Doing My Best to Not Be a Problem

As always, thanks to all who give meaningful feedback. I enjoy emailing with you.

Sorry, no sex, just the aftermath.

Haitian proverb: Do not insult the alligator until you have crossed the river.

+ + + +

Sometimes you just can't tell whether your luck is good or bad. It was Saturday morning. I backed out of my driveway, headed to Home Depot to pick up some parts to fix the bathroom tub, when I realized I had a flat tire. I had only made it a hundred feet. I walked back home to get my hydraulic jack.

As I walked into the kitchen, I heard Dora talking to someone.

"Don't worry, he won't be a problem."

The sound of my keys landing on the counter let her know I was back.

In hushed words "Gotta go."

Entering the kitchen "Hey hon that was quick."

"Flat tire."

"Oh, that sucks, need help with it?"

"Nope, got it."

Time to examine what that was all about. As I changed tires I decided to replay what Dora's been doing and saying to see if I could find warning signs. The first thing I found odd was the night before. When I got home, Dora told me the bathroom tub was almost plugged again. It's been getting worse, but why, at six in the evening, would it even matter. We live in an older house, and we use the tub as a shower. That must mean she took a shower before I got home. Well you don't have to read too many stories to understand what that implies.

After changing tires, I went upstairs to wash my hands. I checked the laundry basket and found both a wet bath towel, from the night before, and a pair of panties, still damp from having been hand washed.

+ + +

My name is Matt. I've been married to Dora for four years. We knew each other in high school but never dated. We reconnected after college and things just seemed to fit. We had a healthy sex life before we got married and it hasn't slowed down much.

I guess, if I'd admit it, the first warning sign was when our friends, Jim and Diane, got divorced. I totally supported Jim for all the shit he put Diane through. Dora couldn't understand how someone, so mild mannered like me, could condone such brutal treatments of a cheating wife. I heard the 'maybe it was just sex' and that shouldn't result in such draconic measures.

"Look at it this way Dora, fidelity is just like pregnancy, you are either pregnant or you are not, there is no gray area. Fidelity is one hundred percent or it's zero."

Dora's reaction, in retrospect, now speaks volumes.

We recently purchased this old fixer upper. Unless some major changes are made, this place won't sell to anyone until someone else wants a fixer upper. I'm handy enough with a tool belt but finding the time is the biggest challenge.

My heart wasn't into fixing the bathroom, I needed to clear my head.

I headed outside to work in the yard. I was fuming but unsure what to do to get more information.

Dora was tending to her rose bushes. I had started trimming the trees when I heard a scream. Dora was stumbling, trying to stand up, and screaming 'SNAKE'.

I smiled, Dora is deathly afraid of snakes. I find snakes amusing, live ropes with eyes and a forked tongue. I strolled over and saw a pencil thin garter snake, about a foot long.

"KILL IT, KILL IT!"

I lied "I don't see it. Are you sure?"

"YES, DAMMIT, it was huge, keep looking."

Dora was standing in the doorway, I took a foot long twig and tossed it towards her "Is this it?"

The sound of the door slamming was all I heard.

She had locked the doors, and I had to apologize, profusely, for throwing 'the snake' at her, before I was allowed into the house.

"I need to lay down. I hate snakes. Not funny, throwing it at me."

Once Dora was upstairs, I opened her cell phone and jotted down the phone numbers she'd been calling. I also checked her Google map history to see where she had requested directions. Yesterday at 2:30 pm it was the Parakeet Lounge.

Putting things together was not all that difficult. Too many calls to Jacob Sather, her co-worker, to be a coincidence. Not too many with that last name in our fair city. I'm guessing he's the one about four miles away.

I decided to take a drive. The Parakeet Lounge is attached to the America Sleeps Motel. One down, one to go. I parked a few houses away from Jacob's house and watched. A couple of kids were playing in the front yard and a lovely lady would occasionally pop her head out and interact with them. I assume the man, who came out of the house, was Jacob. He drove off.

I knocked on the front door.

"Yes, may I help you?"

"Yes ma'am, I'm updating the census information. Are you Mrs. Sather?"

"Yes I am."

I wrote on my pad of paper "Sorry, I don't have a first name for you. You have two children? Ages?"

"My name is Julie. My children are five and seven."

I wrote some more "And you are still married to Jacob?"

"Yes."

Julie confirmed that Jacob was a manager where Dora worked.

"Thanks, that's all I need, have a great day."

Julie, like I was, is probably completely unaware what her dipshit husband, and my slut wife, are doing.

By this time next week, things are going to be very different.

I deflected Dora's attempts to have sex, with a variety of excuses, and she appeared unfazed by my lack of interest. I was careful to follow my normal routine as best I could. I used a burner phone to get my plan set up.

I wanted to be positive that what I suspected, was actually occurring. It would be more than embarrassing to scorch the earth on a bad assumption. I took Friday off and followed Dora to work. I killed the morning using my phone to read erotic stories. For some odd reason, BTB stories are my current favorites. Around 2:30 pm Dora found her car and left the parking lot. I stayed well back, pretty much convinced there was a parakeet in my future.

At the Parakeet Lounge, Dora parked and was walking towards the stairs of the motel. I parked such that I had a view of the stairs. Dora was joined by Jacob and they headed up to the second story. They reappeared then Jacob opened the suite. I had seen all I needed. I called my friend, Alex, and let him know I was headed his way.

Dora was surprised to find me watching TV when she got home. I had no doubt she was freshly fucked and would want to take a shower.

"Matt, what are you doing home so early?"

"I had some errands to run, so I took the afternoon off. You must have gotten off early too?"

"I spilled a drink on me so I decided to come home and shower. I'll be back down in a bit. Let's go out for steak."

Impressive quick thinking on her feet. I could hardly contain myself.

I had taken the regular door handle off of the bathroom door and replaced it with one that could only be opened from the bedroom side. The door opened into the bathroom and we always closed it by shoving the door closed. Now, once in the bathroom, Dora would be stuck. We had no bathroom window, just a fan. The door, like the rest of the doors in the house, was a very heavy wooden slab.

I tip-toed up the stairs and heard the bathroom door close. I pulled on it to make sure she was locked in. The hysterical screaming started a few seconds later. The pounding on the door wasn't as loud as the panic screams. I turned on the radio, near the bed, and ramped up the volume, to drown out the screams.

You see, I had borrowed two, very large, Yellow Anaconda snakes from my herpetologist friend Alex. Each was about eight feet long and about the circumference of my arm. They were too big to slide under a door. I had placed them in the tub and pulled the curtain closed. They aren't venomous but, when they get really hungry, they will attack. Alex feeds them well so they are a few weeks away from being dangerous.

"Matt, let me out, let me out, Matt, please, let me out!"

"Maybe Jacob can help you. What's his number?"

"Oh Gawd, I'm sorry Matt, it was only sex, I love you. Please let me out" then more healthy screams.

The snakes might be getting a little friendly. I heard crashing sounds.

"Matt, DAMMIT, OPEN THE DOOR!"

"Honey, these are only snakes. You be careful, they are attracted to human fluids, like piss, shit, and especially cum" I spewed bullshit.

"Oh fuck fuck fuck fuck" then more crashing sounds.

I think she's throwing things at the snakes.

"Honey, try not to fall asleep, that's when they eat and breed" my bullshit continued.

Sobbing "Matt, open the door. I'm sorry. OPEN THE DOOR!"

"Calm down dear, you might want to turn out the lights."

I added some freshly made up facts "They get aggressive with bright lights. I'll check back on you in a few hours."

Over the next few hours, amongst the hysterical sobbing, were the sounds of things crashing. There was a loud thud. She must have fallen off the toilet or sink as her voice changed radically.

"MATT, HELP ME! HELP ME! SHIT! OFF ME, GET OFF ME, HELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP!"

"Dora, try not to scare them. They'll force themselves into dark, warm, and wet openings" I piled on the bullshit.

It was too disturbing to sleep in the bedroom, what with all the noise. I actually got a good night's sleep on the sofa. In the morning, after I fixed a cup of coffee, I climbed the stairs to see what the prognosis was for today.

"How's it going in there honey?"

Not much but some grunts and whimpering. Lack of sleep I guess. I'll check back at lunch. I spent the morning catching up on my emails and browsing for new cars. Dora's friend dropped by to pick her up.

"Didn't she call you? I'm sorry about that. She got no sleep last night and is not feeling well at all. She's acting very strange. I'll let her know you dropped by."

Every once in a while I heard a crash and a scream. She's got to be getting hungry too.

"Are you finished with your shower yet? I'm headed out for a nice juicy steak. Can I get anything for you?"

A very weak "Please open the door, please, I can't be any more sorry. What do you want, please open the door."

"Watch them carefully, when they intertwine, that's a sign they are getting horny. You don't want to be around them if that happens" as I made up more facts.

"OPEN THE DOOR DAMMIT" then more hysterical crying and screaming.

The lawn needs mowing. I had a bounce in my step while doing it. I watched TV all afternoon. After the golf coverage finished, I checked on our love fest.

I banged on the door "How are you and your lovers doing dear?"

"SHITTTTTTTTTT, THEY'RE ON ME, GET OFF, GET OFF, HELPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"

Perhaps she had dozed off and her lovers were snuggling up.

"I'll give you and your lovers some privacy. I'll check back in the morning, sweet dreams."

"MATT OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR, NOW!"

Bossy little thing, I think I'll leave her in time out.

The crying and screaming continued, at random times, throughout the night. I slept on the sofa again.

With my morning coffee in hand I climbed the stairs again.

Not a peep, maybe she was able to get some rest after all. I cracked the door open. Dora was passed out, wedged between the wall and the toilet. She had completely trashed the bathroom. I put the two snakes into the canvas bags Alex had provided. It took just a few minutes to put the regular door handle back on.

I used my phone to create a video of Dora sleeping beside the toilet, and the damage she had done.

I called 911 and reported my wife had gone crazy. I placed the canvas bags in my trunk. When the squad car arrived, I told them how Dora had locked herself in the bathroom and trashed it. I don't know if she was abusing drugs, but she was ranting and raving about snakes. She was acting crazy and completely delusional. She definitely needed some psychiatric care and I was willing to sign whatever paperwork necessary to get her the help she needed.

When they tried moving Dora, she kicked, screamed 'SNAKES! GET OFF ME!', and swung wildly at the cops. It took both officers to subdue her. They informed me they were taking her to the hospital for observation. Before they left, they took photos of the bathroom, checked the bathroom door lock, and looked for snakes.

I stopped by Alex's place on my way to the hospital. Both of the snakes were none the worse for wear. I promised to buy Alex a big steak dinner.

I think I deserve at least a supporting actor Oscar for my performance at the hospital. I couldn't have generated more sympathy from the nurses and doctors. They assured me that, although unusual, they see this a few times a year. I peaked in and saw they had Dora restrained in a straitjacket. The sedatives would keep her calm for now.

The doctors convinced me to agree to leave her, for observation, for at least a week. This would not look good on her resume.

The report, after a week, was not good for Dora. Anytime anyone or anything near her moved, she would lash out and scream. She continued to rant about how I had locked her in the bathroom, with snakes, to punish her for her affair.

"Her affair? She, She, She's having an affair?" I put on my best blindsided husband act.

"Someone she works with, named Jacob."

"I need to sit. I don't feel very good right now. Do you think her guilt caused her to snap?"

"The brain is a very complex thing. It's tough to tell what prompted this."

They handed me some water.

"There were no snakes, so what happens to her now?"

"We've filed the necessary paperwork to keep her another two weeks."

I contacted my attorney and had him start the divorce process. He also contacted Dora and Jacob's employer, and is working on a settlement. Jacob is management, Dora isn't, and they aren't supposed to mingle bodily fluids. As long as Dora is being treated for her breakdown, she can't be served. Not a problem, it will be there, waiting for her, when she gets released. She's going to need to find another job. I hear Julie is also going after Jacob's ex-employer too.

Jacob checked into the same hospital for a short stay. He was bitten by a venomous snake he found in his car. They had to amputate a few fingers.

I bought this poster and put it in my office:

"A snake may shed its skin, but it's still a snake.

Remember that before you allow some people back into your life."

I hope I lived up to Dora's expectations, you know, about 'not being a problem'.