Fallen

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A story of Angels and Demons.
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The unremitting darkness stares back at me as I look out into the oppressive black sky. I can feel another tear run along the well worn tracks in the grime on my face as I remember gliding on the winds in the bright sunshine before my imprisonment. I gaze upon the utter blackness, without moon or stars, and wish for even a single point of light. When I was in the total darkness of a stone cell in the depths of the castle, my memories were vivid and powerful, driving me to sob for hours over the loss of my freedom. Now, in a tower cell with open windows to look out at a sky that is just out of reach, my tears never stop. Being so close to the freedom and joy of flight, with only the steel of my shackles between me and my freedom, has almost broken me. I don't know how much longer my will can hold against such torture.

Before my imprisonment, I was an angel; and not just any angel. I was an angel of light and love, the freest and most joyful of all angels. I would fly and sing with my sisters, reveling in all of the beauty and wonder that is life. I would watch humanity create and discover love and beauty again and again through the millennia of my life. Each new discovery of love in every aspect would fill me with a holy light and draw a song from my lips as I praised His name for all of Heaven to hear. I reveled in the joy of watching a new mother discover the love of a newborn child. I would sing of young love, still new and uncertain, or love long cherished by a couple together happily for twenty years. I would celebrate the tight love of a small family as it grew into the love of uncles, aunts, grandparents and cousins.

Were it not for my Fall, I would still be able to experience the love that He shows all of his creations and celebrate that same love as humans experience it in all of its infinite and glorious forms. I Fell because I loved one human above all others. It is a love reserved for Him. It was a love I gave to another to save his life. It is for that love that I must now suffer eternal banishment.

His name was Jacob and he was perfect. As he grew from a boy into a man, I remember how deeply he felt every emotion, especially love. When he was of age, he fell powerfully in love with a young woman from his village and took her as his wife.

Their marriage was perfect. She bore him a son and two daughters and he loved them as deeply as he loved his wife. It was a love so wonderful it almost hurt.

When his village was raided by Northmen, it was the first time that I truly felt fear. When he was captured and forced to watch as his wife was beaten and raped to death and his children sacrificed to pagan gods, it was the first time I felt true sorrow.

I picked up his body where it had been beaten and left for dead and took him to a cave to tend his wounds. He had fitful sleep and cried out his wife's name many times in the night. I healed his wounds but, no matter how hard I tried, I was unable to heal the rift in his soul. I was gone by the time he woke; my tears, the only evidence of my presence.

He lived in the cave for months. He would neither hunt nor gather. His only sustenance was what I would leave at the mouth of the cave while he slept. He never questioned where it came from, only ate it and lay back down, staring at the wall and wishing to die.

Watching Jacob wish for death broke something inside me. He was a lost soul that was begging to be saved. I wanted to take away his sorrow so much that it burned within me. I knew that it was forbidden to do what I was about to do but I believed that taking some of his pain and burden would be a forgivable offense. In my heart, I know I did the right thing but now I must suffer for it.

On a dark, moonless night when he refused to eat yet again, I silently crept into the cave where he slept. His breathing was uneven and his body was restless. He muttered her name at least seven times as I watched him sleep.

Carefully, I altered my form slightly. My hair and skin became a little darker as my eyes shifted to a dark hazel. I forced my body to age slightly and become less curvaceous. Once I was satisfied, I ensured that I was clothed in a translucent robe that gave off an almost imperceptible diffuse light.

I knew that humans had preconceptions about spirits and I didn't want him to believe that I was truly alive. It would only hurt him more. As I reached out to wake him, I became apprehensive.

Should I really be doing this? The fact that I had to ask almost made me stop but I still believe, even now, that I was doing the right thing.

He awoke slowly, coming out of his tortured sleep to see my current form standing before him. As he gazed at the image before him, I could tell that he believed himself to still be dreaming. Tears gathered in his eyes as he looked up at me and I knelt down, the tears in my own eyes mirroring his.

"I'm sorry," he said breathlessly, his voice catching as he spoke. "I'm sorry I couldn't... couldn't stop them."

"Hush now my darling," I whispered, trying to appear serene. "You are a good man and I love you. We are in heaven with God now. It is a wonderful and joyous place full of light and laughter."

"Truly?" His voice was so full of desperate hope.

"Truly. Please, try to be at peace. Your children and I will wait for you until we can be together again."

"I... I know it is a sin but... I want to come to you now."

"You mustn't. Your sin would deny us from each other for eternity. Do not hasten your demise, beloved. Live while you have life."

"But... I miss you so," he sobbed. "How can I go on without you?"

"You must find a way and then come to us when your earthly life is finished, not before. It will get better. I promise."

I kissed him. I meant it to be a chaste kiss farewell but something in that kiss drew me to him. I watched him fall into that kiss and desperately cling to me as he deepened it. I felt a strangeness to my own body as his mouth opened and drew my lips apart. His tongue darted into my mouth and I began to tingle all over. Somehow, I began to collapse, my knees no longer supporting me, and fell into his embrace.

The kiss was completely forbidden and every instinct cried out that I was committing the most cardinal of our sins but every fiber of my being told me that this was right. I was doing something right and pure, taking a burden from a man who did not deserve to suffer so.

I couldn't explain why my body felt so strange or why my legs were unable to hold me once his tongue began stroking my own. I tried to emulate his motions but it was difficult. I could feel his hands on my body and began to fidget with a restlessness that I didn't understand. When my inner thighs began rubbing together with something slick on them, I wondered if I had fallen into a puddle on the floor but the distraction of the man holding me soon drove the thought from my mind.

As the clothes began to peel from my body, I realized what he wanted and that I could give it to him. It was something that I was completely unprepared for, but I chose to give him what he needed. If one last night with his wife would heal some of the pain and sorrow of his life, I would be honored to give it to him.

His body was emaciated from weeks of barely eating but his firm hands and strong erect member gave me no reason to worry about his lack of nutrition. I noticed the scars of his battle with the raiders first. They were still recovering and showed an angry red in the firelight. His member was large and thick with a red, bulbous head poking out from the foreskin.

I was nervous as he began to suckle my breasts and I felt the tip of him brush against my most intimate parts. Though the body I wore was not virginal, having given birth to his children, I had never lain with a man before. The act was forbidden to us.

When his member slid along my core, I realized that the wetness on my thighs was coming from me. I didn't have time to question it though. When I felt him slide into me, it sent all other thoughts scattering.

The instant Jacob penetrated me, it was like the world held its breath and then let it out in a sharp cry. Something inside me changed and my mind went completely blank at the sensation. I couldn't decide what it felt like even as another sensation began to build as he slid in and out of me. It was on an edge between a pain and pleasure that I had never experienced before.

After a time, I felt something inside me break and a pleasure like nothing else that I had ever experienced radiated from my core. The sky opened up in a thunderous explosion that shook my body to its very core and I could feel each stroke of his penetration in every fiber of my body. I was terrified, fearing that the voice of God himself was speaking to me but the ecstasy transformed my fear into wondrous love and joy. I was certain that I felt the tremors of the earth as it began to reform itself after the sky exploded and my senses left me.

Slowly, I began to realize that I was still being penetrated and that the earth below and sky above were as they had been before. There was no chorus of my angelic siblings or voice of God. The explosions and tremors had been those of physical pleasure and the rapture had been the physical love that I was experiencing from the man in my embrace. It was the most glorious feeling that I had ever felt and could feel it building again.

My second rapture convinced me that God had forgiven my sin and that my reasons were noble. Before I became insensible once again, I felt something change and then heard a grunt as a new sensation drove me out of my senses. I came back to myself breathing hard and feeling different. As an angel, I could sense the life around me and something was radiating from within me. It wasn't a life but it was alive. It was full of energy and promise. I looked down and saw the love and regret in Jacob's eyes and realized that he had given me his seed.

I remained in his embrace for some time, holding him until he slept. As I briefly made myself incorporeal once again and faded out of his embrace, a choked sob escaped his throat and he awoke to a darkened cave with only the smoldering embers of the fire providing any light.

At first, his sorrow was more profound than ever but a steel determination gripped him and I could only imagine that he was remembering what I told him. He looked back at the bed and knew that someone had truly been there with him. His sorrow lessened even more and he began to pack his things.

My joy at lessening his sorrow was short lived as I realized that it was the only joy that I felt. I was in my own body but something was wrong. I felt sad. I felt like something was lost and that I would never get it back. For the first time in the long history of my existence, I felt alone.

There was an emptiness in my core that made me feel hollow and depressed. It was a foreign feeling and I wasn't certain why it was happening or how to deal with it. Tears began streaming down my eyes as I tried to feel any happiness or joy. My wonder at every daily miracle, and even existence itself, was completely lost. All that was left was a heavy weight centered on the emptiness inside of me.

I sank to the ground and realized that my body looked different. I held up my hands and tried to figure out what looked wrong but couldn't figure it out until I realized that the color was wrong. Usually, my skin glowed with a golden light from inside. Now, it was just skin. I stared in horror at the opaque flesh that was so alien to my natural, glowing complexion.

Looking down, I felt my wings rustle and realized that they were heavier than I remembered. My horror grew as I turned my gaze to the upper curve of my right wing. Utter despair gripped me at the sight of my once gloriously glowing, dove white wings, their ashen color looking sickly and utterly lifeless. A choked sob escaped my throat as I extended the wing to run my fingers over the rough texture of what used to be silken feathers.

I didn't want to believe what was happening. I had been a good angel. I had inspired and comforted mortals for all of the centuries of their existence. Everything that I had ever done had been for the glory of God and the good of the mortals that I aided. With Jacob, I had done it only to grant him peace and allow him to find happiness once again. How could that be a sin?

I shook my head, denial heavy upon my heart and I spread my wings and tried to leap into the sky. Soaring through the dark expanse of the night sky would have been wonderful, were I able to get off the ground. I hit the packed earth hard, my wings responding too sluggishly to pull me into the air.

Flight was as natural to me as breathing is to humans. I desperately worked my wings and tried again, managing to lift myself into the sky. My muscles burned as I pumped with all my might, only to be drifting slowly and sluggishly up from where I had just stood. When one of my flight muscles gave out, I fell the few feet back to the ground. Looking around, I realized that feathers had been coming loose and falling as I beat my wings. It was depressing that I only managed to go maybe ten feet for all the effort that it took.

Lying on the ground, I cried. For the first time in my long existence, I actually cried. Huge choking sobs racked my body as I wailed at the loss of my flight. As I lay there on the ground, surrounded by feathers falling from my tattered wings, I lost myself in sorrow. I called out for understanding, begging to know why. Finally, my cries obviously landing on deaf ears, grew quiet. I had no more energy and lay there quietly sobbing as the night dragged on.

"Crying isn't going to do any good."

I started at the tinkling, light feminine voice, looking up both hoping for and dreading the sight of another angel. I craved the glorious sight of one of my sisters but hated that one would see me tied to the earth by my tattered wings. What I saw before me was no angel and I fought revulsion at the creature standing close enough to reach out and touch.

The demon stood before me in the guise of an adolescent human female. Her body was small, like a young girl, but as fully developed as a woman. Her scarlet hair flowed loose down to the small of her back. She had large, emerald green eyes that would have made her round, immature face seem even younger had it not been for the very mature, jaded look in them. Her clothes were certainly not made for the body of a child and she filled them out completely. The expensive red dress did nothing to hide the curves of her body and the sash below her bust emphasized the unnatural development of large breasts for one of her apparent age. Everything about her spoke of experience and maturity, belying her diminutive body.

She looked at me with a cross of pity and amusement, immediately making me hate her. The feeling felt so natural that I didn't realize that I was actually feeling hate. I froze, my eyes going wide as I recognized the feeling. At my shock, her crooked smile grew almost imperceptibly.

"Begone, demon," I said quietly, not wanting to be mocked by one such as her. I heard the tinkling bells of her laughter and became furious that she would stand there and laugh at my pain.

I could hardly speak past the knot in my throat. The alien emotions inside me warred until anger won out and I felt something tighten in my stomach. I wanted to hurt her for laughing at me. I wanted to take all of my frustration, sorrow, and anger out on her. I wanted to lash out at someone and leapt for her, intending to do as much harm as possible.

My body lurched forward but moved awkwardly and I found myself face down in mud, listening to her laughter. Carefully, I dragged myself out of the mud and wiped my face, feeling utterly humiliated. My sorrow crashed upon me and I began to sob uncontrollably.

"I told you," she said tartly, her voice pitched to sound like a very well cultured young girl, "crying will do you no good."

I couldn't help myself. I was weak, feeling pain, and frightened by the strange new emotions that had already overwhelmed me. I wept into my hands as rain began to fall from a dark, predawn sky.

"Fine," I heard her sigh. "Go ahead and get it out now but we're getting out of this rain."

I felt her hand on my shoulder and tried to jerk away at her touch. She gripped me tightly until my senses reeled as she transported us somewhere else. The sensation shocked me enough to dry my tears completely. She should not have been able to do that to me. As an angel, only another angel or Satan himself can do that and she definitely wasn't either of those.

My shock must have shown on my face because she gave me another look of pity before it disappeared in her distaste as she looked down at her dress. Muttering a curse, she used some of her power to dry herself off and return her to her previous appearance. I thought it was petty but, not to be outdone by a demon, I tried the same thing.

Nothing happened.

I looked down through the wet strands of my hair at the mud that covered part of my body and tried again, becoming more alarmed when it failed to work a second time. If I wasn't frightened before, I certainly was now. I was so frantic and concentrating so hard that I almost missed what she said next.

"It's not going to work, so just stop trying."

I looked up at her and watched the haughty look of distaste soften into one of almost sympathetic understanding. I hated that look on her most of all.

"Why don't you just leave me alone?" I said softly, desperately hoping that she would actually listen.

"I am here," she said carefully and with more than a little disdain, "to help you in your transition." She said it as though she was doing me a favor. I had no idea what she meant until a terrible thought came to me.

I stared up at her in horror as I realized what was happening. My weakness and new, strange emotions, my ashen skin and dying wings, the demon now linked to me enough to teleport me to... to someplace out of the rain; I had been cut off from my angelic powers. I had Fallen.

"Nononononono..." I whimpered frantically, rising in pitch until I was screaming it over and over. I tried to leap at her and only managed to again fall to the ground. I lay there hugging myself, eyes wide and unseeing as I whispered my denial.

Something touched my shoulder but I didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. I was banished from The Presence and had lost the ability to feel Him. His love was closed to me, making me feel alone for the first time in the millennia of my existence. I had no one. No angel could even stand to be in my presence. Right then, I wanted to die.

As I wailed, I felt something touch me before gently pulling me into an embrace. I didn't even have the energy to care who was holding me as I wept, hearing whispered words of understanding and comfort from a soft, feminine voice. I didn't question that a demon cared enough to comfort me or that I accepted her comfort. It didn't matter that she was there to drag me to Hell, forcing me to convert and then live as a demon. All that mattered was the sorrow that overwhelmed me at my banishment into darkness.

As I sobbed, I felt something change. There was no sound and I no longer felt weak. My wings seemed as light as they always had and impossible hope filled my heart. I opened my eyes wide to take in my surroundings and saw... nothing.

Utter blackness surrounded me. I panicked and felt the arms that held me slip away, leaving me alone in the darkness. Frantically, I felt around myself but cold, damp stone was the only sensation. Through my panic, I could still feel the emptiness inside me and began to sob hysterically into the empty blackness.