Dominology 107: Do's and Don'ts

Don't take yourself too seriously. I know it's always tempting to model our behavior on the action hero of our choice, but don't do it. You do not need to be cool, dark, broody, or to communicate in grunts. Be yourself. Laugh, smile, have fun, say stupid things sometimes. Be human and authentic.

Do have a sense of humor. Crack jokes, be witty or funny, defuse tension with a laugh; there's no arena I know of where these are not good things.

Don't be a goof. Humor is great, silliness less so. Remember that you're building a space, and if a submissive can't take you seriously that place falls apart. Worse, this carried too far can become a form of hardwired submissive behavior and will rock most subs out of their comfy space faster than you can say 'unbecoming'. Know when to reel it in a bit.

Do be well mannered and polite. I'm not saying you have to read books on etiquette, though in truth that wouldn't be as silly an idea as it might seem. The problem here is that this is one of those areas that genders tend to see differently. Males tend to see 'good behavior' as a kind of conformity or surrender, if you will. Women tend to see it as a form of self discipline and maturity, and often associate it with authority. These are generalized tendencies, of course, but they're strong ones. For people working with female subs especially, but any submissive in general, proper demeanor tends to be a potent tool, and sloppy, undisciplined behavior tends to be counterproductive. Also, there's an old saying: you can only demand as much discipline as you can display.

Don't be cute. Many doms, in the pattern of the bully, default to acting cute when their bluster or attempts at authority fail, and others even see it as a tool to elicit desired behavior. As I observed under being a goof, this is actually a submissive behavior so far as our biological hard wiring goes. It is also one sure way to torpedo any security structure you've built. On top of that, it tends not to match any behavior that it compels with corresponding accountability. So cut out the cute puppy-dog eyes. You can be lovable or you can be a dom, not both.

Do be communicative. Many dominants feel it's somehow cheating or wrong to ask a submissive how she feels or what she might like to do. I once did a play session at a party and when I asked the girl what she wanted to do, everyone laughed and assumed I was joking. It's perfectly fine to ask your submissive questions as you play, like what she feels like or prefers, even for advice or about how she'd like to proceed. Now, there's a line here.

Don't let the submissive make the decisions. A submissive can make a request and you can grant it, or you can ask what she'd like to do. But, except for maybe exclusively S&M sensation play, you can't let that go too far. It's important to always demonstrate that you are making these decisions. My own recommendation is to always try to deliver what she wants but never quite as she would have requested it. If she asks for something make her wait for it, or mix it with some other factor that is surprising. Making sure when you grant her request, that you put your own spin on it so it's clearly on your terms and not hers. If she asks for the cane, build up to it with different toys and let her wonder, or use a form of bondage that she finds daunting.

Do keep your cool. Not to be confused with trying to look cool. This can be tricky. A submissive does need to know that you are controlled, and that in effect she's safer in your hands than in her own. Often times she'll have an inclination to 'kick up' or rebel, to provoke in order to see how secure and controlled you are before she'll move that next step into giving over to you. This is natural, and if you fly off the handle or she can get a rise out of you, then you will not get her over that next hurdle. An emergency stop is thrown on the power exchange. So it's important to be measured, secure, steady, and confident. I hate to say it, but the dog-whisperer stuff about calm, assertive energy does works on humans, too.

Don't be a jerk. Now, guys can be forgiven for being confused on this, as we're most often the ones that get this wrong. This is another example of cognition tending to operate slightly differently along gender lines. Women tend to be socially inclusive, and to be very case and instance specific regarding behaviors. This is where they often get the reputation with men for nagging and nitpicking 'every little thing'. Their brain is wired, you might say, to keep all the members of the tribe harmonious by including everyone but also making sure a status quo is observed. Men on the other hand are hierarchical. We arrange ourselves in an order of value and worth. So, where a female mind will tend to see a behavior and react positively or negatively to it, we men tend to judge the person and be less responsive to specifics. So, where a woman tends to see 'a guy who does certain specific things that turn me on', a guy tends to see 'a jerk'.

When we try to model his behavior, we tend to lump in all the behavior associated with 'jerk', because to our minds, that's what the girl seems to like. Obviously, this is unhelpful. It's important to be very specific on what behavior you're experimenting with at a given time. For example, if you're engaging in humiliation or objectification play, experiment with a specific type or feel and observe the reaction before moving onto another, at least until you're fairly experienced with how that sub will react. Another example: just because a girl might be aroused by being called 'slut' does not mean that any offensive word you come up with will have an equal effect. Do not try to see how much obnoxious behavior you can get a sub to let you get away with. Keep it simple and specific. Be precise.

Do keep things in boundaries. People tend to talk a lot about a submissive's boundaries, but don't forget that you, the dominant, are allowed to have them too. It's very useful to confine this play to set sessions, especially within an existing relationship. Trust me, doing this all the time can get exhausting when you're not used to it. Also, don't feel pressured to experiment or play with things that you don't feel comfortable with, or up to at a given a time. A lot of people scoff at anything less than '24/7′ (basically permanent Master/slave protocol) or TPE (Total Power Exchange, or no defined limits). But it's far better to have a mutually recognized limit than an unspoken one that you both pretend isn't there in order to feel kinkier.