Diary Confessions Pt. 03

Making love with Beñat during the three weeks I knew him on that summers' vacation was to become a new sexperience. He was to show me near enough everything there was in those pornographic movies. I thought I was falling in love with him, but I began to realise it was just infatuation. With Robert who took away my virginity, I still had feelings for, but to show my love for him was obviously forbidden. With Beñat it was different. I realised that Beñat was a womaniser and I was not the only girl that gave him pleasure. In fact, Beñat was using me, and I let him like many others. And it was not only females. Had my sister been in his company before me like he had claimed? Even today, I could never bring myself to ask and know the truth. The more we got to know each other, the more hostile sex was to become.

Oral sex on me was always heavenly. However, oral sex on him became rough and no longer polite. He would force himself upon me, making me swallow his cock deep into my throat whilst tugging painfully upon my hair. He would never tell me that he was cumming and almost choked me on his vast quantities of spunk. The taste was not what I had expected, and I found it unpleasant until I had gotten used to it later on with other men. And because he was big and muscular, he would take me instantly in any position he wanted so roughly. I had lost all control I insisted on having. "If I want you to be my slut, you will be." He told me in Spanish, pointing a hefty finger at me. I understood. Those words hurt me, but I went back for more. I had lost not only control but sexual dignity with Beñat. At least he had become some kind of lover, or so I thought. His words were not the only thing that hurt me. He tried many times to fuck me anally, but I was too small. I would scream every time he tried to enter me until he gave up. I thought perhaps one day I would enjoy the pleasures of anal intercourse. It seemed that I was wrong. Nature did not bless me with an anus fit enough even for the smallest of cocks. At least I had my vagina and clitoris for intercourse sex.

I will always remember when I was sat in a wicker armchair naked. He only wore jeans and stood behind me. Pushing my hair to one side, his lips began to caress my neck with his tongue, licking the most sensitive spot. I was totally captivated and he could do anything to me. He began to whisper romantic words into in my ear in Spanish. I couldn't understand him, but it did not matter. His hands moved down to my breasts and he gently squeezed, pulling and twisting my nipples. It felt so good; I was already beginning to have an orgasm and moaning softly, urging him on. He moved to the front of me kneeling and then began to finger my clit, making me shudder with my climax. Not once but twice, until I was soaking wet and my cream was beginning to ooze from between my open lips. I was heady on the multiple orgasms and all I could do was look down and watch, whilst each of my legs was over the arms of the chair, keeping me wide open. He began to push his fingers deep into me, three, then four and eventually his thumb. It began to hurt as I watched him fist me. It felt like I was being fucked by a baseball bat. It was a mixture of both pain and pleasure as I began to scream out. Not even my friend and lover, Jules had been able to fist me. Beñat tried to take me to my limits.

My family thought I was staying with friends on the other side of the island. If they knew what I was really doing I would have been grounded for weeks not days. Beñat had me as his 'willing prisoner' for want of a better description, and I went along with it because I was naïve. I had fun clubbing and even dodging my sister, Alex, but Beñat would always be there at night to collect me and take me to his apartment. Quite often a lad who was a little older than me, Isaac would be his guest for the night. I liked Isaac quite a lot because of his brilliant sense of humour and he could speak fluent English. Isaac however was gay and I discovered that Beñat was bisexual and both girls and lads satisfied his sexual needs.

Whenever Isaac was a guest I was made to watch them both have sex. I had seen gay sex in those pornographic movies, but now I had seen it for real, Beñat giving Isaac anal sex and them both getting involved in oral sex without me being invited to join in. Not that I wanted to. I found it repulsive and I felt sorry for Isaac, yet he confessed to enjoy it. "I have known Beñat for a long time." He told me. "Like you, he picked me up at the beach bar and right away we both fell in love. I don't mind sharing him with others." I put my hand in his as we watched the sunset near the nightclub where Beñat also had many other female lovers, discussing their relationship. No, not 'lovers' but sexual playthings was a better description. I could have had lesbian sex with at least a dozen other girls arranged by Beñat at his pleasure, but I didn't. I gave up just in time to return home to the UK.

The final year at school had begun after that holiday. Jules was recovering from her cannabis addiction and wanting to self harm. And the three week long sexperience with Beñat on Ibiza was causing my mother stress, thanks to my sister giving her concerns to my exact whereabouts. She was convinced I was not with friends. Thank heavens she never got to know the truth. It was only natural that I was partying somewhere. Yet mothers have that instinct to know things, especially about their daughter's curiosity concerning sex. "If you are having sex my girl, I will always find out." Mother told me.

My private music and dance lessons continued. My mother thought that it would appease my hyperactivity and I had learned to love them as the years went by. I became deeply interested in the piano and clarinet, but I would never have the confidence to play in public. I could never get the hang of reading music and soon learned to play by ear. The dance lessons helped me find my way to Latin and improvised ballet as well as keeping me fit and strong. I started to write and keep my diaries and found literature exciting to both read and write. Because I only slept a few hours a day, I was able to adapt to those longer hours which others wasted on sleeping. I occupied myself more and more in the gifted arts that I began to thrive in. I also masturbated, learning to edge myself more before the final climax. But I had to be careful about the amount of noise I was making. Biting my pillow was something I did quite often to silence my screams and moans.

The summer that year had lasted longer and the weather was good running into autumn. There were humid days that made you feel sweaty. There was one day that I rushed home from evening dance class just eager to clean myself. I went straight into the house and upstairs to the bathroom. I stripped naked and washed myself at the sink rather than take a shower. Suddenly I heard the bathroom door slam shut behind me and it made me jump and look around quickly. Jules, my love, was there. Alex had let her into the house to wait for me. As always I was struck by her beauty. Her hair now its natural curly red, those green eyes and a face mottled with freckles that I adored so much. "Welcome home." She said with a cheeky grin. "I think your sister is beginning to trust me, leaving me here in the house to wait for you, alone." I wiped myself with the towel and moved towards her smiling. Her fingers played on my nipples, pulling them gently. "Fuck, we were made for each other wasn't we? I really do hate that Spanish cunt Beñat and what he did to you."

"Don't use that word, I hate it." I told her as we began to kiss lightly with the peck of our lips and the gentle sucking of each others tongues teasingly. It felt so good to feel her closeness and to smell her. Even better if she was naked too. She was slowly giving me an orgasm, fingering me as we kissed and I wanted to reciprocate, but she was still fully clothed. We had not seen each other in ages and we were both desperate for each other. I opened my eyes after that kiss and deep fingering to see her sucking my juices from her fingers. It made me feel all the more horny.

In the privacy of my bedroom, I had Jules all to myself. She wore only the grey pleated skirt around her waist while I opened her gorgeous pink wet lips with my thumbs. Her aroma, apart from my own, was something I had missed. With my tongue delving, licking and tasting, my lips also teasing her swollen clit, my face was full of her sticky wet nectar, and my nose was buried into those curly red pubes, bringing her close to her climax as I looked up at her moaning in ecstasy. I wanted her to ride her orgasm and I was determined to teach her. Her body began to quiver and I stopped. "Fuck, don't stop. Don't stop! Why have you stopped, I'm fucking cumming!" she cried out. I knew exactly what she was feeling. She was at that point between massive body tingling and reaching the peak, the climax, when the surge of tingles takes over and every nerve in your body is like an 'electrical spasm'. This was something we were used to. The climax. All over in seconds, but now there was a way to hold back that quick climax a little longer. Something I taught myself to do during masturbation and even sex. Her body continued to quiver and shake and I explained to her that the orgasm would go away for a while and then I would bring it back many times. She laughed out, kicking. "But I want to cum!" she shouted. "Why did you stop me?" She leaned up on her elbows and looked at me. "Now it's gone" She grabbed my hair and pulled. "You've never done it that way before."

"Didn't you feel the difference? The way it felt not to cum so quickly?" I asked. She let go of my hair and sat up with me locked between her thighs. "You can make your orgasm last longer by interrupting it." She leaned forwards and held my head in her hands, kissing my forehead. She explained that she wanted to come quickly because it felt so good and always felt good that way. It seemed that she was not ready yet to learn something I had discovered, which later in life we were to realise was riding or edging an orgasm. This was something that those pornographic movies we watched did not explain. It was something I used with Beñat when he came and wanted to come again, whilst he pounded his cock into me so wildly, I could ride my orgasms and enjoy the sex. It was exactly the same with Robert the night I lost my virginity, only it was more gentle and romantic and he would let me ride him. I pushed her back into a lying position and continued to give her cunnilingus, this time using my finger deep inside of her, pressing against that part which was the g-spot whilst I suckled upon her clit. Very soon she reached her climax and sprayed me with her warm welcoming ejaculate of love juice. It seemed that learning to 'edge' was something she had to teach herself through masturbation like I did.

The relationship that Jules and I had, was supposed to be our secret, but our closeness was beginning to show and our party of school friends began to notice. "Are you two gay?" One friend asked. Jules and I looked at each other. We never ever associated 'gay' as being two female lovers. Surely we had to be just lesbians? At that moment we admitted our sins and for the first time we were told by someone outside of our relationship that it wasn't wrong to be that way, but we still felt safe by hiding the truth from those who didn't ask. We trusted our best friend, Pineapple even more and discovered that she was bi-sexual herself in her feelings. We discovered that both Jules and I felt exactly the same. The term "universal lovers" entered our list of characteristic labels, and it is a term I still often use today rather than saying; "I am bi!"

Jules and I invented a game in which we would put our fingers deep into our own wet yOni's and then watch other girls we fancied, sniffing the aroma on our fingers to help our imagination as to what those girls' gussets would smell and taste like. We would see many girls naked in the showers after gym. Some were quite attractive and we would not pass the opportunity to have sex with them if it was so easy. Jules and I made a pact that if we wanted to we could have sex with another girl, but not fall in love. We were both endeavouring to expand our sexperience of lesbian sex. However, it didn't work. Jules was the only girl I wanted and vice versa. We enjoyed each other physically, but when it came to other girls it was 'sniff don't touch'. We even imagined sex with older women such as our teachers and even worst still, who put us off, Miss Hinny, our head who was incontinent and had the obnoxious aroma of stale pee on most occasions.

I was still very cautious about lads and treaded very carefully. I learnt to flirt and dated them, building more of a list of short relationships that came and went, only this time I indulged in oral sex, bringing them to their climax and even swallowing their spunk. I became accustomed to the various tastes of man cum. Then I realised, even though I didn't have intercourse with most of them, that I was beginning to get myself a reputation. The rumours came back to me and Jules that I was an 'amazing fuck', yet all I mostly did was offer them hand relief and fellatio as part of my safe sex regime. There was one lad I did go 'all the way with' using a condom and I realised that he too had a reputation for conquering as many 'lovers' as possible. It only lasted a few weeks before I found out that he had made one of his conquests pregnant. Safe sex worked for me thank heavens. But, I wanted the older mature men, older than Robert and Beñat.

Jules' relationship with the dirty old man that abused her for years was over. He was still active, doing the same things; drug dealing and abusing girls and even boys. "We should have him arrested and prosecuted." I told her, but she would rather forget him. What was in her sordid past should stay there she told me. At least he made her aware of sex which she admitted to enjoying. It had become part of her upbringing, being abused so easily by the men she knew if not sexually then physically. I felt that I was 'catching up' to her level of sexual awareness, especially at a party we both attended, where I watched her with two lads, giving head to one and being given cunnilingus by another. As I watched, I was approached myself by two gorgeous lads. One of them wore protection, lifted my skirt and slipped down my panties to enter me from behind as the other offered me his hard cock to suck, and when he came I swallowed his warm thick spunk. That party was the closest we had both come to being in an orgy.

When the winter came that year, Jules and I decided to keep the sex between ourselves and nobody else. I agreed, and then I let her down. My need for a mature man was growing inside of me like a hunger. The very thoughts would fuel my imagination during masturbation. Seducing an older man. If I could do it and I could, then why not again? I had my sights on Peter a handsome mature man at least three times my age, who owned the fuel and grocery store. Every time I went to his establishment for sweets and groceries, I would flirt with him more and more each time I went there. Like Robert, I was offering them something they could only imagine having. The pretty little nubile girl, and it would all be secret.

"Hang on while I shut up the shop and station." He told me one evening when he had closed. I was his last customer that day. I had already removed my panties to make things easier before he locked the door and pulled down the shutters. He lifted me onto the counter where he began to remove my jumper and t-shirt. His hands grasped my breasts gently, whilst I unfastened my bra. "You're a sweet little monkey aren't you?" He said, kissing and suckling on my nipples. I smiled and moved in slowly for our slow passionate kiss that fuelled both of our emotions. "Let's have you, you teasing little tyke." He said, as he laid me back onto the counter surface and raised my skirt to my waist. He could see what only his imagination had given him until then. He kissed my thighs, and it felt like heaven. Better still when his tongue began to tease my whole yOni, lapping up my juices from my open wet lips and his nose buried into my scented scanty pubic hair. But I wanted to see him, his cock so hard and ready to fuck me. He unzipped and unbelted his pants quickly, and there it was, standing proud just for me before he put on protection and fucked me hard. He was desperate. His wife no longer satisfying his sexual needs. It didn't take long for him to cum the first time and he stared at me, still hard inside. "Suck my cock." He demanded. The way he said it made me a little scared. He pulled out and removed the condom full of his spunk. I got down on my knees and obliged as he poured the contents of his condom over my nose, running onto my lips. As I gave him fellatio I noticed that his cock looked and felt the same as that belonging to a younger man, which made me even more curious from then on.

"You fucked with a man as old as your father? Why did you do it?" Jules asked. It was very difficult to lie to her; to someone you loved so much. "Please tell me he used a condom?" she asked. I confessed to everything. Even though she was angry we still could not fight if either of us wanted to. She was forgiving and told me that she understood what I had done. I promised not to do anything like that again. "I think I am a true lesbian." She told me. No, it wasn't true, she wasn't, and she was just confused and needed some male attention. "I only want you." She said, as we looked each other in the eyes. "Every time I think about sex and even masturbate, I can only think of you my love." Her love for me was stronger than mine was for her, or so I thought at the time. But as time went on we both discovered that people shown love for each other in many different ways. "Please tell me you won't see him again?" She asked. I told her that it was a secret and just the once. She was the only other trusted person that I had told.

Christmas that year was over. My brother had joined the Royal Marines and my sister, four months pregnant, had moved from home with her partner. Now I had my mother all to myself at last. We could communicate better, and even my father, separated from my mother since I was eleven, kept in touch more often. Both became interested in my future and it was time to choose the subjects I wanted to concentrate in at school. The exams were only a matter of months away. I was already playing piano and learning the clarinet. I decided that my main subjects would be music and English literature. The dance lessons were purely for pleasure. My mother agreed entirely on my choices, and being a bit of a musician herself she was very pleased. I could already play smooth jazz piano by ear. And mother built up a deep relationship with Jules, who became like another daughter, so much so she invited her to join us at the villa on Ibiza the coming summer. I became so excited at the idea.

"I want to talk to you about something." My mother said. "Are you sexually active with someone? I am just curious. When I was your age before I went to university I had a boyfriend. We loved each other, or so it seemed. But it was just infatuation. Yes, before you ask we had sex and it was foolish unprotected sex. I could have become pregnant and caught STD's but I was very lucky" I found it hard to believe that my own mother my age from a staunch Roman Catholic background was actually having sex with a lad. I didn't know how to answer her regarding me and Jules, and the countless lads and men such as Beñat, Robert and Peter. "You are with someone, I know." She told me. For my own sake and hers I had to lie. I told her that I was still a virgin. "A virgin with lots of raunchy thoughts and feelings?" She shown me a pair of my panties heavily stained with my love juices. She gave me a huge hug and smiled. "It happens to us all. There is nothing wrong in seeking relief for those thoughts." Sometimes talking to mother in those days was like talking to one of the sisters' at school. Sex was a sin. And yet I trusted and dearly loved her.