Dawn over Sun Valley Ch. 06

Mrs. Rojas stopped her on the way out. "What's going on, Leanne? Why so late?

Leanne worried her lip. "I'm sorry Mrs. Rojas, I just - I'd prefer to eat in my room."

The older woman gave her a knowing look. "It's you and Joe, isn't it?"

Leanne nodded miserably, and Mrs. Rojas placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I see. That's okay, just return the dishes to the kitchen when you're done, okay?"

Leanne nodded, and then asked - "Um, could I maybe get some cereal or maybe some sandwich bread and peanut butter to keep in my room?"

The older woman considered her for a moment, but then shrugged. "Sure. Let me bring you some." She returned a moment later with the requested items, and a bag of fresh fruit. "Here you go. I hope this helps."

Leanne thanked her profusely, and returned to the safety and solitude of her room.

Only five more weeks. I can do this.

*

For the next couple of weeks, Leanne made do with breakfast, lunch and supper of cereal, fruit and sandwiches in her room. If anyone had noticed, nobody said a word, for which she was grateful.

Halloween couldn't come quickly enough.

She was working the fields with Julio every morning, taking care of the ripening pumpkins, which helped keep her black mood at bay. He was as friendly as ever, and the physical exertion felt good. And her afternoons were dedicated to the kiddie farm, her refuge. She was no longer assigned to the dairy farm, so the risk of bumping into Joe was minimized, thanks to Tammy's consideration.

There were several pumpkin patches, and not all squashes ripened at the same time, so they would walk up and down the field every day, picking the ripe ones, and then leave them to cure under the warm autumn sun. Then they'd be collected and taken to the big patch right next to the farm gates, where people were coming in every day to purchase small mountains of them for the upcoming holiday.

It was hard work, but Leanne liked being away from the farm, breathe the clean air and feel the sun warm her back as she worked. The physical exertion seemed like a positive outlet for her nervous energy. Once she went overboard with it and had to sit down for a moment to catch her breath, which made Julio's face frown with concern, but when he saw her up on her feet in no time, he let it go.

She was losing weight, too, Leanne realized when she found herself pulling her pants up repeatedly while piling bright-orange, rotund pumpkins onto the tractor bed. Annoyed, she found a piece of rope and used it for a makeshift belt. There, that's better.

An annoying, persistent bug had taken residence in her gut had had killed her appetite. That morning was going to tell Tammy she'd need a sick day. But she remembered all too well Tammy's warning from weeks ago - the 'zero-tolerance notice' - and wouldn't take the risk. She made herself a cup of tea and felt better, or so she convinced herself. And once out on the field, she really was fine.

*

That evening, Joe watched Tammy as her eyes followed Leanne scurrying across the gravel yard. Reluctantly his own gaze drew to her hunched form as she walked, hugging herself, head bent, as if determined to avoid any and all eye contact.

"Something is very wrong with that girl."

Oh, you have no idea, sis. Joe thought, but said nothing. The past few weeks had been hell. Wherever he turned, she seemed to be, and he couldn't bare look at her. Every time he saw her, the same gut-wrenching mix of emotions flared - hatred and regret, hurt and shame, desire and loathing - and all he could do was turn his back and walk away. But he was not going to dump this shit on anyone else. He kept his mouth shut this long, he could continue to do so a few weeks longer.

"Seriously, Joe. I'm worried. I mean - look at her. She looks ill. And she hasn't been herself since - since you two broke up."

Joe shrugged. Looks could be deceiving. "I don't know. She seems okay."

"Ugh." Tammy looked disgustedly at him. "Typical male. You really are blind to these things, aren't you?"

He wasn't sure if his sister was criticizing him personally, or his kind in general, but either way the dig struck a nerve.

"Oh yeah? Please do share your insights with me, Oh Observant One."

Tammy huffed with annoyance. "For one, she'd stopped eating. Or at least, she hasn't joined everyone for meals in a long time. And she'd lost a ton of weight; I mean - look at the way her clothes are hanging. Not that she had that much to start with."

Joe clenched his teeth, his mind all too quick to conjure up the gentle curves of her slim body. He'd made a conscious effort not to look at her too closely - or at all - since that night. Now, for a moment, he wished he'd succumbed to temptation.

"Also, she'd completely withdrawn into herself. I know part of it must be that the other seasonals had left and she's awkward with us all for obvious reasons, but still. I haven't seen her smile since that night, Joe. Not once."

Joe cleared his dry throat. "What about work?" He wouldn't put it past her kind to skip work once her cover had been blown, or playing up the 'I'm sick' card. In fact, he expected it.

"She still reports to work every single morning - including weekends, as per our revised agreement. And she does the work as required, but even there keeps mostly to herself. Puts her music on and ignores everyone. And then when the day is over she's back in her room, door closed. Doesn't speak to anyone, doesn't join us in the common room. It's like she's trying to disappear or something."

"And you think it's because I broke up with her?"

Tammy bit her lips, and then blurted - "Remember I asked you if you - if you beat her up?"

At Joe's muted nod, she charged on. "I think she was assaulted that night, Joe. And if it wasn't you, then it has to be someone else - though I can't believe any of our guys -" She stopped. "The more I think about it, the more obvious it is to me - she's avoiding him. Whoever it is who attacked her." Tammy met his eyes. "I need to know who did it. I mean, anyone could be at risk from this guy. Hell, I could be at risk!"

Joe listened with growing unease to Tammy, but it was the fear that he heard creeping into her voice in those last words that made him react before he could think.

"Stop it, Tammy. You're not at risk." He snapped. "And besides, it wasn't like that."

Silence greeted him, and when he raised his eyes he found Tammy staring at him in disbelief.

"What?!"

The anguish in his sister's voice was more than he could bare to hear.

"Tammy -"

"Oh no. Don't you dare 'Tammy' me! What the fuck, Joe?!"

His sister jumped to her feet and stood before him, fists on hips, more angry than he'd ever seen her. He tried again -

"It wasn't like that, Tammy. Please just let me -"

"What, 'explain'?!"

She was shouting, but then her voice broke, and to his horror he saw tears spill down her cheeks in two hot streams over her flushed cheeks.

"She was fucking bleeding from those scratches on her back!" Tammy's voice was thick with tears. "There were bruises on her wrists - what the fuck did you do, Joe?!"

He shook his head, a little dazed. She was bleeding?! He guessed the siding on that shed could be rough, and he probably did hold her wrists hard enough to bruise, but - "I didn't rape her, Tammy. I swear. Yes I was angry, but -"

"No, no, no..."

His sister voice was pained, and the next thing he knew she was pounding her fists on his chest, crying "no" with every jab.

At first he just stood there, letting her hit him, but then his arms came around her to hold her close, locking her hands between them. She struggled until her fight drained and then she bent her forehead on his chest, her whole body shaking with her sobs.

He had to make her understand.

"Tammy, I swear to you, I didn't rape her. She was into it. She wanted the sex. She initiated it. She enjoyed it. I didn't force her to do anything."

His arms relaxed as he spoke, and Tammy leaned back to look up at his face, but then she pushed his chest with both hands, sending both of them stumbling back a couple of steps. Her look was thunderous.

"She was 'into it'! Are you fucking insane, Joe?! Do you even hear yourself?!"

He tried replying, but his sister shut him up with a single finger held up in front of his face, shaking but effective. Her voice, too, was quivering, but the burning emotion behind it was unmistakable.

"Here's what I know, Joe. For whatever reason, you were angry with her. So much that you decided to break up with her. Fine. But you didn't just break up. Oh no. You hate-fucked her. You used her and discarded her; you fucking left her bruised and battered, literally dumped in the dirt! Oh yeah, she was definitely into that! So much so that she promptly went and drank herself into a stupor. And hadn't been back to herself ever since."

His sister's heartbroken expression tore at Joe's guts.

Fuck. He felt lower than a worm.

"I don't care what she did, Joe. I don't care how angry you were - or are - with her. I want you to fix this."

He tried to work his dry throat, then coughed. The lump didn't budge.

"H-how, Tammy? How do I fix this?"

Tammy waved her hands emphatically, but had no ideas forthcoming.

"I don't know, Joe. Apologize, for starters. Beg for forgiveness. Ask her what you can do to help. Do something. But you can't leave it like that. You can't." She gave him a fierce look. "I won't let you."

Joe nodded grimly. Tammy was right. Whatever her ulterior motives were, whatever her ultimate game was, he couldn't escape the fact that he hurt Leanne in a way he never should have hurt a woman. He may not have raped her, but the way he treated her would still have his mother turn in her grave. Even if she did sleep with Todd later that night - well, maybe that was his fault, too. Maybe he pushed her into the other man's arms -

Don't go there, Joe, or you'd really go crazy. Just do what you need to do.

"Right."

Joe turned on his heel and started in the direction Leanne had taken earlier. He was never one to postpone difficult tasks. Might as well get them over with. He wasn't going to forget or forgive who Leanne was or what she did, but he was going to own up and apologize for his own wrong-doings. He was going to fix this. For his sister's sake. For his own peace of mind.

He'll apologize, and then he'll put Leanne Sommers behind him for good.

*

Joe walked through the open gate to the petting zoo, and stopped just inside to look around. He hadn't been here since their breakup; had kept his distance not only from Leanne, but also from what he had come to think of as 'her domain'. Scanning the open lawn surrounded by pens and cages, he had to admit it looked good. Real good.

To start with, it was neat. Of course there were some feathers scattered around, and some dust gathered in corners. But the grass was trimmed, and the air smelled like healthy animals and fresh hay. All the wood benches got a fresh coat of paint, as did the picket fences and the wooden signs. Peeking into the small bathroom building, the floor was clean, there were stacks of toilet paper rolls in the stools, and the soap dispensers were full.

Whether she was traumatized by his actions or not, Leanne's work wasn't affected. That should have made him feel better; instead, his guts twisted even more. Gritting his teeth, he raised his head to scan around from one cage to the next looking for her, until the sudden, unmistakable sound of rake scratching on concrete floor caught his attention. He set out in that direction, a sense of doom intensifying with each step.

Apologizing wasn't pleasant. It was even harder to do when he didn't hold any respect to the person he was going to apologize to. Then again, what he did was wrong, and he had to own up to that. He sighed heavily, realizing his thoughts had slowed his walk along the narrow pavement to a snail's pace. Cursing impatiently under his breath, he picked up his strides.

Better get it over with.

He drew nearer to the rabbit cage, where she was raking, immersed in the music streaming into her ears. Joe stood just outside the wire-net door, reluctant to make his presence known. Instead, he took the opportunity to take a closer look at her for the first time in a month and a half.

Tammy was right; she did lose weight. Her cargo khakis and forest-green sweatshirt, which fit her just fine when she'd received them in the beginning of the summer, looked a size or two too large now. His gaze travelled up the bulky top that seemed to swallow her torso, until it rested on her face. Her cheekbones, once subtle, now jutted in stark contrast above her sunken cheeks.

And yet, to his utter confusion, she didn't seem sad or withdrawn at all. She was practically dancing with the music as she raked the soiled straw off the floor in energetic, efficient sweeps, piling it up before using a shovel to pick it up and dump it into a waiting bin. It reminded him of that first time he came looking for her and invited her on a hike.

The memory annoyed him, and so did the woman herself. What the hell was her story?

Pressing his lips, Joe pushed the wire door and stepped inside. The rattle of metal when it sprang closed behind him was loud enough to alert Leanne that someone had entered, and she swung around, pulling the buds out of her ears as she did. When she saw who it was, she froze.

They both stared. Joe saw hope flare momentarily in her eyes, before it was washed away with wariness, and an instinctive step back. Her hope poked at his slumbering fury; as if! blinked like red neon in his mind. Her caution, on the other hand, pushed his guilt front and center.

He pushed his hand impatiently through his hair. She said nothing. Finally, he realized he would have to break the heavy, awkward silence between them.

"Hey." He sounded every bit as uncomfortable as he felt.

"Um, hi." He could barely make her reply. She hadn't moved, still as a statue and holding that damned rake between them like a shield.

Frustrated, he blurted the thought foremost on his mind. "Are you afraid of me, Leanne?"

That clearly threw her off. Her head snapped back, confusion written across her too-thin, pale face.

"No. Do I need to be?" She frowned, and asked with a hint of alarm: "Are you - am I being fired?"

"What? No! No. Of course not."

He knew she had every reason to think he would fire her. After all, he wanted to. And yet, right now, he needed to reassure her. He repeated in a calmer voice: "No, you're not being fired. And no, you don't need to be afraid of me. I just want to talk. Could we sit down for a moment?"

She eyed him undecidedly before giving him a short nod, gesturing towards the benches lining the perimeter of the cage. Joe folded himself to sit on the too-low surface, feeling ridiculous in the uncomfortable crouching position. Leanne leaned her rake against the cage wall, and then came to sit at the other end of the bench, hugging her sharply bent knees.

At her questioning look, he cleared his throat. "Er, I - I came here to see how you were doing."

No answer. Just that same uncomfortable stare. Then again, he realized, he hadn't quite asked her a question. He huffed, striving for patience, and tried again.

"Are you okay, Leanne?"

Still, she just looked at him, chewing her bottom lip uneasily. Finally, just when he was ready to ask again, she spoke up.

"I don't understand, Joe. You broke up with me weeks ago, and the way you did it..." she grimaced. "You made your feelings crystal-clear. You haven't spoken a word to me since. And now you come over to see how I'm doing? I just - I don't get it."

She was still hugging herself, but her voice was steady and strong, and he could hear the underlying message. Don't bullshit me.

Taking a deep breath, he finally met her eyes full on, for the first time in months. Damn. That pull he felt whenever he looked at her - really looked at her - was still there in full force. Even knowing who she was, in spite of her lies and her conniving ways, it still felt like their souls were somehow connected.

Irked, he gave himself an internal shake. Snap out of it, man. Apologize, and then get the hell away from her. Swallowing hard, he made himself say the words.

"I came here to apologize."

*

It was the last thing she expected to hear from him. Not that she didn't deserve an apology - damn right she deserved one! - but knowing how Joe felt about her, she never imagined she'd get it.

Well, that wasn't exactly true, she thought ruefully. She did fantasize about him seeking her out, going down on his knees and begging her forgiveness, saying he realized how badly he wronged her, and how much he'd loved her still. But as the days stretched into weeks she had come to terms with the fact that was not going to happen.

Leanne knew the futility of arguing with reality, unfair as it may be. That lesson had been drilled into her aching heart with every turn her mother took for the worse, regardless of her best efforts and her desperate prayers. Shit happened. It happened to everyone, good and bad. And no amount of wishing ever changed that fact of life. You simply had to accept the injustice for what it was: blind, uncaring fate. And then you moved on, because, when all's said and done, there wasn't any other choice.

Which made his presence there in her little haven all the more inconceivable.

"Apologize?" She asked carefully, unwilling to hope. Hope had never failed to fail her before.

He held her gaze, and pushed the words out through his resentment.

"I hurt you, the night of the bonfire. I was out of control, and I hurt you. I am sorry."

His words seemed to echo inside her head, their syllables rippling and overlapping on top of one another until she could barely recognize them. They didn't make any sense.

"I don't get it, Joe. It's been weeks - months - and now you're here to tell me you're sorry?"

One of the fat mother rabbits had inched her way over and onto Leanne's lap, and she started stroking her soft fur absentmindedly. Joe followed the movement with his eyes, but then returned to her gaze, his guilt now too obvious to miss.

"I tried not to think about it. I mean, I knew that I -" he paused, then rushed forward. "I didn't realize quite how rough I was that night, Leanne. I didn't realize I left you - left you bruised and bleeding." His face twisted. "I don't know what to say, except I'm sorry."

Leanne stared in disbelief. "And now you suddenly felt the need to apologize?" She snorted. "Yeah, right."

Joe pursed his lips, but then admitted through them - "As it happens, Tammy brought it up."

"Tammy -" Leanne groaned, and buried her face in her hands. She thought the humiliation of that night was behind her. Apparently she was still the topic of conversation, months after the fact.

Joe cleared his throat. "She's worries about you. That's what brought that whole conversation about - she pointed out that you seemed withdrawn ever since the night of the bonfire, wouldn't join everyone for meals, keep to your room..." he looked down at his hands. "She told me you looked like you were assaulted that night, and that she thought you were traumatized. I -" he stopped, pushed his hand through his hair, and finally looked at her.

"I never meant to - to harm you like that."