Everything for the Career Ch. 05

(Thank to all for your patience.

Note that comments are more than welcome. You can comment on this story or send me an email via the link below. As usual, bricks and bouquets are welcome.)

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JENNIFER'S SIDE

The Orient Express. A name synonymous with luxury and travel. Myself and Arthur had discussed this so many times to be on this legendary journey by train. Arthur, in fact, was more adamant to travel on the same.

"It's a once in a lifetime thing Jenny. Let's do it. The memories will be cherished by us when we turn old." he would always say.

"Next year please, honey." would be my response. Every year. Since last 6 years.

Sadly, it was discontinued last year. Another promise that I could not keep to my Arthur. Another fine memory eaten up by my obsession with achieving the Vice Presidency. Another notch on my belt, of the many, of how I disappointed my Arthur. Another nail in the coffin of my marriage. And another reminder how really I was, out of touch with everything around me, when I approached my target to reach the coveted post of the Vice President, with a tunnel vision.

I had ignored my home. My marriage. My husband. Our memories. Our hopes, Our dreams. Our times that would be cherished.

Moments lost in time, never to come again.

And what was worse was every year, EVERY year, Arthur would trust me when I said 'Next Year'. He would smile, shrug off his disappointment, and still love me with the same fervor.

I was really a hopeless wife.

And honestly, there was not a single person in this world, however he or she may be, that I hated right exactly at this moment, more than myself.

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I jerked forward and put my hand up just in time to prevent my face from crashing on the front seat. The cabbie had put on his brakes so hard, if I was not really holding the hand rest with my other hand, I would have smashed my face in the glass.

The jerk brought me back to reality. I was in a cab. Wearing Arthur's favorite dress. Dressed in very minimal makeup, just as Arthur liked me to, going towards the seminar.

I don't know why, but I decided to go to the seminar in a cab. It would give me some time to think about my plan. My course of action. It would give me time to formulate a response to anything Arthur may say or any way he may behave there. I ran through different scenarios throughout the week. I.... I.... I should STOP THINKING THIS WAY!!

I was slipping back. Into the Vice President mode. STOP IT! I thought to myself. THIS is not the way to approach your marital life. This is NOT the way to win your husband. I had to be someone he had not seen in a long time, for 15 long years now. I had to be his Jenny. His wife. Not Jennifer. The Vice President.

I took a deep breath and cleared my head of all thoughts and anticipations. I would deal with myself and my behavior with Arthur as naturally as I could. And as a wife would. Not a banker running an international department. This was my husband. The most important person to me in this whole wide world. He deserved better. He deserved my respect, and the best way to show it to him was to respond to his questions or behavior as a wife, not as a banker readying for negotiations. No. There would be no negotiations. Just a wife begging her husband to take her back. Just a wife wanting to win the affections of the man she loved the most. Just a wife wanting to show, for once, how much she really cared about her better half. A wife. Not a Vice President. Not a banker. Just... a WIFE!

I had undergone intense international make-or-break negotiations with near heads of states, met, debated and won over multinational CEOs and dared to have bold ideas that led my bank forward, even if no one ever thought that they would bear fruition, without breaking into a sweat.

And here I was, getting down from the cab, nervous, with my hands literally shaking in anticipation. While my mind was a cloud of buzzing thoughts, one remained with me, and reared its face at me again and again. What if, WHAT IF, ultimately, Arthur did not realize how much I loved him? What if I could not convince him? What if... I really had lost him this time?

I felt nauseated.

A dizziness overcame me and I had to hold the side of the cab for support. My breath was coming in bursts and my whole body was shivering. My body temperature was going up. I was not this nervous since the day my father walked me down the aisle.

I steadied myself, and walked on my semi-flat heels towards the seminar entrance. I looked at the people there, joining me for the long walk from the sidewalk towards the venue of the seminar. I gritted my teeth. Forget asking Arthur for forgiveness, what would happen if he didn't even turn up?

I felt another wave of dizziness overcome me, but I slowed down my walking pace and breathed slowly.

I knew that cats purportedly have nine lives. And that God gives everyone an opportunity to redeem themselves. But on this day, as I made my way in the crowd towards the entrance of the seminar, I felt that I had run out of redemption opportunities. In my case, God had thrown opportunity after opportunity, and all I could do was use them up in furthering my career. I was sure God also had run out of patience with me. This time, there would be no redemption through opportunity. This time, redemption would come with a price. This time, I would have to go through hell and back. And even then, there was no guarantee that the grace would come.

I paused my pace. Looked up at the building where the seminar was going to be held. It looked like the place where I would have my final conflict. I gritted my teeth, hardened my resolve and walked towards the door. I decided then and there. If I could not, by any chance, have my Arthur, I swore I would do everything in my power to make sure he would get in his future life what he wanted.

So, I prayed. As I walked towards the seminar building, I prayed. Not for myself and my Vice Presidency. Not for my future as a wife who wants an opportunity from the heavens to make up to her husband for the heartaches she had caused, not as a woman seeking redemption from bestowing so much pain on her husband, but simply as a wife. A wife who wanted to put the happiness and good life of her husband before herself. A wife, for whom, for the first time in her life, her husband's happiness was the first priority. A wife, who would suffer gladly, if only her husband was assured happiness.

A wife. Who only thought about her husband and not about herself. A prayer. For my husband's happiness. Mine be damned.

I took a deep breath, pushed the steel and glass doors of the building and entered into the lobby of the building where the seminar was being held.

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Life, I realized, after a few hours at the seminar, was not a movie. Or, even a book.

I have to admit. Somewhere, someway, I hoped that this seminar would be the beginning of the solution to my problems. I had even thought about how this would end. And while my mind played out the negative results, you just cannot keep the human spirit down. Hope rises eternal. So I've heard. Only to be dashed. Again and again. THAT part, I have not heard.

So, for almost a FULL day. A full day, with a quick lunch, I kept an eye out for Arthur.

I did not see him. It was almost evening and I did not see him.

My eyes were exhausted. My mind strained to the breaking point at the anticipation. I did not want my mind to wander for even a second, should I lose sight of Arthur or that I should miss the opportunity to meet him. Or that I would look and feel too tired to show Arthur how earnest I was in making this up to him.

But he never came.

I was crestfallen. Arthur was not there in the seminar. It was likely that I missed him. It was likely that co-incidence of co-incidences, he moved in when I went to the bathroom and then moved out when I went there the second time after 3 hours. But in my heart, I knew. It was unlikely. Arthur had just not come.

All the preparations. All the anticipation. All that hope. All for nothing. There was nothing here left for me to do. Nothing. Except go home and cry.

I felt the fight drain from me. And a weariness came up over my shoulders. I wanted to leave. Go home. And feel sorry that I had messed up my marriage, by giving everything I had, mind and soul, to my career. I felt sorry for Arthur, myself and our marriage.

But, I had been doing that for weeks now. And it had done nothing for me. Absolutely nothing. This time, I wanted to change myself.

I realized, that to show you are interested in your husband's work, does not happen only when he is around. As a wife, I needed to take interest in what he did, EVEN IF he was not around. My decision was clear. Arthur or no Arthur, I would sit through this last of the few remaining sessions in this seminar. If for nothing else, than to see what it was that my husband did. And was proud of. And that *I* could be proud of. I no longer wanted to think about myself first. I wanted, this time, to think about my Arthur first.

So I went to the bathroom again. And washed my face, put on a little lipstick and thought about what business Arthur did. And then went in for that particular session going on in the dark room. In my earnestness, and lack of information on which session Arthur would attend, I had booked myself in ALL sessions. It did not matter how much I had to pay for it. If I could see and talk to my Arthur, I would have made good whatever I had spent. And then some.

All thoughts went away as I took my seat on the session of the day in the seminar, the session on industry best practices. For Piping and Engineering. The topic was "Different Soil compositions and their impact on industrial piping". I knew that Arthur's firm did something with piping, though not exactly what. But it must be successful because we made tons of money.

I smiled wistfully at myself at that thought. For the first time in a long, long time, I had thought about it as "WE" made money, not Arthur made money or I made money. THIS is how it should have been from the beginning. WE. Not me. Not Jennifer.

And I felt the sadness creeping up again. What I had done to Arthur. What I had done to our marriage. And my mood changed again even as I was sitting there.

What good was sitting in this seminar, in this session, when Arthur was not even around? What benefit did it bring to hear the speaker drone on about something so alien, that I could not even begin to comprehend it. Soil decompositions. Terra formations. Impact of acidic soils on pipes. Metallurgical advances in the composition of the layers of pipes. It was all foreign. I should have walked out.

But instead, I stayed back.

I wanted to see what really brought that shine in my husband's eyes when he talked about his business. What exactly was he doing and how I could, to some manner, be proud of him. How I could, understand for the first time in my life, that there were lives equally, if not more, important as mine. Of how I could find happiness in Arthur's happiness. Of how, first and foremost, I could be a wife to my husband.

So I stayed the whole nine yards.

Till the very end.

The session was over and I stood up and clapped. Because everyone was standing up and clapping too. Then, I waited as the crowd began moving out before I got up to leave.

I walked out of the door, deciding which other remaining few sessions I should attend, that Arthur would attend, when I RAN DIRECTLY INTO HIM!

I just walked plumb on, plowing into him!!

My senses came to being as I realized it was Arthur. My Arthur! And I saw the recognition in his eyes even as his face went into what I think was a mild shock. I tried to compose myself, but could not!

The shock of running into Arthur at a stage when I had expected he would not turn up, had actually lowered my defenses. All the preparations had been put into the background and all I was really thinking about was which session to go into next.

But, if you thought I was shocked, Arthur's face registered a myriad of emotions -- from initial shock, to absolute disbelief!!!

I know what was going on in his mind. Jennifer? Here? In THIS seminar? She never comes. She never expresses interest in my work. And she is attending this seminar? Of course! She has to come here because there must be a session someway related to her bank and she would be...

I knew that is exactly his train of thought. And I also knew he was really off balance. This was one thing he would never, in a million years, have anticipated. It was a really good plan to attend this seminar. Maybe now I could.... NO! I said to myself. STOP! Not this!! THIS is not how you are going to tackle this. You are a WIFE. Arthur's wife. Talk and behave like a wife. Not a Vice President. Just a wife!

So I decided to stop Arthur's thinking then and there about me being a Vice President, and tell him I was here just as his wife.

"Arthur, I came to see you. There is nothing here that concerns my bank, honey." I said, trying not to let my hope at seeing him, spill over into my voice.

"Don't call me honey, Jennifer!" he stated sternly.

That was it! My happiness instantly deflated like a balloon then and there! No. This was not going to be as easy as I thought it would be.

"Arthur... I just wanted...."

"I'm not interested Jennifer. Please. Just back off and let me live my life. Stop trying to see me!" his voice was rising. And I did not want to make a scene here in this seminar.

"I just wanted to tell you Arthur, that..."

"WHAT?" he was practically glaring at me!

"Just wanted to tell you that the session on soil compositions and impact on piping was a horrible bore!" I said.

All in a single breath of air.

All said looking at the floor.

Time stopped.

I paused for a moment, composing myself, then looked up to him.

For the first time in years, IN YEARS, Arthur just stood looking at me dumbfounded. And shocked. I saw hesitation in his eyes. I saw. The struggle. Between his love for me and the years of neglect, fight with each other in the battleground of his mind. After what seemed to me like a superhuman effort to compose himself, he looked at me again with that same sadness that I had seen when he first told me of his intention to divorce me. But there was something else I saw. Along with the sadness there was something else this time, struggling to rise. I saw a hope. A faint hope that did not have any chance, did not have any reason to think it had a chance, but it was there nevertheless, a small sliver of hope rise in his eyes and pass on to his entire spirit. His eyes, momentarily, lost their sadness.

And his face...it registered an internal glow that a child shows when his parents have told him he has just been given his favorite gift that he wanted for so long for Christmas, but is trying to show that he was unaffected by the declaration. He was trying hard to not show the emotion, but I could see his eyes... they were lighting up!

"What...you sat... you ACTUALLY SAT THROUGH the entire 3 hours?" Arthur asked. His demeanor was still hostile, but the acid in his voice was abating.

"Yes." I replied, softly.

"But... why!!??" Now there was total look of confusion on his face.

"Because I wanted to... I... I wanted to see what it is that you did. And wanted to be a part of that." I said, looking at the floor. "I wanted to know what my husband did. I... I wanted to be... proud of my husband." I continued, in a very soft voice.

I looked up at him, and saw the shock and sternness transform into a enormous sadness in his eyes once again. It lasted some moments. I could see his mind remembering. Remembering the love we had. The dreams we dreamt. The plans we made. The life we believed we would lead. Our promises that we would be there for each other, no matter what, I could see him remembering all that. All which seemed like an eternity ago. Remembering them all. Remembering it ALL!

And then the years of neglect returned to his memory. Unbidden. Black. Corrupting hope. Corroding his feelings. Came rushing in like the flood! Exploding the dam of his soul. Splintering his heart into so many pieces that you could never make it whole again.

The day to day pain of being ignored -- he remembered! The scraps of sex and not allowing him his rightful access to my body -- he remembered! The false promises, the raising of hopes, only to be dashed again and again, the excessive focus, the obsession with Vice Presidency, the point where I would sacrifice anything, for my career. My behavior. My tunnel vision. My apathy towards anything to do with family, marriage, home, or husband. My giving my time and love to my career. My giving passion and hope to my career. My giving the moments in time that would be remembered forever -- to my career! My giving EVERYTHING FOR THE CAREER!! And I knew what he was remembering. And I began tearing up in helplessness. There was no way I could stop this flood. No way to stem this tide. No way to make this go away. None.

And in an instant, AN INSTANT, the steel returned in his eyes. His face went grim. And his eyes, colder than ice.

"I see. Now, if you've seen that session, please make way. Because my next session starts in the next 2 minutes and I don't want to waste it because I am talking to some Vice President here!"

Now THAT hurt. GOD! It hurt bad. From a man who sacrificed his needs, his dreams and his love for his wife, to a man using callous words and not really caring, he hurt.

I desperately tried to prevent the tears from coming to my eyes. But I failed. I let them come. I just let them. I didn't care who saw me, or who didn't. I just let them come. My tears. For what I was about to lose. For what I had long since lost. For what I seemed to have no hope of getting back. My tears came. And I let them fall.

Arthur looked at me and his face turned into one of stone.

"Really now?" he asked. "If you're so emotional, maybe you could have asked Bernie not to write those emails, calling me a insecure bastard, wife-hater and a sorry excuse for a human being."

I was STUNNED! What? What did Bernie write to Arthur?

And before I could react, he turned his back on me and was making his way into the crowd.

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He was half an hour late. I was sitting at his office, and was informed that he had just gone out, by his secretary. Would I need some coffee, tea?

I refused and waited for Bernie to come. I was shocked. What email was Arthur talking about? I decided to confront Bernie about it. I was trying to understand what was going on between Arthur and Bernie when the door opened and Bernie walked in.

I had laid awake almost the whole night. Thinking what Arthur had remarked. And then re-thinking everything again and again. What did Bernie write? Why would he do that, he knew Arthur to be one of the gentlest of men, why? Was he trying to force a reaction so that Arthur would meet me? Was he trying something that, in his head, would bring us together? What?

"Jenny?" he broke into a smile when he saw me. I snapped out of my reverie.

"Benie," I said, composing myself and my thoughts, and my voice neutral, "I want to talk to you."

"Sure Jenny. Let's go to my cabin." Saying that, he opened the door to his cabin and ushered me inside.

He sat in his place and I sat opposite the table at him. He had the foresight to close the door of his cabin.

"Now, before we start, any tea or..." he began, but I interrupted him.

"Bernie, I have something to ask you." I said, looking straight at him.

"Shoot, Jenny!" he said, jovially.

'He held on for as long as he could. But when he finally couldn't stand to take it anymore, he exploded like an atom bomb!!'

I've read and heard this phrase many, many times. But for the first time in my life, including my Vice Presidency, I managed to identify with it.