Dos and Don'ts

My fiancee and I have been having crazy sex for the last year and a half. On our fist date he was really nervous and jokingly asked for me to come over to his place. Knowing he was nervous I thought it was the perfect opportunity to make my move. I told him yes and he was surprised and unsure of what to do. Later he told me about how he really didn't expect me to say yes so soon. But it turned me on that he hadn't had a lot of sex before me and it made him all the more exciting. I was nervous too because it was the first time I had sex at someone's place that wasn't their parents ( I was a junior in high school). The excitement for both of us was really high, I showed it less than he did. He was breathing really heavy and slightly clumsy. But it just made me feel good being in control for once. He gave me something I never had before. A night to enjoy myself during sex. He was the only one that ever made me orgasm. All the other guys I had dated were total d-bags and were done in less than 10 minutes. Between us, it lasted all night. I couldn't walk the next morning because I'd never used so many muscles for love making before. It was the first time I had ever felt truly one with someone. But later in our relationship we never got that excitement back and after about 6 months I became incredibly sexually dissatisfied. He used to be able to make me orgasm at least 2 times a week and after about the 6 month mark it just sort of stopped. Sex was never the incentive for our relationship but it was still very important to us.

What happened after 6 months? I started using toys and it became hard for my fiancee to pleasure me. So he gave up and I started getting angry at him for not pleasuring me after sex. When I didn't come I was upset and took it out on him. And then I started rejecting sex and becoming moody. Now I'm still working things out between me and him. But its caused a lot more trouble than either of us had imagined. Lately I've been staying up trying to figure out whats wrong with me and what I can do to fix the problems I create.

All relationships are different. Couples can have as much sex as twice a month or twice a day. But I'm writing this to share things that I have discovered in my relationship as well as things I've learned online and from many books. I would like to share these things so that if anyone has any of these problems can know that they aren't the only ones and that there are things to do to fix sex problems in relationships.

Things that you should DO in a relationship:

1) BE ROMANTIC: there will be some women who say they don't like romance and like things dirty. That's fine. To each their own. But that doesn't mean romance has to be taken out of the equation. All women love romance. And for women reading this, all men love knowing that they are being thought of; whether sexually or romantically. Love notes can be a cute and lovely way of sharing intimate thoughts. I love writing and receiving love notes because it shows that my fiancee and I aren't just focusing on sex together or responsibilities apart. And don't feel that anything you write will be corny. What you call corny are usually things that your significant other find sweet and wonderful. Its okay to sound corny just don't sound CHEAP. Don't use cards that have things already written in them unless you write something special in it.

Whatever you do or get, make it thoughtful. Women go crazy when they come home to a romantic setting, dinner, dim lights, etc...So one important thing when trying to be romantic is that you don't have to go all out. Sometimes the simplest things can be the most heartfelt.

Another thing about romance is if the other person isn't in the mood sexually don't make them feel as though you did everything for them so you could get laid. For example say your sweet heart comes home and you have the romantic dinner set up and all you can think about is how much he/she is going to enjoy a long passionate night of hard core love making after dinner. But they tell you they had a very bad day ( at work, between friends, anything that they would feel distressed over) and it kind of kills the mood. Be prepared to go to bed early. Focus on the night at hand and just use it as a tool to show you care and support them. ROMANCE ISN'T JUST ABOUT HAVING SEX. Its about sharing love and intimacy in a wonderful way in a place that's away from the rest of the world. But in the case that Romance does lead to sex I move on to another thing to do.

2) SMELL THE FLOWERS. Take your time. Have a setting that takes both of you away from the normal and gives you freedom to shake off the rest of the world. To be yourself. Men and women can't enjoy sex while still feeling the pressures of the outside world and having the feeling of impending doom hanging over their heads. That's why its good to just relax and take time to notice whats in front of you. Forget about that job interview tomorrow or how your presentations going to go. Just focus on the beautiful person before you, who you want to please and love on. And if it is a week day and you have to get up early don't be so quick to finish that you haven't fully enjoyed your partner.

It doesn't take hours to get the most out of your night, although if your both enjoying then there shouldn't be anything to stop you. I mean, if your going to wake up late wouldn't you rather be it over making sweet passionate love or having stayed up late worrying about whatever you have to deal with the next day. Also, sex helps you sleep, its doing something that drains your energy and makes you feel satisfied, if enjoyed properly.

3) HAVE FUN. Don't make yourself feel that pleasuring the other person is another responsibility. You have all day to do your duties as wife, girlfriend, husband, head of household, caregiver, provider, boyfriend, whatever it is you have to live your life as throughout your week. You have to put up a front all day long and so does your significant other for the days hard challenges, shouldn't you both be free to just let loose? What do I mean by fun exactly? Well, what do you find fun? Sharing laughs, wrestling around, teasing, playing games. Whatever it may be, just show you enjoy the other person and what you two are sharing. Show that its not another responsibility or duty or even routine. Its a get away, its a mini vacation, its rehab. It helps you live together in harmony. It should be joyful and uplifting. And if you feel more passionate than playful that's fine. Smile a little. At least let them know that this is an entirely separate world you share together and it means a lot. Maybe even live out a couple fantasies. But before you do look at the next thing on this list.

4) TALK. I can't make this clear enough. If you do not communicate sex is just a pass time. Its just a game to play before you go to sleep Whenever you have sex you are sharing something special. And it should feel special, sacred even. If you or your partner are feeling uncomfortable with anything its not just gonna go away by being pleasured. My fiancee and I used to have so much sex that I would get bladder infections ( also caused by certain lubricants). But I never told him it hurt because I felt it was my responsibility to pleasure him. Not realizing that he didn't find it pleasurable to see me cringe when he pounded into me. We talked about it and realized each others problems. I learned more about him and he learned more about me. All the better for pleasuring each each other. You can't fully satisfy your partner by guessing. You have to know what they like or don't like. For example I hate when he pinches my nipples, but I like when he plays with them gently. Sometimes its irritating but when it turns me on it really turns me on. I get soaking wet just when he sucks on me. But if he bites or pinches I instantly dry up.

There area lot of tiny details that can change the whole picture. These are things that he or I wouldn't know without talking. Another thing about talking is being patient. There might be a night when your really into it but he or she isn't and they stop to tell you. Though its interrupting its important to take mental note of everything they say and learn from it. Also, allow for change, sometimes something that feels a week ago might feel uncomfortable later on. Moving onto my next Do.

5) CHANGE THINGS UP. Doing the same thing over and over again can become boring or uncomfortable. It keeps things interesting and exciting. There's only a few things to say on the subject. One, that it gives both of you something to look forward to. Two, there are many things to do to change up things in the bedroom including different positions, role playing, and many other things. That's where you do research on things online and then see what your partner thinks. That's where talking comes in.

There's a lot of things you should DO when it comes to having sex in a long term relationship. But along with all the Dos there's many things that shouldn't be done. Now we move onto the DON'T.

DON'T:

1) FORGET THE IMPORTANT THINGS. Whats more important? Pleasure or love? Remember why your doing what your doing. If your doing it just for pleasure you will leave out love. But if you do it for pleasure you are sure to find pleasure regardless. Sex was made for intimacy, not just pleasure alone. That's one thing that's important to remember when being in a long term relationship. Remember why you love each other and that sex isn't above your relationship. The best sex is found in commitment. Its kind of like having a certain setting for likes and dislikes and you don't have to change readjust that setting when your with the same person for a long time. Women enjoy sex more in a committed relationship for this reason. Trust and love are important in sex.

2) USE PARPHENELIA TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS. I know of couples who have used drugs, toys, and porn to solve their sexual problems. Problems include argument, dissatisfaction, and selfishness. Couples who argue over sex ( how much/ little, why, when) think the problem is each other. But often times it is that they are both at fault for not having talked about it or been patient enough to understand whats going on in each person. Dissatisfaction and selfishness are also big problems because often times women can feel unfinished afterward and the man can feel that all he wants is to finish himself. Sometimes women can be selfish too but that's not something that comes up often in these discussions. But women are often dissatisfied when their standards are not met and men can't really reach them. That's where understanding and compromise come in. But often times couples try to attest their short comings to the fact that they don't have enough to satisfy them. So they turn to drugs, toys, and porn as well as other things. They use the experimentation of these things to fill a gap that is caused by something entirely different. Don't use drugs. It creates more financial and personal problems than they are worth and do little to fully fix anything wrong with sex.

Don't expect toys to fix your problems either because for a LOT of women there is the problem of becoming numb to your partner. I used a vibrator and ended up preferring it over my fiancee because it made me desensitized to him and I got more upset at him for not making me come like he used to. "Bad vibes". Anyway though toys add to the fun don't use them in the place of sexual dissatisfaction. Also, porn. Now I know this is an erotic writing site as well as some porn. I'm not blind. But porn can become a problem. Why? Because instead of it adding to a relationship often times ( at least 9 times out of 10) men start to view sex differently. And so do women. It becomes more about pleasure and less about love.

Now, some can disagree with the statement that porn is bad, but you can't disagree that somewhere along the line it does cause some distress in relationships. Either women will be seen differently or they will see men differently. And the same goes for men. I'm not going to say porn is horrible and you should never watch it, but if there is problems in your relationship put it away and solve things by talking being loving. I do believe people can become addicted to porn. That's why I try to make sure we don't watch it and look at it too often, there was a point where he preferred it over me and I preferred toys over him. That only made problems worse. So, if I'm against porn than why do I come to this site. Well, I do like the romance and find that the stories people write are good. I also like reading the how to section :). But more than that its what I consider mild in what I choose to read and its not raunchy enough to make me think differently about him or myself. I find reading is a lot less dirty than watching. But I know everyone is not that same. There are different situations, but the whole point of this section is to just let you know that sometimes what you or your partner, or both of you, are doing can severely affect your relationship. So whatever you get into, remember each other.

3) IGNORE THE PROBLEM. It is absolutely inevitable that you or your partner are going to argue about sex. Along with talking try to come up with solutions that aren't just sexual. My fiancee liked to watch porn with submissive women and started pushing me more and more into sex. When I didn't want it he became a different person and I saw a side of him I never want to see again. It got to the point where all I could do was yell at him to stop and he wouldn't even think twice about it till it was over. I never told him how much it bothered me and that I wanted to leave him for it (but knew I couldn't) so I started to feel like a slave. I just did what he wanted and let him have his way. But that was just as much my fault as it was his. I never told him how I felt, I ignored the problem, and let him do what he wanted. That's when learned to speak up when something bothers me.

I learned he didn't really enjoy hurting me but that it was just his way of showing that he wanted to have his fun. Though we're still struggling bringing our problems to the surface has made it easier

4) HOLD ON TO THINGS. The greatest way to get over a fight is by having sex. When all the talking is done and your emotions are still high, but you've forgiven each other, let them know you still love them. Sometimes when I'm angry I take my fiancee and I jump right on him and force all the anger out into passionate love. It actually took a while to master love over anger. But now that I have we hardly fight. Once in a blue moon maybe. We argue regardless, but fights almost never break out. That's not say I don't let him know I'm upset, I just wait till I'm more calm to say how I truly feel without exploding. But while I'm having sex I try to forget about everything. Why I'm angry. What I need to do the next day. How things will work out. All of that I leave with my underwear on the floor. Because if I think about these things I can't enjoy the person in front of me.

5) EXPECT EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT. Sometimes I get excited about a romantic night out, and in. But things can pop up out of no where. Try not be upset when something distracts you. And if you are upset that things didn't go as planned try not to take it out on your partner. Remember why you were being loving and romantic in the first place. And for women who are easily dissatisfied try not to think of your man as someone who can't live up to your standards. For men, when your girl isn't in the mood. Try to be patient and understanding. Women have a hard time reading their own feelings. Why, because there are women who don't know what they want. And that should be respected. But those women also need to know how hard it is on men to read their minds. Patience is key in any relationship.

I understand the disappointment many people get when the toy they bought isn't that pleasurable for their partner or the movie sucked or the dinner tasted awful. But the mistake many people make is thinking that everything is ruined. Men aren't romantic most of the time because 1) they feel that it won't go right, 2) Its not worth it, 3) the woman isn't going to like it. But one thing that men don't know is that women don't care about perfection, they care about effort. And one thing women should know is that men do care and try their best. They need to be encouraged and women need to be loved on.

I know a lot of this isn't exactly about sex, but the best part of sex is how your feeling about the person your with. Its not pleasurable for women to make love to a man that doesn't try to make them happy or feel cared for. And it doesn't make men feel good to think that they can't satisfy their woman. When a relationship is good sex feels good, but when both partners need each other, sex is a reminder of their bond.

Sex can say a great many things. When done right it should make the other person feel loved and pleasured. When done wrong it can make someone feel used and hurt. Love comes first in sex, not pleasure. Pleasure happens no matter what when you make love. Unless you don't care about the other person. Anyway you get the point. BUT! There's one more DO I wanted to mention because it is one that is very important and I just want you catch this: RESEARCH. Show the other person that you have taken time to learn about them and what can be done for each other. Research one another and study other things. I've been reading books on relationships, studying my fiancees likes and dislikes, looking online for fun things to do in bed. And let me tell you it makes him feel so good know he;s loved and thought of. And men, I guarantee that women love when you do the same. It shows that you care enough to try things and make things work. It shows faithfulness, thoughtfulness, and understanding. Don't stop learning about each other.

Don't stop trying new things because your going to be with him/her for a while if your truly dedicated. There is also a really big DON'T I want to mention: GIVE UP. Things aren't always going to be good, money isn't always going to be steady, life isn't always going to be fun. You've given this person your heart and soul and a big piece of you and your partner has been shared through sex. If you give up on one another that piece will break and shatter and be lost. The road isn't always going to be so steady but show your in it for the long run. Sex isn't just for pleasure, its a bond you share. Its the two of you becoming one. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. This whole thing is aimed at couples who plan on sticking it out and being together for a long time. Its aimed at people who do, and will, run into problems with sex and I think people put too much focus on making sex good than making it special.

I wrote this in hopes that I could offer even a grain of advise to those who have been trying to find something to add to their sex life for both the good and the bad parts. I know this isn't really erotic but its important if your going to be erotic. So don't forget when your scrolling through this sight theirs more to everyone's story than just sex ;)

Enjoy.