Driving in Snow Ch. 16

Part of her just wanted to crawl under a rock and die.]

Breakfast.

Ann and I wore bathrobes into the kitchen to find Barbara, also in a robe, preparing to make a batch of pancakes.

I looked at Barbara and said: "Another Taoist farmer story."

She replied: "Always is, if you dig deep enough."

We hugged. What a hug. She knew I was OK. I felt very loved.

Ann looked at Barb's preparations and went and knocked on Becca's door: "Breakfast in fifteen minutes." She repeated the message at Zena's door."

Ann started frying bacon. I set the table.

Becca came in. She was wearing an opaque nightgown. She didn't say anything and looked downcast.

Zena joined us. She was wearing pajamas. She looked at me and said: "I was the priest, I know that. That lifetime was a horrible mistake in so many ways and what I did to you in that lifetime was perhaps my biggest mistake of all. I have no excuses, none are possible, but I want to say how terribly sorry I am and ask for something that I have no right to ask for: notably your forgiveness."

She sank to her knees and continued: "I saw the suffering you experienced last night as you told the story. I am willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal. That is the least I can do."

She was tearing up.

I asked her if she knew the story of the Taoist farmer. She didn't so I told it:

"The farmer owned an old mare and one day this horse jumped the fence and ran away. His neighbors commiserated but the farmer said: "What is good, and what is bad? We shall see." Several weeks later the mare returned herding a young stallion and several wild mares. The neighbors congratulated him for his good fortune but again the farmer said: "What is good, what is bad? We shall see." The farmer's only son was thrown while trying to ride one of the new horses and broke a leg. The farmer still said: "What is good, what is bad?" The next week the army came through the area conscripting young men, but the son had a broken leg and was not taken. What is good, what is bad?"

Zena asked: "How could any good possibly come out of what I did?"

I replied: "It kick-started my spiritual journey."

I paused then continued: "But I want to make a point here. You as personality did not do those things and I as personality did not have them done to me. Yes, we are the continuation of those lives in physical manifestation and we have the responsibility to rebalance what was left unbalanced, but we can do that from our divine centers and our divine centers are pure love. Karma is primarily a learning tool and the primary lessons relate to being loving. You are no longer the priest, you have learned much since that lifetime. Let those learnings shine. "

She kissed my feet.

I said: "Thank you but I am not a guru. I am just another student, another soul on the road to awareness.

I took her hands and helped her stand. We hugged. It was delicious. She cried.

I just held her for a long time.

I said: "Last night Barb said something profound, notably that we are actors in a play. If this is a play or better yet a game, an illusion setup to allow divinity to explore the totality of possible experience, then we can choose to let it go."

Zena replied: "Are you saying that even this is the oneness of Divinity taking on all roles?"

Both Barbara and I answered: "Yes."

I stepped back, bowed and said: "Namaste."

I turned to Becca, bowed and said: "Namaste." to her as well.

Becca asked: "What does that mean?"

I replied: "I salute the divinity at the center of your being."

I paused then added: "My Atman honors your Atman. But remember Atman, God individualized, is really Brahman, the one God. There is only one of us."

We continued this discussion through breakfast. Becca remained silent.

As we finished our meal Ann said: "I need to retrieve something from my dorm. Becca will you come with me?"

Becca nodded. They both went to dress. Barb, Zena and I cleaned up the dishes and pans.

Ann returned, gave me a hug and whispered: "Condoms. I also want some one on one with Bacca."

I replied: "Good luck with that."

Becca returned and she and Ann left.

Barb, Zena and I moved to the living room. We found ourselves talking about the relationship between love and karma. We found it interesting how each served the other.

Zena was beginning to feel really loved. There was healing for me in all of this but even more for Zena.

Zena wanted to hug me. We did. She was very affectionate.

Our hug was not sexual but it was very loving. We kissed, gently, tenderly. It was just what we both needed. We sat together on the sofa.

I heard the sound of the red rocket pulling into the garage.

Zena was talking about how she felt that a heavy weight had been lifted from her shoulders and how absolutely wonderful that felt.

I commented: "You are now free to really stand tall."

We laughed, she quipped: "I sure can."

She said that she now felt free to love and be loved.

We kicked these ideas around for twenty minutes.

Barbara commented that we were both showing magnificent auras. That we were both showing a state which she interpreted as very spiritually aware and very loved and loving at the same time.

Zena and I both agreed.

I realized Ann and Becca had not appeared. I went to the window and looked at the garage. The door was open and the tail of the Miata was visible.

I guessed that some deep discussion was underway.

Barbara said: "Becca's aura was dull and brownish when she left. I hope she will allow Ann to help her."

Zena said: "That's how it works, isn't it."

I looked at Barb and asked: "Is it time for our song?"

She replied: "I think you are right."

Zena looked confused.

Barb and I sat opposite each other, looked into each other's eyes and Barbara began to sing.

Her eyes were quickly the liquid fire again. I found that I was radiating love again. Zena took my hand and squeezed it tight. Barb and I were merging into one very loving being. Blissful and very intense at the same time. We knew this was the right thing to do for Becca as well as Zena. We held it for about ten minutes.

When we stopped we both went: "Whew."

Zena kissed me.

I heard the sound of car doors slamming followed by the sound of the garage door.

They came up the front stairs.

Becca was in the lead. She was smiling. Ann gave me a high sign.

I held my arms open to Becca and spread my feet. We shared a wonderful hug.

Afterwards Ann and I hugged as well. She whispered: "You timed it perfectly. You do do good work in your good works." I kissed her. She set a paper bag down on the coffee table.

I nodded toward Becca as I said to Ann: "You do good work in your good works too."

Ann said to Becca: "Tell Matt what you have been struggling with."

Becca said: "I have long wondered if I were a Jew surviving a concentration camp: would I be able to forgive a camp guard? Especially if he was a sadistic guard. I have long felt that I could not, that some things are just past forgiving. Well today I found that I was the equivalent of such a guard and I'm faced with the question of how to forgive myself."

We talked about this for a while.

She commented that being sent a big dose of what she saw as unconditional love really helped but she was not sure that it would hold.

The conversation continued.

Ann asked Barbara: "Do you still want to go to Crossgates?"

Barb replied: "Crossgates?"

Ann answered: "The big mall south of Albany."

To which Barbara replied: "Yes, more than ever."

Turning to Becca: " Becca will you come too? We can talk in the car."

Becca said: "OK."

Barb went to dress.

The rest of us shared something unusual: A group hug. The energy with it was delicious.

I asked Becca if she was all right. She turned the question around. I explained how I thought the event had served me. She seemed both relieved and still somewhat ashamed.

It was clear to me that she had not fully come to terms with what she had done. Ann had helped her, Ann had helped a lot but the journey was a long one.

Later Ann would convey to me that Becca in some ways still felt the pull of the dark side. Part of her wanted to feel "powerful," to be in control.

Barbara returned and the three of them headed down the stairs. I went to the window and watched as the SUV backed out of the garage.

Zena.

Zena came up behind me. I felt her breasts pressing into my shoulders. She wrapped her arms around me. I wrapped my arms around hers. She was radiating gentleness. I felt loved.

I found that I still wanted to make love with Zena but now as a sacred act. As a recognition of our ultimate oneness. As a recognition of shared divinity.

We stayed like this for perhaps a minute.

I dropped my arms and turned around. She spread her feet and we came back together. Soft kisses.

I was feeling union. It was different from the union with Barb. This seemed more universal somehow. I was feeling oneness not just with Zena but with the entire universe.

I brought my hands to her front and began to unbutton her top. She brought her legs together and pushed her bottoms down. By the time I had the top unbuttoned she was stepping out of her bottoms. She peeled off her top and smiled a glorious smile. Then she slid off my robe.

We hugged again. She said: "This time I am spreading my legs."

She looked shy as she took my hand and led me to her bedroom. I picked up the paper bag as we passed the coffee table.

We folded back the bed covers. I picked up a towel from the stack which Joyce had helpfully left for the room's occupant's use. I spread it out on the bed where I thought Zena;s hips would be. Next I took a single condom package out of the box and set it on the night table.

We came into each other's arms and necked for a few minutes, complete with grinding bodies and dancing tongues. She became really hot really fast.

We moved to the bed lying diagonally across it with her hips on the towel. She was on her back while I was on my side at her side.

She was grinning ear to ear. We continued with dancing tongues while I caressed her bosom. She loved it. I kissed and nibbled my way slowly down to her nipples. She held my head to her breast. I kissed, sucked, tweaked and lightly nibbled on her nipple. Then I moved to the other one.

I began to caress her tummy, working in slow circles lower and lower. I began feather light touches of the ends of her pubic hair. She began to pant and rock her hips. The aroma of her arousal was almost overpowering. I moved my hand lower still, caressing and massaging her labia. Everything was dripping wet, smooth and slippery. I slipped my index finger inside her and began to swirl it around. She responded by alternately squeezing my finger and releasing it. She was incredibly tight even when released. Eventually I was able to work a second finger deep inside but I was not able to touch bottom. All the while she was moaning, panting and muttering things like: "Yes, Oh yes, Oh God yes, Oh, Ohhh."

She seemed to get a little more control of herself and said: "Put it in, For Heaven's sake put it in me."

I stopped. She looked at me with almost desperation in her eyes.

I said: "Time to put on a condom."

She relaxed noticeably and asked: "Can I put it on you?"

I said: "Sure" and handed her the package. She tore it open and then looked slightly confused.

I then said: "Roll it on, just leave a bit of room at the end for the semen."

She did just that, with a delighted grin on her face. She was still breathing hard. Her upper chest was still bright red.

She rolled back onto her back and spread her legs wide. I settled on top of her. I began sucking on her nipple again while running the end of my shaft up and down between her labia, finally entering her. I used my usual technique of working my way in slowly. She never showed any sign of discomfort. Instead she was in ecstacy, totally enraptured. She held onto me with her arms and wrapped her long legs around my butt. She rocked her hips finally gaining synch with me. I was using long slow strokes, going from almost fully out to buried to the hilt. She was screaming and tossing her head around. I sped up somewhat still using long strokes.

Then her orgasm hit. Her scream intensified, she squeezed inside and out, her whole body convulsed and convulsed. Then she relaxed. Profound relaxation. She moaned softly. Then breathed a deep slow breath, the sound of pure contentment.

She said: "Ohhh, Oh thank you. I had no idea."

I went back to sucking on a nipple and started to stroke again.

She said: "Please no. Not yet. I'm just too sensitive."

I stopped deep inside her.

Then she lifted my head and asked: "You haven't finished yet have you?"

I replied: "No."

She said: "Does the condom interfere with your pleasure?"

I replied: "Somewhat."

Then she said: "You wouldn't need it if you finished in my ass. Do you want to do that?"

I asked: "Do you?"

She replied: "I want you to have as heavenly a time as I just had."

I slipped out. She lifted her legs higher making her ass available. Her entire backside was covered in her secretions. I rubbed a finger around to coat it and then pressed it into her anus.

She whimpered happily and said: "Go ahead."

I was nowhere near coming.

I removed the condom, made one deep stroke in her vagina to lubricate myself and then entered her ass slowly.

She moaned happily and said: "Oh yes. I like this."

I stroked away for a few minutes.

Then she said: "My legs are cramping up. How about if I roll over."

We changed positions. She splayed out on the bed, keeping the towel in place.

I reentered her. She was soon sounding every bit as aroused as she had earlier.

I reached my orgasm. She had another is I ejaculated into her.

We lay there spent. She whispered: "I love you."

I replied: "I love you too." Somehow that reply seemed inadequate.

She was relaxing. I could feel it throughout the body under me. So was I. My erection subsided and I slipped out.

She went to sleep. I moved off of her gently so as to not wake her. There was a smile on her lips.

To be continued.