Cruz Cruise Cruz

The title of this article should more properly read:

That's because it's about a Cruise sandwich. Here's how to make one: put a tender Penelope on the bottom, her scrumptious sister Persephone on top and some hot Tom in the middle – simple and delicious. There have been other Cruise sandwiches in the past but this one wasn't Tom's idea.

Where did I get this detailed information of the 'Top Guns' sexploits? From a friend of a friend who got an advance copy of an article that will run in the National Inquisition next week; can't beat that for authenticity.

The article goes over some well worn territory; such as the risky business of De Mornay in the morning and the acquisition of much more Moore than a few good men could handle. I won't betray confidences but I will hint to you that C. (Of Sonny and…which rhymes with 'bare') and R.Z. (Of Jerry Maguire – rhymes with hellweger) are both 'hellcats' in bed. (Tom's description)

The article also will divulge Tom's sure-fire line to get a girl into bed. It's guaranteed to work: first time, every time. Tom is said to have used it in bars churches and restaurants all over the country. The generous Mr. Cruise gave permission for others to use it. I'm breaking it first here. This is it: "Hello". (So, R.Z. wasn't the first to say "You had me at hello". Tom claims it never fails although on two occasions he did have to fire both barrels and say "Hello, I'm Tom Cruise")

One of those occasions was when he met Penelope. It was on the set of "Vanilla Sky" (This was not where she got the nickname Vanilla Thighs – that's a different gastronomical tale) Tom was smitten. Not a big surprise considering the long creamy legs and thighs, the slim waist which accentuates the 'positives' (Some of the best 'T' and 'A' around) and an exquisite face that alternately says "Girl next door – take me to bed".

On their first date there was 'a whole lot of shaking going on'. Penelope loves to dance. (Dancing = screwing with clothes on) They went clubbing and by the time they got back to the hotel it was three a.m. and they had a six a.m. call at the set. Too late to go to sleep; right? So….

It was pretty conventional by Hollywood standards. Lots of F and S some BDSM a smattering of AE and a quick Z. (Neophytes see glossary) Conventional until Vanilla Thighs says, "Tommy I want you to meet my sister".

"Now?" the boxerless boy wonder wondered.

"Now!" the pantyless Penelope panted.

"But honey, (Never could remember women's names) "is this really a time for a meet and greet"?

"Tom-Tom you big silly, we're talking meet and eat here. Persephone is my only sister and my best friend. She likes you and she asked me if she could have a piece and I said "yes"; unless of course satisfying two hungry women seems like an impossible mission for you."

Offended T.C. drew himself up to his full 5'8" (Don't believe the bio) and said "I choose to accept".

Persephone appeared almost as hot as her more famous sibling: almost as creamy, almost as wet and almost as chaste. She greeted the Tomster with a mouthful of tongue that about licked his tonsils. "God", he thought, "That sucker must be seven inches long"

In two minutes flat, the size of Persephone's tongue was no longer a matter of speculation. It was cradled around Mr. Cruz's horizontal protuberance – along the length. It was extended to its full six and three quarter inches as was he. His eyes were anything but wide shut as he gaped at the sight of her lingual gymnastics. Needless to say this wasn't his first entrance into the oral arena but it was the first time he was in the hands of (make that mouth of) an official Olympic contender. As she worked her wonders, Tom thought, "The wrong sister starred in Blow"

Penelope was heating up. She got on the bed and opened wide enough for a twenty million dollar weekend. "Tommy" she ordered, "Come and do me like it's my birthday and the Fourth of July rolled into one. I want to see fireworks".

Ever obliging, The Cruiser reluctantly removed himself from the confines of the home of the tongue that devoured Cleveland and made his way between Vanilla Thighs. It was a grand entrance. He was received most hospitably as he pounded Penelope's puss. Not to be excluded, Persephone climbed on Tom's back grinding her pubes on his butt. The sub rub and the hot doagie hoagie were born.

The wet wedging continued until a mutually satisfying conclusion was reached. After a respectable respite, The Tomster said, "Honeys, I've got someone I'd like you to meet. He put a call through to Russell Crowe who was in town to do a cameo on their film. (It ended up on the cutting room floor as did he and the lovely editor) Before you could say 'foursome' Crowe flew through the door. He took an instant licking to Penelope while Persephone ate Crowe. When he was done he was very Gladiator. (Sorry)

In addition to all the usual goings on at these Hollywood get-togethers, Tom in a flash of brilliance comes up with the concept of "A night at the races" and everyone is game.

First race 3:02 a.m., Cruise on Penelope, Crowe on Persephone. Who can bring their little lady off first using only a tongue? Place your bets…and they're off. Tom Terrific is one lap behind at the ½ but employs the flutter tip and has his filly bucking. At the ¾ pole Crowe the Gallant Warrior takes to the whip and his thoroughbred is foaming. They come to the finish line in a screaming live heat and it's…Penelope by a nose.

3:37 a.m. Possibility # 12 actualizes - Cruz, Cruise, Crowe: Delicious Persephone orally engulfs Crowe with Cruise in the saddle. It's a race to the finish to see who finishes first. Penelope is cheerleading and slapping Toms butt yelling, "Take it to her Tommy…you can do it". Crowe claims 'foul' due to unfair stimulation and it's a 'No contest'.

3:46 a.m. "Lick it and dick it": The biathlon of the Stars. The rules: sit on his face for thirty seconds then sit on his pole for thirty seconds, gold medal to the couple that comes in second – twice.

Now the math of the situation allows for twenty four possibilities from singles to quads. Let's just say they got to nineteen before the cameras rolled. (What do you think the gross would be for the Cruz, Cruise, Cruz, and Crowe video?)

So when you go to see their next movie, if they seem a little logy, listless or lethargic and you notice crow's feet or saddle bags, cut them a little slack. Being a star is a job with long hours and intense competition; and thank your lucky stars you don't have to do it.