F Is for Fiona

"The walk round. Ten o'clock? Which departments, Fiona?"

I always went down onto the shop floor mid-morning, showing my face and checking up. With six big sectors in the store I couldn't usually do them all in one go, so I usually picked two, almost at random, and went round checking over the displays and the stock and the staff and so on, I could cover two sectors well in 45 minutes.

"I'll do the lot today, Kate. Skip through quickly this time. I need to show my face, to let people at least begin to get used to my new situation."

"Good idea. You've a bank meeting at 11.30, Jeff Green rang to confirm. To do new signatures and so on. And Ms Harrison called. She's had to reschedule, she says she's very sorry but her husband has some sort of commitment tomorrow so she's hoping to do lunch here today. She want a quick response, shall I get her mobile? She's in the Redditch branch now but can get here for 1 if that's OK?"

I thought quickly. I didn't really want to make a decision on meeting someone from head office again so quickly but I just said yes - think about any problems later. I didn't think Emma would be a problem - eventually after talking things through on her previous visit she had seemed rather positive. I could just give her lunch in the café, of course. Probably the best idea. When I mentioned this to Kate she agreed and said she'd sort the details a little later, after she'd called to confirm the visit. I could just do the other five departments on the tour, them fit in the café at lunch.

I opened my office door to go in, to start on the post and so on - and I had to stop. I looked over towards my desk, in surprise. Once, on Valentine's Day a few years back the Bakery people had sent me a bunch of flowers. But this time - there were loads, five or six large bouquets on the desk and on the chair beside it. I looked across at Kate.

"Six bouquets, Fiona, every department. After you left on that Friday there was obviously a lot of discussion. We all decided this would be a good idea. To welcome you, Fiona, as the 'new woman in the store. And this one is from me."

She took a small box from its hiding place behind her desk, a single red rose. Then she moved towards me and clipped it onto my lapel, again kissing me lightly on the cheek as she did so.

"And this ......"

She reached down again to pick up an enormous flower arrangement, red and white roses mainly .

"..... arrived this morning. So tell me, Fiona, have you a secret admirer - already?"

I opened the card, I should have known.

"Welcome, Fiona. XXX from Jeff."

From my bank manager, my 'best mate' Jeff. We'd know each other since just after our college days. It was something of a coincidence we'd both ended up north of Birmingham, him being the manager of the branch the company dealt with there, two good reasons why I'd moved my account there. Apart from Kate and family he was the only person I'd confided in about my earlier TV behaviour, and my decision to properly 'go TS'. I hadn't even told his wife, I imagined he wouldn't have yet.

I smiled. Even Jeff hadn't actually seen 'Fiona' - he was going to get a bit of a surprise later that morning. I remembered our conversation of a couple of weeks earlier.

"OK Fred, you said you had something to talk about. It sounded important so go ahead, I'm all ears."

"Right Jeff. Straight out with it. Do you know what a 'transsexual' is?"

He'd not replied. Maybe he expected to ask something about my account, or the store's, or maybe about having a loan for a new car or something. I went on.

"Well, Jeff. I'm a transsexual. Which is to say, I'm a woman."

He'd still not replied. I tried to imagine what I, in a similar situation and without the sort of insights I had, would reply to that sort of comment. I'd probably be too surprised to say anything.

"OK Jeff, you're surprised. Shocked even. But apart from family and some doctors you're the first person I've ever said this to."

"Why?"

I didn't know what he meant. Why was I a transsexual, or why was I telling him? In either case he obviously deserved a lot more details, and I began to explain, about my tranny leanings as a youngster, suppressing my real thoughts in my early working life, and finally the realisation a couple of years ago that I really should face up to it, and do something about it.

As I spoke - I went on for nearly half an hour, Jeff butted in with questions about some aspects of what I was telling him. I was relieved - he HAD been the person to consult, or rather to tell, he was taking it seriously. Eventually I paused.

"So, Fred. I'm going to have to get used to calling you 'Fiona' am I?"

"Is that the only problem you can see?" I asked him rather incredulously.

"Fred, I've known you for years. Not as well as I'd thought in some ways, I really have never ever thought anything like this was going on in your life. But I know you stick to your guns. Doggedly. And I also know you wouldn't be telling me all this if you didn't trust me to reply honestly. I suppose I'm flattered you think that of me. But if you're going ahead you will have my full support, in whatever way I can help. So just let me know what you want."

I stood up, actually to fetch us a couple more drinks. I thought we needed them.

"But if you're going to kiss me, forget it!" he said.

And then grinned widely. I did get the drinks and we sat down again.

"So, Fred. You've never married. Are you gay, or bisexual? Is that a factor here?"

Only Jeff would have asked me a question like that in such a way. I paused a moment.

"Either 'not really' or 'I don't know'. Take your pick, the jury is still out on that. Despite all the questions from doctors and therapists I really am not sure. I am certainly a woman. I've got my gender totally clear in my own mind, though I'm not at all convinced about my sexuality. And that is very odd."

And I told him about my experiments in that area. My two sort-of sexual encounters when I'd been out dressed as a woman, two very different experiences. The only two occasions in my whole life when I'd actually felt a desperate need to try to discover just what I'd feel in such a situation. OK I'd thought about it, even fantasised, lots of times. But I'd only actually felt the urge to do something about it two times. And Jeff was the one person, apart from doctors and family, I could tell.

"I mean, Jeff, at that time I really hadn't got myself sorted, this was quite a while back. Really I still regarded myself as male. I just thought I was a tranny."

"A transvestite you mean?"

"Sure. I was very into the whole clothes and make-up thing. I went to extremes really, big high heels and very large false boobs, that sort of thing."

"So, what's wrong with that, Fred? I'm sure some guys love doing that."

"Yeah, sure, I did. I went to a special tranny club, you know - actually maybe you don't! Just a social club, this one was upstairs at a pub in Dudley. Just the chance for trannies to dress up, sometimes dancing and meeting other trannies and guys too. Anyway, to cut a long story short, this guy picked me up there, got me a couple of drinks and so on, we ended up in his car in the car park making out."

"Making out?" Jeff didn't actually ask me what I meant.

"OK, we ended up having sex."

"Geez, Fred."

"Well, I was flattered, Jeff. He was very complimentary, like I said I was into clothes and so on at the time in a big way. I'd gone all out that night, tight miniskirt, high heels, big breast-forms, the lot really. And I really did turn him on, when I got into his pants he was massively erect already. And I got excited myself with him stroking my thighs and sliding his hand in my knickers. I think the right thing to say is that I seduced him. I don't think I raped him, he was too willing for that. I mean, when his cock was sliding into me, he was obviously enjoying himself. No, it wasn't rape, just plain dirty sex."

Jeff had been quiet for a time.

"It just shows, Fred, I mean, at that time I just had no idea..."

"No reason you should have, Jeff. Though the second time it was because of your party, remember your fortieth?"

"Course I do. What do you mean 'because of my party'. How?"

"Remember that tall woman, Gemma I think it was?"

"I do remember, she's a friend of Tracy's I think."

"Well, it was because she was so tall and still wore high heels. I remember thinking, not at all seriously, that I'd seen trannies on the net who looked very similar to her. And that got me pondering again. By then I think I had realised that I am really female. That's why I got dressed up and went shopping en-femme a couple of days later. I'd never seriously done that, only quiet outings in the evenings. I got a middle-of-the-road outfit together, not very high heels, not too short a skirt, and so on. And went into Marks and BHS and a couple of other places."

"In the daytime? Wow, very brave of you."

"Not really, I'd moderated my 'look' a lot. I mean, I still like to look sexy when I dress, tarty even at times. Most TVs and TS women do. But just to go shopping I calmed it down a lot. And I still got chatted up on my way home."

"No!"

"Yes. Outside the café at BHS would you believe? Some older guy, he saw me on my own and assumed I wanted some company. I went along with him to a pub near there, he bought me a couple of drinks and started to get fresh."

"Fresh?"

"Yes, touching my knee it the pub, whispering dirty suggestions into my ear."

"Dirty old man!"

"Yes, I suppose he was, though in the 'dirty' scheme of things I think I gave as good as I got. He was certainly aroused. He probably didn't expect to find a woman so up for it in the BHS café!"

"You mean he didn't realise?"

"He had no idea. We ended up in the car park snogging furiously, heavy petting I suppose. It was my one and only time properly as a woman with a man, not as a TV I mean. "

"And...?"

"And nothing. He gave me his number but I didn't call him. OK he was a bit of a nutter but it was what I was after at the time. I just wanted to see if I could 'pass' with a man. But that meeting did give me the confidence to dress as a woman and go out even more. I've never been picked up like that since though. Mind you, I stay away from that BHS café!"

Jeff and I had chatted on for a while. Eventually he'd asked me if he could see what I looked like dressed up. I said no, really I was going to have to take some time to get over that conversation. I'd been stressed thinking about it, I needed to wind down after that. Anyway my therapist I was seeing at the time had advised against it when I'd mentioned it to her.

And so on that Wednesday morning I drove across town to the bank, ostensibly to re-sign in front of a witness so that cheques signed 'Fiona Fletcher' from the store's account would still be honoured. But also, for the first time, to confront my best mate Jeff in my new persona. His regular secretary must have been on holiday, he had a temp in that day. She smiled when I went in, and announced me as we went in to see him

"Miss Fletcher," was all she said, then turned and closed the door.

I faced Jeff, This was an important moment for me. Jeff just stood there for a moment, looking me up and down.

"Welcome, Fiona," he said, holding out his hand.

I shook it gently. He didn't let go.

"And this time, Fiona, I AM going to kiss you."

And he did. Just on the cheek, just briefly. "Let's do the formal stuff first, shall we?"

He called in one of his staff, someone I didn't know, but he took his boss's word that I was who I said I was in witnessing my 'new' signature on the documentation. Then Jeff called for two coffees, we sat down together, alone again after the interruptions.

"OK so I call you Fiona. You look like a Fiona. But somehow I have to remember the person behind the clothes is my old friend Fred."

"Something like that."

"OK. This isn't going to be easy, Fiona. Really, you do look great. Even though I know, Fiona, I'd take you for 100% woman. Or is just saying that unkind in some way? I want to be honest with you but I'm still not sure how to speak to you."

"To be honest Jeff, I don't know either. I've never changed sex before!"

We discussed things for a few minutes, one item of store / bank business, more discussion about my change of status, where I saw myself being in the coming months and years. And on the way out, not exactly in public but as he was showing me out, and in full view of any of his staff who happened to be watching, I got another kiss. Short again but definitely sweet.

Back at the store I arrived just in time to greet Emma just as she arrived. She didn't recognise me immediately either and was again complimentary on how well I 'passed' as female. But we never did have lunch. She had been called across town yet again to sort out an assistant manager who hadn't been as meticulous as the company liked in doing his job. So we only got ten minutes together in the café.

While we were in there, I tried not to notice but I did get a few strange and not very polite looks from some of the staff in there. Mainly men, boys rather. It wasn't really surprising to me that almost all the female staff I met that day were coping well with the new situation of their manager. It was the guys who were having problems.

After Emma had gone I hid for a little while, I admit, in my office. Doing some paperwork. Really, in my ten-day absence Gavin had stood in extremely well, I knew I was bound to lose him soon. He'd make a good manager somewhere and I'd have to give him a good reference if he wanted to move upwards somewhere.

And then a situation in the café came to my rescue. I got a call that there was a problem, one of the customers was asking loudly to see the manager. I went down into the store to investigate. A rather stout woman had complained about the service she had received and was demanding to see me. The bakery manager was trying to placate her.

"Hell. Mrs Chivers? I'm Fiona Fletcher, the manager, would you like to come up to my office and we can try to sort out the problem."

She was obviously wrong. No, it's not true the customer is always right. Eventually I had to call up one of the café staff, in fact one of the young men who I think had been sniggering at lunchtime when I'd been in there with Emma. But this time instead of being with one or two of his friends, he was alone. And worried. After all he was being called up by senior staff after a customer complaint. I spoke to him outside my office first, out of Mrs Chivers' earshot.

"Look, Harry. This woman is in the wrong, don't worry. I just have to get us both out of it. OK?"

"Er - yes."

He didn't say 'Sir', and he didn't say 'Miss Fletcher' or anything like that. Just left it blank, as it were. He was on his own now and though I'd tried to reassure him, embarrassment had replaced concern about his job.

I realised to an extent why. Over the years I'd begun to realise that, however many men are themselves trannies or TS or TG or whatever, a very large fraction of males have an interest or fascination, however well hidden, with men dressed as woman. The number of drag artistes around bore witness to that. And here I was, previously his apparently male boss, sitting in front of him in a tight-ish blouse. Quite probably he could see my bra through my top, and my nylon-clad legs crossed in front of him. Simply he didn't know where to look. I decided to get this little episode over with quickly.

"Right Harry. We'll go back in and see Mrs Chivers. I'll give you a telling off in front of her and a store voucher as some small sort of apology. You have to say you're sorry, and sound as it you mean it. OK? And don't worry, after that it's back to work."

So we did, and she seemed satisfied when I admonished him. And he was very grateful, again not too sure how to thank me. I sent him back down to the café, told him his job was safe and all that. And hoped he'd get the message to his colleagues that the 'new boss' was really an OK person. Rather than a good guy, that is. I relaxed a bit after that. And then Emma rang. She'd been tracked down at our other store and had some surprising, and rather disturbing, news.

"I've just had a call, Fiona. From Sam Merriman himself. He's coming to Brum this afternoon. He wants to meet this 'Fiona Fletcher' for himself. I suggested my hotel, the Coventry Parkway. How about it - dinner at eight?"

Dinner! Shit! And with old man Merriman himself. I really didn't want that, not yet. I mean, dinner! In a posh hotel. On my very first day as a woman.

"Really, Fiona, you can do it. In fact you have to. If you were still - how can I put this - well, as Fred you just wouldn't even think of saying 'no' to an invite like this from the MD. So if you do refuse he will assume in some way you're failing, and therefore it could be argued you might fail as Store Manager. It would weaken your case. You really have to say 'Yes'. Am I right?"

I had to agree.

"And if you do - no - when you do acquit yourself well, it cuts down his room for manoeuvre. I think he's still getting some pressure to do something, not just let you carry on. I know the lawyers at Head Office are worried about setting this precedent. Anyway, see you there. And look, how about getting your lovely Assistant Manager to escort you? That would look good?"

"He's married, Emma. It might not look so good after all. Anyway, I'm not so sure about Gavin, not for that job, not yet anyway."

"Oh well. I think you should ask him, you might be surprised. "

This still needed some thought. I'd never actually met Sam Merriman myself though I obviously knew quite a lot about him. He still ran the stores in much the same was as his father Jim had done when he'd started the first store, and opened several others, forty years ago. But he'd added modern methods and technology very carefully and effectively, that was one of the reasons there had been all that take-over talk not so long ago.

But he was my boss, at least my boss's boss and deserved my respect. And he got it, I liked very much the way he ran things. If he didn't approve of what I was doing, after meeting me that is, I really might have to reconsider. Not re-think my gender of course, just whether I could or should carry on in the job.

So the meeting was vital. And I got Emma's point, I could tell she was on my side by then. Having Gavin there would be a good idea. I called Kate in and told her about it, and about Emma's suggestion.

"Good idea, he'd back you, I'm sure."

But that fell through. Gavin was very apologetic and was very reluctant to turn down the offer of a free meal at the Parkway but he had to. Having done my job for nearly two weeks he hadn't had enough time at home, and that night his little daughter was in a concert at her school. He'd promised to attend, he hoped I would understand.

When he'd left Kate surprised me. "How about Jeff?"

She obviously knew him, quite well, he often called in or she went to see him at the bank sometimes.

"Do you think he would?"

"Well Fiona, he did send those flowers, he's clearly very supportive, I mean he's been your best mate for years hasn't he? And from what you said yesterday he coped very well when you told him everything, and this morning too. I think he might. And if you can't take your Assistant Manager, I'm sure your bank manager would more than do."

She was, of course, right. I didn't ask her to ring Jeff, I rang him myself. He made some joke about having to ask his wife about going to dinner with another woman but he did say yes. After all, Sam Merriman is a big client of his bank, it was in his and their interests to stay on good terms. I told Kate, and had to ask her a favour.

"Kate. I have two decent dresses. Decent I mean, suitable for a dinner with the MD. Would you do something for me - call round at my house at about seven tonight, please? I'd really welcome your advice."