tagErotic CouplingsFirkin & Merkin Detective Agency

Firkin & Merkin Detective Agency


My apologies for the time taken to put in a new submission.

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'Firkin and Merkin Detective Agency, Peter Firkin speaking.'

'Are you Irish?' The voice was feminine, low pitched and sexy.

'No, certainly not.'

'Just checking. My name is Patsy Thimble and I'd like to make an appointment to discuss something I want you to do for me.'

'OK. Let me check my diary.'

'What was that noise?'


'Sounded like a plopping, slurping sort of noise.' She'd heard the sound of Clara's full succulent lips losing their grip on my turgid saliva covered prong.

'Some sort of window cleaning machine outside the window.' Yeah, cleaning alright – cleaning my knob preparatory to cleaning my pipes. 'How about 10am tomorrow.'

'How about in an hour.'

An hour. A quick table ender for Clara; should make it easily. 'Well, OK but I'll have to reschedule my 2.15.'

'I'll be there.'

I put the receiver down as Clara straightened up after giving the oozing helmet one last kiss. She slipped her cardigan off and undid the front clasp of her huge milking bra, the only type she could find to fit her massive blue veined tits with their tiny but sensitive nipples. Almost before they could flop down she had them wrapped around my iron hard prick while she returned to sucking, deep throating and licking. This was getting just too nice. I grabbed her by her head and eased her off my glistening dong and lifted her to her feet.

'Get your knickers off, girl.' Tits wobbling and elongating, Clara bent a little to raise her mini skirt up over her fat thighs. There was plenty to like about Clara Cowslip and I had liked her the minute her huge breasts had preceded her into the office when she had been sent by the employment agency. She had dressed to cover her big voluptuous body and her big brown eyes had been indirect while I'd talked to her. Sensing sexual submissiveness, I had hired her on the spot and then proceeded to gently dress her as I envisioned her. Plenty of cleavage showing plus little black mini skirts. Bright coloured underwear just like the silky midnight blue ones she was peeling down her splendidly bulky thighs. I reached forward and sucked one of her sweet nipples while checking her dark forested mons and sliding a finger between her fat moist cunt lips. Yep, she was ready. Like a well trained pet. Seems sucking a prick in anticipation always got her going. Mind you, sometimes she was just too good and I often finished before the fucking.

I pushed her back onto the desk, and, dropping my tweeds and used two fingers to guide my knob between her velvety vaginal lips. 'Lean back and hold those babies up, baby,' I muttered and slid my cock all the way in to her cervix. Her head back, Clara held her two wobbling blanc manges up for me to suck as my hands went beneath her big thighs to hold them apart. I fucked her hard and barely registered her soft sigh and change from pleasantly moist to slimy as she orgasmed seconds before I deposited a huge load in her always welcoming cunt. Panting, I waited until her cuntal canal stopped milking me before I eased my defeated soldier out. Didn't do to drip spunk onto the trousers or the carpet.

A gentle slap on the tit. 'OK girl, clean up and some coffee. Got a real client coming in shortly.' Obediently, Clara fell to her knees and cleaned my cock relishing the spooge still oozing from it. She scraped her tongue across my slit and secretly enjoyed the way my knees involuntarily buckled with exquisite agony that such an act produced. Satisfied there wasn't a trace of me or her left on my semi hard prick, she stood and walked out the door to her office, her breasts still out and swaying, her black mini still up about her waist and snail trails of juice sliding slowly down the insides of her thighs. Her blue panties were in one hand to be replaced after she had cleaned herself up.

Half an hour later, Clara showed Patsy Thimble into the office. Good grief – talk about stacked and packed. Despite the four inch heels she strode gracefully forward and accepted my hand, lingering a little. She sat opposite and placed one shapely leg over the other and placed her handbag next to her on the floor. She was blonde but suspiciously so. The smart suit she was wearing was buttoned below a hard packed cleavage. If she had a bra on, it did a good job of hiding. The face was attractive without being beautiful and with suspiciously few lines. Unless I missed my guess, mutton dressed as lamb.

'Mr. Firkin, I have a job for you. I believe somebody in our house is removing items – stealing if you wish. I've lost several pieces of jewellery, at least one painting and book of erotic sketches. The bastard has even taken one of my very best vibrators.' My raised eyebrow was the only thing on my face that moved. She crossed her legs again and I almost caught a Sharon Stone. 'I employ a housekeeper, a cook, a driver and a female gardener but they have been with me for years. My daughter is home from college and my husband is on one of his overseas jaunts. Will you take the case?'

We discussed terms and agreed that I would stay the weekend as an old friend of the family. I contemplated her lovely swaying rump as she exited. Just then, the door to the other office opened and my partner Melissa Merkin strolled in. As usual, she looked a right frump. Big and round, she was older than I by about 20 years and it showed. Her bright intelligent eyes were the most attractive thing about her well worn face and wisps of her grey hair straggled from the bun on the back of her head. Under that grey hair was a mind like a computer. She was the brains of the company and did all the work involving corporate crime. An accounting and computing wiz, she was too wrapped up in what she was doing to take good care of herself.

She also didn't mince words. 'Fuck me, she was a stunner for an old tart. What's the go?' I told her. 'Sounds like a female to me, lad. No bloke would nick a vibrator. Not unless he's as queer as a three dollar bill. I've got a bit of a problem in my office and I need your help.' I followed her into her untidy office cluttered with paper, two computer terminals and a lap top.

'I'm not sure I can help. What's the problem?'

'The problem is that I can't concentrate on a particularly knotty problem. I need a good cum to clear my mind.' So saying she pulled her shapeless sweater off over her head revealing her big saggy tits, thick nipples pointing to the floor. They weren't in the class of Clara's but they had a peculiar attractiveness to me being blue veined with nipples like thimbles. 'Get your gear off. I fancy a really good shag. I'm sure you're up to it even if you've just given that fat cow her daily fuck.' I started divesting myself of clothes as she pulled her slacks down over her voluminous arse taking her bloomers with her. Her tits elongated as she bent down to slip her shoes off and when she straightened I could see them slap on her rounded belly that did little to hide the bushy grey cunt hair festooned over her pudenda. She sat herself down on the divan and pulled me to her by my semi hard prick. 'I can see a trace of Clara's lipstick on this, my boy. All the better for me because you'll last longer. Come here shagger while I get it hard.'

As she swallowed my knob to the back of her throat, I reached down and hefted her pendulous tits, tweaking and rolling the nipples into greater prominence. Melissa was rubbing her hairy twat on my knee and I could feel the moisture dewing on her wiry cunt hairs. Grasping my now iron hard prick she fell back length ways on the divan and dragged me onto her cushiony body and lodged my knob in the clinging cleft of her slit. Letting go, she shifted her hands to my buttocks and with a combination of pulling me and pushing her mound up, she sheathed me to the balls with an almighty groan of lust. I started fucking her and she responded in kind. I gathered up her floppy tits and started kissing biting and sucking her enormous nipples. I felt her climax, a tightening and a flooding that soothed my aching prick but I was not even close to coming. She pushed me back and swung onto her knees presenting me with her wide hips and the underslung pulsing purse of her cunt lips. I lodged my steaming knob into the hilt and pulling on her love handles, ploughed her hard and fast, just how I knew she liked it. She went off again, and twiddling her clit, again. She tightened her cuntal muscles and milked a cloud of sperm out of me right up against the neck of her womb.

She had always amazed me with her ability to energise herself after a thorough shagging. I had barely enough time to shrink a bit before she pushed me out and got to her feet pulling her clothes on as she went. 'Just what I needed. I feel a 100% now. Off you go, I've got work to do.'

I slouched through the door after dressing. It had always been the same and we had been doing it from the first minute after I had showed up in answer to an ad for an ex-detective for private work. She was a first class and glorious fuck that didn't mince words when the letch was on her. My kind of gal.

The next day I arrived at the Thimble mansion to be greeted by the lovely Patsy who pressed a warm welcoming kiss on me and led me in. Inside the door was the housekeeper, a stern looking but well upholstered woman who regarded me with the evil eye. I was introduced as an old friend of her husband Teddy, to Bettina Bucket, mid fifties with a firm hand grip and a voice that would attract iron filings. She showed me to a delightful room and then guided me downstairs to a sitting room where Patsy awaited me. With her was a sulky looking girl of about eighteen, pudgy and florid dressed in some sort of baggy dress. Patsy introduced her as her daughter, Tessa. While Patsy and I were embellishing the story we had cooked up, Tessa Thimble suddenly stood and I watched mesmerised as acres of flesh moved and swayed under her tent dress.

'He's no old friend of daddy's, he's too young. He's some stud for hire you brought here to fuck while daddy's away.' With that she flounced out of the room, enormous buttocks roiling and fighting each other for room in her dress.

'Is she always like that?'

'Only in the last three months or so. Before that we were really close. Suddenly she put on weight and started staying in her room. Her grades have dropped off. I think it has to be a lost love. She won't confide in me.'

Funny!! The last three months was when the jewellery and other items had started to disappear. One didn't have to be a Genius Detective to work out who the perp was but finding out the reason would prove to be interesting, I was sure.

Patsy took me outside to meet the gardener who proved to be a strong muscular kind of lass about my age. She was tanned and built like a brick shit house. I cringed when she shook my hand with a grip that would shatter bowling balls. For a big dyke looking sheila, she had a feminine name – Rose Tweedie. She was dressed in a flannelette shirt knotted under a shelf-like bosom displaying a hard packed stomach. Her denim cut off shorts revealed muscular tanned legs that were not all that unattractive but far from the perfect Patsy's. She had little to say and grunted as I was led away to the kitchen to meet the cook.

June Bugg was your actual grandmotherly type. Short, round, white haired with lovely blue eyes and a remarkably unlined face. Jovial and irrepressible she and I were soon old friends sharing a coffee. Patsy left for her daily shopping trip and June and I settled down to a good old chin wag. The driver wandered in while we were chatting on his way back from dropping Patsy off. Billy Truncheon was not overly tall or well built but he packed quite a bulge at the fork of his thighs. He gulped down a glass of water and sloped off after shaking hands.

'Let me guess – him and the gardener?' I asked.

June laughed. 'Close but no cigar. Sweet Bettina is his bag, darling. His bag is to be dominated and slapped and whipped. She is a kinky bitch and he just loves it. Rose on the other hand is a real sweetie but she scares men off big time. I reckon she's still a virgin.'

'What's the go with the daughter, Tessa?'

'Something is certainly going on that's for sure. She used to come and help me in the kitchen but I've not seen hide nor hair of her for three months. Enough of that lot. I want to tell you my secret. Can you guess what it is, Mr. Firkin?' her eyes twinkling with merriment.

'You like to have your cunny licked out then fucked?' I replied dead pan.

She looked at me absolutely shocked. Then she screeched. 'You darling boy, how did you guess. Are you game? Old Teddy isn't up to it any more and while Billy's got a big dick, I can't enjoy beating a man just to get him off. You are game, aren't you, or that really is a gun in your pocket.'

She led me into a room several doors from the kitchen and quickly slipped out of her clothes revealing a handsome rounded body, creamy white with bustling bulging boobs and a nipped in waistline. 'Don't let the white hair fool you, young man, I'm not that old. Look at this.' She pulled her round belly up to show her white haired mons then pulled the thick gleaming cunt lips apart to show trickles of clear fluid running down the insides of her thighs. 'You've fair got me going. Not often I get a big handsome lad like you in my pants. Come on, lose the duds and I'll give you a nice suck and tit wank before you fuck me.'

I obliged and so did she. She was a marvellous fuck in the traditional position and, after sucking me back up to hardness, bounced her soft rounded body up and down on my rigid prick letting me hold the big turgid nippled breasts like reins to keep her in place. Eventually she collapsed on me completely shagged out. I hadn't cum again so I laid her on her back and clasping her big soft tits together, tit fucked her until I erupted all over neck and mouth. She eagerly bent forward and sucked the residue.

'Don't be a stranger,' she smiled as I left.

Totally rooted, I wandered up to my room. Passing a door, I heard strange noises and stopped to investigate. After all, that is what I'm supposed to do. I heard loud thwacks of something supple like a belt hitting flesh. As a genius investigator, it took no time to figure out that the belter was Bettina Bucket and the beltee was Billy Truncheon. This was confirmed when I heard her steely voice rasp out instructions. 'Stop your mewling, you pathetic creature. I've told you over and over that your filthy fluids are not to touch any part of me. Take that!' Thwack, thwack.

'I'm sorry, mistress Bet, I couldn't help it.' Long groan, two more thwacks. 'You crossed your long, gorgeous silken legs and it just spurted.' Thwack, thwack. 'I didn't realise I could spurt that far. It was over four feet.'

'Over my feet and my patent leather shoes, you inconsiderate slime. Fortunately you cleaned them and the carpet up in record time, or you wouldn't have sat for a month. Now be off with you, and put that hideous thing away before it goes off again.' I ducked behind a (convenient) parlour palm and watched as Billy slunk out attempting to force a monster half hard cock into his pants. Geez, the head had to be the size of a tennis ball. Poor bastard probably couldn't get it in a normal sized pussy. He had softly shut the door and after seeing him retreating down the stairs, I slithered over and put my ear to the door. The genius detective heard the hum and correctly surmised that he was hearing a vibrator. The bitch! She got herself worked up by belting Billy and then got herself off afterwards. I could hear her moaning and sighing. Of course rule number one in investigative techniques was to question people when they are at their most vulnerable. She was certainly vulnerable right now.

I opened the door quietly and entered, entranced at the sight of bitchy Bettina lying back on a bed with her eyes screwed shut, her legs spread while one hand bounced one of those small one inch diameter vibros slowly in and out of a baby smooth twat while the other hand mauled the huge nipple of a ridiculously big and firm breast. She was dressed in slinky black hold up stockings and a corset that nipped her waist in. I knelt down at the end of the bed and peered at the pussy she was sliding the vibro in and out of. It was the size of a mouse's ear! The smallest cunt I'd ever seen on a full grown woman. No wonder poor Billy didn't stand a chance. He'd split her wide open if he tried to prise his prize between the lips of her tiny treasure. Her name may have been Bucket but she should have been called Thimble. Hey, that was Patsy's name!

I reached up and stilled her hand, removing and switching off the hummer. Her eyes flew open, at first hazy with lust, then shocked, then steely as she recognised me. 'What the hell??!!!' she shrieked and then gasped as my rock hard tongue lanced between the juicy lips of her tiny twat and then rasped up over the hardened pearl of her clit. She moaned and flopped back grabbing her breasts now with two hands. 'Oh, you bastard, Firkin. No man has ever put his mouth on my kitty.' I pulled back only to survey her prize close up. 'No, don't stop you bastard, I was almost there,' she groaned. I gently prised her thin lips apart and eyeballed the shocking pink interior gleaming with secretions and winking at me. Massaging her clit with a thumb, I drove as much of my tongue in to her tight twat and rhythmically fucked her with it. Slowly, very slowly her pouch widened enough for me to get my mouth over it, and using a combination of push, suck and slurp, suddenly found a stream of thickish viscous cunt juice bathing my tongue. She had cum and cum big time! I pulled back and watched a gentle stream of whitish fluid fall out her pussy and down between the cheeks of her arse.

I looked up over her baby smooth mons and saw that she had fainted. As an inveterate cocksman, I had seen a few lovers swoon but never faint. Her monster breasts quivered as she breathed jerkily but retained their upright position after her hands had slipped off them. Despite a face that would send most men running for cover, she had a body second to none. I stood and got rid of my clothes. Grasping my rock hard prick, I knelt between her thighs and nudged the slimy end of my prick between the pulsing lips of her cunt. Gently, inch by inch, I entered a hole tighter than most arses I had fucked. God she was tight, but, imperceptibly her vagina yielded to my stalwart rammer until my balls rested on the cheeks of her arse. Solidly lodged and hoping I could get back out again, I decided to let her get used to the invader while I played with her enormous mounds. I leaned forward, caressing and moulding while sucking inch long nipples into my hot mouth.

Giving her more than a gentle nibble, she woke from her faint, her eyes hazy with lust. She focussed and saw me leering at her as I worried one of her rigid nipples. 'You bastard, Firkin, you orgasmed me! What are you doing to my.....hold on, what's that in my.....you, bastard, you're fucking me!!!' Indeed I was, very slowly in and out using only a couple of inches and notching my throbber against her cervix on every inward push. Suddenly, she grabbed my head and looked into my eyes with tears glistening. 'No man has ever been there before. I'm 44, er alright, 54 and a cock virgin. Now fuck me, fuuuuucccckkkk mmeeeeeee!' She wrapped her arms around my waist and raised her stocking clad legs and wrapped them around my thighs, digging her heels in and pushing her cunt up at me. Keeping a firm grip on her marvellous tits, I did as ordered finding that as she loosened up, I was actually able to give her some long strokes, feeling her shuddering and crying as orgasm after orgasm over took her while she rained her juices bathing my cock and deluging my balls.

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