Fire and Smoke

I thought back. "No."

"There you go. Kakari. And he tries a lot harder at being a kakari than either of us ever had to. Now are you sure you won't give him a try? It's not as though you're seeing anyone else, and I think you'd make a cute pair."

"No!" I glared at her. "I'm not dating Beni. Yes, I like him, but we're not the same species and that's the end of it."

* * *

Beni hadn't come out of his cabin all morning, but when we set off for the next job his little home moved into place at the end of the convoy.

Our journey only took us a few minutes, two miles to a neighbouring town which looked like an exact replica of the one we'd just left, except that the streets were hung with garlands of orange and red rather than green and white. The fireworks were to be big and elaborate and expensive, as it was every town's civic pride to outdo their neighbours in the extravagance of their festival night.

It was a long afternoon's work. Beni had emerged to do his job, his expression unreadable, and he kept an embarrassed distance from me all day. Finally everything was in position, and it was time to program the ignitions, but realising I didn't know the sequencing I went looking for Siri.

When I reached his cabin I could see a light shining through a chink in the curtains, and as I was about to knock on the door I thought I heard voices inside and paused. And listened. I could just make out Siri's voice: "One day soon, girl, we can hold each other whenever we want, no more of this sordid secrecy."

I froze. What? Moving quietly I ducked under the window and peered in through the chink.

Inside stood Siri. And Kako; their arms about each other's shoulders. And as I watched he leaned in to kiss her, and I could see that it was the same devouring, passionate kiss I'd thought he only gave to me.

No. Please, no. I could barely breathe. My mind strived for an escape: some explanation that made this not what it looked like. But there was none.

Somehow I couldn't stop watching, even though every moment felt as though it was burning my heart. I watched as they broke from the kiss, and she began touching him, the way I always had. I watched as she pulled off his sarong and ran her fingers along his cock, as eager and erect as it had ever been for me. I watched as she did what I had seldom done, kneeling in front of him and taking him into her mouth...

And then I stopped watching and ran away, well away, and cried. I don't think I'd ever cried so hard. I just sat down on the ground and gushed out tears of anguish, of self-pity, of hopelessness, just letting the tears stream down my cheeks.

"Filo?" I looked up, wiping the tears from my eyes to see Beni standing over me. "What's wrong? What happened?"

"I... I don't want to talk about it." I cut off his protestation before it began. "Just shut up and come here. Right now. I need to hold someone."

He sat close beside me and I threw my arms around him, buried my face in his thick, soft fur and sobbed some more. Beni didn't say a word, just let me cry it out, and soon I felt the black sadness drop away, letting a deeper emotion surface: anger. First, anger at Kako. How could she do this? But quickly I realised this was baseless anger. Kako almost certainly didn't know about me and Siri. She'd been fooled just the same as I.

And so finally I was left with anger only for Siri. It wasn't so much his sleeping with Kako that upset me. I was an open-minded girl, and if he'd told me he was sleeping with both of us, I probably wouldn't have minded too much, once I'd got used to the idea. It was the lies. I'd never loved him, not really, it had been mostly physical, but he'd claimed to love me. He'd said I was the only one, that I was special, that one day we'd be a proper couple. He'd probably said the exact same words to Kako. We'd been made fools of, and I was furious that I'd believed him.

Beni stayed silent, moving slightly to rest his head on my shoulder. He had a warm, pleasing musky scent which helped to calm my thoughts. What to do? I could tell Kako. But I didn't want her feeling like this too. Let her keep Siri, and enjoy him in full innocence for as long as possible. But I couldn't just do nothing. Confront Siri? To what end? You could never win an argument with him; he never shouted or raised his voice, just talked quietly and reasonably until you started to suspect that you'd been wrong all along.

"Filo? You want to talk about it?"

I realised I'd stopped crying some time ago. "No, Beni, it's something I can't tell anyone about. Not even you, I'm sorry."

Much to my relief he didn't try to argue the point, but just nodded. And that's when I came up with the plan. How to hurt Siri. It was a petty, vindictive plan, I knew, but right then petty and vindictive was exactly what I needed.

"Beni, about last night..."

* * *

The day's work was over. Our fireworks had been blasted into smoke and dust, and the debris cleared away. We were ready to join the celebrations. I'd been in a grimly cheerful mood all evening, and Beni, working alongside me, was back to his usual high spirits and then some.

"Filo, girl." Siri beckoned me over. "Could you come back to my office for a moment? I'd like to discuss some improvements to the sequencing I thought of."

I recognised the signal: Siri wanted sex. And mere hours after I'd seen him with Kako! This was the moment I'd been looking forward to.

"I don't suppose you could excuse me tonight, boss, I've got something a bit special planned."

"Special?" I thought I detected a flash of pique in his expressionless face.

"Well, I've got a date."

"A date?" There it was. The beauty of it. Don't let him know you found out, just let him think he's been dumped, that you found someone better. And the best was yet to come.

"With whom?" he asked stiffly.

I beckoned Beni over and looped an arm round his neck. He rested an arm on my side. "With Beni here."

His face was perfect. Completely expressionless if you didn't know how to read it, but if you did... there was the indignation, the wounded pride, the confusion. I wasn't just dumping him. I was dumping him for a brek'bûr.

He held onto his outward calm with what must have been an enormous effort of self control. "Very well then. You two have fun." And he turned his back and walked back to his cabin, to fume in private, I liked to imagine.

Beni looked up at me, grinning a toothy brek'bûr grin. "Would the lady care to accompany me to the dance?" he said with mock formality, holding out a hand.

I took it in mine, and we walked together towards the crowds and noise.

"Remember, Beni, one night to see how it goes."

Part of me was complaining that it wasn't fair to use Beni like this, just to get a reaction from Siri. But another part insisted that I was only giving him what he wanted, and even though at the end of the night I was going to tell him it would never work, at least he'd be happy for a few hours.

* * *

Nearly every night for the last year, I'd danced alongside Beni. We both loved the dance, and it was why we both loved this job. But I'd never actually danced with him, until that night.

It was hard, coordinating movements between two people with entirely different anatomies, and hence, entirely different dancing styles. But we tried, slowly at first, then daring more complex and dangerous rhythms, me trying to keep up with Beni leaping and sliding about, looking like a flickering flame in his red and orange make-up.

I helped myself liberally to drinks from passing vendors; Beni gave me concerned glances about the amount I was drinking but said nothing. I needed the alcohol to help me forget about Siri. And to help me let Beni down later.

It didn't help that I was enjoying myself. Dancing with Beni was fun. His feet moved in complicated and unpredictable patterns, and trying to match it was a challenging and invigorating experience, often sending us crashing into each other, or occasionally other people. As I felt the alcohol starting to upset my dexterity, I reached out my arms to hold onto him, and he clasped me back, so that we stood embraced, just our feet dancing, but slower. It seemed that we danced like that for a whole wonderful hour, maybe it was really only five minutes, until we found our feet tangled inextricably and we both tumbled over sideways, landing heavily on the soft ground.

We didn't get up immediately, but lay there regarding one another.

"Filo this may be going too far too fast but I really want to kiss you."

I still felt bad about using him. Letting him have one little kiss seemed the least I could do.

"Go on then."

Besides, it was another new experience in life: kissing a brek'bûr. Not many kakari could have done that. Not least because, I was pretty sure, kissing wasn't in a normal brek'bûr's repertoire.

We pulled towards each other cautiously. As our lips met, the first thing I noticed was the hair brushing over my lips and chin, tickling, not unpleasantly. Kissing Beni was nothing like kissing Siri. That had always been a very one-sided process. This was more like dancing, not least because as we began we had no idea what we were doing; two very different mouths that were never designed to work together, fumbling, learning, and enjoying every moment. The alien caress of his strange lips, the warm musk of his breath...

As we parted lips, Beni said, "we need more practice at that."

"Much more," I agreed, meaning it. I hadn't expected it to feel so... right. "Maybe we should work on it somewhere more private, though."

He looked up, as though seeing the crowd of staring onlookers for the first time. "How about another dance then? We were just getting good."

As I staggered to my feet, swaying slightly, I though I saw Kako in the crowd, grinning at me. I waved for another drink.

* * *

The ground seemed to sway under me as we walked back, and I had to lean on Beni for support.

"Filo? Are you alright? I've never seen you drink this much before."

"Never better. Thank you for... for a wonderful night." We'd reached the cabins. Time to say goodbye. Time to... thoughts swirled incoherently. Something I'd been meaning to do. At the end of the night. Something about Beni. What was it?

"Goodnight kiss?" I hazarded.

He kissed me, briefly but affectionately. I glanced around: we stood in a secluded spot, hemmed in by three of the cabins. There was mine, there was Beni's, so the only person who could have seen that kiss was...

Siri. I'd managed to forget about him, but there he was again, the thick waters of my mind swirling sluggishly around him, all the grief and the anger and the hurt. Could he be standing there at that window, watching us?

"Filo, you can barely stand up. Maybe I should see you into your cabin?"

Just at that moment the shrieking cries of two mating brek'bûr split the air, from somewhere nearby.

"See me... into my cabin? Oh, oh! You think you can... take advantage of a girl, when she's had a... little bit too much to drink?"

He visibly jumped in surprise. "What? No! No, no I didn't mean like that. I just wanted to make sure you're alright."

My mind's wobbly focus was still fixed on Siri, possibly just behind the window, I didn't register what Beni had said.

"Well I think it's an excellent idea. But why wait for the cabin? Let's... let's do it out here!" That'd show Siri.

He stared at me for a moment with those impenetrable black eyes, and then said, coolly, "I really hope you're joking."

"Sh... sure it is! It'll be... it'll be fun! Come on, let's get these off." My hands fumbled with my sarong, and it fell to the ground.

He looked. He looked, speechless and expressionless for a good few seconds, before he tore his gaze back up to my face and kept it there, apparently with some effort. "Filo, you're crazy, put that back on."

"No. No no no. You put yours... put yours off." I flung my arms awkwardly around his shoulders, around his folded wings. I'd forgotten about Siri again. I wanted Beni. I needed Beni.

"This is all going a bit fast for me, how about you put your sarong back on and sleep on it?"

"This... this is what you want, isn't it?" I dropped a hand to grope between him legs, making him twitch in surprise, feeling something hard and substantial under the cloth. Much more down there, I though blurrily, than Siri ever had. Or any kakari. I had to have it.

"I... uh... you can probably feel how much I want you. But not like this."

"Aw, come... come on, Beni, I want it... inside me..."

"Filo!" He snapped at me, loud and severe and with a menacing hissing undertone I'd never heard before. "Get your hand off me!" I let him go. "Stop this! You're embarrassing me! And you're embarrassing yourself."

Something crumpled inside me and I fell to the floor. And, for the second time that day, I wept. The last thing I remembered was emptying my stomach onto the tear-spattered grass.

* * *

I woke to a pounding in my head. And pain. Every sense seemed to be hurting me, including a few new ones I hadn't known I'd had. After a few minutes I realised that the pounding wasn't all in my head. Forcing myself out of bed, wincing as my feet touched the floor, I lurched dizzily to the door, tripping over boxes and discarded clothes on the way. Behind it was Kako.

"Filo, you look awful! Beni said you'd had too much last night; I can see what he meant."

Beni. Beni! Memories came flooding back. I was supposed to let him down gently and instead I'd... offered myself to him. I groaned out loud.

"Good grief, you sound as bad as you look. I left you as long as I could, but we've got to move out, boss won't wait any longer."

A thought nosed against the back of my mind, making me grimace. I looked down. I was wearing my sarong. Beni must have...

"What... did Beni... say?" I said with some difficulty.

"He just said that you'd drunk half the town's supply of thistlewine and thrown it back up again, and that he'd had to put you to bed. What did you go and do that for? And on your first date too. He was really worried about you."

My mind caught up. "Moving out?"

"Yes, remember? We've got a lovely long drive, all through this afternoon and tonight, to reach Matchwater City by the morning. Which is good news for you, by the look of you. So how about you set your cabin to convoy behind mine and go back to bed?"

It seemed like a good idea. I did it.

* * *

"Beni, I'm really sorry. About last night. I lost my head completely. Thanks for looking after me."

It was evening, and the light was already fading. We'd stopped at the company depot to refuel and restock. I'd slept through half the afternoon, and spent the rest running things through in my mind, and my headache had receded to a dull throb.

"No, Filo, I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? I didn't think you had anything to apologise for."

"Yes I do. It should have been obvious you were unhappy about being with me. The amount you were drinking! Did you really need to blind yourself with alcohol before you could bring yourself to dance with me? To kiss me? I guess you lost control of it in the end. Don't get me wrong, I think it's incredible that you'd go to such lengths to make me happy. But I'd like it better if you were happy. We can go back to how things were before, it's alright."

I laughed. I couldn't help it. For hours I'd been worrying, that he'd be angry with me, disgusted with me, or just have lost interest in me. But there he was apologising.

"Beni! You've got it all wrong! I really enjoyed last night, I didn't think I was going to, but I did, well apart from that last bit, and... look, here's how much I need to drink to kiss you."

And I kissed him right there, a gentle kiss on the lips, lingering for just a few seconds. He lit up at once, and surprised me by throwing his head back and letting forth a brek'bûr shriek of joy.

In the corner of my eye I saw Siri, in conversation with his superior, look over towards us, but it wasn't about him any more. I had no more interest in revenge. In fact, I wished he and Kako a long and fruitful relationship. For me, it was only about Beni now.

"Sorry about that noise, I lost control of myself there."

"Hey, I'm sure it's good for you to let out a little of your inner brek'bûr every now and again." He seemed about to argue otherwise so I quickly changed the subject. "What say we try another date, say..." driving tonight, working tomorrow... "tomorrow night. And I won't drink this time, we'll do it properly."

He nodded eagerly. "You can spend tonight in my cabin, if you'd like." And then quickly, realising how that had sounded, "I didn't mean sex, I just meant being together. I get lonely when you're not around."

I thought about my own solitary afternoon. "So do I. Sure, I'd love to."

And so, as our small convoy drove off, I left my cabin to drive itself and came into Beni's. Inside was a cacophony of colour. Every town we worked in, Beni picked up a cheap sarong in the town colours, as did Kako and I. Unlike us, he kept them, and used them to decorate his cabin. They covered every wall, were draped over the little table and bed, and hung in twisted garlands from the ceiling, meaning I had to duck to move about. Everywhere I looked was a multicoloured confusion of cloth, every one a memory of some place we'd been together.

Beni slipped into the driver's seat and set the cabin to follow my own, at the back of the convoy. I pulled up the chair to sit beside him, and we watched the world go past as night fell, talking, the way we always had, about people and places behind us, telling jokes and sharing fancies. It was why he and I had always been such close friends: we felt easy enough between us to tell each other anything. Ever since Beni had told me he loved me, there'd been an awkwardness there, but now it had drifted away.

Things weren't the same as before, though. There were new possibilities. As we drove through the darkness, we practised kissing, just for a few minutes at a time, then back to conversation, until the fancy took us again. We were getting better at it. Before long we knew each other's mouths, knew how to please each other, how to anticipate and react to each other. It was a delicate game, a give and take, an all-absorbing sharing I couldn't get enough of. He even surprised me, once I thought I knew all his moves, by slipping in his long, round, pointed tongue to quest enticingly around my own.

I told him about Siri and me, as I should have done a long time ago. But not about Siri and Kako. That secret wasn't mine to give away.

Eventually, it became impossible to put off any longer. We were going to have to go to sleep.

"I'll take the floor," I offered.

"Why don't we both take the bed?"

I looked critically at the tiny bed, comfortably large enough for a single sleeper, but only if they were willing to keep their limbs reasonably close to their body. "I see a problem here."

"It'll be alright, we'll snuggle up."

I'd had sex with a few men over the years, usually short, casual relationships. But I'd never yet actually slept with anyone. I'd always wanted to.

"I can't imagine I'm going to get much sleep packed in with you in that tiny thing, but I like the idea anyway."

It took some trial and error, but we managed it, me on my side, back to the wall, Beni facing me, snuggled close, our arms looped around each other. As I buried my face in his soft fur, relishing his heavy scent, I thought, this is nice, but how long are we going to stay like this before we admit that we're never going to get to sleep in this position?

* * *

When I woke up it was light and I was still holding Beni. He was already awake, his great black eyes staring into mine.