Confessions of a Red Hot Red Head 01

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Entry One: The Politician... I lose my virginity to C.
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Dear Readers,

I'm glad you decided to spend some time with me today. You see, I'm 25, and being of the New Millennium—I don't keep a diary, and what I have to share with you could be grounds for judgment in this Puritanical society. What other way can a digital diva share her inner most thoughts about the recent developments in her life? Well, I decided to share my sexual experiences with you—first off, they're hot and secondly, I hope they can inspire girls like me. Women who prefer to put in the extra work and construct the fantasies within their head, based solely on the black and white text splayed out before them. Women who find themselves too unattractive or too fat, or too whatever to deserve great sex in which they are respected. This series is about my evolution. My journey to self-discovery and acceptance- one cock at a time. Yes- these accounts are true. Yes- they will include acts of BSDM, Casual Sex, Experimentation, Fantasies of control/non consent, and of course, my honest thought process about every single new bedfellow.

What I am about to say may shock you... I stayed a virgin until the age of 22. It is not that I am a conservative, nor am I a religious person, nor even that I was waiting for the right guy to come along. Simply put, the idea of getting naked in front of anyone made me too nervous. I merely did not date. No one asked, and neither did I. I was around lots of guys through high school and college. But I was always the overweight, geeky, unassuming friend. Nobody ever saw me in that way, and I accepted that as just the way my life would be.

All my life sex has fascinated me. I suppose it is because it seemed so taboo for me, personally, to experience the act- that I study sex in an anthropological sense. I watched every television series documentaries and Real Sex. I consumed porn everyday, whether that is written or video. Sex is natural, sex is wonderful, and now that I accept myself for who I am, sex is something I cannot get enough of! I hope you enjoy my sexual awakenings—I know I sure as hell did!

Please enjoy. For the purposes of privacy, I have shortened the names of every partner to just their first initial. As for me, you can call me Red. Everything else remains authentic.

Entry One: The Politician.

"Okay, run me through what the moral implications of Plato's Republic one more time..." I yawn with exaggeration. Looking up at him with steam from my extra tall extra black coffee wafting through my field of vision.

"Tsk" he responded spinning his computer around to show me the slide bulleting out the main points.

"Red, I hate to break this to ya, but your brain has reached its study threshold. Cramming anymore would be as pointless as Ross Perrot going for the White House again."

He starts laughing at his own joke and all I can do is roll my eyes at the stupidity. This study session had taken a turn for the awkward. What was once four of us, my two friends, and then him. C. for short. This kid had been a pain in my ass for the last three years. I spent a lot of my time in the Student Government Association, as did he. We both had a lot of mutual friends, and I went to a very, very small liberal arts college. C. was a up and comer in the most annoying ways. Harvard in his dreams and the White House in his fantasies- he had his whole future planned out. He also happened to be African American. He also happened to be Republican—now that, I had a problem with. As a woman who possesses both a brain and a heart, of course I am a Democrat. In college, I was ardently so. C. and I used to get into knock down drag out debates that left us both breathless and near violence to own another. My senior year, he was elected President of the SGA. I spent twelve hours a week following his orders, acting on his small council and on various other bodies throughout campus. We were not friends; we pretty much despised one another.

We also happened to be in the same Classical Philosophy class, and that is how he ended up at my apartment pulling an all nighter with. Because my apartment was fifteen minutes from campus, and C. didn't have a car, he was staying here until I drove us to class at 10.

"You're right. It's too late now to try for sleep... But if you want there are a ton of news shows recorded on my DVR. Help yourself. I'm going to go..." I stammered trying to find an escape from you in this tiny, studio apartment.

"Oh, hey, is this the new Beyoncé movie?" C. asks while picking up the evidence of the automatic rental dispenser.

"Yeah, it's the one where the white girl tries to seduce Beyoncé's husband or something like that- Haven't watch it yet."

"Well, I'm sure you don't record FOX, so anything news related you'd have is probably going to cause us to scream and yell. Might as well just watch this." The lackadaisical way he suggestively commands me to do his bidding makes me furious. He's so condescending.

"Put it in then, I'll be right back." I mutter through clenched teeth as I get up off the couch and head to my bathroom. I just need some space from him before I slap him in the back of the head. Who the fuck does he think he is? 'Oh, you're a woman so you can' possibly watch a news program without you loosing your head.' Prick.

My apartment is absolutely beautiful but small. There is no bedroom, but there is a huge bathroom with a large walk-in closet. I quickly wash my face, brush my teeth, and change into a tee shirt and a pair of sleepy pants. Emerging from the restroom, my jaw almost dislocated completely. There he was. C. standing up putting the DVD into the player, stark ass naked.

"Wha. Wha. What the fuck" I stammer.

"Oh, come one, don't act like you've never seen a naked man before. I just didn't bring any clothes with me and I don't want mine to get all wrinkled so I can wear them to class tomorrow. It's no big deal." C calmly caressing his words.

"I don't want your butt sweat all over my couch nasty, so either stand up- or let me find you something to wear." I mockingly seethed in response.

"Trust me, when I'm through, it wont just be mine." He whispered to me with a undertone of severity.

It caught me by surprise. In all of our debates, arguments, and back and forth banter- I had never felt a spark before. It wasn't like I was struck by lightening. It was more as if you're walking past the same item on the grocery shelf for the thousandth time and one day, they changed the package. Boom! You want something you never had before. C. here in all his glory and all the sudden, I definitely wanted the new package.

"Uh-hmm... I'll be right back. Again." I said over my shoulder as I spun back into the bathroom. Nearly missing the door jam in my haste to run away.

At this point, my desire to finally experience sex outweighed my insecurities. At a size 22, I was not comfortable being naked, or even partially naked. I looked into the mirror, trying to psych myself up. Staring at my reflection I kept telling myself that not all women look like the girls in porn. That I was attractive. That he obviously wanted some. And if that was the case, who knows when the next guy is going to come along that actually wants to sleep with me? If I don't do this now, can I face another 22 years wondering what sex is like? Could I handle one more slightly bewildered stare I get when it becomes apparent that I am a virgin who is not a prude? I did what any overly self-conscious girl would do. I quickly shaved from knee to waist, (because who does that if it is not summer or they are not assured to get some?) and then I threw on a dress, quickly moved to turn off all the lights, and used the glowing light of the small television to make my way back to the couch.

"K." He chuckled. Noticing my wardrobe change.

I was contemplating if he was thinking I changed to look more attractive, or, if he realized I needed this protection around me to go through with this? All of the sudden, he pulled me from my thoughts with a demanding kiss to my lips. My eyes flew open then shut immediately. I was going to let this happen. I wanted to have sex. It really didn't matter whom it was with. He was offering, I was willing. Sex is biological, chemical, and carnal—it does not have to be about love, or feelings. Sometimes, it just comes down to that spark.

"Lay back on the couch." C.'s voice was the same as when he was leading a meeting. Business like, formal, commanding. I did as C. instructed.

He braced himself above me, the thin material of my dress, and my hymen, the only things preventing him from my virginity. His lips found mine, forceful and full. I returned his kiss ardently. For as long as I can remember, I have always done whatever task I was engaging in to the best of my ability. That would be the same with sex. I knew I was never going to be the kind of girl guys dated, but I could be one hell of a fuck. I was determined to be the best fuck I could be... and I was going to do it for him, this guy I couldn't even stand. What can I say? I grew up thinking Samantha Jones was a modern day Wonder Woman.

"Switch" I whisper. It's a question, and invitation to let me get on top. I'm petrified he'll say I'm too big, that I may crush him. He says nothing, just gets up and I follow suit. With his compliance, I am filled with a tenuous sense of confidence.

I began to kiss and move with renewed gusto. Locking my legs on either side of his hips, gently grinding myself into his erection. I moved from his lips to his neck. Mimicking all the things I knew I liked unto his flesh. My pink tongue looked tantalizing on his chocolate smooth skin. I traced my way from his ear lobe, stopping to nibble and suck on it in varying degrees of intensity.

"Shit" he breathed when I took his lobe in my mouth and sucked on it hard while scrapping my teeth slowly pulling back.

I knew from watching every Real Sex ever, that the ear thing is a good, quick, gauge to determine the level of playful pain a guy likes. With this in mind, I attacked his neck. Sucking and biting as if I was bound and determined to disprove the urban legend that black people can't get hickies. I'm moving fast switching my positioning from right to left, all the while I'm grinding slowly and deliberately against his erection. The friction with my clit starts to increase. And I attacked his nipples to try and expel some of the sexual sensations burning through me. At first, I flick my tongue back and forth increasing the pace.

"Ah....mmm" he moans when I surprise him with a bite and suck.

I continue torturing his nipples right, left, neck, ear, left right, ear, neck. I'm a tornado. And I am getting drenched from being able to elicit these reactions from him and the feelings emanating from my nub. After the first two minutes of us kissing, he has yet to touch me. His hands are behind his head, relaxed as if he were lounging on a foreign isle.

"Enough. Suck my cock." He groans.

I comply.

I shimmy downwards until I am face to dick with an 8-inch light caramel pulsating cock. Tentatively, I quickly lick his head once. My pale face flaming, I looked up at him seeking his assurance and appraisal.

"Lick it like a lollipop, suck it, let me fuck your mouth. I don't care, just watch the damn teeth and get to it." He barked.

Nervously, I lowered my mouth back onto his dick. Using my tongue, I lubed up his head and then began to suck intensively. I watched a lot of how to videos on various sites, so I knew that the best head was lots of movement, heavy suction, lube, and deep. I broke contact to lick up and down his shaft. Moving swiftly, rotating in a circular motion while moving up and down, it wasn't long before he was slick and producing precum to add to the wetness.

I impaled him into my mouth slowly, my gag reflex reacting and instantly, my eyes watered and I felt like I was going to be sick. I stop immediately, completely embarrassed at my failure. With a pop, I raised my lips from his cock and looked down at the floor.

"What the fuck are you doing? Are you going to suck me off or what? Stop fucking teasing me and get back to it—best fucking head of my life..." He yelled at me while grabbing my curly mane and guiding me back to his dick.

Of course, I'd seen girls gag in porn before, but when I did it, I thought I had fucked up. "Get out of your head" I repeated internally, I just needed to be in this moment and stop worrying so much about the possibilities of my inadequacies.

"Mmmm" I moaned as I remade contact with the head of his dick. My throat sending vibrations up his body, causing his chest to jerk.

"That's it." He groaned.

Relubing his shaft, I go back to sucking him as far as I can. I no longer care about the noises I'm making with my strain; he's not giving me a choice. His hips are thrusting his dick further and further into my mouth. On instinct, I swallow, and he is suddenly in my throat. I can't breathe, and I am getting genuinely scared. I swallowed again, trying to dislodge the invader. My action had the opposite effect. He got even bigger, blocking out more or my air supply. Tears are streaming down my face, but he doesn't let up. It takes another five seconds, and then I feel a warm liquid empting down my throat.

"Goddamn girl..." He was struggling to regain his own breath. Suddenly, he was touching me. I got nervous; I didn't want him to lift my dress. I didn't want him to feel me. I figured head could have been all he was after. That's how it was in high school. I sucked off two different guys, just because they asked me to and they were the only ones who ever did. I got off being powerful enough to make a man come.

As if sensing my trepidations, he said, "Relax Red, I'm not done with you yet."

He swatted my ass through my dress and ordered, "Switch."

I got off his lap and laid down on my couch. I was shaking like a leaf. He didn't know this was my first time. Up to this point, everything had been for his pleasure only- what if he attacked my pussy the same way he did my mouth? Could he injure me? Should I tell him? I never got the chance...

"Lift your hips up" he demanded. I did as he said and he swiftly put one of the large throw pillows from the couch under my ass.

My hands were on his pectorals, silently holding him off. He was not slow. He was not gentle. He never even asked for my permission. In one swift move he lifted the hem of my loose dress upwards, and then used the tip of his cock to discover I was pantyless, sensing no more hurdles, he entered severely until his pubic hair was brushing up against my recently trimmed bush.

"Ummph. Damn Red, you are tight. Shit...Shit." His smile and voice radiated awe.

"Wait" I begged. "Just give me a second. Please." I was trying hard not to burst out in tears at the overwhelming feelings inside of me. Part hate, fear, desire, and anticipation, all coursing through me conflicting with one another in my synapsis.

"Don't be a bitch. You can take it. Feel that big cock inside of you girl. Bottoming out in your tight hole. Damn you feel good. Never been with someone this big?" He asked in a mocked tone, clearly looking for a complement to his size.

I decided to call his bluff. "Never. Been. With someone. Period. I shakily breathed out.

His eyes bugged out of his head. He stilled immediately. Looing down at me he faced betrayed a range of emotions; enraged, confused, and then finally smug.

"Oh, I'm going to punish you for not telling me that beforehand. That is not something you spring on a man. I never would have wanted to be your first." His words dripped in acid.

The break was over. With a predator's prowess, he removed almost all of his cock from me swiftly... and then rocked his hips and my entire body as he made contact with my bush again. Silent, salty tears started to gather. I felt so small under this man. So very insignificant. I could have been a fleshlight. He was pistoning in and out of me using my pussy to jack him off. He was silent expect for his puffs of breath. I winced and whimpered beneath him as his motions continued in an ever-quickening pace. He continued this for several moments. I felt very little in the way of pleasure at first. But then I resigned myself to the fact that this was probably the last time I was going to have sex, maybe ever. He'd never want me again, and the one thing I had that could appeal to a guy, my innocence, was now splattered on my paisley couch. Once I accepted the finality of this act, and let myself be helpless underneath him... something began to happen within me.

As he continued to rock back and forth quickly and with no concern for my needs, wants or pleasures... I began countering his movements, trying to use him in the same way he was using me.... I wanted to find out what was so great about sex. As he rocked in I lifted up toward him, I locked my legs around the small of his back, and my arms around his neck. His arms were hoisting him upwards, his muscular arms bulging under the strain; his face screwed up tight as he rode me mercilessly. For a full minute I was able to have some semblance of pleasure...

"Enough!" he slapped the side of my leg roughly and then put my feet up by his shoulders.

He swiftly leaned over me; the soles of my feat by my ears as he created a painful slightly jackknifed position. I could feel more contact and friction with my clit, amazingly he felt even deeper. I groaned gripped the pillow as the sensation started to become more intense.

"Woah" I moaned out involuntarily as my inner muscles instinctively constricted around him.

"Jesus. Red. I'm going to cum." Just as I was starting to feel something real, his breath increased, his muscles straining. He was moving faster and faster, fucking me into the arm of the couch. His breathing was coming out in ragged rapid rasps. I tried to get there, I thought about how hot this was, I thought about how this may never happen again, I wished he could hold on, I wish he would care whether or not I came. I was so close. I felt as if I were in the front car of the roller coaster train. Slowly inching up towards that first big drop. Up and up I climbed each rung harder to reach than the last. Just a few more seconds and I'd be there, I just knew it.

"Goddamn, you're a fine fuck, bitch." That's what I heard from the first man I ever let inside of me, as he came. He was sweating, panting, putting most of his body weight on me.

When he regained he breath, he went to the bathroom. I sat up on the couch, wondering what would happen now... If we would talk about the virginity issue, if he was going to take care of me know, if he was actually pissed off at me.

He came back from the restroom in a pair of my sleepy pants. He was exuding tension and I felt myself shrinking in his presence.

"You're a dumbass you know that?" he glowered down at me.

"I'm sorry, I should have told you beforehand." I whimpered in response.

"You're damn right you should have. We are not a we. You were a quick and easy fuck. Do you understand?" he looked me in the eye, challenging me with his gaze.

I couldn't hold it all in anymore, I went to the restroom, turned on the shower, and tried to wash away the last hour of my life.

******

You'd think after that first encounter, I'd want nothing more to do with C. Truth is, he and I continued to hookup once every other month or so, for over two years. It was always the same. I would drive to campus, pick him up, bring him back to my place and we'd have sex. We would always do it with all the lights off, we would always do it with me nearly fully clothed, and we would always do it the way he wanted. Even after I graduated, we found ourselves back at our college town for work on occasion, and when he would text, I could come a knocking. On his birthday, after I had sworn him off for good for the last time, he asked to me to come to his hotel. I got into a huge fight with my best friend, at the moment I was also living in her house. I will never forget how she told me if I went to see him I wasn't allowed to come back- that she was sick of picking up my shattered pieces. I went to met him anyways. I couldn't say no to him. It was horrible, it made me feel horrible, but I kept doing it anyway. Having self-deprecating sex is betting than having no sex at all. Right?

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