Dear Doctor Dan

Dear Doctor Dan,

I've messed up my life so bad I'm at a loss for what to do. I read your column weekly for fun here in where I live, and now I find myself with nowhere to turn. I'm so upset I hope I express myself well enough for you understand the situation I've put myself in.

I am a 27 y/o white female that up a few weeks ago was engaged to a wonderful man, Brian, who I've known for more than five years. We started off dating, and about a year later we moved in together. During that time we were devoted to each other. We did everything together, and Brian became my best friend and lover. Last December (2016) the man I want to be my life partner asked me to marry him.

My parents took him in as a member of the family as his with me. Both sides of the family were excited with the news of our engagement. Also, both sides of the family while not rich are well to do. Everything was a perfect as could be. His Mother and Father treated me like a daughter. We got along well with each other's siblings. The date for the wedding was for Oct. 2017. So much was going on and I was happier than I had been in my life. I felt I truly found my soul and life mate.

About three weeks ago I was out with my girlfriends (who came with other girlfriends I didn't know) on a Friday night. I had plans to meet up later with Brian. We girls were drinking and dancing together when a friend from work, Jason (a Black guy) came in with some of the others. Everything was going so well in my life, and I was just getting letting loose. Jason asked me to dance, and since I was still waiting for my boyfriend, I thought why not?

The next song was a slow one, so we danced that one together. He was acting like a guy and putting his hands on me, leaning in, talking in my ear so we could hear each other. A couple of my girlfriends "friends" were taking pictures and taking video with their phones without my knowledge and posting them on Facebook in real time. Like, hey look, it's Friday night, we're all partying and having a good time. That's it. Well, neither the pictures nor the video represents the reality of what was going on. One of the girls was taking these pictures of my Jason and I while we were dancing. She framed them with the hearts and cupids shooting love arrows around the pictures.

Facebook has this Instant Message thing now everyone is using. When you post pictures to your page, it sends in real time what you're doing to your friends. And you know Facebook. After the only dance with the Jason, I went back to my friends, and we continued to party. We were all having such a good time that I didn't notice the time. When I finally did, it was late, and Brian had never shown up.

That had never happened before. So I called him because I was worried about him. I called and texted him every few minutes. I didn't feel right at all. Brian was always looking out for me and attentive. Not returning my text or calls was completely out of character for him. I finally took a taxi to our place, and when I got there, I found him packing his clothes. I asked him what happened. He just looked at me with such hurt and disgust. Honestly, I didn't have a clue what was going on.

He refused to talk to me and just kept packing things. It was well after 1:00 in the morning. I was still feeling the effects of the alcohol and became crazy because he wouldn't speak to me. When he finally did, the only thing he said was, "I don't think we are right for each other." He just completely shut down. And that made me really crazy.

He kept loading his car with his stuff until about 2:30 or 3:00. I was losing it and screaming at him to stop. Towards the end, I flipped out and was pulling things out of his car. It was early in the morning, and I was making so much noise, one of the neighbors called the police. Four police cars showed up. They split us up to ask what was going on. Now I was a complete mess, and the police thought it was a domestic thing and kept asking me if he had "assaulted" me. They had him up against the car questioning him. It was like they were eager to arrest him. I couldn't hear what was said because I am crying now more than before.

Brian had no choice but say something to police. That's when I saw him pulled out his phone and was showing it to the police. They looked at the phone and then at me, back at the phone then at me again. They called one of the two police officers with me (she was a woman), and she started looking at the phone then back at me. The police were speaking among themselves, and then the woman police person came back and asked again if I'd been assaulted. I kept telling her no, no, no. He didn't do anything!

Then I ask her what he was showing them on his phone. She said he saw some pictures of me clearly on Facebook he didn't like and that was why he was leaving. When I ask what it was he showed them, she just said some pictures from a party I was at tonight and then said maybe if we spent the night away from each other things would look better in the morning.

I called over to him, but he wouldn't even look my way. The police officer said to leave it alone tonight, and she walked me back to our apartment, gave me her card and told me to call her tomorrow if I wanted. I found myself alone. I kept phoning and texting him to find out what was on his phone. At that point, I still had no idea what was happening.

The next day I spent every 5 minutes texting and phoning him with no response. I called my mother and sister and told them Brian had left. My mother likes Brian a lot. My father even more. She asked me what happened; I told her I didn't know. She said something like, "He didn't leave you for nothing. What did you do?" This was my mother. Honestly, I didn't know.

It wasn't until early Saturday afternoon I found out what happened from a girlfriend who came by. She showed me the pictures and video posted on Facebook with me dancing with Jason. The way the pictures were presented looked horrible. They were out of context, and the video was even worse. They had been posted and reposted by everyone with stupid comments like, "I thought she was engaged to get married," the worst was, "Once you go black you never go back. Lol!" and "Wow, I didn't know she broke up with Brian. Well as long as she's happy" even "and they lived happily ever after."

Everyone who wasn't there came to the same conclusion. When I went to Moms and Dads, I tried to explain things. Everything went well until I showed them the stuff on Facebook. My father said, "That doesn't look very flattering." and got up and walked away. My mother was sad now and said, "You silly girl. What have you done to yourself?"

Now even my parents had doubts. It wasn't just the pictures; it was the way they were presented. It was those stupid effects with the hearts and cupids shooting love arrows on the borders. It created an image of 2 people in love when nothing like that existed. I called Brian's Mother, and she said Brian had come over late last night and asked to stay with them.

Brian didn't talk about it. He just said we were not right for each other. So, they had no clue what going on between us. Brian's Father liked me and always went out his way to make me feel comfortable in their home when I was there. She told me Brian's Dad got upset with him and told him to man up and find a solution because he wouldn't find another girl like me, but that just made him leave their house.

When she asked me, what was going on, I didn't have it in me to tell her. Judging my parent's reaction, I was afraid to say something even though I have a really good relationship with his mom. I didn't want her to see those pictures. Now I realize that was a mistake. It made it look like I had something to hide.

I didn't see or hear from Brian for the rest of the weekend. Monday morning in the break room everyone was having a good laugh as people opened their phones to share pictures from Friday night. I saw Jason with others who were there (and some who were not) and when he saw me called me over to have shown me the pictures and video from Friday night. I completely broke down in front of everyone (who all knew I was supposed to get married soon) and told them how the pictures ruined everything.

My friends became distressed and tried to apologize. For what? I said. Then someone suggested they (the group that was out Friday night) should call Brian and explain everything and how nothing happened. I thought that was a good idea and when lunch came, we used someone else's phone besides mine to call. When Brian picked up, a girlfriend spoke and tried to explain she was there with a large group of friends when they saw me and came over. That we all worked together, everyone knew I was engaged to be married, the guy in the pictures is just a friend who had one dance with me, and the pictures were out of context as was the video.

Honestly, the video was the worst, at the time it seems like we were just dancing (I had a few drinks by then) but after I had seen it, I hated myself for dancing with Jason. My friend stopped to hear Brian's reply. When she looked at me, she wasn't smiling. Then she said, "Ok," and hung up. Everyone asked, "What did he say?"

She said, "He sounds tired but said, I appreciate your call, but this is a private matter. Tell her I am not interested in seeing her anymore and will not be contacting her again. The pictures and the video speak for themselves. They make a cute couple don't you think? The guy she was dancing with can keep her. Tell her, honestly to enjoy the rest her life, but stay as far the fuck away from me as possible. And then he hung up."

I heard all the words, but they didn't make any sense. I think the whole group was in shock with what was said. Everyone looked at Jason, but he was a confused as anyone else. I think it hit everyone then the seriousness of the situation. It was all so innocent. Everyone kept trying to reassure me this was just a misunderstanding the Brian would eventually see. Someone contacted the girls who posted the pictures on Facebook and explained what happened. They said they were sorry and took down the pictures and video with the explanation it was all a joke in fun. Then someone suggested if we could find a place where Brian would be after work, they could then explain everything as a group. I was lost, so I said ok.

I called a girlfriend who dated a friend of Brian's, Todd. Before I could start, she was all over me asking what was happening between Brian and me. I tried to explain to her Brian, and I had a misunderstanding. Todd had told her that morning from his cell he had seen Brian looking like crap that day and when he asked, Brian told him the wedding was off, he had nothing else to say and to drop it. She later found the stuff on Facebook and then called him to check it out. She told me Todd became upset, (I guess for Brian) called me a disgusting piece of trash and that if she felt anything for him to walk away from their relationship before she fucked around with some other guy.

Now she was upset with me. (Another mistake I made should have h just come out with it all instead of calling it a "misunderstanding'') Then she said WTF was I doing with that "black" guy on Friday night? (This is a good friend of mine talking) How could I do that to Brian?" I kept saying it was "just a misunderstanding" until I finally said couldn't take it anymore and told her I would call her later.

I told everyone I would go to the pub Brian and I visited hoping to catch him there. I didn't have a better idea. My friends from work decided I needed support and decided to come too. We were already there when Brian walked in with some friends (Todd included) I recognized. We were all sitting at a large table, and I was sort of in the rear so Brian couldn't see me if he walked in. I wanted to go up and talk to Brian, but then someone suggested to let them talk as a group to him first. You know, to make him understand was all a mistake. Jason got up to join them too, but someone suggested he should stay with me to stay at the table figuring Brian might flip out. All of this seemed to make sense at the time. Jason and I sat there as our friends walked over to Brian.

Picture this. Brian is sitting with his friends waiting for their beers. My friends (8 or so men and women) walk up to his table. They start talking. I can't hear anything they are saying. Brian is listening to their story. Several people take turns explaining things. Then Brian gets this look. I know that look. Brian is starting to get angry but is controlling himself. Then he held up a hand for them to stop. I guess he asked if I was in the pub and they all pointed at the booth I was in. Brian looked my direction, saw Jason and me sitting together, Brian just looked around the table at his friends and shook his head. He looked back at Jason and me, said something to his friends, stood up threw some money on the table and left. I got up to follow Brian out, but Jason put his hand on mine and told me to wait.

Brian's friends (these guys I knew) had so much disgust in the faces when they looked at our table. When my friends came back, Jason still had his hand on top of mine. One person looked at me like I was crazy. "What are you doing? We're trying to help, and you two are holding hands?" Now everyone was looking at our hands. "Why would you two do that?"

We both looked at each other a moment and then realized how it looked. I pull my hand away like I had a snake on it. My friend sitting with me jumped at my reaction and started to say something. Then I freaked out. I told him never to touch me again and never speak to me again. I left the table to catch up with Brian. By the time I got outside, he was gone. That was the last time I saw him. I am so messed up I cannot function. I don't want to do anything anymore. I can't figure out how to fix this.

I miss him so much every day. I want children with Brian and make a nice home for him. Now he won't even talk to me. He is a good man. I know he misses me. We were together for years. Then in one night, it was all over. I feel as though my life is over. His parents have called mine, but mine don't know what to say. My mom said she liked Brian and was sorry he broke the engagement and wedding, but she could understand. That was my mother! My dad won't discuss the subject with me. Anything else, fine. But regarding Brian and me, he says, "I wish I could help you but I can't. That's water under the bridge sweetheart. Try to learn something out of this. " When he said that I flipped out on him because they both had already given up. When I asked what I suppose to learn from this "bullshit" (by the look on his face I knew that was a mistake), he said, "When a man puts a ring on your finger he expects a mutual commitment." I told him I was committed to Brian. He stood up and with restraint replied, "Then why did you allow that black man to dance with you like that???!" That is coming from my father, who I love so much, was like a slap in the face. We haven't been in good turns since.

I knew my Dad and was holding his anger in check but just barely. Then it came to me; it wasn't just because it was another man, it was a "black" man. I didn't get it, but now I do. Is Brian racist? Are my mother and father racist? One dance? It seemed so harmless at the time. I was so happy that night with the thought gets married. This was three weeks ago, and nothing has changed.

The worst was last Saturday I was at the mall and bumped into an old friend. She said she'd heard in the rumor mill I broke up with Brian and I had a new boyfriend. I broke down right then. When I was calm enough to finally explain the whole story, she just looked in another direction, and all she said was, "That's quite a story." I asked her if she had any ideas. She said something I never heard before. I've heard the expression, "Once you go black you never go back." She said my problem wasn't simple, "Have you ever heard the expression, 'Once you go black, they don't want you back.' That's the problem you're facing. Unless you can get Brian to believe nothing happened that night, you don't stand a very good chance of getting back together with him."

This kind of thing never occurred to me. I kept a copy of the pictures and video from that Friday. They don't look good, but with all those stupid hearts and cupid's shooting cartoon heart arrows on the border of the pictures, they are just terrible. I have tried to see them thru his eyes. How would I feel if I saw him dancing with another woman? His hands in places they shouldn't be for someone engaged to be married. A woman of another race. I couldn't take it. Would that make me a racist? I would feel that he was comparing me to her. I pray he doesn't feel that way. I love him so much, but now all the plans we made are like they never existed. No wedding, no honeymoon, no making a home together, no children, no future. I don't want another man; I want Brian. How can I fix this if he won't talk to me? I'm so angry about this, but when I view those pictures, I get it.

We have mutual friends and for years were always invited as a couple to parties and events. We used to entertain at our place as a couple. I called and ask them how he is doing and what does he say about us. They say he looks ok but just says, "Sometimes things don't work out as you'd like. She's a nice person and deserves the best man. Obviously, I wasn't the best man. But I'm fine. Maybe next time..."

When I heard that it sounded like he was blaming himself for what happened. I've never heard anything bad about me coming from him. Friends have told me he has said things like, "I'm not sure what I did, but it wasn't enough." That hurts me so much and is untrue; Brian was always good to me. Why does it sound like he's blaming himself? Is that what he thinks? That he isn't was good enough for me? That would be so wrong on so many levels. How can I tell him how he is everything I ever wanted if he won't talk to me?

I believe the comments on Facebook hurt him the worst. Some of them were over the top. The girl who posted the comment, "Once you go black you never go back" with those stupid cupid arrows and hearts and the "lol" stuff. I hate that bitch. His friends posted stuff just as bad, "Looks like your girlfriend finally found someone who satisfies her." And "No offense bro, but if I found a picture of the girl I asked to marry me with another man's hands on her ass I would dump her, but that's just me."

I can't imagine what he thought when he read those. Now I hear from friends that he's talking about moving away. Away from a very public situation (getting married and then calling it off). And away from me. If he does that it will break me completely.

Dan, that's all. I needed someone to share with, so thanks for letting me vent. I'm lost at what to do. I'm not even sure you'll get this, or it makes any sense. I'm not even sure why I'm writing you. It came to me while reading your column at work. I'm writing this work now. I don't care. There's no sex involved. There is no need to reply. You can't help with this, but that's ok. Nothing matters now. I hate the apartment we shared together, and I'm moving back home to Mom and Dad soon. My relationship with them is not as good as it should be. They were so happy with Brian. I made a mistake showing the stuff on Facebook to them. I know they think the worst of me and I just keep making things worst.

I don't want to go out. I keep hoping Brian will contact me, but he hasn't. What happened to my Brian? He's shut himself off to me completely. Five Goddamn years together and he won't talk to me. This is not the Brian I knew. He is someone different.

I'm not a whore. I never fucked around on Brian. Ever! Maybe I was lying to myself about dancing with Jason. Why didn't I pull away from him during that slow dance? Did I need to lean on him so much so we could hear each other talk? I had been drinking a lot that night, so I can't be sure I remember his hand on my bum, or maybe I don't want to remember. Anyway, the pictures proved otherwise. It doesn't matter now anyway. I hate what I did to my life. I'm just going to ramble if I continue. This is my side of the story anyway.