. My ass burned, but I felt so good. I masturbated hard, but my frustration crept in. I was thinking how to make it happen. Thinking, thinking...

Thinking too much.

I closed my eyes and felt the force of the two men seeking their own pleasure within me, the depth of their strokes, the fullness in my body. I calmed and caressed my clit slowly, hearing the sounds of so many people fucking around me, feeling a trickle of sweat run down my cheek - or was it a tear? I stopped thinking and just felt. The cool air chilled Carol's juice on my breasts.