Eternally Bound Pt. 02

CHAPTER 9 -- A DIVINE FEAST

The next morning I woke before Shannon, quietly got out of bed and went into her kitchen. Looking through the pantry and refrigerator, I found the ingredients to make a decent breakfast. Before long I had bacon grilling and a cheese and broccoli omelet underway.

Shannon wandered into the kitchen, combing her hair back with her fingers.

"What's going on here?" she asked, smiling.

"I thought I'd thank you by making you breakfast," I explained.

"Very thoughtful. That's the kind of thing that will get you points."

She made coffee and we sat down in the living room with our plates.

"So, back to your mother," Shannon began. "Don't try to come on too strong, Chris, and don't worry about being perfect. Remember that a woman needs to be needed and wants to be wanted. Be yourself and don't torture yourself by trying to get her in the sack."

I wrote those words in my notebook and repeated them to myself like a mantra.

"Oh, and for God's sake, don't be stupid and leave obvious clues around, like having porn sites bookmarked on your laptop or tablet. That's going to be tasteless to a sophisticated woman like your mother, and that's no way to win her over. Use the incognito browsing feature for that stuff," she warned.

"Damn, I wouldn't have even thought about that," I said, making a note. "Should I change the way I dress or talk?"

"Well," Shannon said thoughtfully, "a lot of older women appreciate a beefy young hunk. I'd get some weights for the basement and work out regularly. Make sure you let her see you doing it, and be proud of your accomplishments. Show them off by going around without a shirt. You'll be tempting her, whether she realizes it or not."

I was in pretty good shape already, but this was an idea I could get behind. Girls my age had always responded well to my physique and I hoped Mom would do the same. I imagined her touching my pecs, telling me how hot they were...

"Chris?"

I looked over at Shannon. She was laughing.

"Where were you?"

"Sorry... what were you saying?" I asked sheepishly.

"I was asking about your mother's social life. Does she have a lot of professional connections? Many personal friends?"

"Oh. I'm not exactly sure, to be honest," I answered. "I've never gotten involved in her professional or social circles. Even in our family mom's not really close to anyone but me."

"Well, don't start now. Once you win her over, her entire life will change, as will yours. And she won't need the added stress of having to field awkward questions from her colleagues and friends," Shannon explained. "The fewer complications, the better. Part of her may still have moral objections, so make it as easy as possible for her to make the adjustment. Just remember, babe: It won't happen overnight."

"Makes sense."

"Oh, and make sure there are no pictures of you in her office or around the house."

"I think she has a baby picture of me at work, but that's it," I told her.

She nodded. "If her friends are coming to the house, find an excuse not to be there. Once she accepts you as her partner, no one will think anything of it when she introduces you-and she will, trust me."

We chatted a bit more, and I scribbled as much as I could into my notebook. Most of it was common sense, but some of Shannon's insights were real eye-openers. Her final suggestion was that I contact Mom and see how she was doing. Selfishly, all I could think of was getting things on the fast track.

"Patience, Chris. Patience," Shannon cautioned.

I nodded. Shannon was right. Christmas break was only a few weeks away and I had a lot to think about in order to ensure that everything was perfect for my trip home.

CHAPTER 10 - A LITTLE PATIENCE

The crisp fall weather always seems to make people more affectionate. It was a week before Thanksgiving break, and all around me were couples holding hands, sharing dinners and being openly flirtatious. It was driving me absolutely insane. Thankfully, though, my adventures with Shannon had helped quell the all-consuming urges that had now redefined my life. Although I never admitted it to her, I was growing impatient with my lack of progress with Mom, and I began getting a little reckless.

I had about an hour of downtime at school that day, so I re-examined the data from the questionnaire I had sent for Shannon's class. Perusing the data fields, I noticed I could match the answers from the questionnaire to the IP addresses from each responder, meaning that I could see my mom's answers to each question.

Question 12: Have you ever considered a family member as a romantic partner? Yes No

Mom had selected "Yes."

Question 14: If you answered "Yes" to Question 12, what was, or would be, the nature of that partnership? 1. One-time encounter 2. Youthful fling/experimentation 3. Committed, long-term relationship 4. Other

Mom had answered 2 and 3.

I could have died right there. At long last, this was the breakthrough I needed. Mom felt the same way I did. I printed off Mom's answers and raced to Shannon's office, bursting through the door to find her on the phone. I paced about her office until she finished.

"She's in love with me!" I exclaimed. "I knew it!"

Shannon leapt up, thrilled by my news. "No way!"

"Look," I said excitedly, handing her the printout of the questionnaire answers. "Mom answered questions 12 and 14."

Shannon's expression turned sour. I could tell she wasn't convinced.

"Honey," she began. "This doesn't say it's you she's thinking of. It could be another relative, a brother..."

"What?!" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "How can you say that? This tells me she's thought about an incestuous romance and is willing to give it a shot!"

"Slow down, honey," she pushed back. "This doesn't mean she's waiting for you. All this really means is that she has considered it, but NOT necessarily with you."

"How do you know that?" I fired back, not wanting to accept Shannon's words and go back to square one.

"Because the data here is inconclusive."

"This is a matter of the heart. Data and all that bullshit mean nothing," I sulked.

Shannon could tell I was being irrational, and she was clearly having none of it. "Then by that line of thinking, these answers don't amount to anything."

"But wait-"

Shannon came around from behind her desk. "Babe, listen to me," she started. "It's a great start. No one doubts that. But at the end of the day, it's not enough to race out to San Diego with an engagement ring."

I let out a long sigh, plopping down onto the couch where Shannon joined me. She could tell I was crushed.

"I know it's frustrating and you want nothing more than to confess everything to her."

"I want her so bad."

"I know babe, I know," Shannon assured me, rubbing my leg gently. "It's not going to be easy, but we have to stick to the plan."

I let my head fall back against the couch, looking up in despair. This was so damned aggravating.

"I just don't see the need to wait," I said. "Every day without her is a day lost."

"And I agree, but you have to understand this is not your typical relationship, Chris. This is something completely out of the ordinary and hard for people to accept as an idea, much less agree to in reality. It's a lot to take in."

After talking me down off the ledge, Shannon treated me to a great evening out with dinner and a movie. I understood what she was saying and reluctantly agreed that she was right. We revisited our plan over dinner: I would focus on checking in with Mom over Thanksgiving and maybe even have a Skype video chat with her.

CHAPTER 11 - GIVING THANKS

I texted Mom on Thanksgiving Day while Shannon was off seeing her family in Cincinnati. We settled on 10pm that night for our Skype chat, and I was a ball of nerves and had no appetite for most of the day. This would be the first time I would see Mom's beautiful face in almost eight months; the first time since my revelation.

Our chat finally came and Mom was late to the call. Of course, this heightened my paranoia that mom was on to something or maybe she had a new man in her life. Of course, it was all silly as mom signed on about 10 minutes later, saying she had some friends over for dinner. I could tell she was a little nervous, but so was I. But there she was, my gorgeous mother in all of her golden glory. Dressed in a strapless black cocktail dress, her long tresses cascaded down her bare, supple shoulders. God, even seen through the lousy Skype technology Mom looked absolutely stunning.

The conversation started simply enough as I did my best to reign in my hormones. Shannon had given me one last bit of advice before leaving: Don't project your fantasies onto the moment. In other words, be myself and don't worry. After about 10 minutes of chatting I loosened up and our conversation took on a more relaxed tone.

"So hey, how are your classes so far?" Mom asked.

"Pretty good," I answered. "Not much drama; mid-terms were a real pain though."

"Oh yeah, that reminds me," she said nonchalantly. "What was with that questionnaire you sent back in September?"

My heart stopped. Here it was. And I couldn't believe she was the first to bring it up. I really thought I would have to be the one to work my way to it. I could feel my heart thrashing in my chest from the rush of it all.

"Oh that, yeah. I am so, so sorry mom. That was my mistake. I sent you an e-mail apologizing-did you get that?"

"I did," she replied. "But was it for a sexuality class or something?"

"Oh yeah, it was an elective and I just took it to round out my hours," I said, doing my best to diffuse any implied overtones.

"Well, I deleted it because I thought it was spam or something."

No she didn't. She'd answered it, all right-and I had the proof. She, too, was hiding something.

"Shit, I'm so sorry about that," I said. "I know that must have been weird coming from me."

"No, it's okay babe," she said. "I mean, it took me a while to remember back, but yeah."

Here was my chance.

"Back to what?"

"Oh, just back to before I met your dad and things," she said hesitantly.

"Whole different world then, eh?"

"No, I mean, not really. It just made me remember a few things and... well, you know..."

I wanted to push, but kept reminding myself of what Shannon would say or do here. I decided to back off.

The topic of conversation shifted, and for the next half hour Mom filled me in on all the gossip at work and the neighborhood drama. Then Mom excused herself for a minute. She returned to the computer with a tall glass of red wine and started playing with her hair as we fell into our favorite pastime: Sharing our thoughts.

"So, how's the love life?" she asked.

"Oh, well..." I began, caught off-guard by her question.

"Pretty good actually," I answered. "I'm seeing one of my professors."

I could tell Mom was perplexed by this. Mom always blinks and shakes her head whenever something strikes her as odd, and here she was doing just that. It was one of those little things I took notice of now as a man after her heart.

"Really?" she asked. "How did you... I mean, wow!"

"Yeah she's pretty cool too." I went on. "She's 35 and absolutely beautiful."

"Jesus, she's only two years younger than me!"

"Yeah, isn't that awesome?" I shot back.

"Well, I... I mean..." Mom didn't know whether to smile or scold me. I could tell she didn't quite approve, but inside, I knew this was a prime opportunity for me-for us.

"Hey now, you always said to be accepting and open-minded about everything."

"Yes I did," she conceded. "But wow, that's..." Mom's words trailed off and she seemed deep in thought.

"What? Tell me."

"It's just, I don't know. I didn't know you liked older women."

"Yeah, I know. But it's nice, because I can relate better to older mindsets," I explained.

"Oh I know, I always said you were older than your years," she said, still reeling from the shock. "Wow! I mean, congratulations honey. Maybe I can meet her sometime?"

"I'd love that. But you know Christmas is kind of our thing, our time."

"Yeah, you're right. You don't have to bring her home then, but just sometime."

"Sure," I said.

The conversation turned to arrangements for my flight home for Christmas, but Mom fortunately re-directed the topic again.

"Wow honey, you've really become quite the man this semester. My baby is all grown up. Dating a hot older woman, finding his place in this world."

"Oh Mom," I said bashfully, sensing opportunity. "It's really because of you. You had a hand in all this."

Oh, if she only knew how true that was.

Mom's voice grew faint as it always did when we spoke of our affections and love for one another.

"Oh baby," she whispered. "You're always the gentleman. Always so kind."

"Mom, you know that you'll always have a special place in my heart."

"I know, baby," she said. "You always say that and I love you for it."

There followed an awkward moment of silence unlike any she and I had ever shared. Maybe I was reading too much into it, but it felt like that moment when two people are so overcome with emotion that nothing is said but the silence speaks volumes.

"I have to tell you something, honey," Mom said, breaking the silence.

"That questionnaire you sent, well, it kind of made me remember something. You know... I mean, we all have things in our lives..." she added hesitantly. I leaned forward in my chair.

"...but I forgot about my cousin until I read your questionnaire," Mom said as she stumbled her way through her confession. "I kinda lied when I said I deleted it, but I know we always try to be honest and open with one another."

"That's the great thing about us, Mom," I said, trying to encourage her.

"Absolutely," she went on. Tears formed in her eyes.

"Mom, it's alright. We don't have to talk about it."

"Thank you, honey," she said, wiping away her tears. "It just gets so lonely here, you know?"

"I know," I said sadly.

"And then hearing you talk about this older woman and all, it just... I don't know. Sad."

Now I was seeing what Shannon had been saying all along. This wasn't just about me; it was about Mom. Hearing and seeing her so overcome with emotion melted away my selfish desires. I wanted to hold her and protect her. I wanted to ease her pain.

"Oh, Mom."

"Then that thing you sent, it just brought back so many memories and all."

"What do you mean?" I asked gently.

"Just... I don't know. Stuff, you know?"

"A lot to wrap your arms around, I'm sure."

"Yeah. It just brought back things, like, I don't know... feelings I used to have. Stuff before I met your father and all." She was still struggling to find the right words.

"It's alright, Mom, it's all good. What was that you used to say? 'No secrets, no shame?'"

Mom laughed despite the tears that had resumed flowing down her cheeks.

"Yeah, that's right," she smiled. "You're absolutely right. I just, you know... Do you remember my cousin Derin, your Aunt Kate's son?"

"Oh yeah, I remember," I said with gusto, seeing my opportunity. . "Nice guy."

"Yeah," she sighed heavily. "He was wonderful."

Bravery test. Here was my chance.

"Ah, so you and he were... kind of a thing?"

Mom nodded yes. "More," she said. "He was my first love."

Breakthrough! I could hear angels sing the Hallelujah chorus.

"Mom, there's nothing wrong with that."

Mom leaned forward, burying her head in her hands as she wept openly.

"I've never told anyone this," she sobbed. "I've just... oh my God, it's been so long."

"Mom, it's okay," I assured her, trying not to jump for joy inside. This was all about her now.

"No no no, it was all wrong." She added, "so much shame and guilt."

It took a few moments for Mom's pent-up grief and guilt to fade, but every word I spoke was supportive and understanding and without judgement. She went on to explain everything from the day she and her cousin experimented with kissing to the full-fledged, secret relationship they carried on until college where she met my father. I listened in absolute wonder as she described what sounded like the single greatest love affair ever told.

"Mom," I started. "This is where we unfortunately tag our feelings to shame and guilt because of what we're taught and conditioned to believe."

I had to step back and pat myself on the back. I was starting to sound like an adult.

Mom continued as I happily took it all in. She told me that their romance blossomed when they were teenagers living out their relationship with weekend getaways and quick, meaningful trysts after their parents went to bed. Mom and Derin lived in the same city but went to different high schools; they even managed to go to their senior prom together under the guise of a "no one else will take me" cover story to their parents. It was a classic but remarkable story of young, ill-fated love tragically shamed and eradicated by the religious zealots she and Derin had for parents.

The look on Mom's face was of wonder and bliss as she told me of their secret plans to move away to get married. Derin had even bought Mom a promise ring that she kept in her hope chest. But, as life often does, circumstances and reality tore them apart when Mom was coerced by my grandparents into marrying my father. Derin went on with his life as well, and the two hadn't spoken or seen each other in some time. It had gotten back to both sets of parents that Beth and Derin were seen kissing and dancing provocatively all night at their prom, and the budding romance between them was quickly stifled. Derin abruptly "realized his lifelong dream" of a military career and enlisted in the Navy. Less than a month later, Derin was at boot camp-brutally eradicated from my mother's life with no reason given. It would leave a scar so deep that Mom never forgave her parents, resulting in Mom's defiant act of becoming pregnant with me.

My lust was set aside as I heard this fascinating story of how I came to be. Shortly after being separated from Derin, Mom met my father at church; she admitted that she wanted to strike back at her parents by steering her life down a reckless path. Having lost her heart and virginity to her cousin Derin, Mom confessed that I was conceived in revenge, and that she had never loved my father. Her pregnancy was concealed up until she graduated, and then my grandparents sent Mom to Florida, where she could give birth to me in secret. The formerly hazy and cryptic story of my beginnings now came into clear focus. I was numb, unsure as to how I should feel. Here I was, expecting a full-on seductive chat, now finding that it had shifted into a painful yet truthful re-telling of my origins.

"But, son, I want you to know that when I had you, everything changed," Mom assured me.

"Believe me, when you become a parent you'll know exactly what I mean."

"Mom," I began. "I love you more than you'll ever know."

"And I love you, Chris," she vowed. "A son is always a mother's dearest love."

Mom and I Skyped for another two hours as she downed the entire bottle of red wine. She was very tipsy, but painfully honest and open about everything. Now it made sense why Mom never had much to do with my grandparents or any of our family. Whenever the conversation skirted toward the topic of sex with Derin, Mom would change the subject, until she finally admitted that she had never had better sex than with Derin.

"In fact, I always pretended it was Derin who was your real father, and I would imagine I was with Derin even when your dad and I had sex," Mom said. "We may have had sex but your father and I never made love."

The call ended around 2am my time, and it was one of the most interesting and revealing conversations I had ever had with anyone. I sat at the computer in a complete daze, trying to process what just took place. Mom had spoken to me as her equal, and it didn't occur to me until we signed off. I went to sleep that night imagining how lucky my 2nd cousin Derin must have felt making love to my mother. Surprisingly, I wasn't jealous or resentful. But as I went to sleep, I felt my mother's and my relationship had just turned a substantial corner.