Dead Mouse or Rat

The smell of a dead mouse and a dead rat is the same. The rat is bigger so the smell lingers longer as the body mortifies. The smell of dead critter was in the boat shop. Most people when entering the shop would comment on the woody smell. The reason is we heat with wood, plus the added attraction we have wood products everywhere. An industrial orange Woodmizer lumber mill rests in the side lot waiting to produce more woody products. Our customers were not commenting on the good smell of dead mouse.

I started a dead critter sniff search. The smell seemed to permeate from around the stacked canoes and kayaks, next to the area I had wedged in a two inch thick 18 inch wide red oak board I called a desk. Maybe one of those four legged nocturnal critters had climbed in a kayak and couldn't get out. Death would have been caused by the repetitious boredom of listening to me trying to sell a new boat to a customer with no money.

My jaded olfactory sensory system could not determine where the epicenter of the foul smell was coming from. I decided to seek help. I asked the associate salesmen that took his naps and day dreams about red heads with big knockers.

"Hey, Rick the Dick. Do you smell anything evil around here?"

"No, the place smells great to me. It sure is rough on my diet. Makes me hungry. Now that you mention it, sort of smells like my ex-wife, the red head with huge knockers."

Rick the Dick has a lot to say-if you are willing to listen or stupid enough to engage him in conversation. I was searching for a Rat. I continued my search as Rick the Dick started up with his mundane droning of adventures.

When I couldn't take anymore I fired up the DVD player. It is loaded to counterbalance Rick the Dick rambling verbiage. The selection process required hitting the play button. "Full Metal Jacket" resumed play. What luck, the part where the Marine DI had Private Pyle choke himself was coming up. Private Pyle earned his name by being the main screw up in the platoon. Rick the Dick and Private Pyle have the same stupid smile.

"Fucking up everything they touch makes them happy."

If the gentle reader has not heard words like this before, it's not my fault. You have not been around people like Rick the Dick or Private Pyle. I will attempt to explain why there are people like Ricky the Dickey. Ricky is lazy and average. But he doesn't think that he is average. He thinks that he is lazy and smart. His master plan is to; fuck up everything that he touches. So if you ask him to do anything that requires him moving from chair "number three" (He broke the first two) he will immediately "fuck it up." You will not ask Ricky the Slicky to work again.

I shall present the gentle reader with one sample day in the life of Rick the Dick. Rick the Dick had to carry in some car fenders. For reasons no one will ever understand he decided to place them in the maintenance area. This requires that you open the garage door. Rick the Dick is not allowed to open the garage door, because he can't figure it out. It's a simple on/off switch. Push it and if the door is closed it opens. If the door is open it closes.

When I saw Rick the Dickhead open the door. I knew a major "Fuck up" was being generated. I placed myself under the door and made every effort possible to keep Ricky-boy from killing my door.

"Ricky, do not move. Do not do anything unless I tell you." I went over and opened the door where the switch was so that I could watch Ricky dick up the door. Ricky had on his best "shit" grin.

The door cost $150 to repair. Prior to breaking the door, Rick the Rat was told to arrange the cars in the lot so that they were not all blocking each other. Our chief mechanic had been working on a Dodge Dakota that needed a radiator, fender and bumper. (Ricky Dickey had just carried them to the wrong place and broke the door.)

The chief mechanic happened to see Ricky dicking up the arrangement in the lot. Since he was taking two cars to the auction he advised Slicky /Ricky to not block them in. He also told him. "Do not touch the Dodge Dakota- the radiator is out."

Our chief mechanic is new to the job he did not know, that Rick the chief Dick was wearing his "Fuck you face."

Ricky kept smiling as he fired up the dodge. He kept smiling as all of the radiator coolent fluid pumped out of the engine block. His shit grin faced the squirt gun effect as the transmission fluid curved out his path of destruction. He completed his multiple orgasms by parking at the top of the road around the building.

Result: We pulled the truck out of the way with the tractor. Dodge products require special fluid, $54 worth. The transmission dipstick registers full but the little metal chips are a sad distraction.

I never found the dead mouse. I gave up. I bought the largest size bottle of pine oil I could find. In the Boy Scouts we used pine oil to clean outdoor latrines. I started spraying pine oil on everything that wasn't moving. This included the apples of Rick the Snitch.

Rick the Lick had decided to go on a diet. His family weekend outing was to drive to the local grain elevator and weight themselves on the grain scales. Sticky/Ricky was close to 500 pounds of human tissue. Rick the Dick wanted to become Rick the Stick. He went on the apple diet.

"Eat eight apples a day.

"Watch the fat melt away."

I was spraying everything in sight. We brought in a large ionizer, to suck in and purify the air. The dead mouse smell lingered in the boathouse.

"Must be a rat, to smell this bad this long."

"Dale, do you have any idea what smells so bad up here?"

Dale resides in the lower level of the build. The boat shop is on the second floor. Dale walked around sniffing, he didn't say too much. Later he stated that, "It's probably Ricky/Ratface."

The grin of the rat was revealed. Ricky because of his diet was radiating ketones which give the human body bad breathe and body odor. His body was being emaciated as it devoured itself in self defense against starvation, plus the added attraction he was shitting in his pants with great regularity.

My pine oil apple spraying began to work. I noticed that stinky/Ricky didn't seem to smell like a dead rat. He was developing a dead wood rat smell. It seemed like a cross between an apple orchard and a pine forest.