Finding Home Ch. 05

Cassy nodded. "So much of what he demands from me involves self control, mental and physical control... and grace. He requires my grace... he wants me to move slowly always in perfect balance, always a calm expression on my face... silent and slow and graceful..." Her voice was soft and introspective. "I miss it and I fear it at the same time."

"Perfect grace is the embodiment of perfect control."

"I am far from perfect."

"Your Master thinks you are."

"And that makes me a light too bright?"

"Very perceptive. He sees in you something he covets. Sometimes his need for you is overwhelming. Also he fears losing you. Many of his tests are tests of his possession of you as much as a measure of your ability to maintain grace in the face of pain and fatigue."

Cassy's memory flashed back to kneeling with perfect balance upon two pencils simultaneously holding two weights over her head with her hands, perfectly still and balanced, still and silent. Holding perfect posture for what seemed hours, ignoring the quivering fatigue in her arms, ignoring the building pain as the simple ridges under her knees became agony beyond imagining. His soft words of release, telling her to stand. Expecting, no demanding her slow graceful elevation to standing still holding the weights balanced in her palms. Her triumph and pride as she forced her legs to straighten beneath her, embracing and transcending the fatigue and pain, the pride swelling in her chest as she presented the weights to him, still perfectly balanced on her palms, as a tribute to his direction.

"I liked the control. Sometimes it had a beauty that was so exquisite that it broke my heart. And yet I feared failure so much. The disappointment in his eyes was beyond bearing."

"He feels the same way."

"Is he going to be here tomorrow?"

"If he can face the light."

"I wrote him. It is in my journal. Please read it. I kind of rambled a lot about my feelings. If you think it shines too brightly send it back to me."

"Cassy, he needs to learn to come out of the dark. Just like you did. Both of you have been hiding away. He is learning about himself just like you are learning about yourself. It may have been chance that led to your meeting but it was your mutual retreat from life that drew you together. He has grown a lot, what ever you have to say he will be able to hear."

"Did people hurt him like they hurt me?"

"Not the same no. His family loved him very much. They sheltered him perhaps to much, but the world is often cruel to people who look different. His family did not prepare him for the rejections he experienced. He was a very sensitive child, very aware of the reactions of people around him. In addition his poor vision added to his difficulties negotiating the larger world. In the end he retreated into his little world of his home where he could have his control, unaware that he had created a cage as much as he had a refuge."

"I hope he comes tomorrow. I need to see him." Cassy was feeling increasingly sleepy. She could feel the drug slowly dragging her down. "I think I am going to fall asleep soon. Thank you for staying and talking to me."

"I find that it is a good time for getting in touch with feelings, as the day draws to a close. Sleep well Cassy, tomorrow is a whole new day."

Cassy did not hear him leave.