Elton John Fanfic 02 - The Truth

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Elton John and his lyricist Bernie have a deep moment...
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Circa 1983. (Contains gay love. Deal with it.)

The commotion had been far too long gone since just about everybody was leaving the recording studio. It was 9pm, and the whole crew was headed out for their delayed dinners. Elton, on the other hand, had himself perched up on a lanky, turquoise stool, sitting tall and lean like a he owned a director's chair. He was totally content with staying in the studio a little longer- practicing more new songs on his own and maybe for a little silence to cure his piece of mind as well.

He heard the last person make their rounds to the door and open it, and for an unknown reason Elton was compelled to make them stay a little bit longer.

"Hey, Bernie?" Elton peeked his head around the corner to find his best friend and lyricist bundled up in his furry brown winter jacket. He was just heading out the door when Elton reached out and grabbed his shoulder, a weak grin across his face.

"Why don't you stay with me a little longer?" He politely suggested.

Bernie turned his head and looked up at Elton- he was always slightly taller than him, even without his ever-so magnificently tall boots. Elton had always liked the height his boots have given him on stage. He felt bigger than life, bold and in control. But when he was amongst his friends, like now, he didn't quite mind lowering his height a few inches for a little comfort.

"I have to eat somethin', E." Bernie paused for a moment and looked at the floor, lost in a thought. "Could I come back in an hour?"

Elton smiled a little more and patted his friend's shoulder. "Sure, thanks Bernie."

There was a certain slight glow in Elton's eye, that almost seemed to glisten. Bernie assumed it was the positioning of the lighting, but he swore that maybe there was something more to that shine. It just seemed too abnormal to him.

As he turned towards the door again and began to leave, Bernie took one more glance at Elton's bright-eyed baby face. He looked like he was in anticipation; waiting for Bernie to say something more. So he did.

"What do you want me for, exactly?" He scratched his head.

Elton's eyes darted to the floor, but quickly raced back up to Bernie's face as if he was caught in the act of doing something suspicious. He smiled innocently, maybe to cover up a thought he didn't quite want to discuss or share.

"Oh you know, just somebody to uhh, keep me company while I write some songs."

"Elton, we never write songs together in the same room." Bernie said, "You know this."

Elton rubbed his chin, where he had a few small stubbles growing. He was too lazy to shave this morning.

"Oh, I don't mean for us to collaborate. I just wanna talk and have a good time while I write, you know?"

Bernie closed the door a little more, indicating that he was really about to leave. But he was still intrigued by the things Elton was saying. Why did he want him to stay? What was the real reason?

"Man, that's kinda weird. We just talked all day-"

"No, no no-" Elton interrupted abruptly, "Okay, the truth is, I just want to talk to you one on one about somehting, okay?" Elton suddenly dropped his smile to a frown to show that he was more serious about wanting Bernie's company. His friend understood this expression immediately, having known Elton for such a long time.

"Okay, okay, I promise I'll be back after a bite to eat." Bernie reassured him and began to close the door.

"Thank you, Bernie." Elton said most sincerely; an earnest tone in his voice.

It was almost 10 o'clock, and Elton had been at the piano the whole time, reading, writing, and revising some of the tracks for his upcoming album, "Too Low For Zero". He was particularly working on a somber, soft tune called "Cold As Christmas". It was one of his favorites on the album.

He took his hands off the keys and looked at the clock up above the doorway. It was 9:56pm to be exact, and Elton was too anxious for Bernie's arrival. He didn't know how else to pass time anymore, so he just thought about what he was going to say to him. And thought. And thought. And thought until he couldn't think anymore. Finally, he sat down on his tall, turquoise chair and leaned his head back and sighed. He stayed like that until he heard a soft knock on the door.

Elton jumped from his seat as Bernie slowly opened the door and peered into the room. It was quiet, peaceful and dark inside the recording studio. All to be heard was the ticking of the clock and the subdued voices of two lonely men.

"Hey E, I'm back as promised." Bernie spoke softly. He smiled at Elton, who was sitting patiently alone in his chair in the darkness. Elton smiled back and walked up to his friend. They closed the door and turned on a dim lamp.

"Thank you, really..." Elton sounded a bit desperate in his words, but soon changed the subject. "So where'd you go eat?"

"At that new restaurant down the road." He pointed in a direction out the window, "You know, that one with the funky name."

Elton chuckled and put his hand to his mouth politely, "You mean the one we can never remember the name to?"

"Yes, that one!" Bernie laughed with Elton for a little spur of the moment to liven things up before he really asked him what was on his mind.

"But anyway," Bernie touched Elton's hand, "What did you want to talk to me about?" He was a bit tense about what he might hear from Elton's mouth. He knew Elton was bound to say ridiculous things.

Elton suddenly sighed and took his friend's hand, dragging him slowly into a nearby lounge room. He insisted they had a chat in there on the big, luxurious black couches. Once they sat, he cleared his throat and tried to look at Bernie who was sitting beside him, but the nervousness in his veins took over and he had to look away. He knew it was time to confess it.

"Alright, Bernie." Elton began, "Does love ever frustrate you sometimes?"

Bernie's eyes lit up with laughter as he shouted across the tiny room, "Ooooh Elton, who is it now that you like? Another girl? A man? That broad we saw walking down the street yesterday?"

Elton wasn't laughing much though. He meant what he said.

"Nobody. Bernie, I'm asking you a question."

Bernie relaxed himself to stop his laughing and to speak, "Alright, well, does love frustrate me? Hell yes. Why do you ask that, E?"

Elton clenched his hands together and looked at his lap, then Bernie's brooding, kind eyes- over and over again in a nervous manner.

"Well I mean, I've just been kinda... stressed over something."

"...Love?" Bernie asked.

"..." Elton sighed deep from within his chest, "Yes."

Bernie scooted slightly closer to Elton, noticing he had a very distant, faraway look in his eyes.

"Are you alright?" He touched Elton's back.

"Yeah. Bernie?" He turned his head and looked into his friend's eyes. "Do you think about me?"

"What do you mean?" Bernie scratched his eyebrow, confused.

"Do you wonder about me and how I am?"

"Well of course, I mean not all the time but, I do care about you deeply."

"Really?" Elton looked up at him with big, hazel puppy-dog eyes.

"Yeah, why? What? Have I been neglecting you lately? Elton, I'm so sorry if I-"

"Nooo..." Elton blurted, "You're fine, I swear, it's me. I just..." He sighed and looked at the floor again, giving into a new thought. "Do you like me?"

"Elton, what's with these questions?"

"Don't ask why, please just answer!" Elton pleaded to him.

"Well..." Bernie thought for a moment, staring at the blank ceiling, "I mean as a brother, I like and need you a lot. You mean the world to me, y'know." He scooted himself beside Elton's body and wrapped his arm around his shoulder to comfort him. Elton took in the soothing hands of his friend like a kid eating icecream.

"So you love me, then?" Elton spoke low.

"Brotherly, maybe?" Bernie suggested.

Elton shook his head vigorously, "No. Do you love me?" He repeated.

Bernie slowly opened his mouth, ready to answer when Elton butted in again.

"No, nevermind. Just tell me, man, would you ever kiss me?"

"Uh, we've already kissed?"

"Those were barely kisses. Just silly pecks. I mean would you really, really go down and kiss me?"

Bernie began noticing the desperation in a Elton's voice, and really began to wonder. "Like, make out?" He asked.

"No, make love." He corrected him.

"You want to know if I'll have sex with you?"

Frustration filled Elton's voice, "Nooo Bernie, for chrissakes! Just my lips, would you lay with me for the night and kiss me?"

"Are you asking for us to do that tonight?" Bernie asked, deeply confused.

Elton blushed, and looked away from him, "Just to make love?" He whispered.

"Elton," Bernie leaned off his friend's shoulder and looked into his bloodshot eyes, "What is it that you want from me?"

Suddenly, Elton grew alarmingly silent. He was silenced by the question. How would he explain his feelings?

"Look, I- I just fantasize about loving you, sometimes. Man, I know it's weird; trust me, I know. But for some reason I just always have wanted to hold you for one night, just to love you like you were all mine. Just... once." He took a long look into Bernie's eyes.

"Y-you you mean like a one night stand deal?" Bernie raised an eyebrow.

"Lord have mercy, no, Bernie!" Elton jumped up and grabbed Bernie's shirt collar desperately, their faces nearly pressed against each other, "I don't want to have sex with you, I don't want anything from you! Nothing at all except for you to kiss me. Kiss me, Bernie!" He shouted his emotions out like his life depended on it.

Bernie looked at the couch, then the walls, and then Elton's sad blue eyes. Though they were actually hazel, they always looked ocean blue when he was going to cry.

"Reg, man... I'm... straight..." He whispered like it was a top secret.

Elton's voice began to crack, "But don't you love me?"

"More than anything." Bernie sighed.

"Then kiss me, please, I need you."

"You- you've always wanted to do this with me?" Bernie wondered.

"All the time- I just want to share my love with you... and feel yours back. Please?" Elton was tearing up a heartful of emotions now.

Bernie thought to himself for several minutes before making up his mind.

"I can't believe you love me like this." He said.

Elton wiped his eyes from the tears and touched Bernie's arm slowly, feeling his skin upon his fingers so longingly.

"It's because you're always here for me. You've loved and trusted me for forever. And- and I knew we weren't meant to be, so please, stay with me just for one night..." Elton desperately begged in Bernie's arms, "And show me at least once how love's supposed to be!"

Elton tried to fight back his tears so hard that his veins were slowly shaking from the tension. He couldn't fight to keep it all in much longer, especially when he touched Bernie's skin further up his arm. He didn't understand why he felt this way or what exactly he wanted to do with Bernie. He just just knew that he loved him so much that he just wanted to hold him tenderly in his arms; though with the way Bernie was reacting, it made Elton feel more like he was committing a crime. And not because he was gay, because he had accepted that, but because he was possibly risking their friendship to be broken. He wanted Bernie in a strange way.

"Please..." Elton begged again into a series of muffled whispers, "Just for the night..."

Bernie touched Elton back and rubbed his arm to comfort and console him even further. He never liked to see Elton so lost and saddened, so he tried his best to relieve the pressures in his heart.

"..." Bernie looked at Elton's eyes, then nose, then lips, and then back down onto his lap again. "Okay, I will, but..." He sighed and leaned in towards Elton a little, "It's going to be weird doing this with you."

"I know," Elton softly weeped, "We never tried anything like this before. But..." He swallowed, "What could go wrong? With the both of us together, we have never done anybody harm."

Bernie found a strange comfort in Elton's words. He did speak the truth, and for some odd reason he felt deeper in his chest a buried feeling lying underneath. He wasn't too sure what the feeling was, but he suspected that maybe after all, he too had feelings for his friend. But it still seemed a bit out of the ordinary to suddenly kiss this man.

"You're okay, right?" Elton looked into Bernie's eyes as he was indulged into an intense trance.

"Y-yeah. You'll be patient with me, right? I just, I just..." He stuttered to find the words, "Never made love to a man before."

Elton knew in his heart right away that this wasn't the real reason why Bernie was troubled. He knew Bernie didn't care much for kissing a man, even though he was straight. He was pretty open about love like that. Elton knew it was becuase he would be kissing him. His best friend for nearly 20 years. They waited 20 long years for a moment like this, and he knew they would both be thrown off by the awkwardness a bit.

"Yeah, of course, I won't do anything you don't like." Elton formed a small smiled from the edges of his lips and turned towards Bernie. They were already touching each other's arms, now it was time for their lips.

They stared into each other's eyes for a while, absorbing the calming silence of the room and their company. It was both sweet and romantic in a way, the two of the friends trying to get to know each other on a such a private, loving level. It was Elton who took the first move, shyly placing his rough hand around Bernie's neck and bringing him closer to his body... but he felt resistance. Resistance from within Bernie. Elton paused for a second.

"Ready?" He whispered.

"Well Elton, I just-"

Elton put his other hand on Bernie's mouth to hush him like a kid, "Ssshhhhh.. shhhh..." He softly spoke near his ear, "You'll be okay."

Bernie felt like he was being treated like a boy under Elton's embrace, and yet he seemed to need his nurturing. He almost liked it. He had never seen his friend quite so... caring before. He was always a generous, kind man, but now he would come to discover what kind of man Elton really was. The kind of man who was vulnerable to the love of another.

Bernie began to shake internally, though you couldn't tell. He felt torn inside, but not broken, if it made any sense at all. It's wasn't that he didn't want Elton, it's just he didn't know how he wanted him.

"Man, you're going to kiss me." Bernie didn't even feel his own lips move when he spoke.

"Yes I am." Elton smiled back, closing his eyes and moving just few more inches closer to Bernie's neck and head.

"And you'll be kissing me." Elton correct the statement.

"W-well you'll be easy-goin', right?" Bernie wasn't so sure why he felt so stressed and afraid, but he did. Even Elton was a bit nervous, and he'd kissed and even had sex with plenty of men before. It was just going to be a brand new experience for him and Bernie. They had both come to realize that.

"Of course, listen..." Elton brought Bernie up to his chest and pressed his forehead against his his gently, "Don't think. Just put your arms around me, touch me, feel me, and everything will be alright. Trust me. You have to trust me."

His words lingered in Bernie's ear as they moved closer and closer to each other's lips. Elton ad closed his eyes, and grabbed Bernie's arms. He put them around his waist. And then Elton put his own hands around Bernie's neck and cuddled him beside his heart. Bernie however, was too anxious to completely close his eyes all the way. He kept peeking, staring at the man's lips, cheek and neck in front of him. He was more bewildered than anything, but then remembered the words whispered in his ear.

"I have to trust him." He thought, knowing that they were now putting 20 years of unconditional love and friendship to the test.

Bernie lifted his head up towards Elton's chin, and Elton tilted his head down, and Bernie finally closed his eyes. He could feel Elton's hands gently touching and rubbing his neck, feeling his skin all the way up to his cheeks. He was a bit too nervous himself to touch Elton yet, so he felt the things Elton did to him to learn instead.

They were silent. Elton simply touched and massaged Bernie's head and neck with his arms gently, trying to ease into the kiss as promised. He felt so very happy to have Bernie finally in his arms in the way that he longed for, in a way he could truly feel in his heart. But he still wondered if Bernie felt the same way.

Elton leaned down a little further and kissed Bernie's forehead, and then lowered himself to be level with his friend's lips. He noticed that Bernie's eyelids were flinching, as if he was trying to open them or take a peek.

"Close your eyes." Elton whispered, breathy and lightly into a small moan. Bernie listened, and the flinching had stopped. Then Elton made his move.

He could feel Bernie jump a little as he pressed his lips next to his, and he thought he wasn't expecting it. But Bernie stayed there, motionless, as if he was waiting for the kiss to be over with. Elton's nose bumped into Bernie's and he couldn't find the right position to kiss him at. He just couldn't reach Bernie's bottom lip with their noses in the way. So Elton shifted to the side, and hoped that Bernie would move to the other side, so they could fully touch their lips, but he didn't move as expected. Elton's nose just rubbed against Bernie's lips foolishly until he got lost within the kiss and gave up. He wasn't moving his head nor lips.

"Hey," Elton said, leaning a little back, "What's wrong?"

Bernie opened his eyes and stared at Elton blankly, "Something's... wrong?"

"Y-you're not moving, y-you're not.. kissing me." Elton stuttered, puzzled at his friend's strange actions.

"I'm... sorry." Bernie sighed, "I'm just... scared."

"Scared?" Elton's eyes grew very big, and he touched Bernie's arm, "Don't be sorry. Scared?" He repeated.

Bernie nodded.

"Of what? Of me?"

"No." Bernie frowned, "No, I love you."

Elton held his breath for a second, then exhaled slowly, "If, if you love me, then how come you won't kiss me?"

Bernie couldn't believe himself at the moment. Deep feelings for Elton had suddenly emerged out of the blue, and his eyes watered until wetness trickled down his cheek. "I don't know, Reg, I don't know how to love you!"

Elton was stunned, completely overwhelmed by the sudden emotions Bernie had spilled out on the two of them. It was only fair now that Elton shed a few tears, too. He just didn't know what else to do.

"Look," Elton grabbed Bernie and began to hug him beside his chest again, "There's nothing here to be afraid of. Really-" Elton began to feel their hearts beating together, and it began to make him cry, "It's nothing different than kissing a girl. It's just lips, Bernie, but lips you can... can trust."

Bernie looked up at Elton once more, and he weakly smiled with glossy tears in his eyes. He sighed, and then told Elton he was ready to try again.

"So let's try that one more time." Elton laughed a little, putting his arms back around Bernie's neck again, "I'll go even easier."

They fell silent again, and Elton guided Bernie's body into a position he wanted him to be in. He laid his head back against a pillow so he could be comfortable as Elton kissed him. It was just a little kiss, but it seemed like a first kiss for them all over again. And in a way, it sort of was. There was so much love to be given and shared between them throughout the night.

Elton was extremely gentle and careful not to touch Bernie anywhere yet except for his face. He was hesitant to do anything that would make Bernie or himself regret the night. He just hoped he could do everything right for Bernie, as well as have some pleasure for himself as well. It was difficult, very difficult for him. Just touching Bernie's cheeks made him dream of his lips even more, and he couldn't believe before his eyes that he would finally have a chance to give his love to his friend. He was both nervous and delighted to actually be able to do something like this with him.

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