Exploring Feelings Ch. 04

PRESENT DAY:

Chris Barnes was incredibly distracted through his morning sales calls. It hadn't nothing to do with his work, this mood could only be caused by one thing, or one person rather, his longtime lover Amy Harris. Last night, Amy had again told him she was thinking of stopping their affair. This was not the first time either of them had this conversation over the last 16 years, at some point one or the other had tried to stop things, only to fall back into each other's arms over a period of time.

Deep down, Chris suspected no different here. Even if they stopped for a while, he believed they would find their way back to each other at some point down the road; they always did. But why did this time feel different? Life was just getting more and more complicated for both of them, with three kids of their own to raise, and a spouse that they truly loved (no matter how many times each betrayed them).

And, given the way it had been going recently, they were just asking to get caught. Anytime they saw each other they had to be together, to touch each other...even in the presence of their families. Surely they couldn't keep that up? Chris remembered times when it got like this, where they almost became obsessed with each other. At all of those points, they decided to take a break from each other. Is that what Amy wanted now?

As Chris drove back to his hotel to wait for Amy, he thought back to one of those times, when it felt like their obsession with each other could spiral out of control. In this case, it was the one time he put a stop to things, at least for a time. It had happened shortly after his wedding and the birth of Amy and Brian's first child.

MARCH 2005:

Amy Harris collapsed into bed, finally having put her 8-month baby girl Kelly down for the night (or at least she hoped). Kelly was the best thing that ever happened to her; she loved her from the moment she laid eyes on her. They had been trying for a while without success, and had begun to worry there was a problem with one or both of them. As it turned out, it just took time, and they had been overjoyed when it finally happened.

However, despite all the love in the world you have for your baby, no one quite prepares you for how much work it is. The long, sleepless nights, the constant worry that some tragedy will befall the helpless infant in every situation, it was an extremely stressful time. Unfortunately, Amy was forced to handle most of this on her own. Brian had just begun his surgical rotation, and though he tried to be home for his wife and newborn daughter as much as possible, he could only do so much and was needed at the hospital for longer and longer hours.

Amy had decided to take some time off from her work, beyond her maternity leave, so they needed Brian's salary, which had become significant, to support what they hoped would be their growing family. But it did lead to sacrifices, one of which was an inordinate amount of the child care was falling onto Amy's shoulders.

As she drifted to sleep, her thoughts turned to another familiar face, Chris Barnes. In truth, he was never that far from her mind, even if it had been a while since they had last seen each other. Their affair had continued after her return from her honeymoon, and while his relationship with Liz continued to progress. Chris would be in the area once or twice a month on business, and it wasn't hard to get together in his hotel room with Brian busy at work. But soon all of that came to an end.

Amy wanted to begin her family, and she knew seeing Chris would be too dangerous. They never could bring themselves to use any protection; as long as Amy was on the pill it wasn't an issue. But now that she wouldn't be, they couldn't risk it. For his part, Chris had become focused on his own life with Liz. He had proposed and they had just got married last October. Amy was happy for him, but she couldn't deny a part of her missed their affair.

All her life, Amy had been the good one; the good daughter, the good sister, the good friend, the good girlfriend. Now, by all accounts she was the good wife and mother. And she put a lot of pressure on herself to live up to that; it can be very hard being perceived as perfect by everyone in your life, because no one is, no matter how hard we try we can never be perfect. Sometimes all that pressure requires a stress release, otherwise you go mad.

So a part of her enjoyed being able to let go and be bad for a little while, to have a secret that no one else knew about. Her secret was her relationship with Chris; she was certain no one had any idea that she was involved with him. They had their fun in the moment, and then they went back to their regular lives. Maybe her husband hadn't been wrong in high school; that was probably the better time to do bad things, before you had any life commitments. Now she had so much to lose just to have these brief moments of letting go.

Therefore, maybe it ending was the best thing for both of them; they had helped each other through difficult times, and now they were entering different points in their lives and beginning families. Of course, they had said this before, only to end up in bed together the night before her wedding. Her body still tingled thinking about that night.

But this time felt different, there were higher stakes that neither wanted to truly risk, so it did feel like the end. Despite herself, Amy couldn't help feeling more than a tinge of sadness at that prospect.

For Chris, life was moving fast as well. It had been about 6 months since his marriage to Liz, and everything was great. They both had successful careers, and they were enjoying those heady early days of married life, before the world (and its responsibilities) fell on their shoulders. Once again, his time with Amy was turning into distant memory. Sure, he was upset when she told him it had to end again, but he came to realize it was for the best.

At first, it was hard being in the area several times a month and not being able to call Amy and set up a rendezvous, but like last time having Liz in his life helped him cope. She always knew the right thing to say or do when things were bothering him (even if she didn't know why he was really upset), so it only seemed natural that they would tie the knot. Amy and Brian were there of course, it was one of their first real outings since the baby. There was a touch of melancholy in his interactions with Amy, but she seemed so happy to be a mom. Chris was happy for them; hopefully he and Liz would be parents in a few years.

Chris was preparing for another trip to see his clients around Philly. Liz was helping him pack.

"Have you spoken with Brian and Amy lately?" asked Liz.

"No, I think they're pretty busy, what with the baby and Brian's work," said Chris.

"You should call them when you get down there and meet up. There are probably starving for some human interaction, especially Amy. You used to do that all the time when you traveled there. Why did you stop?" asked Liz.

"I don't know, they had so much going on I thought I'd give them space," said Chris, using his best poker face to disguise the true reason. Deep down, this frightened him, how easy it had been to lie to the woman he loved and just married.

"Well, you shouldn't let that stop you. Even if Brian's busy I'm sure Amy could use the company," said Liz sweetly.

"Yeah, I'll see if I can make the time to give them a call," said Chris, desperately wanting this conversation to end. "So what are your plans while I'm gone?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," she teased, smiling broadly. God he loved that smile. "I think I have a busy few days of catching up on TV. Maybe I'll watch the last few episodes of Lost that we missed."

"No fair, I haven't gotten a chance to see those yet!" Chris exclaimed.

"I'm just kidding, don't worry. I couldn't watch it without you; I love seeing you get so excited trying to figure out what those numbers mean. It's a real turn on," his wife said, rubbing his arm.

"Keep doing that and I'll never leave," he said, giving her a hug and leaning in for a kiss.

"Maybe that's my plan," she teased. Turning serious, Liz said "I do miss you when you're not here, you know. I know your job is important, but I wish we could spend more time together."

"I know, but I need to build my portfolio in order to move up the ladder to Senior Salesperson. Once I do that, the travel should get lighter and my salary should improve." Chris told her. He wanted nothing more than to be with her, but they needed the extra money if they wanted to start their family. He did well, but he didn't make near the money that Brian was making as a doctor.

But he did worry about what the time away would do to his marriage. Right now, he was traveling for a few days every few weeks. That was a lot of time to be away from each other. And though they spoke on the phone all the time, it wasn't the same. He felt himself losing touch with her. But he didn't express these feelings to Liz; he didn't want her to worry. She was always so happy and bubbly; so different than him. The last thing he wanted to do was make her feel sad before he left.

"I better hit the road babe; see you in a few days. Love you," Chris said giving her one last kiss.

"Love you too; call me when you get there." Liz said as he left.

Once on the road, he thought about what his wife said. She was right, it had been a while since he had seen Brian and Amy; it would be great to catch up. Everything with Amy seemed like it was in the past, maybe he had been wrong after all. They were able to give up what they had for what was truly important in life. And surely those desires he had, that he had worked to suppress, would not come up again. He was madly in love with Liz; she was often all he thought about when he was away now. So seeing Amy wouldn't cause him any problems; all of that was over now. He decided to call Brian when he got down there (calling Amy first could look suspicious).

Brian was happy to get the call and excited about seeing his friend, with work crazy and the baby taking up much of his free time it would be nice to catch up. He had nothing scheduled for tomorrow night, so he told Chris he would talk to Amy about coming over the house.

Frankly, the prospect didn't enthuse Amy all that much. Not that she didn't want to see Chris (she did, uncomfortably so), but she had no time to make plans and set up dinner. Brian assured her they could order take out, so she relented. Anyway, Chris wouldn't be interested in my "Mom" body now anyway, she thought.

She had just begun the process of shedding some of the baby weight, but still didn't feel fully comfortable with her new body. Brian was sweet about it, telling her she was beautiful, but they had just started having sex again. Frankly he wasn't around enough for it to happen regularly, and most times they tried were interrupted by the cries of a little baby down the hall.

Upon arriving at his room, Brian called Chris to let him know they were on for tomorrow night. Despite himself, he couldn't help feeling a little anxious at the prospect of seeing Amy again. Anyway, Brian would be there, so it's not like anything could happen.

He remembered Amy at his wedding, she had a glow about her, and he assumed it was from being a new mother. He also thought she looked curvier, sexier even, and were her breasts just a little bit bigger...Chris mentally slapped these thoughts out of head.

"Why am I going there again all of a sudden," he lamented to himself. Maybe I should call Brian and make an excuse why I can't come. Why take a chance, he thought to himself. But something kept him from picking up the phone.

The next afternoon, Amy received a call from her husband.

"Sorry hun, I just got called in to another surgery, it'll be a long one I won't be home until late," said Brian apologetically.

"Oh, that's too bad...do you want me to call Chris and cancel?" said Amy

"No reason to, why don't you two have dinner and hang out for a while, I'm sure you would like the company," replied Brian.

Her husband didn't mean anything by that, but Amy couldn't help but blush at his words. Suddenly, a number of possibilities of "keeping company" with Chris flooded her mind. But she shook them off.

"I don't know, I'm tired anyway and the baby is being a handful today. Maybe another time," said Amy.

"It's up to you, but I'm sure Chris wouldn't mind helping out. It'll probably be good practice, I'm sure he and Liz will be trying soon for one of their own. Listen I gotta go, don't wait up tonight, OK."

As Amy hung up the phone, she debated what she should do. Several times she picked up the phone to call Chris and cancel, but something stopped her. It would be good to have someone to talk to for a while, thought Amy. But talking has never been our strong suit, another part of her mind said.

Now that she decided not to cancel, her mind turned to other matters...what to wear? With her husband there, Amy hadn't really thought much about wearing anything other than her comfortable t-shirt and sweatpants. Now, all of a sudden, her mind thought differently. She had just begun to fit into her pre-maternity clothes, maybe she would put on one of those nice sundresses she loved.

After his meetings, Chris drove to Brian and Amy's new house. Knocking on the door, he was surprised to see Amy answer, and he was distressed to feel himself responding to how she looked. Dressed in a pretty blue sundress, she looked great. She was curvier, but in a good way. "I should have canceled, but it's too late now; at least Brian will be here too," he thought. Chris tried hard to stop mentally undressing her and forced himself to speak.

"Hi Amy, great to see you, where's Brian?'

"Oh, he called a little while ago, another surgery came up and he won't be home til late. He said we should still get together. Hope takeout is OK," said Amy.

"Oh, yeah, no problem," said Chris, but his mind instantly turned to other thoughts. Alone with Amy, in her house, and her husband gone until much later. Why did she have to look so good right now?

Amy was thinking the exact same thing. "God he still looks great, and he's looking at me that way again, like he always did right before he rips my clothes off"...these thoughts were interrupted by the cries of her little girl, snapping Amy out of her trance.

Chris waited for her in the family room, and tried to hold his burgeoning desires at bay. This was nuts, he had to get a hold of himself. "I love my wife, I love my wife," he mentally chanted to himself. The thought of Liz focused him, and he began to relax. Thank god, he thought, but maybe I should leave. He would wait for Amy and tell her something came up.

Amy came back in after a few minutes and noticed he was much calmer, and a large part of her was disappointed. But not surprised, who would want her right now anyway, right?

"Is Italian OK, there's a great place a few blocks away that delivers," she asked.

"Uh, I hate to do this to you, but I was thinking maybe I should go, I have a real important meeting with a new prospect tomorrow that I should prepare for," said Chris, as he began to sweat.

"Oh,OK, yeah I understand," said Amy. I knew he didn't want me anymore, no one does, not even my husband, she lamented. Suddenly, out of nowhere, she started to cry.

"Oh Amy, I'm sorry did I upset you?" said Chris, closing the distance and giving her a hug. God she still feels great in my arms, he thought. In that instant he knew he was in trouble.

"Geez, I feel like such an idiot," she sobbed. Calming down, she explained, "I just get emotional out of nowhere lately...sometimes it's hard being alone, I guess I was looking forward to some company tonight. But first Brian couldn't make it, and now you," she pouted, looking into his eyes. She knew it was manipulative, but something told her she couldn't let this man leave yet.

"OK...maybe just for dinner," he replied, as he let her go. His previous chant was replaced by a new on, "Do not get hard, do not get hard."

"Great, I really need this," she said happily. "Why did I use those exact words?"she asked herself. And why am I so happy all of a sudden?

They ordered from the Italian place a few block away, and talked about their lives as dinner arrived. In truth, they never really talked much (they were too busy with other things), but it was nice to catch up.

"So how's motherhood treating you?" asked Chris.

"Wonderfully, but it is hard at times. Like I said Brian is so busy at work again that he can only help so much. We're doing our best though," replied Amy.

Chris had heard this before from Amy, and it often led them to dark places. When she felt lonely or when Brian was preoccupied, he knew she often turned to their trysts to provide a release. It was wrong for him to take advantage of her in those times, but he couldn't help himself. He was determined not to here...though likely he was reading too much into it, sex with him was probably the furthest thing from her mind.

Except it wasn't, and was quickly becoming the only thing on her mind. For the first time in a long time, she felt like a woman again, dressing up and trying to entice a man. Even it was subconscious at first, she now realized that was what she was doing. This was heading toward danger, but Amy didn't want to stop.

"How are you, Chris, married life treating you good," asked Amy.

"Yeah, it's great; Liz and I have been busy with work, so we're still working our way through spending enough time together. I still have to travel often, so we seem to be spending more time apart right now," replied Chris.

"Oh, that's too bad," said Amy softly as she reached out to caress his arm. "Why did I do that," she thought..."maybe because he isn't getting enough at home...I could solve that right now," another darker part of her mind thought.

Chris froze at the contact with Amy, but found his groin being stirred to life. Oh boy, he thought, but god how much bigger are her breasts now?

Amy saw it, that look was back. She hadn't realized until now, but she missed it. Along with other things she missed, that she saw an opportunity to be reacquainted with. She had to get Kelly ready for bed, so she got up and told Chris to grab a glass of wine and wait for her in the living room.

Chris' heart was pounding as he gulped down his wine. Here he was again, seemingly powerless to stop the inevitable. Actually he wasn't, he could make up any excuse to leave, but he knew he didn't want to. He only wanted one thing, and he decided he was going to have it.

He thought of his wife, sitting home alone, maybe thinking of him and wishing he was there. And here he was, knowing what was about to happen, and not being able (and not wanting) to stop it. Liz was so great; he had no real complaints about their life together. Maybe if he did this would make more sense. Sure they didn't get to spend as much time together as newlyweds might want, but their time together was great, they had so much fun together. And he had no complaints about their sex life. So why was he so turned on right now, maybe more than ever before with Amy?

Deep down, since he began having these fantasies, this was a major one, sleeping with a woman in her house, that she shared with her husband...marking another man's territory in a way. What was wrong with me, he thought. The idea of someone doing this with Liz turned his stomach. Why was it so easy for him to do it to Brian, a man he considered a friend?

Amy returned and turned on the new satellite radio they had bought. She tuned into the cheesy love song channel. "In Too Deep," by Genesis was playing. An apt metaphor, they both thought. She turned to Chris.

"Dance with me," she said seductively.