Fingering the Idol

*Normally I get the idea for one of my stories from a show, a movie, a book, or a game. The Bottom Tier series was influenced by 'The Windup Girl', Alone at the End of the World was influenced by 'The Walking Dead'. Slave Boy=Skyrim, Eyes Like Winona=Twist, etc.

This is the first time however, that I got a story idea from a session of D&D. This is a one-shot story, there will be no other chapters to it. I got the idea when a friend of mine was trying to appraise an item with an NPC and my friend rolled a one. My DM told him that he pricked his finger, and I made a joke about the NPC seducing him.

This is a story that will be hilarious and full of hidden jokes, for about half a dozen people. But I hope that any other D&D players will be able to see the outline of our session through this, and get a laugh or two out of it.

All characters are 18+*

*

It was getting more and more dangerous to sail the archipelago.

The Acid Rain pirates had attacked and burned four more ships to the waterline. There were rumors of entire elven villages being destroyed, with nearly half of the population dead and the other half missing. The king's war to the south was getting bloodier every month. Deserters fled north, west, further south.

Captain was getting more and more worried. Which might have been why he let THOSE three on board.

I was up in the rigging when he let them on board. I was supposed to be binding up the mainsail, but I stopped to watch. Barrett mostly hired humans, but none of these three looked human.

I dropped down a little, getting lower. I pretended to be double-checking the knotted rope rigging, and I spied on them.

First there was this bossy little half-elf. Tiny thing. She was in this holy robe with a sigul of one-or-another god on her chest. She had a crossbow slung over her back. She seemed to be doing most of the talking.

Then there was this tall skinny gruesome thing. I couldn't tell much about it at all. Couldn't tell what race it was, couldn't even tell if it was a man or a woman. It had a long braid slung over the right shoulder, but the chest was flat as a wall. Not to mention, it was wearing a soft black face scarf that covered everything but scowly eyes. It towered over the other two, and it was bristling with weapons.

Barrett was intimidated by those two, I could tell.

The third fellow was the most interesting one. Barrett glanced up at me, so I scurried like a monkey to the upper reaches of the ship, but not before I got a good look at the other one.

He was purple. Pale purple. His face looked scaly. I had never seen a purple man before. He wore an open-throated shirt that he hadn't bothered to lace up. A handful of colorful scarves adorned his clothes. Round his waist, round his head, round his neck. He chose them more for the color than anything. Bright silk and jingly charms.

The effect was tawdry, and somewhat charming.

I already made up my mind to get a closer look at the purple man. It would be up to him to decide just how close.

---

Barrett was a hard but fair man. Down in mess, he told the ten of us that the new three were mercenaries. They wanted passage in exchange for protection.

I gobbled my hardtack and salt pork while wondering idly if the purple man was warm like a man, or cold like a lizard.

"The half-elf is Ana, the purple one is Lex..." Barrett made a grimace. "And the tall one calls herself Rat. If I find any of you trying to get into the half-elf's quarters, you'll be whipped. If any of you try to sneak into Rat's quarters, I think she'll kill you before I get the chance. I just want to get to Genofrey in one piece, so try to leave those three alone."

I grinned. He said nothing at all about trying to sneak into Lex's quarters.

"Honestly, James?" I jumped a little. Francis was giving me side-eye. "Fella seemed a little more interested in cozying up to that liddle elf-mutt. You may have a cock, but you're still the biggest whore I've ever seen."

I scowled. "Yeah? And what would you know about it old-timer? You know that there are folks who like oysters AND snails." A man could dream.

He chuckled. "You ever try to tug on my snail and I'll dunk you in the ocean." The burly old sailor got up and went back to the deck.

I went back to wondering if the purple fella had scales all over.

---

By the time I got on deck, we were sailing full-tilt away from the Isle of Pearls. I joined three other lunkheads at the quarterdeck in repairing the mainsail. A run-in with pirates had left it full of arrow-holes. Thankfully, we had been faster. But we wouldn't be for long unless we sewed up all the holes.

I sat on a barrel, pushing a steel needle as long as my hand through the tough canvas.

That half-elf lady was reading a book that looked about as big and heavy as a paving stone. Bernard kept giving her these hungry looks. I rolled my eyes. Fucking amateur. He was probably gonna get a bolt through him if he tried to chase that pussy.

Meanwhile, Lex appeared to be doing... nothing. Man had his legs crossed and was staring glass-eyed at the setting sun. Hadn't moved in almost half an hour. Was he even blinking? That just made me curious.

I grinned when I saw Francis deep in conversation with that gawky titless wonder. Talk about oysters and snails. This bitch probably had both.

I glared at the setting sun. Two more hours before eight bells, when my shift was over. I at least got something interesting to watch.

Francis and Rat got up. She opened up her pack and got some pieces of cloth to wrap around those big fancy knives stuck in the sides of her belt. Each one was curved and about a foot long. Francis picked up a quarterstaff.

They started sparring. First slow, just going through the motions, then faster. Soon her padded knives and his staff were clacking against each other in a blur. She had big purple welts on her arms and Francis looked awful smug.

I rolled my eyes. The big idiot would have a much harder time fighting her if she used that wicked-looking trident instead of those little knives.

Lex was standing up, and hey-hey, if he wasn't walking this way.

A few of the scales on his face were iridescent. The shinier scales formed natural patterns on his face, lines up from the bridge of his nose, zig-zagging 'cross his high brow. He also had lines of these scales on his cheekbones and a triangle of them on his chin. They glimmered in the sunlight. It was like jewelry.

The sun was glimmering off of his face-scales and the charms on his silk scarves. His thick black hair was pulled into a tight knot at the back of his head and he had big pointy ears like an elf. Musta had a dozen rings in each. Man was like a magpie.

He hesitated near the mast, and I laughed out loud when I realized what he was doing. Mast had cracked a month ago. Rather than spend money on getting an expensive new one built at a shipyard, Barrett had paid a smith to put bands of steel around it. The bands were shiny because we wiped them with potion to keep them from rusting away.

The purple elf-man was looking at his reflection in the steel hoops.

Vain little thing. I mused. I wondered if that was a sign or not.

--

I slept after eighth bell because I found out that I had to do a first-bell shift. Roughly midnight to sunrise. We wouldn't get to Genofrey for another two days if the wind held. I felt like I was running out of time.

And I was certainly running out of luck.

I barely had time to appreciate the sunrise when we saw an interceptor. Barrett had a spyglass and I saw him go white when he looked through it.

"It isn't the Acid Rain pirates, is it?" I heard Bernard asking. Barrett shook his head. But he still yelled at everybody to get ready. We were a small ship, loaded up with pearls, live oysters, and furs. We were an easy target.

I looked into the barrel of weapons. All of them were cheap cast-offs. Weapons were expensive. And Barrett's cheapness didn't do him any good here. I picked up a chipped bastard sword, grimaced, and dropped it back in. I picked up an ugly-looking mace instead. Nothing complicated about bashing somebody in the head. Also that sword looked like one good swing would crack it.

I picked up a home-made shield. It was two wide boards cut into a rough square and nailed together by two cross-hatches. I stuck my fingers through a worn leather strap. It was better than anything. It looked like it could persuade an arrow to at least slow down. Maybe. If I was lucky.

I rushed back on deck, and a blast of light streaked the distance between the two ships. It knocked one of the would-be pirates flat to the deck, twitching feebly.

It was the purple elf who did it. He was already gathering another. His hands were glowing softly. His brow furrowed. With his shiny scales, he looked like a picture in my home-town's shrine. Some avenging sea-god. For festivals, we dressed up as him by putting fish scales on our cheeks.

I yelped as an arrow flew by my cheek, and I ducked behind my shield. My guts felt like they would liquify at any moment, and I was fucking terrified.


The pirate ship was small like ours. It had a much bigger sail. I could count ten in their raiding party. (The one Lex knocked over was shakily getting up, blood spurting from his nose and mouth.)

"Come and get some."

I looked to my left and then yelped again.

Rat had taken off her scarf. The lower half of her face was twisted with scar tissue. She must have mouthed off to the wrong person, because they had carved a smile onto her thin face.

She twirled the pick in her right hand. She had a big knife in the other.

It was hard not to feel a little bit safer with a handful of freaks on our side.

Ana and two of the sailors were trying to pick them off with arrows. The sailors were abysmal shots, but the half-elf and Lex together managed to drop three.

But by then it was too late. We managed to wheel our ship, The Antelope, so the other vessel didn't break us with the sharp ram at the bow, but the ships crashed sides and the raiding party leapt on board, armed to the teeth.

Rat let out a sound something like a roar and waded right into them. Bulling two of them into the crevice between the ships with sheer strength.

I will never forget what a pick wielded by an angry bitch can do to a man's skull. Yeesh.

The remaining pirates on the other ship quickly wheeled away. The two pirates in the drink tried to swim for the boat, but went under without a trace. The Antelope's crew in the meantime, was sort of just able to back up. The remaining three pirates were fighting for their lives.

The biggest one, a huge bald motherfucker, leapt for Lex, leaving the purple elf to try and leap out of the way. His hands were glowing, and he even hit the giant, but he was still coming, holding a short ax high over his head. Lex on his back on the deck

Ana's crossbow was useless in close quarters. Rat looked busy trying to paint the deck red. So I darted in from behind and swung my mace at the back of his knee, darting away just as quick as I could.

The bald motherfucker roared and forced his axe down. Lex rolled, but the axe still came down.

"Fucking pipsqueak." Oh gods and demons now he was coming for me.

I tried stepping backwards without turning my back, but I stumbled over the handle of that fucking pick, still stuck in the skull of a pirate. I held up my wooden shield, ready to greet my ancestors. Or my maker. Accounts vary.

Instead of an axe, the whole beast fell on top of me.

I grunted once. He was huge. I just took a moment to gasp for air and squeeze my eyes shut and wiggle my toes and fingers, just to make sure they were all there.

I pushed at my shield, but my arms were weak with fear, and seriously, this pirate was the size of a whale. Blood was oozing from his nose and mouth, and soon it would leak through my shield.

The weight came off. Lex was pushing him off me. He was breathing like a carthorse, and I could see blood trickling down his face. He smiled crookedly and helped me up.

He had big yellow eyes, like a lizard, but his hand was warm. He had a shallow cut on his scalp. His dark hair was matted with blood, but otherwise he looked unhurt. "Thanks, James... was it?" He almost definitely wasn't trying to be charming, it just sort of came off that way.

Then he looked past me and grimaced. "Really, Rat? Are we scalping them now?"

I looked back and kinda wished I hadn't.

"Very useful to keep around. Not easy on the eyes... Or a very good conversationalist for that matter. And try to keep her away from locked doors."

"Fuck you, Lex." She grunted.

Lex grinned, winced. I saw that his head-scarf, a maroon silk wrap with no charms, had been sliced and bloodied and was still on the deck. I picked it up, put a clean corner in my mouth and used it to start dabbing at the blood on Lex's face. It was a chance to see him up close.

He sat down on a rain barrel and let me tend to it. It looked like Barrett had gotten hit with a club and Ana was healing his broken arm. Rat was waiting in line. Not all of the blood on her came from others.

"Just most of it." I muttered, as I carefully moved Lex's hair out of the wound. "This will scar. Unless you get the half-elf to look at it."

Lex chuckled. "I don't bother her unless it's serious. Rat is half-way decent with a needle and thread. And ladies like a man with a scar." He frowned a little. "Maybe not Rat, but if she's a lady, we need to change the description."

"I think the blood loss is making you delirious. She'd probably give you up as a lost cause and get another scalp for her collection. Want me to sew it?" Blood didn't bother me, not when it wasn't mine, anyway.

He shrugged. "You already saved my ass once, can't hurt to do it again. You have any whiskey?"

"You stay up here in the light, I have it, but you are not getting any." I chuckled. "Not unless you say please."

---

I set up on the quarterdeck. He sat on a barrel, clenched his teeth on a wooden peg wrapped with leather, and I sewed his scalp closed with a curved needle and silk thread I had boiled in wine.

"I thoh oo seh oo ha whi-ky." He grunted through the peg.

"Shut up. I have five more stitches. Drunk men have thin blood, so no whiskey 'til this is dry."

He kept grunting. Ana was praying near the front of the deck. Rat was up in the crow's nest for some reason. Probably counting her scalps.

I washed the wound again with the boiled wine.

"There we go... Keep cleaning that. Try to clean it with wine or stronger liquor. Or boil the water at least. That'll keep it clean and dry. Make it easier to take the silk out."

He gingerly reached up but I slapped his hand. He didn't have scales on the palms of his hands. Or his lips. "No touching for a while." I tugged a jangly green scarf off of his waist and wrapped it around his head in a clumsy scarf like before.

He grinned up at me. "I'm pretty grateful. I usually only trust magicians with healing. The physical healers, they like to tell you to go bleed yourself, or make a poultice of dung and holy water."

His canines came to slightly sharper points than mine did. I ran my tongue over my teeth. "Thanks for getting that fucker for me, I thought I was about to die."

"You were about to die. And don't mention it, James."

He stood up and stretched. Shit. I was losing him.

"I hope you don't mind me asking... But..."

"Spellscale."

"Wha--?" I wondered if I had misheard him. I had no idea what that was.

"I'm pretty far from home, but what I am, it's called a spellscale. I'm a descendent of dragons and elves and men." He grinned when he saw the look on my face. "The dragon was a while back."

"James!" Barrett barked. "Get over here!"

"Thanks again." He started walking away.

I wanted to keep talking, but I was mesmerized watching his buns ticking back and forth in those too-tight leather breeches.

Hated him to leave, but it was so fun to watch him go.

---

Those three were off the ship as soon as we landed on Roova. We weren't going to stop, but Barrett had wanted to check the ship for damage.

"I hope they come back." Francis grunted as we walked down the gangplank. "They can do some damage. I don't even think we have to worry about any of the lads disbanding this time."

He offered me a salute and went off to the smaller and dingier of the town's two taverns. Barrett was making small deals with local merchants. I was free to go.

After checking both bars and the brothel, asking around a little, I found out that they set off inland. I eyed the dark edge of the jungle.

Then I could hear the shivery yowl of a very large something, and turned right back around.

---

The bars and brothels only had women. I kept an eye out for the various signs and signals, but it was hard to stay invested after the initial disappointment.

The island was volcanic, so most of the villagers were farmers, using the fertile soil. A handful of boaters and fishers near the docks. It was a small village, and their clothes were mostly uniform shades of brown and black, bar a souvenir from Genofrey, the largest city for leagues in any direction.

The one exception was a splash of indigo. Lots of the villagers and locals I saw were wearing splashes of the unusual deep blue dye. A hat, a pair of gloves, a shirt, a skirt.

After a little hunting, a little following my nose, I found a small dyer's hut. An old woman with milky eyes was stirring a pot of foul-smelling liquid with a big wooden paddle. The wooden paddle was dull ugly green where it was touching the liquid, but when the woman lifted a skein of cotton fibers, they were this deep gorgeous indigo.

"I can hear you breathing, sonny. You here to buy?"

"Depends." I mused. "Do you have anything already dyed?"

---

Other than the bundle under my vest, I only bothered to buy a small keg of famous Roova beer and a bar of soap. I ended up getting back to the ship before anybody else.

Barrett was exasperated (as he generally was) because his sailors had scattered to the brothel. Now that I was back, he had somebody to boss around.

I looked at the stack of barrels he had bought from the brewer. I sighed. The plan had been to wait until the sailors came back in the morning with wet dicks and hangovers, but Barrett was offering a few extra coins if I started loading the barrels myself.

So that's what I did. Rolling barrels the size of fat children up the gangplank as the sun slowly tracked from the east to the west.

It wasn't until I had already started roping the barrels down that I realized the faster we loaded the cargo, the quicker we would leave. That's why Barrett offered the extra coin. Old cheapskate was probably afraid they would charge him.

I went slower than I needed to.

---

Funnily enough, the three of them came back before the rest of the sailors did. They all had grim faces so I kept my distance. Lex looked like he had found a new trinket. I could just tell that Rat was grim under the face scarf. Call it a hunch.

Ana ignored me, stomping past to open up her pavestone-book in the dying light of the sun. Rat and Lex disappeared under the deck. I wanted to try and follow when Barrett put a hand on my shoulder.

"Go to the town and get my crew back here, we can save some time."

I raised my eyebrow. He still told me to go.

Now I had to go find nine half-drunk sailors and tell them that they had to finish pumping their sluts and guzzling cheap grog to come back.

Goodie.

---

One black eye and a faceful of grog later, I started an eight-bells shift. From sunset to sunrise.

I was rubbing my eyes and swearing sleepily at a black-bruised thumbnail when the lucky trio dragged their well-rested asses up on board.