Everything Looks Better Ch. 05

"You mean, when I'm too invested in the Pilgrimage to turn back."

"Try not to see it that way."

"How do Ireallyknow Tidus is Sin?"

"Your brother could sense Jecht in Sin."

Glancing up, she laughed dryly. "You'll have to do better than that. I haven't even seen Sin in his entirety, so how can I sense anything?"

She was right. Sin was keeping his distance. Showing restraint.

"And I don't believe Tidus would want me to be part of a cycle, either," Raine said.

"Jecht wanted Tidus to break the cycle."

"Well why didn't he?"

"It wasn't that simple. There were...obstacles."

She frowned thoughtfully at his vagueness, her clear blues searching for him through the screen of his sunglasses. "Obstacles I'm expected to overcome?"

"Youdidget all the brains."

She laughed abruptly, cynically, and pushed back her plate.

"Full?" Auron asked.

"I don't think it matters how much I eat," she muttered. "I'll still feel hollow inside."

Auron furrowed his brow. She must mean her grief for her upcoming sacrifice. Or did she now think it was suicide? He blamed himself for her failure to distinguish between the two, although the true responsibility lied with Tidus' Sin. When Auron came back to Spira several months ago, to secure provisions, to reserve this room, to order their supplies, he meant it to be a short visit, using his link with Sin to hitch a ride back to Zanarkand when he was finished. But Sin was displeased Auron had not brought Raine back with him and had spent the following three months showing Auron exactly how dissatisfied he was....

Sin ejected Auron on the same beach as Jecht's houseboat and Auron slid around in the sand on his knees, searching for his katana in the moonlight. The sleepy lap of the bay and faint buoy ring was a beautiful song he hadn't heard in what felt like ages. Sin had spent the last three months tossing Auron from one end of Spira to the other, from the sand dunes of Bikanel to the icy cliffs in Gagazet to the grassy sea in the Calm Lands. Each time, Auron would have to find Sin again, or let Sin find him, and hope the ride would take him back to Zanarkand. It had been a cruel game and Auron suspected Tidus was keeping him from Zanarkand on purpose, as punishment for leaving Raine.

Auron scrambled to his feet. Forget the katana. Find Raine.

Loping along the docks, he followed the familiar path amidst the fishing and sailing boats, to the only houseboat with a light still on and he took this as a hopeful sign she had not completely forgotten him. Climbing up on the hull, he leaned on the frame of the door, exhausted, and knocked, too loud, too anxious. While he waited, he rested his forehead on the door, praying this wasn't a trick, that he really was in Zanarkand, and that Raine was inside.

A moment later, he could hear someone on the other side, disengaging locks. It was late. "Who is it?"

A low whimper escaped his lips. It was her.

"It's me," he called and wondered if she still recognized his voice.

The door flew open. His Sweet Raine was wearing a small black tank top, fitted black briefs and nothing else.

"Auron," she gasped and her eyes immediately rolled back.

He caught her before she hit the floor in faint and shrugged out of his cloak to pick her up in both arms. With a bang, he kicked the door shut and brought her down the steps to the living area. He knew the way to her bedroom, but after a quick appraisal inside, Auron wondered if he was even in the right houseboat.

Spinning around in the middle of her parlor, Auron tossed Raine up to situate her in his arms, surveying the renovation. It was finished. The walls were up, painted, pictures hung. In the kitchen niche, the freshly-stained cupboard doors were installed, the new granite counters were in and her rickety bar stools with the daisies were replaced with brand-new chairs made from sturdy carpentry. The floors were all refinished and they shined with dark luxury. Jecht and Tidus' trophies had all been repaired and detailed and were displayed on built-in shelves. In the master bedroom, the floors carried through, the walls painted ivy green to coordinate the bedding and curtains. The bed looked new. So did the dresser and night table. A small lamp was on by the bed.

Propping her against the decorative pillows, of which there were at least a dozen, he arranged her more comfortably and sat on the side of the bed so his thirsty eye could drink her. It felt like he'd been gone a lifetime. There were times back in Spira he didn't think he would ever see her again and he feared his obsession with her had driven him to mild insanity.

Auron stroked her hair. She had it cut again. It was fine, but he liked it long. She had lost weight, too, needlessly in his opinion. She was borderline scrawny.

He could feel the familiar choke in the back of his throat and couldn't hold back. Scooting toward her, he brushed her blonde bangs away and kissed her forehead. Running his nose down the length of hers, he hovered over her lips, hesitating one second too long before Raine stirred. He recoiled back, giving her space.

Squinting at him, it seemed she had no recollection of him at all, but then her eyes popped open and she flew at him. "Auron!"

"Raine—" he said, muffled by the material of her tank top. Her slender arms crushed his neck as she kneeled up in front of him and his glasses went askew.

"I thought you were dead!"

He found himself smiling against her breasts. He managed to resist the urge to nuzzle her, but he did take a long, delirious inhale. She smelled of fabric softener and toothpaste. He felt her covering the top of his head with loud, exaggerated kisses and his hands came up to the small of her back, where he could feel her warm, bare skin in the empty space between her cotton underwear and border of her shirt. A great soothing came over him, the constant tempering of his soul with a blacksmith's hammer, when he realized he was finally home.

They had never embraced like this and she felt delightfully good against him. She was an adult now, and he realized he needed time away from her to see her with a new perspective. Young, yes, but she was now older than he was when he started his first pilgrimage. Spira had loosened something in him, beat it to a fine powder, rendering it useless, and he came back to Zanarkand broken and incomplete. Only Raine could rebuild him.

"Auron—"

"Raine, I've missed you." As he spoke, his lip brushed against the swell of her nipple and his fingers were tracing her spine down towards her tailbone. When he found her bottom, he discovered how perfectly his hands cupped around each smooth cheek....

"Auron," she said lucidly, shoving him by the shoulders, and his hands came down on the bed behind him to catch himself. His welcome was over.

Drawing her underwear back in place, Raine sat cross-legged against the headboard and Auron glimpsed a strange, braided bracelet on her wrist before her hand disappeared behind her.

"What's that?"

"You said a few days." The edge in her voice was sharp enough to slice him in half.

"It was never my intention to leave you for so long." He took her elbow gently, coaxing her hand into the open. "Show me your hand."

Her other hand came out to stop him. "You said 10 years. It's been 11. I thought you were gone forever and you just sucked at goodbyes."

He did...suck at goodbyes, and he detested how this was beginning to feel like one.

Palm rotating, Raine showed him the ring on her finger to distract him from the hand behind her back. The diversion worked. Auron was transfixed by the diamond, his extremities numb.

"You are spoken for," he observed.

"I can speak for myself," she said, low, even. "Did you expect me to wait for you forever?"

"Three months is hardly forever," Auron said stupidly.

She gave him a hard, unblinking look. Auron realized the wait she was talking about was actually much longer.

"Jory?" Auron asked. The name was acid on his lips.

"Of course."

"He's not loyal."

"We've worked it out," she said dryly.

Bitter, Auron asked, "Was the houseboat part of the negotiation?"

Raine darkened. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Did Jory pay for the renovations?"

Her eyes narrowed heatedly. "What business is it of yours?"

"You're renovating to sell, are you not?"

"Why? Do you think you're entitled to something because you helped me tear down some walls and fix a few appliances?"

Auron arched an eyebrow, tensed his jaw, spoke through his teeth. "Not everyone is motivated by profit."

He saw it coming, braced for it even, but when she slapped him, it smarted. His face pitched sideways, his glasses crooked again.

She made a brief fist and shook her hand, which obviously stung from her assault, but Auron saw his chance and seized her arm.

"Don't," she said, fighting him.

Wrenching her hand, he forced her wrist up, but he couldn't tell at first what he was looking at.

Oh my Raine, what did you do to yourself?

"You're hurting me," she said, without conviction.

He loosened his grip a miniscule, tracing a bracelet of corrupted, twisted flesh on the inside of her wrist with his thumb. Unlike the scar on his eye, it appeared self-inflicted. "What is this?"

"My rage phase," she whispered, gazing sidelong.

Auron glowered. "I don't understand."

"The fourth phase of abandonment?" Her eyes flicked to his.

"Abandonment?" He shook his head. "I never-"

"My therapist says I have abandonment issues."

"When did you get a therapist?"

"I was assigned one before I could leave the hospital." She twisted her hand out of his clutch and folded her arms to simultaneously hide her scar and her ring. "I'm glad it happened."

"Glad?" Auron spat.

Her posture straightened, offended. "Yes, glad. I was able to get the help I needed. She helped me realize I've always been attracted to people who will eventually leave me and why I never made any real friendships in school. She says it stems from when Jecht left. I was too young to process it and it seemed to build after Tidus and my mother."

Auron scowled. "Your father and brother loved you. So did your mother."

"And do you?"

Chest tightening, he hesitated. "I love you and Tidus both."

"I see." Her lips pursed. "Then I guess my therapist was right about my father issues, too. My attachment to you is not only unhealthy...it's apparently 'textbook,' as she put it. According to her, I've been using you as a replacement for the attention I never got from Jecht."

Auron listened with a vague look of disgust, as if there was a bad smell in the room. Who was this therapist and why did she think she knew so much about him? What was worse, Raine believed her. Of course, why shouldn't she? Auron had never given Raine reason to believe otherwise and he feared now it was too late. She had already made her choice. "Where was Jory when it happened?" he asked.

"What does that matter?"

"He should have been here to take care of you."

"When have I ever needed anyone to take care of me?" Her eyes burned into his, as easily as if the sunglasses weren't there, and a cruel smile twitched on her lips. "You think you've been taking care of me these last ten years? I only let you hang around so you could feel like you were fulfilling your obligation to my brother."

Auron arrogantly slanted his head. "And how long was I gone before you hurt yourself?"

"Everybody makes mistakes," she said with a stiff shrug. "Even you."

Owen, how did you get yow owie?

"Raine—" Crestfallen, Auron wasn't sure what to say, but he had become aware of queasy ache inside him. Raine was broken, too, he realized. But she fixed herself and had already taken strides to build herself back up, without Auron.

Raine sighed and it sounded agonizingly final. "Look, I know you have this promise to my brother you need to uphold, but I'd appreciate it if you just carry it out without bothering me. I've made so much progress and you coming back...well, it's liable to set me back." Her voice trembled then and her thumb swiped casually at her eye, but she didn't break.

So that was it. He swallowed, clenched his teeth together, and then nodded once.

A farewell.