Consequences - Delia

"Pete." What are you doing at the front door? You never come in this way. Why didn't you use the garage door like always?"

"I don't feel like I live here anymore. Nothing feels the same now. Everything is different, especially you. It feels different, is all."

"Pete, please come in and stop talking that way. Nothing is different. Everything is the same as it was, we just have to talk together and figure it out. That's all it is."

I walked into the foyer and stopped to look around. It seemed the same but I wasn't used to seeing it from this angle. I noticed things. The furniture she picked out for the entrance way; the formal dining table set with placemats and silver, the large bouquet of flowers in the center; the narrow glimpse into the living room with its sectional couch and matching everything; and Delia, standing there in a short, yellow sundress that showed off her tanned shoulders and just a hint of cleavage. I had to admit, she was still one of the most beautiful women I knew.

I didn't speak as I looked around and then I moved away from her, toward the kitchen. I wanted this to be on neutral territory and the kitchen was as neutral as I could get. We had a designer redo the kitchen some years back and everything was his. I didn't look back as I took a seat at the table.

Dee came in and moved to the counter where she had a fresh pot of coffee and a plate of shortbread cookies, the ones I loved. She set them down in the center of the table and took the chair opposite me. She looked wonderful. Her hair was brushed back and she had taken the time to make herself up to look her best. She had succeeded. But, that wasn't the point. I had always loved her and I had seen her at her best and worst and loved both extremes. Nothing she did would have changed my mind, except for this. This was too much.

"Pete. I want to tell you everything but you have to let me say it. You can't just hear part of it and then get mad. I have to explain it all to you. So please. Promise me you'll hear it all. Not just what you want to hear, but all of it."

I looked at her and could see the fear in her eyes. It made me uncomfortable to think that I had put it there but then I remembered it wasn't me. Her actions had done this. I would never hurt her physically and she knew it. The fear was of losing: me, the marriage and our future together. That was the fear.

"I promise to listen to all of it. Every dirty little part of it. And don't worry. I have never hit you and I never will. You know that. But I will get angry. That I can't control. I can only promise to try to let you finish without losing it."

"Thank you. That's all I need: for you to hear it all. And I never felt in danger from you. Never. Even when you were so angry and hurt. I knew you would never hurt me physically."

She sat straight in the chair, her hands in front of her and clasped together on the table. "This all started about a month or so before Marty and Butch filed for divorce. She had been telling me about his affairs and how he was going out at all hours and screwing around on her. She said she knew all about it and had him followed. She said she had proof."

I had to interrupt. I know I promised and I would keep my promise but I wasn't going to let this kind of shit go unchallenged.

"So you're telling me this has been going on for over what, seven or eight months? You've been cheating on me for that long? And what proof? Did she ever show you any proof? And how did she know all this? Who was her PI? This is all bullshit and if this is what you're going to tell me, then I might as well leave now!"

'Wait! Pete, wait! Nothing has been 'going on' as you put it. And I said I was going to tell you everything and this is what she told me! I know it's not true now, but at the time, I had no reason to doubt her. I believed her!"

I sat down and let her go on. I began to feel that this was going to be a bullshit session but I promised and, by God, I would stick to my promise.

"She started to tell me about Jack Mason. She had met him at one of the company functions and they had become friends. He was the one that she said told her to hire the PI. He said he knew Butch and he would see what he could find out about him. And over the next couple of weeks, she told me that he told her that he knew of at least three women Butch was messing around with. When he was supposed to be driving, he was actually screwing around with one of these women."

I was shaking my head, and I had to butt in.

"And you believed all of this shit! I can't believe you were that stupid. The woman I married wasn't that stupid or gullible. When the hell did you get this dumb!"

"I know it sounds crazy now, but at the time it didn't. It was about the same time that Marty started asking me if I knew where you were all the time. At first, I didn't even think about it but then later, I started to notice you were often late for dinner and had to go back in late at night and other things. She kept at me and I began to become suspicious."

"Anyway, I started to think about it and I began to believe that you could be cheating on me. I watched and tried to be calm about it but you never told me what you were doing and I became more and more suspicious."

"I finally convinced myself that you were actually cheating on me. That's why you went back after supper and why you came home late some evenings. You were with your lover!"

"That's it! This is all bullshit and I can't sit still for this. I know I promised, but I can't. You're trying to make this all my fault and it's just bullshit!"

I got up, kicked back the chair, knocking it over as I stormed out of the kitchen. I had all I could take of this.

"I'll call you later, after I calm down enough to stand the sight of you."

"Pete! Wait! Please!"

I went out the front door, down the two steps and into my car. Again, I drove away just to get far enough out of sight to stop and calm myself down. This was all crap! I should have known! Crap from the beginning to the end. She just wanted an excuse to fuck somebody else and then blame it on me. Well, I wasn't going to stand for it.

An hour later I was sitting in a little café drinking a coke, watching my sorry life evaporate like the bubbles in my glass. I had called Butch to let him know where I was and sure enough, he came striding in and sat down beside me.

"Hey buddy. You can't do any real thinking with a soft drink. Come on back to the apartment and we'll have a couple of beers and a shot or two. That's what you need for good thinking."

Damn if he wasn't right. We did and it was better.

"Now, here's what I think. You and me, we need to go get those sumabitches and tear them both new assholes. You know Jack: he's a real pussy! And that asshole, what's his name: he's an even bigger pussy! You and me can take em out!"

I kind of liked the idea. Maybe if I had another shot, it would help me make up my mind. I did and it did.

"I think it's a damn fine idea. And the asshole's name is Phil. Real pussy name. When should we do this thing? Now?"

"Naw! Today's Sunday, the Lord's day. You can't do shit like that on the Lord's Day!"

"OK, we'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow is good. Tomorrow isn't the Lord's day is it?"

"I don't think so. I think just Saturday and Sunday, or something like that. Let's do it anyway, tomorrow. We'll wait for them after work."

That was about all I could remember after I woke up later that afternoon. Butch and I had shot most of the daylight hours drinking and making plans. But, strange, that I didn't feel hung over. I actually felt pretty good. Good enough that I decided to call Dee. I went back into the little den and called.

"Hello? Pete is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me. How are you?"

"What do you mean how am I? You stormed out of here without giving me the time to explain like you promised. You promised not to take just parts of what I said. I never got the chance to finish. You promised!"

She was crying and hiccupping again, trying to get the words out. Damn, she was good at that. Sympathy move.

"I know what I promised. I just have a hard time with this bullshit you're throwing at me. Now you have me cheating on you and that's a damn lie. I'm supposed to sit there calmly when you tell me that shit?"

"I'm only telling you what I thought at the time! I talked myself into believing it along with Marty urging me on. I see it now, but not then. That's what you didn't let me say!"

OK, that calmed me down a little but I just didn't see how I could take this.

"Dee, we have a problem. You're telling me all this stuff that you believed and you fell for and that's what made you do what you did and I'm having a real problem accepting that you were that stupid. It all sounds like a convenient excuse to me."

"It's not an excuse. It's the reason I did what I did. I'm not accusing you of anything and I know you never cheated on me. I'm just trying to show you how confused I was. That's all."

"Well, if I accept that you were confused and you thought I was cheating, why were you so quick to doubt me and accept someone else's word? Where was the trust and the faith in me? I think the truth was that you thought you had a green light to do anything you wanted with anyone you wanted. That's what I think. So how about we cut to the chase?"

Silence. Just a few little sniffles but no sobbing now. Maybe she knew it was almost over. Maybe she knew that the battle was lost and it was time to cut her loses.

"OK. If you come home, I'll get to the part about Phillip. That's the part you need to hear about. Please come home. Now, while I have the courage to tell you."

"I'm on my way."

I checked on Butch, but he was sound asleep. I jotted my whereabouts on a note and stuck it to the last of the beers in the six pack. Butch would probably sleep through till tomorrow but still. I wanted to be a polite guest.

I drove home again and this time, went in the garage way. I had made my point earlier.

She was sitting right where I left her, at the table. I walked over and took my seat, pouring a cup of coffee from the pot on the table. She took it from me, walked over to the microwave and gave it a minute. It was the same pot as before. One of the things that was puzzling me was why I kept ending up with cold coffee!

Dee started right in, no delay, no buildup. "After the divorce, I spent a lot of time with Marty. She didn't really seem down at all but I thought she was hiding it. So, I went over almost every day. She seemed fine but she was still seeing Jack, which I thought was strange. I found out that he was married and mentioned it to her but she said he was going to leave his wife. At least, that's what she told me."

"Pretty soon, she was seeing him every day so I stopped going over there. But a week later, she called me and asked me to meet her at the diner where you found me. I went and that's when I met Phillip. He was there with them."

"Jack introduced me and we just talked and got to know each other. I just stayed for an hour or so and then left, but I promised to meet the three of them again. That's how it started."

I started to fidget as she got to the part about that son of a bitch. I didn't want to listen to this but I felt I had to. I looked over at her and just nodded.

"I had lunch with them twice more and then Phillip asked me to meet him alone for dinner. I refused at first but he asked me again later and I finally accepted. We went out to dinner three or four times, always alone. I told you I was with Marty on those times."

Dee stopped to take a drink of her tea while I waited. I took several deep breaths to try to calm myself but to no avail. My heart was pounding in my chest and I feared a heart attack was coming on. But, I stayed. When she looked at me, she could see the anger building up and she hurried on.

"I need to tell you right now, nothing happened at all at these dinners. Just two friends, talking and a little dancing. That's all. He was a perfect gentleman at all times. He was. Then, we didn't see each other for a week or so because he was traveling, but when he came back, he called and wanted to meet me for lunch. I accepted and met him at the diner. During lunch, he asked me to spend the night with him. I refused, but he kept asking. I still refused but I told him maybe later. I didn't say no! I said maybe!"

She stopped and watched me, while I continued to breathe deeply and count to ten over and over. I was proud of myself for staying in my seat and not collapsing from a stroke. OK, maybe it was coming later. But so far, so good.

"God, Pete! I'm so ashamed of myself. I said maybe. Maybe I would cheat on you and my marriage. Oh God, so ashamed. But, I have to continue. I have to tell you everything!"

She had to notice the heat in my face as my blood began to boil. She grimaced at my expression but she continued in spite of it. I had to give her credit for courage.

"I told Marty what Phillip wanted and she said I should go for it. She said that since you were cheating on me, I should do the same to you. She kept telling me you and Butch were two of a kind and you were both not worth staying faithful for. She finally admitted that she was fucking Jack almost every day. I was not surprised. I think I knew it."

"I kept thinking about what Phillip wanted and I was weakening. I began to consider it and wonder what it would be like. I didn't accept yet but I was beginning to think that I would. I went to dinner with him a couple more times and the last time was when he pulled me into a corner of the restaurant and kissed me. I had never kissed him on the mouth in all this time but he kissed me that night. It was a soft, pleasant kiss and I didn't stop it, not like he forced it on me. Afterwards, I didn't say anything about it so he thought it was fine with me. But it wasn't. It made me feel dirty."

Now she was the one breathing hard. It was interesting, watching her relive this. She was talking more to herself now than to me. It was fascinating to watch.

"At home that night, I went over it in my mind, again and again. And after a while, it didn't seem so bad. It grew in my mind to be rather pleasant and I believed I liked it. I remember how he pushed himself against me and I felt his arousal. That's when I began to consider Phillip as more than a friend and as a potential lover."

She stopped for a second to collect her thoughts and with a quick glance up at me, went on.

"During the time I was meeting him for lunch and dinner, I began to see you as a potential block to the things I wanted to consider. Things like going out on dates with Phillip, going to dinner and dancing and other things. You were a drag on me and it made me angry with you. You didn't do anything but I did. It was all in my mind. I finally decided that I wouldn't make love with you any more either. You didn't deserve me since you were so busy cheating on me with those other women."

I had been rather patient with her story up to this point and I promised myself that since it was over, what she did would not be of too much interest but that was changing. Her behavior was disgusting, her attitude was self serving and her whole story was one of selfish disdain for me and for our marriage. The anger I felt was beginning to grow and I knew that if something didn't happen soon, I was in danger of doing something I had never done: hit a woman!

I stood up and, after a few deep breaths, I looked down at this woman I thought I loved. I had no idea how she could have changed so much in such a short time. But maybe she hadn't really changed. Maybe this was the true Delia. A slut waiting for a chance to come out and play.

"I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know what the purpose of this is other than to make you feel better by confession. Well, guess what? I'm not a priest! If that's what you're looking for, I'm not him. So, if there's nothing else, I need to leave before I lose it and hurt you."

She jumped up and went to reach for me, but I stepped back out of her reach. Her face was a mask of pain and panic. Still, no fear of me. For some reason, that gave me pleasure. She could hurt, but not from my hand!

"I have to finish this. Until I do, you and I have no chance. You have to hear it all! Please, you promised! Let me finish!"

I stood there, controlling my breathing until I felt my blood pressure fall back to some semblance of normal. After a few strong exhales, I felt myself relaxing a bit and I finally sat back down.

"Get it over with then. I need to get out of here and into some fresh air. The stench in here is beginning to make me ill."

That had struck home! I saw her wince with pain and shame and it made me feel good. I had finally caused her to feel some of the hurt I had been living with for the past three days. But, she sat back down and prepared to continue.

"Phillip continued to call me and ask to see me again but I continued to say no. I was still considering and I think I was trying to work up the courage to say yes to him. I talked with Marty several times and she kept urging me to go ahead, reminding me of your 'affairs' as justification. I was still hesitating but I was weakening."

"For some reason, you got suspicious and I noticed your attitude changing toward me. You may not know it, but after nine years of marriage, I knew you pretty well. I knew your attitudes, your face when you were thinking and when you were worrying about something. I saw worry and concentration on your face more and more. It started me thinking."

She stopped to take a drink of her tea and put it aside. It had grown cold. Now she could drink cold stuff, just like my coffee. Trivial little shit not worth the time but the little flash of pleasure made me smile.

She must have misunderstood my smile as one of doubt, because she started back from that thought.

"You may not believe me but it's true. I guess now that I think about it, the same thing is true of you. That's why you became suspicious of me. You knew me and my habits and the changes were really major. I was just too stupid to see that about myself. That's what self absorption does to someone. I was so busy worrying about my own problems and things that I didn't even notice how my behavior had changed."

"Anyway, I decided that I had to make sure you didn't really know anything but I didn't know how. I called Phillip and told him I had to be very careful for awhile but that I would call him when I could. He wasn't happy, but he agreed. That was Monday of last week."

Now we were getting to it. Now I would hear the whole sad story. Now would come the truth!

"I had lunch with him on Wednesday when you said you had a luncheon meeting at work. I called him at his office and we met that day at the Friday's restaurant in town. Just lunch, but we talked again about his request and this time I agreed. I said I would do it! I don't know why, except that I thought that I had better do it before I had to stop seeing him: when you got too suspicious or something."

She looked at me to see how I was taking this but by now, I had stopped anticipating. I fully believed I knew what she had done and this was just the confirmation. Finally, the truth! I just returned her look with nothing in my expression. It was as cold and dead as I felt inside. She almost cried at my look but didn't. She swallowed, and continued.

"We made plans to meet for dinner Saturday night. I would tell you that I was going out with Marty to a movie or something which would give us the entire evening. He made a reservation at the Skyview motel, the one near the diner."

Now I was becoming confused. Saturday? She fucked this guy Saturday night while I was out drinking with Butch? After I had caught her red handed with his ass earlier in the day? No wonder she met him. Probably to tell him that it was definitely on and they didn't have to worry about dumb me. I knew nothing! Well, too fucking bad. I did know and now it was over.