Don't

The sky was grey and the air was hot. I was a mess in white at the old man's bar. I took off my veil and drank my first shot of gin and thought back to the church: the perfect day for the imperfect wedding of the century.

The memory of all that happened in those unforgettable 5 seconds still replayed in my head like a tape with no STOP button.

"I don't" Jax said, clear as a bell. The priest heard. Eve heard. All heard.

But not me.

I saw his eyes begin to water but now I don't know if those were tears of sorrow or relief. How could he? What kind of man, no, what kind of human being does that! In front of our friends! If front of our family!

"What?" I said.

As the audience began to lightly rumble and one of the bridesmaids gasped, I just stood there staring back at him. What was I to do? Did I really just hear him say that? This wasn't possible!

I looked at him, the eyes of the love that I thought I knew. That I thought I loved and I saw them jump to the set of eyes behind me. That was like mine but not mine.

They were hers, my sister Eve's.

I think at some point I fell down out of shock.

After what felt like an eternity, I slowly pulled my hands from his and turned towards our guests who were both horrified and bewildered. Eve tried to reach for me and called out my name, Judith, but stopped when I held my hand up and gave her the look; the look that told her I knew what was going on between her and Jax, the look of a woman betrayed by her own sister, her twin none the less. Without making eye contact with our guests, I walked back down the aisle, out of the church, and headed to this musky watering hole; but not before the one slight outburst I allotted myself. As I walked out of the church, I couldn't help but notice the pristine Rolls Royce limousine sitting outside. My thoughts strayed to how he had put the security deposit down himself for that special treat. As I grabbed the metal signpost outside the church doors and hurled it with all my might into the passenger window, my thoughts strayed to how he likely wouldn't be getting that deposit back.

Back in the bar, I stared at my glass, I listened to the light sound of raindrops falling; a symphony of white noise to which I played a small complimentary role as my tears fell to the bar. The shot glass rolled lightly between my fingers as I glanced towards the bartender, signaling another.

I hated the way that bartender looked back at me. Was it my tears? Was it my once impeccable wedding dress now stained with patches of mud along the bottom from my trek to this dump from the church? Was it the way I downed those first four shots of gin? I've always considered myself a reasonable woman but right now I hated sympathy. I was too good for sympathy. I was the better twin! I was the athlete! I was the responsible one! I was the one who worked tirelessly through high school to be accepted to Yale while my sister slacked off and partied! I'm the one with the five-year plan and the career as a public defender in Jacksonville. What does she do? Bake cookies. Bake freaking cookies.

Our parents named us after women in the Bible; my namesake cut off a man's head and hers committed the first sin.

As I raised my arm to take my fifth shot, a hand grabs my wrist. The young police officer and his aged partner look concerned but I just glare at them.

"Can help...Officers?" I said through slurred speech.

"No ma'am. We're just here to see that you're ok," They said.

That just pissed me off.

"No I'm not. F...off," I said downing my fifth shot.

They ask me to come with them so they can take me home but I resist. Even though looking back, I knew it was the worst thing to do, I just wanted to sulk in my sorrow for a while but they would not let me stay in. As the young cop grabs my arm, I remember why I never drink gin on an empty stomach.

The last thing I remember, before waking up in a jail cell, is stumbling over towards the cop and allowing my stomach to unleash its fury over his crisp clean blue uniform.

Now I'm in that jail cell alone, hungover, and smelly.

"Enders, Judith!"

I heard my name being called from somewhere distant. I looked up from my cell and saw another police officer. She was screaming my name.

"Yeah...I'm here," I said stumbling to the bared wall.

"Your parents are here to bail you out," The officer said as she opened the door. She was a woman, heavy set with a large chest. She had a gold band on her hand. I'm sure she had a husband and nice children. Things I wouldn't have at the rate I was going.

" Thanks, oww..."

"Good luck. Oh and the officer you threw up on decided not to press charges against you but just don't do it again," She said.

"Oh don't worry, I don't plan on it,"

As I slowly walked down the police station, the images of the day replayed in my head. Maybe it was a dream. Then as I saw my mother and father in their matching black dress and tuxedo and I knew it wasn't.

"Hi mom. Hi dad,"

"Judith Elizabeth Grace Roberta Enders!" My mom screamed.

"Mom, a little less," I began.

"What? A little less louder, a little less embarrassing! How could you do that to me? To us?"

"To you?" I responded.

"I'm the one who got stood up in front of everyone for Eve,"

"Why don't we handle this at home? Tomorrow even," My dad interjected.

"It's been a really long day for all of us,"

"Fine but tomorrow we will discuss this. And you will apologize to everyone Judith Elizabeth," My mom said as she stormed out of the police station.

My dad looked at me with sympathy in his eyes and pulled out a ginger ale from behind his back and handed it to me.

"Thanks dad,"

The ride home was silent. Even the radio was off. I think the car could tell how tense and unideal the situation was. In the back were presents addressed to Jax and me. Big boxes, little boxes, envelopes, a few spheres here and there. Maybe they were salad tossers or paper lights or something. I tried to guess what they were in the car as I sipped on my ginger ale. Knowing my mother I'd have to write thank you cards for each of them and write down each gift for what it was in the morning. Fun, fun.

By the time we got back to my parents' house it was around 2 in the morning. My mom continued to go off ranting and raving about the day in her and my dad's room while I slowly made the trek back up to mine. My parents had kept it the same as the day I left for Yale for undergrad time. Posters of Michael Jackson and Usher adorned the walls along with a copy of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence.

When I finally got out of the dress, I looked at it. $5,000 puffy white mushroom that was dirt covered, vomit splashed, tear stained, reminder of the day the day that was supposed to be the happiest of my life but instead it was the saddest.

I peed on it, threw it in Eve's room, shut my room door and then when to bed. That made me feel a little bit happy.

The next day, I woke up to the sound of grass being cut. My parents neighbor, Mr. Klundershmit always cut his grass on Sunday's before he went to church. He was a nice guy. His wife had left him years ago for the guy who cut their grass before but now he did it. Maybe he thought that if he cut the grass, she'd come back.

I got up from my bed and put on a pair of shorts and a shirt and decided to go for a walk. It was early and not too many people were out in the neighborhood. Eventually, I ended up at the Getty 8 blocks away from my house. I bought myself a bag of chocolate covered mini doughnuts and started eating them on the way back home. I was starving from last night's drinking binge and hungry for comfort after my betrayal yesterday.

"Judith!" A voice said.

I turned around to see a familiar face.

"Catherine, hey how are you," I said between bites of doughnut.

"I'm doing fine." She said.

We'd been friends since middle school when we were paired up on a project about alligators. She really got into the animals and I got into the argument that we should save them from condo developers.

It was nice.

"I heard about what happened yesterday," She said.

"Oh you weren't there to see it?"

"No I got called away to an emergency birthing situation up in Ft. Lauderdale so I caught the late flight down here to Melbourne."

"Oh," I said.

"That's good though. You missed um..."

I reached the bag of doughnuts and stuffed one down my throat.

"Qte de orasion," I said through bites.

"I'm sure I did." She said.

"Look I know this is a difficult time for you but you should come by my parents' house tonight,"

"Why?" I said after taking a large gulp.

"Well, I'm house sitting for my parents. They're off on another cruise for a month so it's just me and Rick. He'd love to meet you,"

"Who?"

"Rick my husband. You'll love him. We eloped over Christmas so now I'm bringing him here to meet people. He's a Petroleum Engineer from Galveston but you'd never know it from his accent,"

"Huh, I see, well I don't know," I responded.

"And your mother won't be there," She said adding to her previously made points.

"I'll be there,"

For the rest of the day I did everything I could to ensure that I would be able to leave the next day with some form of dignity. Even though I was in my 30's, I was still eager to please my parents, at least sober. I inventoried presents and wrote thank you cards for the dozens of toasters, blenders, mixers, towels, and various pieces of South Hampton by Charlotte Moss China that I had received.

"Make sure you pack them in newspaper," My Mom said I loaded up my car with my Dad. We rolled our eyes as we put the already newspaper and bubble wrapped China in the back of my grey Ford Escape.

"Sure you don't want me to kill him?" My Dad asked.

"Dad I can't have you go to jail. You're too old and I've already done that. It's not a very nice place," I said laughing.

By the time dinner came around, I was ready to leave and head over to Catherine's house to cool off and relax and get away from my mom. I had showered and changed into a flowery yellow sundress and pulled my black hair into a pony tail. I forced a smile on my face to look presentable when really I wanted to buy another bag of doughnuts and continue to stuff my face with them.

I grabbed a bottle of Sparkling Cider that one of my college friends sent me as a joke wedding present and put it in my purse. . It wasn't going to be drunken by me and my husband or would have been husband, but at least it be drunken by a husband and wife.

"Where are you going? I thought you were going to eat with us?" My mom asked.

"I'm going down the street to Catherine's," I said.

"What are you 12 again?"

"No mom, I'm 32 and she invited me over this morning."

"This morning?" My mom asked.

"How did she find you this morning,"

No matter how old I got it seemed like my mom never got the hint that I wasn't 12 anymore. Quizzing me on where I went, who I was with. She was a flight attendant and missed out on me and Eve growing up. And was now semi-trying to make up for it. My dad saw everything: first tooth falling, first crush, first dance, ect. Once she retired, she realized that she had missed me and Eve growing up. Eve stayed in town so they could easily relive to days long past, me not so much. Yale was a plane ride away and Jacksonville wasn't around the block.

"Let her go already." Dad interjected.

"She needs a little break before she goes back up north to Jacksonville. Let her go hang out with her friends,"

"Thanks dad," I said.

"Good night,"

I quickly grabbed my keys from the front hall, ran out of the house, started my car, and drove to Catherine's.

As I drove up to the house, I saw more houses similar to my parents and my parents. The two story brick colonial home was similar to the houses that surrounded it in form but in fashion it was the only one that had neatly trimmed grass. The recession had hit Florida hard and in the years since, things hadn't gotten any better. The signs of unkempt grass showed this as they hadn't been lived in recently and were probably now bank owned.

"No one is safe from anything these days," I said to myself.

Going to Yale cost a pretty penny. Partial scholarships didn't cover all of a quarter million dollar education. For undergrad, I worked every summer for an attorney in Melbourne when I came home then at school I became Kickboxing and Athletic Trainer certified. Making money off of 'training' NY Housewives paid the rent for a New Haven Apartment and the bat that went with it once on campus housing got too pricy. Like I said, nowhere was safe. Not even New Haven was safe from the occasional burglar or two.

The job in Jacksonville as a State's Attorney was a blessing in disguise. Initially, I worked on Wall Street but that the intense competition for a spot, well...it didn't work out for me. As long as I agreed to work for the state of Florida, which needed lawyers, for 10 years, my loans would be paid off.

As I pulled up to Catherine's parent's house, I saw that it was the only one in the neighborhood who had its lights on. The grass was cut in some, others not so much.

"Here goes nothing," I said hopping out of my car, wine and purse in tow.

I walked up the grey cement pathway to where to the house and rung the doorbell. I heard some footsteps from behind the door and a click.

"You must be Judith," The man who opened the door said. He was tall, had dark hair and a great smile. He had in his hand a glass of wine that was half empty. I guess I brought the refill.

"I brought sparkling cider" I said raising the bottle to him.

"More wine! Nice. Thanks so much," He said taking hold of the bottle.

"Not exactly," I added.

"Rick, let her in already. Don't let the mosquitoes in," Catherine yelled from inside the house.

"Oh yes, yes come in come in." Rick said inviting me in.

I entered the through the door and into the house. It hadn't changed too much from what I remembered. The living room still had a series of black leather couches but the big screen TV that had once been there had been replaced by a flat screen. And there were less photos of Catherine growing up on the walls and instead there were photos of her on wildlife veterinary calls and her elopement photos from the Christmas before.

"Just take a seat on the couch," Judith said from behind the counter. She was cooking something that smelled good. I looked over and three big T-Bone steaks were sizzling on the griddle, steam was rising from a pot of white fluffy mashed potatoes, and green, yell, and red peppers adorned the bottom of a pan. Scents of mushrooms and steak filled my nose. It smelled succulent and appetizing.

I would definitely be making up for not eating dinner the night before.

"Ok,"

I sat on the couch and checked my phone to text my mother and tell her that I had arrived at Catherine's parent's house safely.

"So Judith," Rick said as he sat down next to me.

"Catherine tells me that you're an attorney,"

"Yes I am indeed I am,"

I saw that his eyes were beginning to wander a bit from my eyes to my chest. My dress wasn't too low cut but it did show off my girls a little bit. He seemed to be interested in them, even though his wife was about 50 yards away.

Was anyone safe?

Was anything sacred anymore? The world was scary enough on the outside but being violated in your own home, that was just crazy. Were all guys from Texas like this? I mean Bush did go to Yale and he gave us a speech about business that I went to but I had so much trouble with his accent then I didn't understand it. Rick though, he doesn't have an accent. Catherine was right about that but I'm not sure about his wandering eyes though. What does he want though? Cheating on his wife 6 months in, way to go buddy.When she gets ready to divorce you, I'll take you to the cleaners.

"Dinner is ready!" Judith said from the kitchen.

"Oh good," I said bolting up from the couth to the kitchen breaking my mental plans on divorce settlements.

"Let's eat,"

I made a quick dash over to the dinner table where Judith had placed three plates of steak, mashed potatoes, and multicolored peppers with glasses of wine to each.

"Wow this looks divine Catherine," I said as I sat down.

"Thank you," She said as she and Rick took their seats. He held her hand as she sat down and it was quite romantic. Maybe he didn't mean to eye my chest earlier.

Or maybe he did.

We began eating. Everything tasted as good as it smelled when we came in the door. Even the wine tasted good. I thought it wasn't wine at first.

"Is this the cider that I brought you guys?" I asked.

"No this is something we brought with us from my last call in Ft. Lauderdale. The guy who's horse I helped give birth is a wine collector. This is a 2002 bottle of Dalla Valle." Catherine explained.

"Whatever this is it, really good. It just adds and extra kicks of like natural herbs. It really brings out the flavor of the meat and the peppers and potatoes."

I devoured my plate. After 2 days, I guess I was hungry. Between unpacking presents, packing my car, and drinking, the only thing I had in my stomach was a pile of doughnuts that clearly were gone from the morning.

I looked up and the two eaten only half of theirs.

"I'm sorry I'm such a pig,"

"No you're fine Judith," Catherine said.

"Yeah it means you have a hearty appetite for desert," Rick added.

"Desert?" I asked.

Catherine jabbed at Rick with her elbow.

"Not yet," She whispered.

The two continued to eat and I conversed with them out attorney life and Catherine's wildlife adventures and Rick's experiences out on the oil rigs. Their lives sound so much more exciting than my own. Rescuing alligators, finding new drilling sites out in the Gulf, going over real estate claims sounded less than appealing after hearing their stories. The only benefit my job had was that it was structured, safe, and secure. Not wild, dangerous, and fun.

After we all finished, Catherine put the dishes in the dishwasher and we all sat together on one of the three black couches. Catherine and Rick curled up next to each other on one side while I sat on the other feeling like the third deflated wheel.

"You guys were so nice to have me over tonight. I really appreciate it," I said.

"No problem," Catherine said. "We've enjoyed having you over,"

"And we hope you'll stay," Rick said.

"What?" I said startled.

"He meant for desert," Catherine added.

"Oh ok," I said relieved. "So what are we having?"

After a moment of silence, I looked over at Catherine and Rick, they looked at each other and they looked at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Well...we were going to ask if you..." Catherine began.

She was drawing out her words and I wasn't sure what she was going to say and I was starting to take another sip of wine when Rick blurted out the truth.

"Basically, we were going to ask you if you wanted to join us for sex,"

I spit the wine back out in the glass. I couldn't believe what I just heard.

"What?!"

"I told you not to just hit her over the head with it," Catherine said to Rick.

Sex with Catherine and Rick. Catherine and Rick. No way.

I knew it was my time to go then.

"Well this has been fun but I umm...I really need to be able to do things. I'm sorry but thank you."

I bolted for the door and opened it. Rain was pouring down. I couldn't believe it.

"Judith come back in here. You can't go out there like that,"

I started to step out but a blast of lightening threw me back in.

I clearly wasn't going anywhere.

"We're sorry. We just hoped to make you feel better," Catherine said.

"Feel better?!" I said.

"This would not make me feel better to have sex with a guy I barely know and a girl. This is insane, Ludacris. No, no, no!"