Deviants Pt. 02

"Just stop." I said.

"What are we talking about?" asked Natalie.

"It wasn't Tommy, don't worry. I mean, she wants Tommy but that's not who it was. What three years ago?" Naomi's best defense was a strong offense. I had brought this on myself.

"Stop." I knew I was turning red.

"I was there. He was my date. It was your idea. I was cool with it. Eddie was fucking down. I don't know why you are all flipping out about it." She said.

"I'm gone." I said plainly. I stood and left the restaurant. I didn't need to keep the family together. I wanted to, but its not like the world would stop spinning if we didn't all have Saturday night dinner.

Maybe it was time to end Saturday night dinner anyway. Maybe it was better if Naomi wasn't there with her fucking pot smoking stoner boyfriends. I needed to get back to the branch. Friday afternoon was upon us. Four tellers. Four hours. Over 600 transactions total. We would clear through 120 grand in cash before we locked the doors. The tellers would miss a bill here or there. It would take a while to balance up.

Naomi

Six

"Tell me." she said. She was giving me the eye. She had the devil in her. I loved G-nat. Get it, like gnat, the bug? Short for Natalie? I call her G-nat.

"No. She'd kill me." I protested

"You can't keep a secret."

"Sure I can. It's been like three years."

"That's pretty good, actually." Nat gave me credit.

"Thank you!" I really was quite pleased with myself.

"Do you have any money?"

"No."

"How are you paying for lunch?"

"I didn't eat anything."

"The booze ain't free either." She teased me.

"So." I said.

"You want another?"

"Sure."

"Then tell." She was a slippery one, my Natalie. She had the devil in her, Oma had always said. I think she was right.

"Fine... Get me my drink."

The waiter brought me a tall one. I was in trouble. Natalie had another wine. She was getting all classy lately. I forgave her for switching to wine and wearing fancy jewelry because she had also given up wearing bras. She gave us some bullshit about it fighting boob cancer.

"So it was like three years ago." I started. "Ben was just a baby. I was with Evan. Do you remember Evan? He was a crappy boyfriend but was a good dealer. We always had good shit." I was whispering. She was nodding along.

"So Mom was still coming to dinner, right. And we were all at Nicki's. You know how she and mom always got into it? Well, they got into it. You were all, I gotta go home because Ben was like crying and shit so you went ahead and took off and you took mom with you. Eddie, you know how he is, he is trying to be all sweet and talk her down and she was actually trying because she was still nice to him back then. You have to remember that night! I think, it actually was that night. I think she never forgave him or some shit."

"What happened?" she was really -- really wanting to know. She was all leaning forward and I think the dudes behind us were watching because her tits were totally hanging out when she leaned forward like that.

"So okay, so Evan, he like had a joint on him because he always did and he is like, 'This is going to chill you right out.' Have you ever heard Eddie explain Nicole when she drinks? He has it down. One she is normal, two she gets loud, three she starts swearing, four she is inappropriate, five she is out."

"God, I think that's dead on," She agreed.

"I know, right! We should get T-shirts made. Yeah, so, anyway, It was on three that she and mom got into it. Eddie, he got her a fourth. I don't remember, I think we were drinking marg's because you couldn't drink anyway so we could drink marg's because we only don't drink them because you don't drink 'em."

"Back to the story." She reminded me. I guess I was wandering a little. I was on my fourth Jack so give me a break.

"So she is drinking her fourth and we are passing around the joint and she doesn't even pause. I mean, we all just kind of thought she probably did stuff in college she never talked about but she just snatched it up and toked away. She started mooching smokes too. Eddie was just all chilled out. I swear - that guy. She says he's like some dirty perv but I like him. You should be with Eddie. You are kind of a perv too you know."

"The story, Naomi."

"Yeah, so out of fucking no where Nicki is like, 'Lets fuck.' I was all like, 'What the fuck?' and she is like, 'Seriously, lets go upstairs. I wanna fuck. Like serious hard fuck. You wanna fuck me?' she asks Evan. What's he gonna say? Some chick wants to fuck he is gonna fuck. I was like, if you weren't my sister you know, sure, but I can't be like eating out my sister!"

"Naomi!"

"I know! I mean. If I had to, I would chose you over Nicky, but still, I'm not gonna eat out my sister."

"Stop!" I guess I was taking that a little far, but it's a pretty crazy story, right?

"You've never had a girl? Seriously? You're the artist!" I could believe it but I couldn't believe it. You know what I mean?

"Naomi. The story!" she was getting a little mad at me, I think.

"Now I totally want to!" the dudes behind us were quiet, I thought they were gone but G-nat gave me a look that suggested I was being too loud so I had to check over my shoulder and they were there. You know they were listening. Good for them.

"Gnome!"

"Fine. So yeah, so Evan, he is like sure, and he is looking over at Eddie and Eddie is just like, knock yourself out and next think you know she in on her knees sucking old Evan off right there on the patio."

"Our Nicki?!"

"You becha!" I went to school in St Paul. Give me a break. "So she sucks him off. I am all like, 'I can't even be watching this shit!' and she is like, 'Go ahead. Go get with Eddie.' and I like thought about it but I was like, naw, because I know she is gonna be one way that night and like all different the next morning so I am like 'No, why don't you just go have a threesome.' Because seriously, threesomes are awesome. She is like, 'Eddie, you coming?' and they are all off in the bedroom. I was like outside, but you can totally hear the bedroom on their patio when the window is open, you know how we can hear them fight? So, I was on the patio and totally listening but then that got gross so I went inside but then I couldn't hear and I wanted to smoke anyway so I went back out and just kinda hung out until they were like done."

"You are fucking shitting me." Nat said.

"I shit you not. They were in there like two hours. I fell asleep on the hammock. Remember the old hammock?"

"She never forgave him because he said okay when she asked for a threesome?"

"Think about it. I mean, maybe it was something else but I am pretty fucking sure that was is. She went back to work. They stopped going on their anniversary trip like they always used to go on, remember how he took her to France and Jamaica and shit."

"That bitch." She muttered. You can tell me I'm wrong but I'm not. I've had to watch them for years. I knew G-nat had a thing for Eddie all along. Who knows? People are weird.

"People say money is the root of all evil and shit but that's not it at all." I get all philosophical some times. Especially when I drink Jack. "It's prudence. We had a class in it. It's always been that way. I mean, Greece, Rome, they ran the world for thousands of years because they were like, you be you, fuck who you want. Things just got shitty when we all got up-tight about it. I'm not getting married. Ever." Seriously. I wanna get knocked up. I am so seriously jealous when I think about the niece and nephews. It's totally worth going to Saturday dinner just to hang out with them but I am not getting married. Brendan is starting to get pissy about it. I should take him to Saturday dinners just so he can see how fucked up marriage is.

"We are one fucked up family, Gnome." That's what she calls me. When we were little we gave Nicole a G to. Gicky, like icky? It was pretty funny when I was eight.

"We are just horny." I explained my take on the whole thing. Mom and dad were horndogs too. Next time you go over there ask her about Sangria?"

"What's Sangria?" she asked me,

"Sangria? The drink... Its like fruit punch."

"What's that got to do with mom?"

"That's what Swingers drank in the seventies. She'll tell you all about it. She's losing it. I think she is whoring it up at the home."

"Naomi. Gross! Too much."

"I know!" My drink was empty. "Are we getting another or do I need to call Brendan to get me."

"I didn't get my shopping done." She said, scowling at her watch. "We can get another. Eddie can give you a ride home."

"Oh cool." I said. My brain was a little slow. "Wait? Eddie!"

"Don't you say a fucking word!"

"Good for you G-nat." I was so fucking proud of her right then I actually wished I had the money to pick up lunch. "Good for you."

I had to give her a minute. I had to know. I had to ask. It was killing me but she was getting more drinks. When the waiter left I had to ask. "Is he really the sick bastard she says?"

She just looked at me. Her smile twisted like the Grinch when he came up with his plan. "You have no idea." She said.

I fucking love Nat!