Elmer & Ethel: Evolution of Man

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Humorous look at what could have been.
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As I sat on my couch one evening watching that scathing documentary, "Mascara – Beauty Aid or Government Cover-up?", I noticed my dog doing what dogs do. By now, everyone has heard that old saw – "Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they CAN!". While I admired his dexterity, it led me to wonder what if..... it's amazing how many of my 'what ifs' are centered on my crotch .... What if man could do that? So, I did what every red blooded American male does – pulled my hand out of my waistband and went to the computer to Google it.

My research uncovered some of the most amazing, and yes, even disturbing, information possible. Deep within the bowels of the Museum of Science, Industry, and Useless Information in Brussels, I uncovered a 17th century study conducted by a sociologist named Verner VanBinklestein. (Note to self: Never, ever go into the bowels of anything ever again). VanBinklestein had translated some ancient scrolls, long lost in the Babylonian garbage dumps, that may change the way we look at the world forever.

These scrolls put forth the scientific proof that before Adam, before Eve, God had, in fact, created a different model of human being. Think of it as a prototype – God tried out a few variations, tested a few ideas, ran them up the flagpole, so to speak – though I doubt there were many flagpoles in Heaven then. (We know that has changed, because there has to be a place to hang all those Green Bay Packers flags He is so fond of).

God's first model was named Elmer. Elmer was just like Adam, with one small exception: his penis wasn't mounted between his legs, it was on his left shoulder! It was God's opinion that, given the dark and mysterious places Elmer would be sticking that thing, it was best that Elmer be able to see where he is going!

So, there it was, pointing forward, ready for action, and apparent for all to see. Ladies – think how easy it would be to pick a mate! No more studying feet, or fingers, or noses – no more guessing at what prize awaited you, only to find it is a pair of Nike sweat socks. You would know immediately! Feel like a kielbasa tonight? Call Eric! Maybe a Vienna sausage is more to your taste? Call Alvin. A redwood log? Call Daniel – but call early, because he is always booked!

So, once God had Elmer all set up in the Garden of Eden, He sent him a helpmate, a companion, a girl named Ethel. Ethel, befitting the expected union, had her sexual apparatus on her right shoulder – perhaps the origin of the saying "rubbing shoulders with someone".

Elmer and Ethel got along well enough, but there didn't seem to be that magic spark between them. God wasn't worried, though, because He knew that He had instilled in Elmer two things: 1) A need for sexual release, and 2) the ability to ignore everything sane and logical when confronted with a chance to get laid (a trait that seems to have survived the generations). So, God just sat back and waited.

Elmer, true to his calling, soon began to feel the need for release, the desire of his spire, the tingle in his dingle. Sure enough, he found Ethel by the campfire, contentedly munching on berries. Though not particularly lovely, she was just what Elmer wanted in a woman --- breathing. He went to her, whispered sweet nothings in her ear, and suggested they retire to the cave. Ethel, true to her instincts, told him she would love it, but if he wanted any shoulder, he had to take the garbage over the hill first.

As is the wont of all men, Elmer would have done anything to get a little of Ethel. So, he grabbed up the garbage and stomped over the hill. Dropping the garbage on the ground, he hurried to run back to Ethel. As he spun, however, his penis swung, smacking him in the cheek. And history was made – or as we will see, not made.

About twenty minutes later, Ethel began to become concerned. Elmer had not returned. Maybe he had been attacked by wild animals, or maybe that evil snake that was always hanging around ate him. Elmer was looking for a little action – she knew he would have run back like a little puppy if he thought he would get some. Something terrible must have happened to him!

As she searched for him, high and low, the fear began to grow. After checking the garbage dump, Ethel started toward the river. Elmer always liked to stand there and throw rocks at the fish. There he was! He's okay! What's he doing? Oh no! I can't believe it.

There was Elmer, casually resting against a rock. But, he was licking his balls! Why would he do that? That's disgusting! Ethel's head was spinning – what kind of pervert had God fixed her up with, anyway? She had to figure out a way to stop this nonsense. She had to get control of this situation. And, as all women do, she knew just how to get Elmer's attention. Sashaying across the clearing, she strutted her stuff – giving him that 'come hither' glance – that extra flounce of the hip – pulling her shoulders back to better present her assets to him.

But, Elmer, entranced in the task at hand – or tongue, if you will – paid no heed. He contentedly nuzzled, and pushed, and licked. He looked like a trained seal balancing a ball on his nose. Ethel was a mere distraction to the pleasure he was feeling, to the euphoria he was creating. He could feel the tingle, the desire, and he didn't even need to take out the garbage to get it!

Needless to say, Elmer, enamored with his new toy, wasn't much use in the Garden after that. He ignored Ethel's overt ministrations, as well as God's plea to go forth and multiply. One-on-none met his needs. God, frustrated with this obvious flaw in the prototype, removed Elmer and Ethel, went back to the drawing board, and came up with Adam and Eve.

Now, this was the end of the story, but I couldn't get it out of my mind. What if they had survived? What if man today was built that way? What changes would have occurred? How would our lives have been different? Let's explore this further.

MAN'S EVOLUTION

Some suggest that we would not have evolved at all. Who wants to conquer new territory, when you can stay in the cave and play with your dingwha? Who cares about building a new nest? I'd rather stay here and play. Kill mammoths? Sorry – takes too long – I'm scheduled for a nuzzling at 6.

The only reason I want fire is to keep my nose warm! Nothing like a cold nose to kill a good night alone.

Want to have children? Sorry, lady – if you want some of this, you better get your butt out there and earn your keep. Kill a sabertooth or something – you want some of this, baby, you better bring me lots of robes or meat or something.

I think it is safe to surmise that man's evolution would be vastly different and much slower, when you consider that the average male would spend 10-12 hours a day nuzzlin' and nibblin'.

RISE AND FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE

What Roman Empire? Why would I want to go out and try to conquer another country, when I can stay here by the fire, and get off in the best mouth in town? They would have to invent a whole new abacus in order to keep track of the seed spilled in onanistic endeavors by all the men of Rome.

Coliseum? Who cares? Let the damn lions lick their own balls.

That portrait of Manny Lisa? Everybody knows why he is smiling!

Venus de Milo? That no-armed witch wouldn't give me any shoulder!

HANNIBAL AND HIS ELEPHANTS

"You want me to climb on that elephant, and march thousands of miles over what mountains? Do you know how heavy an elephant walks? Why, with all that herking and jerking, I could bite myself clean off. No thanks!"

KING ARTHUR AND THE ROUND TABLE

"Ok, boys! You are my knights! I want you to go forth and advance my kingdom, bring order to the world. What? You won't do that? Why not? You're worried that one of those visors might fall down and cut it clean off? Lancelot, quit sucking on that and tell these boys they must fight for the honor of their king and queen! Guinnivere? You want her? Go ahead! Who cares? Her shoulders are too broad for me anyway! I think she has rubbed shoulders with every knave in town."

COLUMBUS' TRIP TO THE NEW WORLD

Hello, chief! Thanks for your welcome to the new world. I really like your national anthem – "Put Your Head On My Shoulder!" Actually, we weren't expecting to find you here. We were headed to the Indies! We kinda just run into your continent. Seems my lookout was "looking" over the wrong shoulder.

THE LEWIS AND CLARK EXPEDITION

"Wow, Merriweather! You're right! It does stand up higher at altitude!"

EXPANSION INTO THE WEST

"Sure gives a whole new meaning to 'smoking the peace pipe', don't it, chief?"

THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION

"You made a machine to gin cotton? I'll show you some cotton balls! Look at these babies!"

THE STOCK MARKET CRASH

"Who cares? I still got me!"

SPACE TRAVEL

"Wow! This weightless thing is too neat! It stays up even when it ain't!"

THE ELECTION OF 2000

"Al, I think your habit of grabbing people by the shoulder is costing you votes."

THE FALL OF IRAQ

"You know, Sarge, that statue of Saddam has the smallest shoulders I have ever seen!"

So, I think it is safe to surmise that our world would have been much different if it hadn't been for Elmer and Ethel – and the garbage. Oh well, time to take things in hand and get back to the TV. But, the next time you brush against someone on the subway, or in the airport, think how it could have been if Elmer has just given Ethel a little shoulder once in a while.

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4 Comments
AnonymousAnonymous9 months ago

Love the cascades of one-liners as well as overall zaniness.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
I fear to ask, but...

just how did you come up with this idea? I'm not judging, I know everyone, including me, has crazy ideas from time to time. It's just that it is so rare to find someone who writes those crazy ideas down, especially with the style that you do. I couldn't stop laughing, I'm sure that the next week will be filled with giggles whenever I 'accidentally' knock into someone. Please continue to write down any more random brilliance that pops into your head, you have a mind custom built for bringing laughter through philosophy. Go Elmer and Ethel!

widespreadinterestswidespreadinterestsabout 19 years ago
Cute and clever

An almost perfect example of what the Lit humor category should contain. I only wish it had been a bit longer, and a bit more detailed in the descriptions. But then I am a bit of a pervert.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 19 years ago
LIGHTHEARTED

very funny. Thanks.

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