Dominology 106: Self Discipline

Note: To the folks that have been asking, yes, the missing entries are on purpose. These are excerpts from my blog where I try to post at least one thing a day, so sometimes they come out a bit redundant. So, to avoid repetition and such, I try to keep posting only the more significant entries, here. Thanks for asking!

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The only thing that we can ever directly control is ourselves. We do not control the submissive. It's a difficult lesson for us to wrap our minds around. But, in my experience, our success as a dominant is contingent on cultivating the admittedly counterintuitive attitude.

As dominants, we pride ourselves on our effect on others, on what we can make them do or feel. But to practice that craft in a sane way, we acknowledge this. If we don't, we begin to chase a certain result. We begin to calculate, 'What will make this person do this? What will make this thing happen?' And then we are lost.

Because you're following something, at that point. And you can't lead and follow at the same time; you end up chasing your tail. It becomes a cycle of you displaying the behaviors that you think the submissive will respond well to, and the whole process will become an unguided morass. You're putting her in charge when it's the last thing either of you want.

That's why it's necessary to remain detached from the result, to an extent. You provide a structure, a space for them, and allow them to react, and then continually modify and shape it. But have to remain aloof from it. It's a process of cultivation. Your will and hers must remain distinct, you might say, for them to produce the harmony of one being dominant and another being submissive.

Another reason is that that space can become quite claustrophobic if you allow too little space inside it for the submissive to express herself and to respond to your stimulus. They need to participate actively, and that means having a range of motion. So whatever you demand from them has to allow some perceptible level of variation that is hers.

For example, in Gorean protocol, there isn't just a single 'kneeling' posture, but several, all fairly precise in specifics, such as the angle of the head, the eyes, where and how the hands are positioned, the width of the knees, etc. So, you would think that such a precise protocol would be quite stifling to the individual. But the truth was that it was so structured that all the tiny nuances in the movement that took a girl from standing to kneeling, and all the tiny, usually ignored aspects of their physical expression became quite noticeable. And as a result no two girls would adopt the same posture in exactly the same way. This is why you see many expressing finding a sense of freedom in this structure.

I knew some masters and slaves who were into geisha style protocol, and these people were amazing. Every motion, quite literally, was elegant, and flowing, so that asking a girl to pour you tea was like giving her an opportunity to perform a kind of ballet.

The specific aesthetics may vary from person to person, but this is the attitude that must be cultivated. Your commands are giving a submissive an opportunity to perform. You asking something of her is giving something to her.

But the dominant has one advantage in this that the submissive does not. A dominant can practice this alone.

That notion might throw people, at first. A dominant dominates people. It's kind of explicit by definition, right? But it's not necessarily true.

I advocate the attitude that the acts of domination, as one might observe them, should be viewed as a sort of side effect, an expression of someone being dominant. A manifestation of qualities that are there all the time, not only when in play with a submissive.

Or, to put it another way, a leader doesn't require followers. He leads just the same, whether, whether people are following or not, by determining his own actions. A follower, on the other hand, when left on their own, is forced into the position of becoming a leader.

Your next experience as a dominant should not be in a play session. It should be right now.

Learn to get a bit more comfortable in your skin. Feel the space you take up. Live in it. Own it. Then take it with you. Develop a sense of self and take inventory of it.

Learn to react more consciously. Watch what you do that is a reaction to things around you for a while, and learn to make those reactions a bit more conscious. Are you thirsty? Decide to go seek out a drink, don't let the stimulus simply mandate an action that you follow along for a ride. Don't react kneejerk. Develop a habit, when you find yourself doing so; something simple like taking a deep breath to get yourself back under your own steam.

Strike up a conversation with someone and be a bit more passive and watchful. Watch how people react to you without fixing any particular attachment to the sort of reaction that they demonstrate in return. Learn to check your instinctual tendencies to seek and follow rapport. Be deliberate.

Yes, I'm advocating to an extent an egocentric attitude. That doesn't necessarily mean being an ass or being selfish. You can be as kind, generous, or benevolent as you like. But learn to demand that it's on your terms.

Begin to cultivate a sense of space around you and protect it. Value it. Take it seriously. Keep negative, stupid, annoying things out of your space. Not just you home, or living area, but wherever you go. Cultivate the sense of owning that space. Just know it's there, don't try to persuade anyone, or even point out it's there. When you establish it in your mind, you'll react as though it's there, and those around you will react to that.

Learn to let the world react to you more than you react to the world. Make your dominance your own thing. Then, when you do play with a submissive, it's simply a thing that you share with her.