Epiphany At An Epiphany Party

Author's note: This is an note to self I am sharing. There is no sex but lots on my own sexuality. I love adventure, but my wife only needs the traditional needs. She knows nothing about any of my sexuality adventures and would divorce me if she did find out about one of the hundreds.

** Dancing with Ladies **

I swing dance socially. I am used to going up to women and asking them to dance. They never say no to dancing. I get to see them move, to playfully flirt (not a serious, maybe-come-home-with-me which has not happened to me in these dance circles). Part of my lizard brain always asks the question: what would she be like in bed? Being a liberal humanist, I nearly always say "I bet we would have fun." If I do connect personally and we do create a fun move or two, I get to bring her into closed position. Torso to torso, we move in unison just like one does during sex. My shirt to her blouse, wet with dance sweat. I know where her thigh is, her hips, which breast is pressing against my chest. Some guys will mash the tit, but I recall how one lady complained about that to me, so now I only press against her breast lightly, so aware that I am doing that. The hands must not do anything creepy. That would break the silent contract about the dance being a safe place for more than the usual form of bodily contact.

I know there is a faction of the sissy community that says "no" to girls, no to girl tits and girl pussy. I can still lust for women and be very, very, very dedicated to making men happy through their cocks. But it is just way too complicated to even think about enjoying a woman physically who is not my wife. I do on the dance floor, but no way anything more than that.

And men? I don't even look at them. Oh, I do a lot of work on line to meet up with guys and have intense man-to-man sex. I have been doing that for twenty years. The sex is natural, so easy to do, and not complicated. I find out what he loves to do the most, then do that. Works like a charm.

In all the years I have hooked up with men - two of them as steady fuck buddies, two of them as male lovers - they were either "normal" guys or macho. Pop culture makes fun of feminine men and drag queens, but I did not see one out in the "wild". So many of the gay-sex-now hookup profiles stress that the guy is masculine and wants a masculine partner. Never saw that in pop culture, but it works so well in the bedroom. I still remember feeling strong and masculine in Martin's bed as he fucked me, on my back, ankles in the air, abs and chest tight, arms flexed, putting a huge effort into clamping down on his cock. As I am getting this manly workout fuck, I an thinking, how can this be manly? I am getting fucked up the ass and want it deeper. I was a strong bottom, not afraid to enjoy it which my strong orgasm proved. That was a macho fuck, something I still will do if given the chance.

As a part of my sexual exploration fun, I stopped into gay chat rooms. My handle was KissAndFuckMA, pretty manly. I saw someone with "CD" in their name, thought it would be fun to chat with her. We had a long chat that kept me hard for the entire time. I had fun with the idea of dressing to look fuckable. All the images I had collected on Tumblr were of macho men having athletic sex. But once I started to see a few images of sissies, well, I had to start a new blog (ladieswithcocks). I loved the idea of doing everything I could to get a man to explode with passion.

** Men at the Epiphany Party **

It is apparently the "end of Christmas", so this Italian friend throws a party. My family gets invited because we are part of his dance circle of friends. Thing is, he invited no other dancers to the party, picking sailing friends or the rock climbers. I knew no one else. This looks like a disaster. My wife and I heard another couple complaining about what their kid ate. This was an easy conversation to join. The other wife was in nothing fancy mom cloths, a little overweight as is so common. He had an Apple watch and was fit and trim. And my brain said only to myself I love having sex with guys whose bodies are just like mine. It feels more intimately homosexual to be the shift roles rumbling in bed. He seams like the sensitive type who would spend the amount of time needed for frottage (cock against cock) while kissing. I was like, wtf? That is not my normal kind of discussion inside my head.

I went in a fruitless search of food. I have to avoid gluten which was not going to happen with all the pasta and breaded chicken. The host sister was taking about breading the chicken, not something I cared about. I heard someone mention the state of Colorado, so went over to trade stories of that state. He was a big guy, at least six feet two, might have weighed seventy pounds more than me. This would be a big man/twink sex situation, but I am an athletic twink and LOVE feeling all that weight as part of our sex.

Oops, there I go again. This might be the new normal. Just like in the social dancing, I did nothing overtly sexual. This was about what was going on internally. I have been writing erotica about being a crossdresser. We said our good-bye's to the host, the Italian guy. He had a barrel chest, so much volume to his torso, so strong and manly that I would do anything he needed. No one would have noticed a thing about that goodbye, but my mind hand crossed a line. Later that night when I touched myself scrolling through sissy porn on Tumblr, it just felt more right.