Corner Table

Clive's assault and John's brief declaration of love had left me emotionally and physically exhausted. Perhaps I should have invited him in and let him comfort me; perhaps let him make love with me.

He had in his quiet unobtrusive way stormed my fortress. I had not said I loved him, and I wasn't sure that I did. John may have stormed the fortress, but I was still carrying the emotional baggage of Glen's desertion. I knew I had to be rid of that, and I also knew what to do.

Chapter 11. Exorcising the Ghosts.

I had some accrued leave, so I decided to take a week off from work. I told John that I was going away for a week. He asked me where I was going so I told him, "Just for a trip around the countryside."

He had said no more about his declaration of love, and I knew it was now up to me to respond either positively or negatively. I knew he wouldn't press the issue, any more than he pressed me for details of my trip. He simply said, "I'll miss you."

"It's only for a week, so why don't you arrange something nice for the week I come back?"

"Friday night?"

"Yes, Friday."

It was a Sunday when I set out. I was heading for Windabri. I stopped at a motel about half way there and drove on the next day. Mount Saint John came into view long before I reached the town, and it was wearing its snow free summer garb. It was dusk when I reached Windabri and after settling into the motel it was too late to do anything else.

I didn't sleep well that night as I lay thinking about John and the things I intended to do the next day.

What I had set myself to do sounds very simple. I was going to walk round the town, visiting old haunts and look at the house I used to live in. I was there to lay some ghosts.

After breakfast I began my tour. The motel was situated in the main street, so first I walked to the building where the group practice was located. The old names were still there, with one exception, Glen's. I was tempted to go in and ask what had become of him, but decided against doing that. "It might be better not to know," I thought.

I wandered on, looking at the shops that had once been so familiar. Some had changed hands and even the goods they sold. I went to places where Glen and I had gone, delaying going to the one place I really dreaded seeing.

I had a sparse lunch and after that steeled my self to go and look at the house that had once been mine and Glen's.

Arriving there I stood on the opposite side of the road. The new owners had made some changes in the garden and had installed new blinds. Apart from that the place looked the same. I stayed gazing at it for about five minutes, calling up old memories, and then I walked back to the motel.

From there I drove out to some places Glen and I had sometimes frequented; one of them especially, a grassy patch beside a creek. One afternoon Glen and I had picnicked there and as the evening drew on he had taken me on the blanket we had laid on the grass. What we hadn't taken account of was the mosquitos. We had scratched mosquito bites for the next few days.

I hadn't known how I would respond to the sights and sounds of Windabri. Much had been familiar some things had changed a little. Yet something had gone out of them, even the house. How to describe it I wasn't sure; they had no soul? No personality? They were places, and no more than that. There was neither pain nor pleasure in seeing them and I was no longer part of them or they of me.

Laying in bed that night I realised that I could now leave Windabri behind; its memories no longer had power over me; I had laid the ghosts.

John had broken through my defences and my trip to Windabri had demolished the last vestiges of the barrier I had erected. Locked inside that fortress I had been a mouse imprisoned, even though the prison was of my own making. Now I was free; still a mouse perhaps, but a free mouse. Or maybe not a mouse after all; time would tell.

I had one more thing that I needed to do; something I had not done all the time I had been living in Windabri. Tomorrow I would go to the top of Mount St. John.

I slept well that night.

Chapter 12. Interlude: Mount St. John.

I drove off the main highway and followed the subsidiary road that went in the direction of St. John. At first it snaked across a level plain, but as I drew closer to the mountain it began to twist and turn with tortuous bends climbing up to an area that had been levelled to make a car park. From there I climbed up the track that led to the summit of the mountain.

The day was warm and just as I thought I'd reached the top there was always yet another ridge ahead of me. Strange how from a distance the sides of St. John looked smooth, but on closer acquaintance you found it to be far from easy going.

It took me nearly an hour to reach the summit, but from there I had a wonderful panoramic view. On one side I could see in the distance Windabri, on the other the Bungle Bungles, a group of mountains not as high as St. John. I thought I might be able to see Moorimba, John's home town, but the Bungle Bungles obscured it.

I was able to see other towns scattered across the plain looking rather like little ant hills. I breathed deeply and as I exhaled it was as if the last of the poison that had infected me went out with my breath.

I knew what that poison had been. I had been unable to give value to myself, and in so doing I had been unable to value others. Hadn't someone once said, "Love your neighbour as yourself?" How do you love others if you don't love yourself? How do you give value to them when you don't value yourself?

I began my descent from the summit, reaching the car park in quicker time than it had taken me to climb to the top. I drove down to the plain and after a few kilometres I stopped, got out of the car and looked back at the mountain.

I said out loud, "I said goodbye once before Saint John. It was winter then on your summit with the first snow capping you, and it was winter also in my heart. Now you wear your summer garment and it is summertime in my heart.

I got back into the car and drove away.

I drove to the coast and for the next few days stayed in one of the seaside towns. I was alone, but no longer lonely. I had someone waiting for me back in Adelaide.

Chapter 13. A Restaurant and Romance.

I had no contact with John until Monday lunchtime when he came to my table beaming his welcome.

"God I've missed you Laura, how did your trip go?"

"I got done what I wanted to do," I replied ambiguously.

"Ah...good. By the way I've booked us in for dinner at a restaurant on Friday night, is that okay?"

"That will be just fine, John. Now tell me what you've been doing."

I had things to say to John, but lunchtime in the cafeteria was not the place or time. I decided to wait until Friday and the restaurant. We spent the rest of our cafeteria time that day and every other day discussing all sorts of relatively minor matters. John made no further reference to my trip, nor did he say anything about his declaration of love. There was a tension between us; not an unpleasant tension, but rather like when you're a child and are waiting for Christmas or your birthday to come with eager anticipation.

Friday night; I showered and blow dried my hair then brushed it to give it a shine. The cream suit I had bought for my first date with John had become my regular "going-out-with- John" outfit. I had replaced the torn shirt with a dark blue one.

I had arranged with John for him to come and pick me up since he now knew where I lived, and in any case I no longer felt I needed to keep him at a distance.

John hadn't told me where we were going so I was a bit surprised when instead of heading for the city centre he took of in the direction of the hills.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"I thought it would make a change if we went to one of the hill's restaurants," he replied, "you don't mind, do you?"

"No of course not." I guessed he had something special in mind, but even if he didn't, I had.

It was something rather special. The restaurant overlooked the city, and from its wide window we could see the city light spread out below us, and the vehicle head and taillights moving like little insects along the streets.

The layout of the restaurant was a bit old fashioned, with screens between the tables to ensure privacy.

The "something special" was clearly indicated by the dim lights of the restaurant and the two candles on the table which the waiter lit after we had sat down. The tension I had been feeling all week was intensified. What we ate during that meal I've never been able to remember, my mind was so taken up with what I knew I had to say to John. I knew that when I had said it my life, for good or ill, would never be quite the same again.

When we had finished eating and the table was cleared, John ordered champagne; an obvious indication, I thought, that romance was in the air. Just how romantic it would be would be determined by how John responded to what had to say.

The waiter poured the first glasses of wine, and when he left John raised his glass and said, "To us."

That was the moment.

"John," I began, "there is something I have to tell you."

"Then tell me, Laura."

"On Christmas Eve you told me you loved me."

"Yes."

"You said that knowing so little about me, apart from how nasty I could be."

"Perhaps I knew more about you than your realised."

"Maybe in a general way, but I've never told you any really personal things about me."

"No, but if you don't want..."

"But I do John, I want to because, you see, I feel free to do so. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"I have to tell you first, that I've been married."

"I guessed that."

I went on to tell him something about my life with Glen, and Glen leaving me for another woman. I explained how I had deliberately shut my self off from people, especially men. I told of how he, John, had found the chink in my armour and how I had felt unable to respond when he told me he loved me.

"You see John; I had to get rid of a lot of old baggage before I could say anything to you. That' what I was doing last week; I went back to Windabri."

"I thought it was something like that. So what did you discover?"

"I discovered it could no longer touch me...no longer hurt; I am free of it."

John leaned over the table to me and said softly, "And if I tell you now I love you, you can respond?"

"Yes."

"And what is your response?"

"I do love you John."

He looked at me intently, his eyes gleaming in the candlelight. "It takes a lifetime and more to know another person properly, shall we make a start?"

"Yes John; and just to show you what an awful woman I am, will you take me home and make love with me?"

"I had it in mind to ask you that myself, but wasn't sure how to."

I laughed and said, "Thank you John?"

"What for?"

"For not asking me long ago. I think if you had I would have said 'no', and run away from you."

"I sensed that as well."

"You're a lovely man, John."

"Not really. Let's finish the champagne and go."

"And a mean man," I laughed.

"No, not mean, just careful. I don't like anything going to waste, including people."

"Yes, I know, darling."

Chapter 14.

Right from the start of our relationship John had been very tender with me, that first night in bed with him was no exception.

Wen he had undressed me and looked at my naked body he said, "You're very lovely, Laura."

I was about to protest that I wasn't lovely, but then I remembered what the bard had said about beauty being in the eye of the beholder. If John saw me as lovely, then for him that is what I am, and if he thinks that, then why should I not accept that I am?

I thought he might be like Glen the first time we copulated. Glen had been frantic, taking me almost savagely, not so with John. His kissing, his touching my breasts and his tender stimulating of my clitoris told me had had been with a woman or women before, but I didn't care.

As his prepared to penetrate me a faint shadow passed over me and I whispered, "Don't hurt me John."

He misunderstood me because he said, "I'm not all that big darling."

I was holding his penis in my hand, so I laughed shakily and said, "Big enough, my love."

I guided him into me, and with a sigh he sank deep into me. I loved him...I loved him...the shadow passed. "No, he will never hurt me; never desert me as Glen had," I thought, as I began to surrender to my orgasm.

When we had finished he lay looking into my eyes, his penis still in me. "I love you very much, Laura."

"And I love you, John."

He took me twice more that night – or was it me who took him? - No matter, it was just as beautiful whoever initiated it.

It was just as well our copulating was an act of mutual love because about five weeks later I had to tell John we were going to be parents. But then, if you don't take any precaution that is what you can expect.

We have been married two years now. We have a baby daughter. I did breast feed her but I don't think I shall sag, not like I had once hoped Cynthia would. But now it doesn't really matter whether she does or doesn't sag, and who knows, perhaps Glen will enjoy sagging breasts – that is, if he's still with Cynthia.