Fantasy, Loss, and Summer Love

Celia drew a deep breath and fell silent for a moment. Her body stiff. The muscles in her legs were hard as rocks. I sensed, rather than heard or felt something in her. A groan is not the right word. It was more like a soft, distant roar, emanating from somewhere deep within her. Like the ocean crashing against a distant cliff during a storm.

Celia's legs straightened suddenly and shook almost violently. Her upper torso twisted and undulated. Her piercing cry might have deafened me but her thighs, tightly squeezing my head, muffled it. Her legs recoiled suddenly without releasing their grip on my head. My ears burned so badly it felt like she tore them off.

Celia had finally escaped my ministrations but not before I'd fulfilled my quest. My face was wet from my nose down. Celia was gasping for breath. Both hands were pressed against her sex, desperately trying to quell the sensations wracking her body. I'd tell you I was pleased with myself, but that would be understating how happy I felt. Celia had already given me so much. I was ecstatic about giving her what I could.

While Celia's body slowly calmed, I climbed out of the pool and quickly dried myself. She was still trembling when I took her in my arms and carried her to one of the lounge chairs.

'My god, Keith!' she said softly. 'Why did you do that?'

'I thought you would enjoy it. You never hesitated to suck my cock. It was way past time to return the favor,' I told her with a smile.

'You didn't mind? Being down there?' she gasped, clinging to me tightly.

'Why would I? I asked. 'I've tried before but you always steered me away. Rather assertively.'

'It's just . . .' her voice trailed off without finishing whatever it was she wanted to say. After a moment of silence, she asked, 'Is it always like that?'

'Was that your first time, Celia? No one has ever done that for you?' Still trembling, Celia shook her head no. 'Honestly, I have no idea. It was the first time I've done it, too. My ex-girlfriend wouldn't let me. The first night we were together was the first time I experienced any kind of oral sex. It was so amazing, I had to return the favor.'

'My husband wouldn't go there. Actually, he wouldn't let me take him into my mouth, either.'

'My ex-girlfriend was kind of squeamish. She wanted nothing to do with oral sex. She never wanted a second round of sex, either.'

'Keith, I don't want to talk anymore. At least not now. Make love to me.'

We spent the next couple hours on that lounge chair. The pool house was locked otherwise we might have showered. We went for a quick swim instead. The night was almost gone when we got back to the house. The sky to the east was gray instead of black. A few wispy cirrus clouds low on the horizon had a faintly pink tinge. We went around to the back of the house when we found the front door locked.

Our return was awkward. My father was sitting quietly on the deck, having a cigarette. 'Where the hell have you two been?' he asked pointedly.

I could always tell when my father was angry with me. He wasn't angry. Rather, I thought he sounded suspicious. I hesitated to answer for a moment. 'We went for a walk,' I told him. 'I guess we lost track of time.'

Celia weighed in, trying to take the heat. 'It's my fault, Chet. I was feeling kind of down and wanted to talk. Keith was kind enough to listen. I haven't really had someone close to my age I felt I could talk to since I moved here. Keith has become a confidant this summer. He's a good listener.'

'It's not entirely Celia's fault. I wasn't in a hurry to come back,' I said.

'Celia, you should go get some sleep,' my father said. 'Keith, I want to talk to you for a minute.'

'Okay,' Celia said. 'I'll see everyone at breakfast.'

My father watched Celia go inside. Once she was in the house, he turned his attention back to me. 'Where were you?' he asked as he exhaled the last drag of his smoke, snuffing the butt out in the ash tray he held.

'We found our way onto Tilton Meadows and walked most of the course while we talked. We sat by the pool for a while.'

'You went for a swim, too. I can smell the chlorine.'

'We did,' I admitted.

'Neither of you had a swimsuit. And your clothes aren't wet.'

'We didn't have swimsuits,' I admitted.

My father looked down at the deck and shook his head. 'Should I be concerned about anything?' he asked when he looked back up at me.

'There's nothing to worry about, Dad.'

'I'm going back to bed. Try to get a little more sleep. You should get some sleep, too. The repair man is due at eight.' We headed for the house together. When we got to the door, he stopped and looked at me before he opened the slider. 'Does she look as good as I think she does?' He asked.

I smiled. 'Better, Dad.'

'Watch yourself, son.'

'She's just a friend, Dad.' I assured him. I hated lying to him. But I didn't want him to worry. I was sure my mother would learn of when I'd come home. Where I'd been with Celia. And that we'd gone skinny-dipping.

'Yeah, a friend you've seen naked,' were my father's last words.

My mother didn't wake me until after ten. The house was already cooling; refreshingly cool air was blowing out of the duct in my bedroom.

'Come out and get some breakfast while it's still hot,' she said from doorway. 'The repairman left a little while ago. We should get moving if we're going to the beach club.'

Celia had just sat down to eat when I got to the kitchen. She was already dressed for the beach club, wearing a coverup and shorts.

My father came in from the deck a moment later, carrying a cooler. 'Eat up and take a quick shower. I want to get going soon.' He took it to the kitchen and started packing it with food from the fridge. If he was upset with me about last night, I didn't detect it. I wolfed down the last of the omelet left on the stove with a glass of orange juice, then left to get ready. Other than Mom and Dad talking about what we were taking to the beach club, there was no conversation while I was in the kitchen. The conversation on the drive was relaxed. I wondered if my father mentioned my late return. He sometimes cut me some slack when I pushed my luck.

There wasn't much of a beach at the beach club, just a small sandy area on a large pond. It wasn't appealing. The water was a muddy orange-brown. It had a slight rotten eggs smell, like the well water at the house. Fortunately, there was also a large pool and a kiddie pool. My parents led the way to an area under a large oak where there were several already-occupied picnic tables and a couple empty ones. Many of the people already there had been at the house. Unsurprisingly, Katherine was there. It wasn't long before she was my constant companion. I could see Celia was amused at my exasperation. I did my best to be friendly but not too friendly. None of her friends were there until later, when her girlfriend Beverly showed up. I was going to be stuck with Katherine and her friend. Under the watchful eye of their parents. Not that they had much to worry about.

Dr. Chapman eventually convinced Celia to go for a swim. I was poolside hanging out with Katherine and Beverly. When Celia took her wrap off, almost everything stopped. The sleek, sapphire blue one-piece she wore was amazing. Katherine stopped talking midsentence. Only the little kids didn't check her out. Dr. Chapman smiled like a kid that found his every wish under the Christmas tree.

I got something of a surprise later in the day. Katherine dragged me off to play catch with a Frisbee while Beverly was talking, arguing really, with her parents. While we were walking to an area devoid of people, she said, 'I saw you late last night.'

I felt myself tense a bit but maintained my composure. 'Oh, where was that?'

'Tilton Meadows,' she said simply. After a moment's hesitation, she continued. 'Beverly stayed over last night. My parents' house is in Brookside, on the other side of Tilton Meadows from here. We snuck out of the house to go for a swim. We saw you and Celia at the pool. We were going to skinny-dip, too. But Beverly didn't want to take her clothes off in front of people she didn't know.'

If I hadn't already been sweating profusely, I might have broken into a sweat. 'I don't know what to say.'

'Do your parents know you and Celia are . . . together?' she asked.

'Not yet,' I said softly.

'Don't worry, I won't say anything to them. But how come she's hanging out with Dr. Chapman?'

'We're keeping things to ourselves for the time being. Celia's our neighbor and a little older than me. Mom has tried to fix her up a couple times. This is one of those times. Celia's playing nice for my mother's sake. But she's already told me she's not interested in Dr. Chapman.'

'It must be difficult to watch.'

'I'm not enjoying it. In her case, I think she's amused by the attention you're paying me.'

'You can relax, Keith. I knew you weren't interested in me yesterday. I didn't know why but I understand now. Celia's gorgeous,' she said softly. 'And if last night is any indication . . .,' her voice trailed off.

'It's much more than just involved to me, Katherine. '

'I hope we can be friends when we get to school in September,' Katherine said.

'I don't see why not. We're not likely to see much of each other unless we make a point of it. Maybe we can have lunch or supper together sometimes.'

'That would be nice. And it will help keep my father off my back,' she said. Then she smiled. 'Celia scared the shit out of Beverly last night. I was just jealous. Wishing it was me. It sounded like one hell of an orgasm!' Then she snatched the Frisbee from me and ran off a bit before tossing it to me.

I felt much more at ease with Katherine the rest of the afternoon. She and Beverly left for the day at about four. We stayed until after we had dinner.

As dinner was being served, Dr. Chapman asked Celia if she was ready to go. She begged off politely, saying she wasn't up for it. When he asked what her plans were for the next day, she whispered something to him. They walked off a short distance and spoke for a few minutes. I didn't hear their exchange, but he didn't look happy. He left immediately, without saying goodbye to anyone.

I was getting a plate nearby when Celia returned. My mother had an eyebrow up. 'You're not joining Harold for dinner?' she asked.

Celia shook her head. 'Not tonight, Dottie.'

'I'm sorry. I thought you and Harold would like each other.'

'He likes me well enough,' Celia said.

'What's wrong? He's always nice to the nurses at work. Not like many of the doctors.'

'Of course, he is, Dottie,' Celia said without elaborating.

'You weren't impressed with him?' my mother asked.

'He's impressed enough with himself for both of us,' was Celia's reply. She had a grin on her face when she said it. I thought it was funny, too. Mom didn't.

My mother said something to Celia, but it too softly for me to hear it.

'Well, he'd never get any of the nurses to screw him if he wasn't nice to them,' Celia said. She didn't raise her voice when she said it. But she didn't whisper, either. Nearly everyone heard it.

My father nearly choked on his hot dog and turned away, trying to hide the smile on his face. Several people made no such effort. One of the other women in attendance, who worked with my mother, laughed heartily, then said, 'I tried to warn you, Dottie.'

I never told Celia about my conversation with Katherine.

We went into Augusta on Saturday. After spending some time on the riverwalk, my mother and Celia went shopping together. My father and I found a brew pub and watched a baseball game while Mom and Celia shopped. We had dinner out in Augusta and then went back to the house. Everyone turned in early. Celia and I stayed on the deck a little later, but we didn't go for another walk. It wasn't something we discussed. We both knew instinctively that it might raise eyebrows and suspicions.

Sunday, we stayed in. I basked in the central air conditioning, a luxury I wished we had at home. At five, Dad drove us to Augusta where we met Mr. Bogosian for our return home. When I watched my father and Mr. Bogosian talk, Mr. Bogosian was almost deferential to my father. I thought it was odd but I didn't think too much about it at the time.

Once home again Sunday night, Celia and I returned to our routine. Something had changed between us, though. Our bond was stronger. We spent nearly every night together. We even began doing some things in public together, though we kept it low-key. We grocery shopped together. We went to dinner a few times in neighboring towns. We went into Boston twice where we were sure not to see anyone we knew. We spent the day on the Freedom Trail and had dinner in a nice restaurant on one trip. On another, we went to Fenway where we saw the Red Sox drop a game to the Kansas City Royals. We drove to Cape Cod the first Saturday in August and got a room in Hyannis for the night. We spent Sunday at Craigville Beach.

The night we were driving back from Cape Cod, Jerry and Rebecca saw us drive by them at an intersection. They were headed the same way we were and fell into traffic behind us. Jerry said they didn't think anything of seeing us together at first. But when they saw Celia duck down and not sit back up, it didn't take much to figure out what Celia was doing while I drove the last few miles home. Especially since, as Rebecca said, 'Your driving got a little erratic.'

Celia finally said the words I'd been hoping to hear while we were making love the night we returned from the Cape.

'I love you, Keith,' she said breathlessly as we held each other at one point that night. She repeated it several times that night.

I was ecstatic when I heard it. I could finally voice a sentiment I'd been struggling to suppress since coming back from Georgia. 'I love you, too, Celia. I think I have since the day we met.' We stayed up almost all night, making love. It was a sentiment we each expressed regularly the rest of the summer. And every time we talked or saw each other after I returned to school.

I was a zombie when I went to work the next morning. Mr. Nelson interpreted my lethargy as being sick and suggested I go home for the day, offering to cover for me. I took him up on the offer and spent most of the day in bed with Celia. Mostly, we slept. Mostly.

Two weeks before Labor Day. My father called. 'Ready to go back to school?' he asked to open the conversation.

'Looking forward to it,' I assured him. Being away from Celia was going to be difficult to bear. I kept that to myself.

'Do you think you can figure how to get there on your own?' he asked. 'Mom can't get away; she has to work the holiday weekend. I leave for equipment checkouts at vendors on Wednesday and can't get back until the Saturday after the holiday. I'm sorry but it can't be helped. I wanted to see you again before school started.'

'One way or another, I can get there, Dad. I'll miss you guys, but I'll be okay.'

'Take your truck, if you have to.'

'Maybe, but I probably can't keep it at school. I had to apply for a parking permit for this year last semester if I wanted to have a car on campus this year. There aren't many student-parking spaces. They go fast.'

'See what you can do. Take a taxi. Hire a limo if you have to,' he said with a laugh. 'I'll cover the cost.'

'That would make a splash,' I laughed. There were kids who arrived at school in Mercedes Benzes. One I'd seen freshman year arrived with his parents in a Bentley. But I already knew who I'd ask to take me to school. And I was sure she'd be happy to bring me.

Celia took me to school. I wanted to close the door for some intimate time before she left but dropping me off was all that happened that day. It wasn't long before we were both busy with school. We talked on the phone frequently. We had a weekend together in late September and two more in October. In November, I only saw her during Thanksgiving. I missed my parents that holiday, but I spent Thanksgiving Day with my grandparents, paternal in the morning, maternal later in the day. When I left my grandparents' house for home, I went home first and called my parents. Then I went to Celia's. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were spent with Celia in the guest room at my house.

My parents flew me to Georgia for Christmas break. I didn't see Celia at all; I returned directly to school for the start of the semester, catching a ride from the airport on a shuttle bus the college provided. We talked regularly but couldn't seem to coordinate any time together. My mother returned home a couple weeks before spring break while my father remained in Georgia to wrap up his project. Mom picked me up at school to take me home for spring break. I looked forward to seeing Celia, though I knew we'd have to be careful now that Mom was home.

When I got home, a minivan was parked in Celia's driveway. At first, I thought she had family visiting. But then I saw the real estate agency sign posted in front of the house. A sold placard attached to it.

I was confused. My stomach flipped. A moment later, it felt like my guts had been torn out. My mother picked up on my distress immediately.

'Is something wrong, honey?' she asked.

My first instinct was to tell her everything was fine, but I knew she wouldn't buy it. Instead, I asked, 'Celia moved? I was looking forward to seeing her. Where did she go?' My fervent hope was that she had just moved across town.

'I don't know,' my mother replied. 'The house was empty and there was an 'Under Contract' board under the For Sale sign when I got home.' Mom was quiet for a moment. 'I understand you and Celia grew close last summer.'

'We did, Mom. I saw more of her than I saw of my friends. Mostly because of the summer work schedules we all had. Jerry and Rebecca were the only ones I saw frequently. It was weird being home alone all the time. Celia filled a void with you and Dad gone.'

'Your father told me about your walk with Celia while you were in Georgia last summer.' I heard the disapproval in her voice. 'I hope swimming was all you two were up to.'

'Mom, there's nothing you need to worry about,' I said. Especially now, I thought. I'm not convinced she bought it. Maybe she gave me benefit of the doubt. She had no reason not to. I'd never been a difficult kid. Never got in trouble. Did well in school. Sure, they weren't always happy with me. But I was a good son, even if I wasn't always an angel.

I felt lost for the entirety of spring break. I had no idea where Celia went. Or why she hadn't said anything. She called only a few days before I went home for spring break. The last words we exchanged were, 'I love you.'

Things didn't get any better after I returned to school. I managed to make it through the semester without my hurt and anger interfering with my responsibilities. But I know my friends at school could tell something was wrong. I was better senior year, but I dropped some of my responsibilities. I relinquished my position as newspaper editor but stayed on as a sportswriter and returned to being a stringer for the local newspaper. I dated but didn't make a connection with any of the girls I went out with. Katherine became my closest friend and confidant. She quickly figured out I wasn't seeing Celia anymore, but we didn't talk about it in any depth. No, I never slept with her. I think Katherine would have been receptive to an overture. But I couldn't let go of Celia.

I knew what I wanted to do after graduating but struggled to find work. I worked as a stringer for almost two years, producing stories and photos for several newspapers and regional magazines around Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island. Eventually, I caught on with a newspaper in southern Connecticut. I wasn't happy there. I wanted to do something besides cover sports, but the editor wouldn't give me any other assignments. Or consider any I proposed. Shortly before I turned twenty-five, my paternal grandfather came to my rescue, though not in a way I liked. He passed away.