Duality

I stood on the stoop, darkness a shroud that comforted me, the steady hum of cars and trucks passing on the interstate just a half of a mile away. The cigarette dangled between my lips as I leaned back against the front door. I could feel the presence just on the other side of the door, suffocating, threatening to pull me in and break me. I didn't want to go back in. Not yet. I inhaled and the end of the cigarette glowed brightly in the dark. I saw myself as someone might see me passing by on the sidewalk, glancing up to my house at that time, seeing only my face revealed by the glow of the cigarette, and wondered what they would see. My face would be dimly lit, mostly still covered in shadows. My nose, my cheeks, my forehead, and perhaps my eyes would be revealed in a dull, red light. Would the person see that my eyes were wet? Probably not. Would the light on my face shimmer as my lips trembled? Perhaps.

I shoved my hands deep into my pockets and held my arms against my body, feeling a chill in the seventy-degree night. I lifted the cigarette from my lips and took a deep breath of air, trying to push down the heaviness that lodged in my chest, and the breath turned into a sigh, making me tremble again. I dropped my head and laughed to myself. It sounded pitiful and a bit crazy, standing there, laughing at myself, when nothing was funny. This definitely wasn't funny. But I laughed again anyway and I slid my hand across my face and I pushed the laughter back down. I shook my head, a depressed smile across my lips, and stuck the cigarette between my lips to inhale again.

That's when I saw her. I don't know where she came from. She was just there.

She stood perfectly still, facing me, standing on the sidewalk, her face and body obscured by the glow and smoke of the cigarette, and I thought for an instant of what I looked like to her right then, probably like some half-crazed maniac, laughing to himself, looking miserable, standing in the doorway.

Then, I pulled the cigarette from my lips, blew out the smoke, and I could see her better, though I can't describe her. Was her hair blonde or brown or red? Was she tall or short? It didn't matter. She was all of those things. She was none of them. She was everything. And she was nothing. She was just beautiful and I can't find the words to describe her.

I stood, frozen, one hand shoved into a pocket, the other dangling at my side with the smoking cigarette hanging from between two fingers, as she stood staring back at me, her body perfectly still. The wind drifted between us and I heard the leaves rustling, scraping across the dry ground, dim voices far down the street, a dog barking somewhere in a yard far behind me, and it was all nothing, noises from some other world that didn't matter where I stood, that couldn't touch me.

I wanted to say something, but I couldn't. My body was frozen and all I could do was breathe, feeling that heaviness rise in my chest, trying to suffocate me, and she stared back at me and I knew that she knew. Her eyes said it, said everything that needed to be said, and I saw the smile across her lips, soothing and warm, and the heaviness fell away. I took a breath, deep into my stomach, and it didn't hurt, my throat didn't constrict to close it off, and for the first time in a long time I felt my body relax.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the door, forgetting what lie on the other side, feeling every muscle in my body loosen, as a gentle calm passed under my skin, and I sighed, helpless in its grasp, feeling it slide across my skull, my thoughts dimming to black, the thoughts that tormented me every minute of every day vanished, and I was left with a serenity I hadn't felt in years. I couldn't help but smile.

I lifted my head and opened my eyes to see her, but she had already turned away and was walking down the sidewalk. I felt my heart leap into my throat and my cigarette dropped to the porch as I walked down the steps to chase after her.

I didn't think. I just moved, drawn to her by an invisible leash, and I had no choice but to follow her. I hurried after her until I was only a few steps behind her and I slowed down to her pace, not wanting to overtake her, just wanting to follow her, to watch her, to just be near her. It never occurred to me why I followed her. I just knew I needed to.

I could smell her as she walked, her perfume drifting back towards me, seeming to slither around my skin and pull me towards her. Her clothes rustled quietly as she moved, her pumps clicking softly against the cement, and I imagined that I could hear her breathe, her breath whistling softly between her lips. The image of her lips parted squirmed into my gut and I wanted to kiss her, grab her arm, turn her around, and press my lips to her lips, taste her on my mouth, but I didn't. I couldn't. I could only follow.

The homes, windows lit with the flashing light of televisions, and the people talking softly on their porches, were images from a dream, wafting by like smoke, and only she was solid, the only thing in this world.

I don't know how long we walked. It could have been hours. It could have been minutes. She turned towards a house and walked up the driveway to the sidewalk. I followed her, noticing the house, but not seeing it, my eyes focused on her as she stopped at the front door and opened it. I stood on her sidewalk, several feet away, and watched as she stepped into the house, her head turned back, and she looked at me quickly, a smile on her lips, and then she disappeared into the darkness of the house, leaving the door open.

I didn't hesitate. I walked into the house and closed the door. Light from outside seeped through the windows, dimly illuminating the almost empty house. I could feel my heart beating in my chest, pounding painfully hard. My stomach was tight. My body shook. I knew it was the feeling of anticipation, a feeling that had long ago died and had come back to overwhelm me in a quiet rage.

I breathed deeply, smelling her, and I moved forward into the house, the wooden floor creaking softly under my steps. I walked down the hallway, following where I knew she had gone, though I hadn't seen her. I could see the flickering of candlelight from a bedroom, the only open door in the hallway. I heard the rustling of fabric as I moved forward. I swallowed hard, feeling my skin prickle like static electricity was building, making my hairs stand on end.

I approached the open door, raised my hand to touch the frame, and turned into the doorway. The ball of tension gripping my stomach and the slick electricity crackling over my skin sank lower into my groin and blossomed into a dark, warm heat when I saw her lying on the bed, naked, her body stretched out on her back, her arms behind her to hold her upper body tilted up, her legs parted slightly, one leg stretched out, the other bent up, her knee pointed to the ceiling, and the candlelight flickered over her skin, the shadows of her curves growing and shrinking with the flickering light.

She stared back at me, the smile across her lips shining in her eyes, partly wicked, partly sweet. She rocked her leg back and forth slowly, the light slipping down her inner thigh as she titled it to the side, my eyes drawn down between her legs, and then the shadows slithered back up her thigh as she tilted her leg back up.

My eyes slid up from her flirtatious thigh, over the dark patch of pubic hair, over her stomach, over her breasts, swaying slowly as she rocked her leg, along the slender line of her neck, over the fullness of her lips, and to her eyes, shimmering in the candlelight, two flames radiating their heat upon me, and I sank into her. I saw myself through her eyes, a man perpetually caught between two choices, either choice just as painful as the other, stuck in the mud of inaction, unable to move or decide, unwilling to make the choice to move forward.

I blinked my eyes and I was looking at her again, seeing her watch me, watching the thoughts in my head churning behind my eyes, waiting for me, and I smiled, feeling the thoughts bleed away, leaving me with nothing but the feeling raging in my groin, and I stepped into the room.

The room became suddenly cold as I noticed my clothes were gone. I looked down at my naked body and fought the urge to turn away, to hide my nakedness from her. I didn't want her to see me, to see me like this, naked, raw, ugly. I turned my head away, embarrassed, and let my arms fall to my side, letting her see me, waiting for that bitter sting of refusal.

I looked at the wall, the light playing along its surface, shadows dancing, and I sighed.

"Come here," she said, her voice passionate and dark, sending a chill down my spine.

I turned to look at her and she was smiling at me, a playful smirk, an invitation, and I knew she hadn't rejected me. She had seen me naked, stripped bare, nothing to hide, and still she beckoned me to her.

"Come here," she said again, and I shivered, her voice slithering through my body, penetrating me to my core, and I thought I had never heard anything so beautiful.

I imagined lying with her in bed, our naked bodies pressed together, her fingers dancing across my skin, her whispers in my ear, sending waves of pleasure through my body, concentrating in my cock, starting to stand out long and hard, from just her voice.

I moved towards her, watching her as her gaze moved over me, and I stopped as my legs touched the foot of the bed and stared up the length of her body until our eyes met. The mirth in her eyes bled away slowly, dissolving into lust as she stared at me, and her leg slowly fell to the side. My eyes moved down between her thighs, watching as she revealed herself to me, until she was as naked as me, each of us open before the other, and I groaned, knowing I had never seen anything so beautiful.

I stood before her, offering myself to her, as she lay before me, open to me, and our eyes locked, searching each other, peeling away those last layers, until we were just two people feeling the same desire and lust, wanting each other with an intensity able to consume us both down to our most primal beings.

Her lips parted and her tongue slid along her upper lip, breaking the trance. I placed my hands on the bed and moved onto it on my knees. She watched me as I slid towards her, spreading her legs wider to see me, her feet whispering across the sheets as she drew her knees into the air.

I knelt between her legs, dizzy with lust, and my eyes slid along her inner thighs, down to her glistening sex, and a deep, warm yearning spread from my gut through my body, bringing a low growl from my throat. She laughed, a soft laugh, filled with the dark desires whispered in a lover's ear at the moment just before climax, before the ability to think and speak is lost.

She lifted her leg in the air and stretched it out beside me. I watched the line of her inner thigh as she set her leg on my shoulder and rubbed her calf against my cheek, and I felt heat rise through my chest, finally feeling her skin against me, her smooth, soft skin against my skin, and I turned my head to press my lips to her calf. I opened my mouth slightly and caressed her calf with my tongue, the taste of her in my mouth. I closed my eyes to just feel her, taste her, lost in her skin, and I raised my hands to hold her leg as I began kissing down her calf to her knee, my tongue preceded by the soft caresses of my fingers. I groaned as my fingers started to slide down her thigh and opened my eyes when she lifted her leg out of my hands.

I looked at her, a wicked grin across her lips, and she shook her head. I wanted to plead with her to let me kiss her more. I had barely begun. She lifted her other leg in the air to place it on my shoulder and I sighed as I started to kiss her calf eagerly, the lust building to a pulsating fever. Her skin was warm against my lips. My hands slid down her leg, wrapped around her thigh, as I sucked at her skin, moving lower, my kisses becoming more urgent, the frustration of her tease melting into a burning need to sink into her flesh.

I slid her leg along my shoulder as my mouth moved down her inner thigh and I wrapped my hand around her knee, holding her leg against my shoulder, trapping her leg against me. She moaned as I slid a hand low down her leg, and I answered her with my groan, muffled by her thigh.

I lay upon the bed as I kissed her lower down her thigh and I looked up at her, seeing her back arched, her head tilted back, as my mouth came close, oh so close to her pussy, and she placed her legs on my back, urging me forward, her hands grasping my hair.

I hesitated for a moment, wanting to see her body held in passionate stillness, waiting, wanting, aroused in the knowledge that it was my kisses, my caresses, that brought her that pleasure.

Her hands tightened in my hair, pulling me towards her, and I looked down at the soft folds of her pussy, inhaling her scent, my arms wrapped around her thighs. My tongue slid between her lips gently and I licked up, tasting her on my tongue, and my body tensed with desire as she moaned. She clenched my head between her thighs as I slid my tongue along her pussy, flicking her clit, delving inside of her, and my own arousal grew with hers as I tilted her hips up to push my tongue deep inside of her, and she moaned my name, her hands pulling my hair painfully.

I wanted only to please her, to bring her the pleasure the can only be experienced with two people who connect, two people who can lose themselves in each other, abandoning their disguises and their shields, inside of each other, open and ready to be hurt.

I sucked her clit between my lips and rolled my tongue along it, making her body shudder and her thighs twitch. She groaned and I knew I had her. She had me. I flicked her clit leisurely, increasing my pace as I felt her passion growing, her hips tilting towards me, whispering my name, wanting to hear her say it again and again, each time punctuated by that moan, her thighs pressing against my cheeks, my hands sliding up her body to her breasts. I flicked her clit and she grabbed my head, holding me against her, her body tight, back arched, and I heard my name, drifting in the air, drawn out in a long groan, slithering down my spine, between my legs to wrap around my cock, spreading through my body like the climax through her body.

We were locked together for what seemed an eternity, not long enough, her body tense and shuddering at the end of my tongue, her hands pulling my hair, holding me completely still, her orgasm drawn out in a tight line between us, and then she took a deep breath and her body fell back into the bed.

She started to pant and loosened her grip on my head. I slid my tongue along her wet pussy once more, pushing between her swollen lips, and I needed to be inside of her, my desire unleashed like a caged animal, and I climbed up her body, staring down at her hungrily as she recovered, her glazed eyes staring up at me, moving over her, my cock agonizingly hard, just wanting to feel her around me, plunge into her and take her, take her as she lay beneath me bathed in her orgasm, and then I felt my cock slide along her pussy, my hips between her thighs, hovering over her.

I was about to dive into her, split her wide and take her, a growl rumbling in my throat, when she grabbed my cock and stopped me, held me hovering over her, my cock head pressed between her lips, almost inside of her. I glared down at her, my body trembled, and I wanted to pull her hand away, push her down into the bed, and find the release I could only find deep inside of her, but her lips turned up in a smirk, chiding me, loving me. She leaned up to kiss me and I fell into the kiss, concentrating my desire for her between our lips, her lips soft and full, and she opened her mouth, her tongue touched my tongue, and I groaned as her fingers slid down my cock, brushing the head.

Then, I fell onto my back as she pushed me over and climbed on top of me, our lips locked together, her hand grasping my cock firmly. I sank back into the bed. I sank into her kiss. She controlled my desire and laid me out on the bed. I could only succumb to her.

I opened my eyes as she broke the kiss and I saw her move down my body, her lips caressing my chest and stomach, her eyes looking back at me, as she moved down the length of my body, her breasts brushing my cock, her fingernails dragging down my chest, making my back arch, leaving long red scratches in my skin. I felt her lips kiss the wet tip of my cock and her nails moving down my thighs. I pushed my head back into the mattress, my eyes closed tight, every nerve awaiting her next touch.

Her tongue slid along the length of my cock from the base to the tip and my fingers dug into the sheets, willing her to take me in, to not tease me, oh please tease me, drive me wild, and I couldn't think, could only feel, and I sighed in relief as her lips closed around the head of my cock. I wanted to push my cock into her mouth, but her fingers dug into my thighs, her legs were wrapped around my legs, and she held me down, as she circled the head my cock with her tongue.

I opened my eyes and looked down at her, her body hunched over me, her hair dangling down to brush my thighs, my cock held firmly between her lips, and watched as she lowered her head down its length, my cock slipping deeper into her mouth, her tongue sliding along it, forcing a groan through my clenched teeth. Her hands slid up my body as she started moving my cock in and out of her mouth, her hair tickling my hips.

She looked up at me and smiled around my cock before plunging it into her mouth again, making my body clench. Her fingernails dug into my chest as I felt her lips wrap around the base of my cock. I lay my hands on her head as she pumped her head up and down, not wanting to control her, just wanting to feel her moving, feel her around me, and I growled as I felt her nails break through my skin, and my hips shot up wildly until I thought I would explode inside of her mouth, empty myself deep into her throat, but she suddenly pulled away from me, my cock feeling cold in the exposed air, wet with her saliva.

She whispered to me as she climbed up my body, her eyes locked with mine, her legs straddling me, her breasts hanging over me, and the anticipation caught in my throat, knowing that I would be inside of her, feeling her cunt wrapped around me, and I could barely breathe as she sat up, her thighs around my waist, her hair drifting about her face and shoulders, her nipples hard, a smirk across her wet lips, my cock standing erect, pointing towards her pussy.

I slid my hands up her taut thighs to her waist and wanted to pull her down onto me, plunge into her and end the suspense, to finally be inside of her, but she resisted me, and sat there hovering over me, watching me, enjoying her torture, and I glared back at her, caught between letting her tease me or taking her, feeling the lust raging inside of me, and I wanted to roar and cry at the same time, frustrated, enraged.

I grabbed my cock and thrust up into her as she sank down to meet my thrust and we both sighed as her cunt unfolded around me, feeling the tension dissolve quickly into ecstatic release. Her pussy was tight, but giving, allowing my cock to move into her firmly, and we matched each other with small thrusts as my cock sank into her further and deeper until I was buried entirely within her and she was resting on my hips, her legs spread wide around me.

She leaned forward, her hair hanging over her face, and I rose to meet her with a kiss, her hands on my cheeks, our mouths open. I caressed her breasts as she started to move my cock inside of her, grinding against me slowly, and I shuddered as she moaned in my mouth.