Daddy Issues

Years ago when I was a young man I got a sweet gig in a band that toured resorts around the world. We sang cover songs and played big hotels in some of the most exotic places in the world. I was in heaven. I was singing for a living and meeting great people, having amazing parties and getting laid by fantastic women.

On one particular tour in Dubai we hired a woman to replace the female lead singer and this lady, Ariel, was a friend of a friend from back home. It was great to spend time with a person from near where I was from, and talk about old times with people Ariel and I both knew.

After a few weeks Ariel and I started sleeping together. She was an elfin girl, five foot three maybe, super fit, with an amazing body. Ariel was also an actress so she was very pretty and had a huge personality. It was some of the best sex I had ever had. We went at it day and night. We were young, had more money than we had ever had and the crowds went crazy for our singing.

Then she got pregnant.

It was one of those shitty one in million chances. We used condoms, and she was on the pill but somehow she still got pregnant.

We panicked a bit thinking it was the end of our lives. I was 22 and she was 20. Yet in the end we worked it out. She would go home to live with her folks and I would finish my next two contracts in Asia, then come join her.

When our Dubai gig ended we both flew back to Canada and set up house at her parents. It was embarrassing to come home like that and meet her family, but they were cool and we got along great. When I left there was much crying, but also a strange sense of relief from her that confused me.

We talked all the time on the phone and I sent her money and played my shows. Between Bangkok and Singapore, the city that was supposed to be my last in the band I went back to Canada to visit Ariel. It was awkward and we talked a lot about our life. I couldn't keep my hands off the bump growing in her belly, but we didn't sleep together. I was a guest in her parents' home.

Before I left she told me she didn't love me, and that she didn't think we should be a couple. Ariel wanted me to be in the baby's life, but that I should go live my life and not sacrifice my dreams for them. It was crazy. I felt so much guilt and shame because that is what I wanted too. We spoke with her parents and I called mine and in the end I left and went back to my life and agreed to be the daddy, but only from afar.

I continued with my tours and whenever I had time off I travelled to stay with Ariel and our baby Ava, the most adorable little girl in the world. Whenever I came home my folks would come to stay as well and we all became an unusual but close family.

I started writing original songs and sending them to friends in the music business and I still enjoyed singing in the band immensely. My life was still that of a young man on the road, and when I wanted I had this little family thing going that was fun as well.

Then Ariel met someone. Ava was seven and I was in Taiwan when Ariel phoned and told me she was in love, and going to get married.

The next visit I would have had with them I opted out to give the newlyweds some space. The next time was Christmas and the group of them went to his parents place for the holidays, so I spent it with my folks at their place.

One thing led to another and the visits became fewer and farther between.

I never lost touch and still sent money, but now it went to Ava's future and not to the necessities of life. I was superfluous and it hurt a little. There they were living a normal life and as I grew older and lonelier I realized I was never going to be a rock star.

I focused more on writing for others and actually had a number one hit for a summer. I was listed as a co-writer for the singer but it was my song with minor tweaks from someone in the studio. I now had a lot more money and was in more demand as a song writer. It wasn't enough to live off of, but as a bonus to my gigging money it was great. I bought a little house on the beach in Mexico and for the first time in my life owned more than what I could carry in a suitcase.

Then I turned forty and wondered if touring was my passion anymore.

I hadn't seen Ava in a couple years, I had no lover, few friends and I was tired.

I left the band and moved to my place in Mexico. I was writing full time and built a small studio in a room in the beach house. I was nervous about money, but there was enough saved up that I could coast for a while and still be in good shape. I needed to make a change in my life and now was the time.

Ava graduated from high school and was now eighteen. A grown woman. At least in her own eyes. She told us that she wanted to come live with me for the summer before she started college and I loved the idea. I hadn't seen her in over two years and I missed her.

When she stepped off the plane I almost didn't recognize her. She was a gorgeous young woman. I could see her mother in her, and myself, but mostly she was her own person and she looked fabulous. She was five foot six, petite and fit. Her long honey brown hair was loose and curled, her big green eyes wide open and thrilled to see me, her pretty pink mouth spread in a wide smile of joy.

We hugged and I held her to me, so happy to feel this complete. It had been so long since I felt so connected to somebody and feeling her firm body vibrating with so much emotion made me feel overwhelmed and I was filled with an overabundance of gratitude for having a daughter so happy to see me.

We went for dinner and tried to catch up, but both of us were babbling about our lives. She told me about her Mom and Dad, yes it broke my heart a little to hear her call Gavin Dad, and I tried to tell her about my music but I wanted to know about her and never finished any thoughts. We had some wine with dinner and she got drunk right away having never had alcohol before.

As the conversation progressed two things struck me about Ava. One was that she was very mature and smart. I had known she was intelligent, but her maturity was a surprise. More than once she made observations about her life that made me realize how tuned into herself and the world around her she was. I was very proud of that, even though I had very little to do with it.

The other thing that struck me was in direct contrast to her maturity. Ava was very sheltered. We had spent a lot of money on her education, putting her in a private school with only two hundred other students from grade 3 to 12. It wasn't my call, but I liked that she was getting a very hands on education. Yet now I could see that she hadn't experienced much of the regular high school life I expected to hear from her.

As we got to know each other again that night over dinner and on the drive back home she told me she had never had alcohol, never been to a rock concert, never had a driver's licence, never been abroad until now, and didn't swear. She had never even had a boyfriend.

"You've never had a boyfriend?!" I was incredulous.

"Well I went on a couple dates, but..."

"There were boys at yours school though right?"

"Yeah, but they were like brothers to me. I knew them, like, my whole life." She looked repulsed by the thought.

"What about guys in your neighborhood, or whatever?"

"I never met any I liked enough."

"So you've never fooled around with a boy?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know... messing around with sex stuff...?" I lost steam part way through that comment as it suddenly seemed too invasive.

"Oh God Glen! No!" It hurt that she called me Glen and not Dad, but I understood that to her Gavin was Dad.

"I'm sorry. We can change the subject if you want."

We sat in silence for a moment letting that sink in. Later we resumed when at home. We were now sitting on the back veranda the surf crashing thirty feet away the night warm and sultry sipping wine.

"Um..., did you have sex in high school?" Her voice was soft and tentative, but I could hear the curiosity that impelled her to break the silence. I wanted her to know me, and I hated to deny her anything, always had, so I answered.

"Yeah. I had a few girlfriends, and we had sex a lot. Once we started it was really hard to stop. It felt so good. Y'know."

"No, I don't." she sounded really sad. "I think I have a normal sexual appetite, I suppose, but I'm shy about it."

She was looking off into the night sky and seemed wistful. I wasn't sure where she was going with this, but I remembered being young and awkward so I spoke. "When we are young sex can seem so big. So overwhelming, and as your mom and I can attests it can have powerful ramifications, but it is pretty cool, and ultimately not that big a deal. We all have it, like it and it certain ways, and crave it. It's just life."

"Yeah. I guess. It just seems so important to everyone. I wonder what I'm missing."

"So have some."

"With who?"

"Someone you like. It doesn't have to mean anything. It isn't going to change who you are, or suddenly feel like learning a new language that everyone else is speaking but you can't understand. More like learning a new word in your language. One you never noticed before, but as soon as you learn it you hear it everywhere. "

"I've had that happen. When I learned iridescent I had never heard it before, then it was everywhere." She seemed excited by that analogy.

"Yeah. So sex is kinda like that. You know it is out there now, but once you have it, it makes more sense, and you will figure out what everyone is going on about. "

She looked pensive.

"This is pretty personal, so don't tell if you don't want to, but do you masturbate?"

"No!" Ava was appalled, or at least she was pretending to be.

"Why not"

"Because... Well it... I don't know. It feels dirty." She was embarrassed, but I think it was more because she didn't masturbate, not because she was embarrassed to talk about it.

"So you've tried?"

"Yes I tried a few times, but I didn't know what to do really." She spoke more quietly, and I could see her blushing in the light of the candles we had lit.

"Hey, don't feel bad about this. It is hard to talk about, I know. Just remember I love you. I'm not going to judge you. This is awkward to talk about, but it is pretty great stuff, sex." Then I knew what to do.

"Hold on." I said and went and got my laptop. When I returned she was curled up on her chair looking vulnerable and scared. "Okay. Take this to bed. Look up masturbation on Google and watch some woman do it. "

"I don't want to look at porn. "

"Everybody looks at porn. It's fine. You deserve to feel good about your body. Try it out and pretty quickly you'll figure out what to do on your own and find out what feels good to you. Then you'll be set."

Ava looked dubious, but took the computer. There was silence for a moment than I said, "Well that was a nice bonding session." We looked at each other a moment and then laughed as tension released.

"I'm going to bed Ava. But I am happy to talk about any of this stuff if you want, or don't want. I have no agenda beyond helping you be as happy as can be."

"Thanks Glen. I appreciate it. I guess I'll keep you posted..." she grinned.

"Fine. I love you. I kissed her soft hair and went to bed feeling stupidly proud of my clumsy parenting.

The next few days were amazing. Ava didn't talk about what she did alone in her room, but when I looked at my laptop history I saw several searches for masturbation for girls and her mood was so good I assumed she had been making herself feel pretty good.

I tried not to work too often but after days of the two of us hanging out, swimming exploring and just getting to know each other I needed to catch up on my music.

Ava seemed perfectly happy to let me do that, and as I closed the door to my studio I saw her wander down the beach in her sarong and bikini, a small bag of supplies suggesting she might be gone a while.

After a few hours Ava came back with a bit of a sunburn and big smile on her face.

"I met some kids further down the beach. They seem cool, and invited me to a party tonight. Do you mind if I go?"

I think I felt that same feeling that every parent has when their child begins to have a life independent from them, but my journey was so much faster than theirs. In mere days I had been left behind.

"Not at all. Just take your phone and call me if you need a ride or whatever. Have fun."

And off she went.

She got home around one in the morning and I was in bed, but not asleep. She knocked lightly on my door. I quickly covered up my nudity with a sheet, I had been reading with the covers off and letting the air cool me.

"Come in"

"Hey I saw the light and figured you might be up."

"I am. Did you have fun?"

"Yeah, I did. I had a couple beers too, so I'm a little tipsy." She giggled and came and sat on the bed. "I love you Glen. I'm so glad I came here." She leaned in to hug me and I saw that she was a little more than tipsy.

"I'm so glad you did too Babe. You are wonderful. I love you." My grown up daughter snuggled her face into my neck and sighed a big drunken sigh as we hugged on my bed.

"Awwww..." she cooed and squeezed me hard. I smiled and tried not to laugh at her first sloppy drunken emotional state.

"Tell me about the party." I said.

Ava twisted around and lay down beside me on the bed. She was wearing jean shorts and a t-shirt, she had bare feet and her hair was long and loose. As she stretched out along my body I adjusted so that I could lay beside her for optimum cuddling, then she related her night to me.

It wasn't anything thrilling to me after years of hard parties, but she was clearly enraptured by the experience of having a bonfire on the beach with booze, kids singing songs, playing guitar and dancing around the fire.

Soon her voice slurred more and the story came slower. I asked her if she was falling asleep, she said no, but so groggily that it made me laugh.

"Come on, let's get you to bed."

"Can I please stay here, I don't wanna move. "

I was so touched that my baby girl wanted to sleep next to me that I accepted it. I pulled the coverlet I had discarded at the foot of the bed over her and turned off the light, stretching over her body as she slumped beside me. When I reached over her she reached up and hugged me again. It was so sweet.

With the light off and her covered I settled in to sleep.

From the darkness Ava spoke.

"Thank you for showing me those videos."

I didn't remember showing her any videos so it took a second to figure out what she meant.

"Pardon?"

"The masturbation movies."

"Oh. Yeah. That helped...?"

"Yup."

"I'm glad. That's great."

"Yup." She giggled again and I laughed with her happy that she was feeling better about her body.

Sleep eventually took us after some silly meaningless conversation. We were snuggled in and sleeping together in a way I had not had with her for such a long time I got a little teary eyed as I drifted off. I was so in love with my beautiful daughter.

After so long alone I had forgotten what it felt like to have a woman in my bed, and when I woke up I was spooning Ava, cumming into the sheets my cock wedged into her ass as I dry humped her through the sheets, having a sex dream. She was humping back seemingly having a sex dream of her own. Groggy and confused I was reaching around her and massaging her breasts moaning my pleasure.

I have always been a sleep fucker. I had read that it was like sleepwalking and some people did it more than others. I hadn't slept with a woman overnight in years and it had slipped my mind last night. It didn't always happen, actually it didn't happen that often at all, but it was happening now and it looked like Ava might be doing the same thing.

I seriously tried to disengage but I really didn't want to wake Ava up and force her to discover our compromising situation. First I had to stop groping her breast, but she had a death grip on my hand, I looked over her shoulder to see what I could do and saw that her other hand was frigging frantically between her thighs. At some point she had removed her shorts, leaving her in tiny pink panties. Her legs were clenched together around her hand and she was humping her own arm and that was why she was grinding her ass into me.

I moved my cock from her butt and once more attempted to ease my hand off her boob but just then she started to moan quietly and she tilted back her head and started to cum. I could tell, I'd seen it enough times before, particularly because she looked like her mother as she climaxed.

Ava came long and hard, and it looked so beautiful and so sexy that my cock stayed hard as she bucked back and forth against me. I felt terrible but I started to massage her breasts and rub her nipple to give her even more pleasure. I wanted my sweet girl to feel good, and still partially asleep I wanted to feel her gorgeous teen body.

I lay down in case she woke up so I could claim to still be asleep, but I felt good holding her trembling form as she shuddered through an orgasm.

She mercifully stayed asleep. I suspect it was the booze. When she slumped into a passive sleep once more I extracted myself from her and got out of bed. I tried to shower off my shame, but it wasn't on my skin. I wandered around the house in my think housecoat and tried to take my mind off what had happened, but it was so erotically compelling that I my mind went over every detail obsessively.

I went into the studio and began to write music. I used my sexual tension and wrote two songs about it in thinly veiled metaphor. I hoped no-one would ever hear them but I didn't count on Ava.

When I came out she was curled up on a bench on the veranda looking at the ocean nursing a cup of coffee.

"I loved that last song Glen. It was so passionate."

"Thanks. Does your mom never play tapes of us?"

"Oh I knew you could sing really well, I mean the writing. That song was great." She looked sincere, if hung over, and once more I felt a surge of pride for my little girl.

"That's some lucky girl." She said quietly.

"Who?" I was genuinely confused.

"The woman in the song." She was really fishing, glancing at me, and then away. I thought she was trying to tease me about having a secret girlfriend.

"Oh, no. I just made her up. An imaginary lover."

"Oh good." When she said that we looked at each other and she started to blush.

"Wow! Don't you want me to have a girlfriend?" I was a little hurt but covered it with humour.

"No! No no no no! I meant I didn't want you to keep a secret from me."

"Oh. Sorry. There's no-one to keep secret. Not for a while now."

"Well I think you deserve the perfect woman. "

"Thanks, kiddo. That means a lot to me." She smiled so openly, so happily and looked so cute all rumbled from sleep and being hung over that I blurted out "You're my perfect girl. You're all I need." And as she blushed and looked embarrassed I remembered what had happened this morning and felt a blush of my own.

She saw it and laughed at me.

"Oh man! You are such a softy! You are blushing like crazy. Mom never told me how sensitive you were."

"Well to be honest she might not have known. We didn't really know each other that well."

"Aww, that is a little sad. You loved her didn't you?"

"Yeah, or at least my idea of who she was. Who knows how accurate it was."

"Tell me more about your time together."

I sat next to her on the bench and she snuggled me once more, hung over and weak. Sitting in the warm tropical sun I tried to push away the feeling of humping her buttocks that morning while we snuggled and spoke of the past.

It was a great morning, but soon we grew hungry and had to eat. Ava seemed blissfully unaware of what had happened this morning and I forced it from my mind and soon I felt normal again.