Driving

Part One: The Real Rules

There are so many laws of the road that people seem to be, well, confused about which parts of the code are the most important. And I do hate to see somebody, especially somebody just in front of me when I need to get somewhere, suffering from confusion. So I've prepared this little guide to help these benighted people out. No need to thank me; I hope to benefit from this as much as you do.

The Supremes

I'll begin with three rules which are unquestionably The Most Supremely Important Really Key Rules of driving. The topmost one, the mother of all rules, doesn't even get mentioned in the official manual they give you to study for your driver's test.

This may seem strange. Well, it is. Only after many years, as a citizen acquires experience with the ways of governments, does the thing become understandable. I'm over forty now. The real mystery to me at this stage of my life is how come the driving manual they give you doesn't describe the exhibits at the State Museum or maybe contain recipes or just ads from the Chamber of Commerce.

But this is really the big one: Don't Hit Anything. Don't hit the oncoming traffic on the left and keep off the mailboxes on the right. Curbs are a warning device placed there by civil engineers to wake you up when you lose sight of this rule.

The next two are Pay Attention to What's Going On, which they do mention in the manual, by the way, and Don't Even Drive in the First Place without a Destination. Many of the common problems encountered on the roads result from people who fail to obey these three simple rules.

The one about paying attention is a component of a lot of the lesser rules we'll be looking at later on. Pick a Lane and Get In It, for example, which belongs in the second group, not the top three; the thinking motorist will note right away that this is only a more specific way of saying, "Pay attention to what's going on."

My mad friend Larry would put Pick a Lane up in the top three, but he's not to be trusted when it comes to things that need a nicety of judgement. He has yelled, "Pick a lane, you ass!" out his window at the top of his lungs before. It was a beautiful thing to see, mind you. Inspiring. But you can't applaud it for its finesse or discernment.

One time, I was a passenger in Larry's car because he was taking me to the shop to pick up mine. I'd had to have it repaired after a little difficulty I'd experienced with somebody who didn't have a destination. We had gotten across Broadway during the early part of rush hour, and he was still a bit on edge. At the next intersection, which is ordinarily benign, a cop turned on his rotary roof lights and crept at a snail's pace across the intersection in front of us, followed by a hearse and maybe sixty-two other cars.

There came a noise which sounded like ush! from the driver's side. It was Larry, moaning through clenched teeth. He rolled down his window, and I pricked up my ears. It's always interesting to hear what he'll say out the window under stress.

"The crips get all the good parking places, and the dead guys get the right of way!" he said.

So much for Larry's judgement. Pick a Lane and Get In It is obviously second-priority stuff.

As long as everybody on the road is trying to get somewhere, it is very helpful if we all drive in a way that helps the traffic to flow on. Of course, you and I both know there are folks out there who don't seem to have any strong drive to arrive anywhere anytime soon. That's the reason for primary rule number three, Don't Even Drive in the First Place without a Destination.

An exception to this is a new driver learning the art, which nobody will seriously mind. Whenever I find my way being obstructed by some oblivious twit who seems not to be going anywhere in particular, my wife will say, "Probably a student driver," to make me calm down. There are an awful lot of rookies out there, it would seem.

Secondary Rules

For reference, I will list the next batch of rules out in full. Details and discussion will come later.

--Pick a Lane and Get In It (LSA's forfeit choice of lane).

--Back into places so that you can Come onto the Street Face First.

--The Yellow Light is for Left-Turning Traffic.

--Signal Before you Slow Down or Start to Turn, not After.

--You Have a Responsibility to Maintain the Flow of Traffic.

--In Case of Drone, it's Up to the First Two Cars Following the Drone to Pass.

--People "Traveling" Under Fifteen Miles per Hour are considered Parked. You can Go Around Parked Cars.

--All you Have to Do is Go By That Guy who's Turning Left.

--If you Want to Turn Left, Waiting for the Oncoming Lanes to Clear Is Supposed To Be Done Out Beyond the Stop Line.

--Close it the Hell Up.

These are in no particular order, but they're all secondary rules. That means that the primary rules override them. Don't pass the drone, for example, if you'll have to hit anything to do it. You can't go around the guy who's turning left if the lane to the right of you is full-- pay attention to what's going on. You get the idea.

Now, it's a fine point, but I want to bring it up now in order to get it out of the way. At first blush, I seem to have made a mistake and put the rule about being responsible for the traffic flow in the wrong category. Believe me, I know how important this is; I even considered putting it into the top group myself for a moment, but I did it this way because I think it is one of those rules which is overridden by the top three.

Not only that, but put it up there in the top group yourself for a moment, just as an experiment. See if it overrides any of the second group. See? It actually means the same thing as every rule in the second group! All of the second group are just specific cases of the rule about being responsible to keep the traffic moving smoothly. But we are getting lost now in the finer points of driving theory. Let's return to the discussion at hand.

Let's Discuss It

The secondary rules will now be taken up one by one. Let's deal with my mad friend's favorite first: Pick a Lane and Get In It (LSA's forfeit choice of lane). LSA stands for Lane-Straddling Ass, of course. If there's an LSA ahead of you, you should remember that if he won't pick a lane, you have the right to pick one for him. If you want him to the right, for example, pull by him on the left! Suddenly, he's in the right-hand lane, just like that.

Another little-known rule is the Roger Bannister rule. Remember Roger Bannister? He was the first man to break the four-minute mile, which stood like a barrier for decades. There were even pundits who held that it was physiologically impossible for a human being to run a mile in less than four minutes. Well, he was going fifteen miles an hour. If a car can't go any faster than Roger Bannister, go around it. People "Traveling" Under Fifteen Miles per Hour are considered Parked. What the hell, they're probably reading house numbers or something, anyway.

Some trailer parks and such places will post speed limits of fifteen and even ten miles per hour. Treat such ideas with the contempt they deserve-- there is no ten miles per hour.

For years, comedians have been telling us that the yellow light means, "Go real fast," but this is not the case. There's a problem with left turns at any traffic light, and this is one of the things the yellow light is for. If you're not turning left, give the poor bugger who is a break and stop on the yellow so that he can make his turn and clear the intersection. Otherwise, the left-turn lane progresses only one or two cars per light cycle. It's worse if there's only one lane, because then the whole line progresses only one or two cars per cycle. The Yellow Light is for Left-Turning Traffic. It's one of the ways you can do your bit for the traffic flow.

Drones. This was originally Larry's theory, and I'm almost sure there's nothing to it. I'll save it for next time, though. It wants explaining, and it'll take a little time to do it right.

Part Two: Drones

The nomenclature of drones goes like this: a drone is the guy going slow, and the drone line is the cars and whatnot piling up behind him. Secondary drones are assistants to the primary drone at the head of the line, and Larry always assumed they had to divide the total score between them, but if you watch what goes on in a drone line, you'll see that a drone with a skillful secondary drone to help him can really rack up a huge drone line. And in heavy traffic, even if they have to split it, each one's score will still be good.

I don't know whether or not this game is really being played. If you find yourself well back in a drone line sometime, though, you might as well observe the technique the drone is using, because if he's any good, you'll have plenty of time with not much else to do.

Drones understand the rule about the first two people behind the primary drone having the onus to pass. From any spot behind the first two in the drone line, it is a hazardous undertaking to try to break out. Once somebody pulls out into the passing lane, the line seems to close up, to heal itself, as it were, and whoever is passing has to canoodle somebody further up into opening up a slot for him to get into. This could result in a lot of people violating Rule One unintentionally.

Drone lines make people feel desperate and trapped, though, and you always have to keep an eye out for people who try to pass even though they aren't one of the first two. The world is full of people willing to risk not only their own lives but yours, too, in order to save themselves ten minutes' driving time.

The first two cars in a drone line can pass and re-enter the lane beyond the primary drone, in the clear. They are also the only ones with a reliable view of the oncoming traffic ahead of the drone. Because the people in the first two slots are sometimes responsible and intelligent and will pass at the first safe opportunity, drones lose points, and a drone line clears. This is where the secondary drones come into the picture. Put a Winnebago or somebody with a good big camper in the first or second slot, and the score begins to skyrocket.

If the person in the second slot really is a secondary drone playing the game, she will use drone techniques to help out the cause. She will slow down in the curving, narrow spots and also as soon as a green light comes into view. But on the straights she will neither pass nor slow down so that others can pass, but instead she'll speed up so that passing her will take longer and leave you hanging in the passing lane longer than is good for you.

Primary drones do this, of course, but if there's a good secondary, there is no hope the line will clear in a reasonable time. At that point, especially if you're back in the line a bit, you might as well smile and admire the artistry of the drone work being done, because you're going to be late if you don't have an alternate route.

Sometimes a person in the middle of the drone line will start slowing down even more, capturing the tail of the line for himself. This raiding behavior is part of the game, I think. There's quite a bit to it, if you watch what's happening.

Most times, the first and second slots behind the primary drone just become filled by timid people, people who promised Mommy they never never would pass, for example. They aren't really using drone techniques, and they will let you by if you want to risk it. This will happen sooner or later if a line persists long enough, and it's just jam for the primary drone, because he gets a lot of the benefits of a secondary without having to split the score.

See if you can spot whether or not the timid one is really an assistant drone! It helps the time go by, and also, if you do lose perpective and decide to pass, it's a lot safer to pass someone who isn't actively trying to keep you in the line, as a secondary drone will do.

This sounds like paranoia...

If the whole idea that the drones of the world are keeping score and engaging in a competition seems like one of those conspiracy ideas paranoid people keep having, well, remember, it was Larry's theory. I was his passenger again, no matter why, and we were going to Dover or someplace, a longish road, anyhow, with only a few good stretches in it where a person could pass. The drone at the head of our little drone line sped up amazingly through those places, only to slow back down again just as soon as the danger that somebody might escape him was over. They really do that, this is not paranoia, or at least not yet.

I said, "Christ, it's like the guy's trying to build up the biggest line he can possibly get."

I can't imagine why, but people often ask me to explain what the heck I'm talking about. "What the heck are you talking about?" Larry asked.

"The fella who's so goddam slow up there. He's built up this huge line, see? We come to a straightaway; you'd think somebody at least could pass him, but he speeds 'way up. Anybody try to pass him, they'd be hanging out there in the oncoming lane too long. So I said, 'it's like the guy is really trying to make sure he holds on to the biggest possible line of cars,' because he slows right down again as soon as the road closes up again."

"CB radios! They're all on the CB comparing notes!" Larry was off; the Big Idea had hit. "It's a competition, man. It's, like, a nationwide game!"

Through the rest of the trip, we brainstormed the whole thing. Or perhaps we only deduced the whole thing? Nah, it's too weird. But you can actually see them, man, behaving just as if there really was a game.

Anyway, the real discussion here is the secondary rules of driving, and the rule which applies here is In Case of Drone, it's Up to the First Two Cars Following the Drone to Pass. This is a responsibility we all must undertake to shoulder. If shoulder is the word I want.

Like all secondary rules, this one is overridden by the primary rules too. Whether you're the first car behind a major player or not, there's no percentage in risking your ass to save five minutes' driving time.

Okay, so what's left out of our list? You Have a Responsibility to Maintain the Flow of Traffic. That's a good one, and the drone thing is really, as we've mentioned, only a subset of this excellent observation. The genius of the automobile is motion.

Maintaining flow is so sensible that quite naturally almost nobody gives it a thought more often than once in a fortnight. When the motorist up ahead decides to turn left, for instance, it's reminiscent of the rule Jesus is supposed to use on Judgement Day, you remember the one: sheep to the right, goats to the left? Well, when somebody has come to the point on her itinerary which calls for her to hang a left, the people in the traffic flow behind her are immediately sorted into their two groups.

In this case, though, the sheep line up meekly behind her and sit there, but the human beings, who after all Don't Even Drive in the First Place without a Destination, try to see if it is feasible to simply go past her to her right and keep everyone moving. You get a really good view of this sorting procedure from three or four cars back. But the rule says, bleat not. All you Have to Do is Go By That Guy who's Turning Left. Be a human being.

We have come to a point of some subtlety now, and I will want a bit of space to expand the thing before your critical intelligence, so we'll finish up the secondary rules next time.

Part Three: Good Sense and Safety

"Running the prairies I have learned a thing or two, me," the Québecois said. Larry had read my article at Hamoudi's Diner, and we were discussing the secondary rules. This fellow from Chicoutimi or Chibougamou or someplace was sitting by himself at the table next to our booth, and he asked to join us. "And you know what piss me off the biggest time? Those guys, they cut you off, you know? They cut you off, out they come, you go, eh bien, this fellow he is very much in a hurry, but I am not hit him. So far, okay. At least, you know, this one fellow he will move the ass right along, eh? The man in the hurry, he will haul ass, eh? But no! No, and this is what piss me off. I don't mind so much the cut off, but Then by damn the Guy He must Haul Ass.

"Is this one in this book of yours?"

"He's got you there, son," Larry said. "You missed that one."

"Au contraire," I rejoined, "There it is at the end of the list: Close it the Hell Up.

"And the beauty of Close it the Hell Up is, it's something you can do yourself to prevent being frustrated by that guy. He risks everyone's ass to pull out ahead of you, but then forgets why he was in such a hurry and slows right down. I know, it sucks! But if you Close it the Hell Up then he won't be cutting you off to begin with. Makes you personally a lot safer if people aren't cutting you off all day long."

"Wait. So you drive right on the ass of the guy in the front of you?"

"Tailgaters annoy me," Larry agreed. "He's right."

"No, it's not tailgating, and it can't really be calculated by the car-length-per-ten-miles thing, either. It's a matter of visual distance..."

I had to stop, then, because of course they don't use miles in Québec and the car length thing didn't make any sense to him. But Larry knew it. They made a big deal of it in class. It had to do with stopping distance. The teacher told us to leave the distance of the length of a car between you and the fellow in front of you for every ten miles per hour of speed.

But at night, you really should be back so that your headlights fall below the level of the guy's rear window. And in traffic, it's really visual distance. You have to make your line of traffic look like there isn't enough room to cut in. Whatever that distance is, that's how close you follow. If you're moving right along at thirty or better (forty-five or better, in kilometers), then you can be a good comfortable distance back and still look too close for the guy to want to cut in. If you're creeping you will have to be really close in, though.

Larry says, "So if the line is creeping, you have a duty to tailgate?"

"It sounds bad to put it like that, but who made the line creep? If you drive at twenty, people are going to pile up behind you. That's just a fact of nature."

"True," Larry conceded, "And the guy going that slow has no business complaining about tailgaters. But I still don't like it."

"If you don't, though, that guy is going to see his chance and cut you off. That's okay, sometimes. But if you don't make a habit of Closing it the Hell Up, people will cut in front of you a dozen times, just going to the mall and back-- which is unsafe! Who wants to drive like that all day? It's damn risky; the risk accumulates.

"Besides, I'm going to be letting people come in from side streets once in a while, anyway. The quality of mercy is not strain'd; it droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven."

Think It Through

Now we come to the anti-stupid rules. One of these is the thing about backing into places. In my circle, it's considered a mark of intelligence to be in a driveway or a parking slot facing out. I've gotten resistance about this idea, but it's clear as crystal to me.

It's a learning curve thing, since they don't teach it. We have a street in my town which leads out of town into a bog and then into a tiny village or two. It really doesn't go to any place important, not for some while. People used to come home and just nose into the driveway. There was little penalty for it, because there was little traffic.

Then the big mall went in. Amazingly, people kept on nosing in! They had to back out, sometimes all but blindly, into a steady stream of frustrated traffic, but nothing would make them reflect. Learn, people! Every time you leave home, you have to risk your ass! You have to rely on the kindness of strangers, just to get out on the street! And they would even do it across both lanes in order to go left! That sort of suicidal stupidity astounds me, when all you have to do is Back into places so that you can Come onto the Street Face First.