tagHumor & SatireFlirting with Fancy

Flirting with Fancy


You bump into her and say, "Not a bad way to introduce yourself." She laughs, and introductions begin.

You leave the restroom door unlocked, and give her a nice "view of the moon". She apologizes for intruding, then waits outside the door and compliments your ass.

You poke her gently, but intently. Then ask, "What are my chances that you're gay?" She laughs and smiles. Her face lights up. She's flattered, maybe more. You've definitely made her day, and well, she's certainly made yours. When she apologizes and says she's not, you say "Damn!" Then trace her face with your eyes, say good-day and linger longingly before exiting.

You spot a woman buying cookies at Whole Foods. She looks sweeter than the sweets. You walk up to her and smile. She returns the smile, waiting for you to speak. You say, "I want to eat your cookie." She laughs and blushes.

You're at the mall, drinking a cup of coffee, taking a breather. Suddenly a woman's at a table on the far side of the court. She sits, and begins wolfing down food. Damn she's hot when she eats. You wait until she's finished. (Although you were tempted to catch her mid-chew. How could she defend her lips when her hands are full? But you've waited, patiently enjoying the sight of her feasting.) You stroll across the room. Walk up to the table, and stand waiting, saying nothing. She tries to ignore you. She's embarrassed. You wait, gazing at her. Finally she looks up. You smile. She smiles nervously. You say, "You look fucking hot when you eat." She says, "No I don't." You insist, "Yes you do," and give her the biggest grin you have while biting your lip. You wink and walk up the escalator. But that's not enough. You have to know. You go up and down the escalator. Then finally cave in. You walk back to her table. She looks up at you, surprised. You ask, "What are my chances that you're gay?" She laughs and smiles. Her face lights up.

You're at a coffeehouse. A woman bumps into you at the bar. You catch her. The barista is busy. It's practically like you're the only people there. She apologizes, almost offended at herself for bumping into you. You say, "Not a bad way to introduce yourself." She says, "Hi I'm _____." She smiles. You say, "Hi, I'm _____." She says, "I'm here all the time." You say, "I look forward to the next time. Feel free to bump into me then too." She laughs. Hopefully you'll catch her the next time, literally. Anything for a hug. You hope they put speed bumps on the floor so you can play catch.

You're at a sports game. You're supposed to be watching the game. Instead you're watching the girl in front of you. If only you had your multi-tool, you could conveniently unscrew her seat just enough so it's uncomfortable. Then, the only seat she'll want to sit in is the one next to you.

You put on a Banana costume and hit the college track. Once spotting a cute girl jogging, you chase her, waving your arms screaming, "EAT ME!" Sometimes you switch it up with the HotDog costume. Secretly, you hope to find a giant cucumber.

You see a cute girl and introduce yourself. After you know her name, you ask to borrow her phone to make a quick call. She says yes. You call your phone, and pick up, with both phones on either ear. She looks at you, smiling with laughter and curiosity. You speak to yourself on the phone, "Hi this is __Her Name___, I was thinking you should take me out for a cup of coffee, maybe a nice stroll in the park, and dinner." You answer yourself, "I would adore that. What time may I pick you up?" Then pause and look at her intently. "I don't know let me ask myself." You hand her back her phone, and wait for her to tell you what time works best.

You walk up to the lead singer in a band and tell her you're her LP. When she says "What?" You say, "Lesbian Perv."

You run your finger along her jugular, as if you were dipping it in a cake. Then suck the tip of that finger. When she looks at you with a perplexed expression, you say, "I was wondering what you taste like."

You walk into Victoria's Secret and "forget your bra size", so you may be "measured".

Last Night: "By the way, I'm not dating. Ever ever ever ever."

This Morning: "Can I have your phone number?"

When you realize you should be doing the Walk of Shame, but instead your Wall of Shame becomes your Strut of Glory, and you flirt with every woman you see.

You walk up behind a woman waiting in line at a coffeehouse. Then, to the melody of Roberta Flack's 'Killing me softly with his song', you gently sing into her ear, "Stalking you softly with this song. Stalking you softly again. Stalking you softly with this song. Stalking you softly, with this song."

You hear your LezBro telling the woman you were speaking to that you're "Absolutely harmless. She's weird is all." Then you use this as your pitch for long-term dating, "I get weirder every year. You'll never be bored!"

When a girl asks you what zodiac sign you are, and you don't know how to reply because the 90's fucked your sign up, and now every horoscope either claims you as Gemini, Cancer or both. You realize she can't possibly understand this, so you simply reply, "I'm crabby and bipolar."

You "accidentally" follow a girl into a dressing room stall, then say, "Fuck, my bad! I was daydreaming."

You call a coffeehouse and a woman with a beautiful voice picks up. You ask if the kitchen is still open, she replies yes, to which you say, "I love you!" The awkwardness begins, but you enjoy it.

You post an ad on craigslist asking for a woman with a 'pointy nose' whom is open to 'using it intently'.

You wear a t-shirt that says, "I like HUGs and I'm portable". Then open your arms to every woman you see.

You make a list of pickup lines, and use them all on the same girl. One for each time you see her.

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