Comfort in the Storm

It is quite late or perhaps or it is quite early. Regardless of time, it is dark in the bedroom and only moonlight makes anything remotely visible. It has been raining for hours and it was the sound of that rain that had lulled me to sleep some hours earlier. It taps the window and makes a low roar on the rooftop. I can see the trees waving but they are far enough away from the window to be seen but not heard. I have always loved the sights and sounds of a storm from the comfort of a warm bed.

Though all of this turbulent weather has been enjoyable for me, it seems to have made you restless. You turn on your side for a while, then your back, then your stomach, and finally your other side. Your eyes are still closed but I can tell you are stuck in-between asleep and awake. In the low light I can see a slight scowl on your face.

I quietly sit up and put my pillows behind my back. I pull two pillows from side of the bed and place them on my left side. Finally, I bend my right knee to make a sort of cradle in my lap for you. It doubles as support for your head and a place to rest my arm. I lean over and gently rub the back of your head and your shoulders. You make a quiet noise and roll towards me. A sweet pair of sleepy eyes look up at me and a half smile spreads across your face. I hold my left arm open towards you with a questioning glance. You nod and scoot to my lap.

It is a position you have taken so many times that you are able to do it in your half-awake state. You wrap your arms around my waist, close your eyes again, and nuzzle my shirt as I finish arranging pillows and tucking the blanket around you. I cradle your head in my right arm and lift my shirt above my right breast. Before my nightshirt is half way off, you are trying to latch.

"Hang on sweetheart. It's okay, I'm coming," I reassure you.

I pull the shirt the rest of the way off and set it aside. With my full attention back on you, I lean in slightly. With one quick movement, you have pulled my nipple into your mouth and have started to try and suckle.

"Shh shh shh, slow down sweetie. I'm not going anywhere."

You take a deep breath and the erratic sucking slows. I feel your mouth open wider and your lips relax as you calm down enough to properly latch. With my breast now situated deeper in your mouth, I can feel your tongue begin to move. These few moments are always the most difficult for you. The short time between beginning to suckle and the milk beginning to flow frustrates you. The letdown happens soon but never soon enough. Your expression part desperation, part pleading. You instinctively nuzzle my breast and gently pull back without breaking the latch. I can feel that you are getting some milk but it will be a few more seconds before my milk flows freely.

At last, I can feel the tingling sensation begin deep in my chest. The muscles in my breast have begun to relax as my body senses and then reacts to the hungry mouth at my chest.

"There you go sweetheart. There you go. Good job," I say.

As you get your first full draw of milk, I feel you sigh. The whole ordeal is only a minute or two but for you it seems to take hours. The first few suckles are strong as you draw in as much as you can while breathing in before swallowing and breathing back out. It is as if you have to reassure yourself that the milk is there and the first few small sips were not a tease.

One more push inward with your nose and a pull with your bottom jaw and the rest of your body begins to relax. I love that little nuzzle. I have asked you before about it and you hadn't even realized you did it. The motion to draw milk from your mother's breast is hardwired into you and though years passed between infancy and now, that knowledge has stayed hidden in the back of your mind.

You pull your right arm from around my back and rest in on my left breast. I can't help smiling. I am sure it is simply a feeling of comfort but it is as though you are worried the left one might leave while you are nursing on the right. Regardless of the reason, I certainly don't mind. I reach down and place my hand over yours and give it a gentle squeeze. It is all yours. I made this milk just for you.

As your jaw moves up and down, I can feel your tongue begin working on drawing out more milk. Your tongue lays flat against the underside of my breast and pulls rhythmically on my nipple. I can feel a swell of endorphins and I can't help pulling you in a bit closer.

I run my fingers softly across your forehead, behind your ear, and down the back of your neck. My hand returns to your forehead as I run my fingers through your tousled hair. I trace your eyebrows and brush across your cheek and your jaw that is happily moving up and down.

I can't help the maternal instinct that wells up within me. I tuck the blanket in around you as far as I can reach without leaning my body away. You are an adult in reality but in my arms you are small and require my vigilance. My need to protect you are care for you in these beautiful moments is so strong that I feel like the storm outside could try and destroy this house and still, I could hold the walls up around you. It is a feeling that is both fierce and tender all at once. There is a reason that people don't mess with baby animals in the forest for fear that the mother is near.

I am distracted from my wandering thoughts as you release my breast and look up at me. I ask if you are all done. You shake your head, no. I smile. Of course not.

"Alright, hold on just a second."

I readjust my body slightly and offer you my left breast. This time you are much more relaxed as you latch on and give a nuzzle. I smile and try not to giggle. You have the crooked smile of being milk drunk. Admittedly my right breast was quite full so you did get a bit more than usual just from one side.

My right breast is now completely empty and rests nearly on top of your forehead. In the beginning I tried holding it out of the way but you always snuggled back into it so I gave up any attempt long ago. I suppose having something soft and warm against you must feel nice actually. Oh, my little one, you are absolutely adorable.

As you calmly nurse, I look back out the window. The wind has died down and all that is left of the storm is the rain. It has certainly made the room quieter. Not that it would bother you at this point. With a tummy full of my milk, you could sleep through anything. I close my eyes and lay back against the pillow behind my head. I listen to the quiet sounds that make a symphony of peace. The rain on the window, the sound of your deep breathing, and the unmistakable sound of suckling. It is bliss.

The combination of a full tummy and the peace that surrounds us is beginning to lull you to sleep. Your jaw relaxes and the time between each suckle gets longer and longer. The breast you have been working on is nearly empty but not quite. I know if I don't release all of it, I will be quite uncomfortable and will have to go hand pump the rest.

"Baby," I whisper and gently run my finger under your chin.

You take in a big breath and immediately beginning suckling again.

"Just a bit more honey. Almost done."

You nurse a minute longer before I feel your mouth relax. I gently rub your back and I feel your tongue begin working my breast again. At last you cannot stay even partially awake. I slowly lift my empty breast out of your mouth. You don't move even a little. You are so sweet laying in my lap, mouth partially open. I wipe a single drip of milk from your chin.

I hold you gently as I carefully slide down from where I am sitting, into a more horizontal position. You mumble softly and cuddle your head onto my chest. I am sure by the way you are laying you must be able to hear my heart beating.

We are now nearly diagonal in the bed but I don't mind. I love it when you fall asleep across my chest after nursing. It would feel almost incomplete I you didn't. For a few minutes I watch you sleep. The moonlight makes you look nearly angelic. I wrap my arm around you and kiss the top of your head.

"Goodnight little one," I whisper.

It is time for me to sleep too. I am so relaxed that I am positive it won't take long at all. My body needs the time to rest and refill. After all, morning will be here in just a few hours and there will be a sweet, smiling face next to me, ready for breakfast.