Crash

I was lying in bed Tuesday evening trying to fall asleep. I was replaying in my mind all the wonderful things you did for me. Everything went so fast that afternoon; I was playing it back in slow motion and savoring each experiment that took place. I was lying on your chest, being peaceful, content and serene. And BAM, I went from a beautiful sexual high to an all time "CRASH". Like coming down from a horrible drug high or a sugar rush high. I started weeping.

I'm lying on your chest with my eyes closed, listening to your chest move up and down, resting from exhaustion and I hear your fingers tapping away on the phone. I open one eye to see what you were doing. And I see that you are texting Laura." Thanks for calling. It's like Vancouver. Love you." I close my eyes and pretend I didn't see. But I did see and I am ashamed for feeling betrayed as I lay in your arms.

The logic side of my brain is telling me, why are you having a reaction to seeing such intimacy, after all, Laura did call earlier and you were responding to her call. Why would the act of seeing you do so, upset me so? But it did upset me and I began to feel empty side, very empty. What am I doing? Why am I doing this to myself pretending that the sex is going to make me feel better?

I will never have what you have with your wife. The intimacy I long for. I know that what you lack in your marriage is sex. And that is what I can give you. I too am missing sex in my marriage. But I am also missing so many more things than you. And I long for those to return. That moment of intimacy with your wife after the vacation you had, I know it was good for you. Part of you wanted to continue the wonderful time spent together being close and sharing. I get it. I understand it.

I want it for me.

You are amazing Arie. You fulfill one of my needs as I do yours. However, I'm realizing that I have so many more that need to be fixed. And when it smacks me in the face, I hurt for it. And I guess your text did just that. I wanted to tell you that at lunch, but when I saw you and how happy you were and those big brown eyes looking at me so carefree, I didn't want to ruin it.

I know what we have, truly I do. It's purely sexual. And I really thought I was able to separate sex from feelings. I thought if I could have sex like a man purely to just have sex without guilt, feelings or emotions, it would be fun. But I'm finding the more time I spend with you the more I cannot be that man. You are not like my other affairs. We spend a great deal of time together. Plus you want to do things with me, which confuses me. I'm getting mixed signals.

So why don't I just quit you?

You have become my drug. The high you give me, is something no drug has ever been able to do. You take me on a trip I don't want to let go of. And when I do see you and your big brown eyes, I melt and push all those intimate feelings I think I have behind my wall. Hoping I can get one more fix of you. I want to taste you, to feel you, to feel your hands caressing my body, for you to be inside me. Because when you are inside me you light me up. You energize me from the inside out. You make me feel how I want to feel all the time, alive, wanted, desired, appreciated. How can I refuse that? And I know you too desire the same feeling.

As I said in my text, my head (logic), my heart (emotion) and my body (physical) are all playing tug-o-war with each other. Each attribute is trying to overturn the other. Part of me wants to quit; the other part of me doesn't want it ever to stop. I battle my own demons. The angel and devil are perched on my shoulder yelling in my ear. "Go see him, you miss him, you want him," and "Don't respond to his text, tell him you're not available."

I know it's a lot to take in. Be gentle.