Don't Mess with Chyna

Humphrey looked at Chyna dispiritedly. They had so little in common, sitting here in the diner. Humphrey was an intellectual who took joy in doing the "Times" Sunday Crossword in pen, and in being president of the Buttermilk Falls Chess Club.

Chyna reveled in having her hair done, and popping gum in the left side of her adorable cheek.

Sexy, yes, but also cheap looking, and not a terribly good conversationalist.

Now, sitting across from him in the booth, Chyna's full breasts moved slightly in the tight pink mohair as she dragged a comb across her teased hair. Abstractedly, she blew a bubble, which was kind of hot; she looked so bored as she did it.

But Humphrey had discussed this with his friends. Marielle had squeezed Humphrey's shoulder. "You just need to tell her that it's over, Humphrey. Do the 'It's not you, it's me' argument that you used when you dumped me. We're still friends, right?"

"But I don't know if I really want to be friends with Chyna, she's not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree." Humphrey had winced, thinking of how cruel he'd been to Marielle.

And he'd actually been worried about losing Mari's friendship, Mari was funny and bright-but she didn't turn him on. Chyna turned Humphrey on, and that was about it.

T.D. and Piggy, Humphrey's male friends, had advised pulling the Band-Aid off quickly and harshly-a fast dump. But of course T.D. had the hots for Chyna, as many guys did...the way Chyna's butt twitched in her plaid miniskirt, and her erotically foul mouth. God.

Now, Humphrey said it. "Chyna, I think we need to talk."

Chyna put down her compact. "Yeah?" Her adorable pink tongue peeked from her recently gloss coated lips.

"Chyna, this isn't about the money your brother owes me-he can keep it-"

"Goody! Romulus'll be glad to hear that." Chyna noisily and vulgarly slurped from her milkshake.

"But-but we don't have a lot in common, and I think we should stop seeing each other. Not that-"

Humphrey's heart was pounding. Chyna could get pissed off when she wanted to, and her long violet talons had clawed him more than once when she was annoyed by a perceived slight, or if she thought he smiled at another girl.

"This again." Chyna said, nodding. Chyna lit a Virginia Slim. The diner was recently non-smoking, but the manager wouldn't say anything "'cause my mom has a lot she could tell his wife, that guy."

"A-again?"

"Yeah. You tried to break up with me last week, after I embarrassed you at the creepy geek party."

"Oh, the Science Fiction convention?"

"That time, too, but I mean the Ren faire, when I made fun of the cow with the Viking horn hat, she had like, fake fluff sewed into the bust of her gown?" Chyna snorted.

Yes, the Reniassance Faire. "Well, Delois is a good friend of mine, Chyna, and-"

"Whatever. You tried to break it off, but then we went to your place, and you kind of forgot about it. 'Cause of your needs."

Chyna giggled. I told Romulus about that. Rommie thinks you're a faggot."

Humphrey gritted his teeth and tried to ignore his erection. Jesus, though it was bulging down there.

"Yes, you can be cruel, sometimes, Chyna. You-"

"Oh shut up." Chyna put her cigarette out in the middle of the leftover of her BLT. "Whine, whine, bitch, bitch."

"Well, we don't really get along, Chyna, and although I've enjoyed our times together-"

"You can be rude, too. Remember at the pool when you were mean to the lifeguard who was just makin' nice comments about the ducks on my bikini? I was so embarrassed, Humphrey."

"He was drooling all over you, it was disgusting."

"But then, you kinda got quiet when what was it, Marc? The lifeguard Marc, asked if you wanted to take it into the woods. Didn't want to try kicking his ass, did you?"

Humphrey's face burned with the memory. So he was a bit of a wimp.

"Clearly, we don't get along. Let's just end it now, Chyna."

"You sure about that?" Amazingly, she was on a new piece of Double Bubble.

"Yeah-my mother already drove your stuff over to your place for me."

"Aaw-your mommy did that? For the big college boy? Mommy don't like Chyna, huh?"

"Chyna, I'm just going to go now." Humphrey dropped some bills on the check.

"Okay. But you don't want to go up to your place...just one more time? For a little Ping-Pong?"

Those long lashes batted as she smiled insolently at Humphrey.

Humphrey thought of Tuesday night. His naked penis, bulging against her fishnetted thighs, his legs kicking, the trousers strangling his ankles, as Chyna's Ping-Pong paddle had slammed his bare cheeks again and again.

The screaming, until he was hoarse.

Kissing her feet afterwards, his scorched rear trying not to touch his legs as he knelt before her.

Jacking off into her full ashtray...and licking it up.

An hour in the corner before beginning a glorious assault on her clitoris with his tongue...

He thought of Chyna's pulling her sweater up with one bored hand so he could stare at her cleavage as he gasped and panted...and then more punishment.

"You know, Rom's up in your place right now."

"Y-your brother is in my apartment? He doesn't have a key."

"Rommy don't need one. I told him how you irritate me sometimes, with all this breakup talk, and biting your fingernails and whatever. He wants to try his belt on you."

"He does?"

"I told Rommy about how you keep tryin' to fuck me with that tiny dick of yours, and he says he will whip it so you don't need to try to use it no more. He'll show you what you need, you and your teeny peenie."

"He-he wants to whip my penis?"

"I can tell him to split, Humphrey. Be gone when you get upstairs. You never see either of us again-"

"But, Chyna, baby-"

"Thought it might be interesting to see you squeal when he hits you...and then you can suck his thingie, and my thingie too. Just for a laugh."

"Well if, I mean I'm not gay-"

"No, and you want to break up. I'll tell him to leave if you want, and I'll see you around."

"No, no, Chyna. We don't have to break up this week. Lets-go see Romulus and, talk."

"Yeah?"

Chyna popped her gum.