First Date Nightmare

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If you ever think that you had a bad first date, read this.
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Let me introduce myself, my name is Moe. Yes, you read right, Moe. Well at least that’s what my friends call me. Frankly I’ve been called that for so long so often that I cannot really remember my real name unless I look at my driver’s license.

I am not really a ladies man. In all truth, I’m the complete opposite. If I tried to pick up a lady at the bar I would crash and burn worse then the first fight of a military aircraft. My hands sweat, I turn beet red, and I sound like Porky Pig (no offense Porky).

The recollections of past date that I am about to tell you are true. None of this is made up. I just hope that you laugh as much as I do when I remember the fond memories that I have of my personal life.

I was going to this gym, (yes, I use to work out) and one of the fitness instructors happened to catch my eye. She was this knock out blonde that stood about five foot three. She had green eyes that could soothe a charging bear, and her laugh was like the whispers of angels from above. Well after a couple of days of planning in my head how I was going to ask her out. I finally worked up enough nerve and walked over to her and asked her straight out, as best as I could, if she would like to go to the movies with me sometime. To my shock she said yes! But my mind didn’t register the “yes” part, so I turned around and started to walk away, until it hit me like a ton of bricks that she said yes. So we set up a time and place where we would meet.

So skipping ahead, we went to the local theater to catch a move that she wanted to see, being a nice guy that I am, I let her pick. Well as luck would have it, the teary eye chick flick that she wanted to watch was sold out. My mind was split; it was jumping for joy that I didn’t have to sit on my rear in the most uncomfortable seats known to mankind. Yet it was very nervous cause if we were not sitting someplace where we had to be quiet, then Porky Pig would make an unwanted entrance, and that would be all folks, if you catch my drift. What she said next dropped me to the floor like a ten-pound sack of potatoes. She said that since we couldn’t go to the movie that she wanted to see, we could go rent a movie, get a pizza and go back to her place. Now, I know your wondering, why would that shock me, but I have never been invited back to anyone’s place before, especially on the first date. So I naturally agreed. We left, picked out a movie that she wanted, picked up her vegetarian’s pizza (remember, she’s a fitness instructor) and went back to her place.

Well, so far you can say the date is going well, but just wait, the one thing that you wouldn’t even dream about happening is about to. When we got to her place, she told me to go ahead and make myself at home and start the movie, she was just going to the bathroom to freshen up. So, I got my pizza, and my glass of diet cola (yes, diet). I walked into the living room, put the tape in and plopped down on the couch. Now, I know your saying, why did you plop down on the couch, and the reason for that is, she had one of those huge couches that you couldn’t just sit on, you had to plop. Well, on this huge couch she had a bunch of blankets, and I just so happen to sit on one of the most comfortable, fluffiest blankets she had. Needless to say, fluffy was the cat that I sat one. The damn thing was laying underneath about twenty blankets, and as soon as I plopped down, I heard this god awful cat noise that I couldn’t even dream of putting to words.

By this time, she comes running out of the bedroom screaming, “what the hell did you do to my poor cat!” and I couldn’t say anything. I dislocated the cat’s front right leg. Yes, dislocated. How do you know this you ask, well it is not normal for a cat to be running around with it’s right back leg stepping on it’s front right paw, it was dislocated. She immediately starts chasing the cat, which was the funniest damn thing I have ever seen. Being a fitness instructor as she was, that damn handicapped cat was still running faster then her. I was doing everything that I could possibly do to not laugh. Hell, I almost pierced my tongue with my teeth I was biting it so hard. Well, she finally caught up to the cat and I started with the apologies. Of course, she didn’t want to hear any of it, and kicked me out. Without my movie, without my pizza, out the door I went. As soon as that door slammed in my face, I started laughing, I was laughing so hard it looked I like I was crying. The mental picture of her chasing that poor cat around, just stuck in my head, and it will until time ends.

Five entire minutes that date took out of my life, not including driving time, cause lets face it, what can you possibly learn about some one in a car driving someplace. Well, besides road-rage. So next time you think you have had the date from hell, come back and read this little story again, it will brighten your whole day. I know it does for me.

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