Flower Ch. 04

I walked back to my house with slow, unwilling steps, wondering -- not for the first time -- what made me go back, knowing that pain would be the only result of my interactions with my husband. Edward's questions were still echoing through my mind. I realized that what he was saying was the truth, my friends wouldn't want me to protect them, if it meant that I was hurt. But I had been loving them and protecting them this way for so very long. I knew it was a stubbornness that bordered on madness that kept me going, but I wasn't sure I would ever be able to stop. Stopping meant that all those years of gritting my teeth behind a pleasurable smile were all in vain. Stopping meant breaking down the foundation of my beliefs, tearing apart the only thing that kept me going. And I wasn't going to live through these next few hours without believing I was doing the right thing, I just wasn't.

I opened the door and walked into a silent house, the echoing silence a sign in itself. No people around could only mean one thing, my husband had made sure that the household staff was nowhere to be seen, he had made sure that we had the house to ourselves. Cold shivers ran down my back, and the familiar feeling of deepest dread made me want to turn around and run as fast as I could. I took one deep breath and started walking up the stairs aiming for my bedroom. I sat down on my bed and waited for what was to come, the waiting game that was like a sick, twisted version of foreplay to my husband, who knew that dreading what was to come was almost as bad as the main event.

The sound of my door opening and closing softly made me look up, surprised that I wasn't kept waiting for much, much longer. My husband walked in, gripping his phone with tense, white fingers, talking angrily with someone who was yelling back at him. He ended the phone call with an annoyed "I'll be right there", and then looked at me with hate shining from his eyes.

"It seems we'll have to postpone our little chat," he said, his voice tight and angry "but I wanted you to know that I've made special plans for you. And that I'll make sure we have a long, nice talk tomorrow, ok?"

He walked away with quick steps, his whole body radiating anger, leaving me sitting there, breath stuck in my throat. I listened to his footsteps and wondered who the person on the phone had been and what was important enough for him run off before he was done with me.

Temporarily left off the hook, I let myself fall back onto my bed. A whole day to contemplate my life, doubt every decision I had ever made and ultimately regret my sins and maybe pray for forgiveness?

I stood up, walked into the bath room, removed my clothes, turned the water on and sat down on the floor of the shower. I pulled myself into a small ball, tightening my arms around my legs, letting my head rest on my knees. The warm water flowed over me as I sat, trying to hold myself together.

It was just another day, but still so different from all the other days. In the last few weeks I had seen kindness and I had felt hope. I had filled my frozen heart with precious feelings and I had come alive in a way that made me believe in, made me long for, a brighter future. I had thought I would be able to grow stronger, but by letting myself love and hope, I had instead somehow become softer, and a soft Rose was a very, very frightened Rose.

I sat in that shower until the shivers that were running through my mind and through my body stilled. I sat until I was able to focus my thoughts on the one thing that mattered, to keep going. I would divide my day into small, livable chunks, and just... keep... going.

I rose from the floor, shut the water off, dried off and got dressed. I had my usual salad for lunch and then took a long walk in the garden. I didn't stop to sit down, but kept moving. I looked at Edward's house, not sure if I wanted him to still be in there, so he could see I was alright or if I wanted him to have gone away, that he and Alfred were safely removed to some unknown place, far, far away.

That evening and night spent in that cold, silent house created another lasting memory that would be difficult to forget.

I woke up, tired after a few hours of restless sleep, but went about my morning as I usually did; my regular workout, a shower, some breakfast. Then I found myself sitting in the large kitchen, staring at the luxurious interior, wishing for the lived-in feeling of Edward's kitchen; a bit shabby, but absolutely packed with wonderful memories. I sat there for quite some time, until I was interrupted by my phone signaling that it was time to go beautify myself, reminding me that it was Thursday.

As I was met by a first smiling, then worried-looking Gabriella, I thought that perhaps it would have been better if I had cancelled all of my appointments, and I almost turned and walked out of there. Gabriella quickly grabbed my hand, pulled me into her room, and then started scanning me for injuries.

"What has he done?" she asked angrily "You look like a ghost!"

"He hasn't done anything," I answered slowly "I haven't been able to sleep, that's all."

Gabriella walked away to the far corner where she proceeded in waving her hands around and swearing, in several different languages. It took her a while to work all of that anger out of her system, but she came back, a decided look on her face.

"You need to get away, now! Please, please let me help you get away!" she said, begging me to listen.

I shook my head and looked down at the floor, not wanting to see the pain in her eyes.

"You poor, stubborn woman!" she said, and guided me to the chair.

It seemed that her hands were even softer and gentler that day, as if she was trying to take all of my pain and all of my worries away. She brushed my hair back from my face and let her hands linger on the top of my head, as if trying to push some sense in there, or perhaps it was just love? She cleaned and massaged my face, using long, slow strokes, as if trying to smooth away all my troubles. And when she sent me off to my class, she hugged me close and kissed my cheek before turning away quickly to hide the tears that I still managed to see.

I went to class, but didn't look up at Josh or shake his hand as I entered. I tried to participate as much as possible, but a breathing exercise where you were supposed to find your "happy place" and from that place try to face your fears, felt hilariously unfitting. I looked up quickly at the end of class and saw Josh throwing questioning looks my way, but I didn't want to face another worried person and more questions, so I walked out of there as quickly as possible.

I heard him call out to me, but just kept walking, hoping he would be stopped by one or more of the women in my class, since they usually stayed to ask him a lot of follow-up questions. I made it out of the building before I heard Josh calling my name again and felt his gentle hand on my shoulder. I spent half a second on the surprised thought that his soft touch didn't scare me before I turned around to face him.

"I just wanted to make sure that you were all right?" he said with that same magically soothing voice that had me thinking about him again and again, was it only a few days ago?

"I'm fine," I answered "I'm just a bit tired."

"Please let me know if I can help you in any way!" he said before he pushed my hair back from my face and let his hand linger for a short moment on my cheek. He leaned in, seemingly intent on pressing a kiss to my other cheek, when he was interrupted by an angry bark.

I turned around quickly and saw Alfred running up to us with wild eyes, growling and barking. Josh took several steps backwards and Alfred pushed himself between us and continued to bark at my very surprised-looking teacher. I think it was the first time I had ever seen him not carrying his signature smile.

"I'm so sorry," I heard Edward's familiar voice call out "he's not really dangerous, but he is a bit protective around Rose here. I think you better go indoors and I'll make sure we're on our way in just a few minutes!"

Just seconds after Josh had disappeared, Alfred began waving his tail and pushed his head under my hand, his favorite way of soothing me, and perhaps soothing himself as well. Edward came up to me and put his hand on my arm, and I looked up into his warm, calm eyes.

"I've never seen him do anything even remotely like that before," he said "I'm beginning to suspect that you're in his pack now. I just didn't know he felt that strongly about protecting his own, but you live and you learn."

I shook my head and smiled weakly down at the now happy dog. I could see the need for him to protect me against my husband, but the always friendly Josh? I thought about it for a few seconds, wondering if there was something Alfred could sense about the two men, that I was unable to see. I shook that ridiculous thought off and figured that my furry friend probably didn't want me hanging around anyone outside of the pack. Silly dog!

"Why are you still here," I asked Edward softly as I ran my hands over Alfred's back "I told you to go as far away from here as it was possible."

"And we did go away, actually!" Edward answered "We went all the way to the other side of town, to my nephew's house. But today when we went for a walk, Edward kept dragging me back this way and well, the result was this... confrontation."

"You know that's not really far enough..." I told him.

"Well, be that as it may... How are you, are you ok?" he asked, one more person scanning me for possible injuries.

"I'm fine," I said, keeping my voice low "my husband got called away from home yesterday and he hasn't come back home yet."

"So you're not hurt... yet?" Edward asked, lowering his voice slightly.

"I'm fine, I'm just tired, that's all." I answered.

"I can't help being worried you know," Edward whispered "and I still say you should let me help you."

"And I love you for wanting to help, but I will live through this crisis, I will find a way to protect my friends and then I will do my best to get away!" I whispered back "And now I have to get back there, being late will not precisely improve my situation..."

I left Edward and Alfred on the sidewalk, walked quickly back to Gabriella, and then half-ran back to the house; if I hurried I would be on time.

- - - - -

A handful of days later, I was running again, this time away from the house. I now knew with absolute certainty that I wouldn't survive if I didn't go as far away from there as I could, without ever turning back. I knew, because I had seen my death in picture after picture, film after film. I had seen one blonde girl after another being used, abused and killed in one vicious, colorful statement after the other. And I had heard my husband's accompanying words describing every little thing he had done, every little thing he would soon be doing to me.

I ran to the first person I could think of, that I knew where to find; Gabriella would help me, I was sure of it. I slowed to a walk just before I entered the beauty parlor, but probably still had a wild and hurried quality to my movements, because the girl at the front desk gave me an odd look when walked in and then another when I asked if Gabriella was there. According to her Gabriella had the day off on Wednesdays and when I asked if there was any way to contact her, she just shook her head and told me to come back the next day, then she turned away and started fiddling with her phone.

I could feel myself deflating, that famous balloon-feeling, where all your breath and all your strength just disappears at the same time. I had no way of contacting her or Edward, I had made sure of it, to protect them as much as I could.

But perhaps there was one other person that might be willing to help me, at least he had said so on several occasions. Perhaps I could at least ask Josh for a place to hide and think for a while? With any luck I should be able to find him at work, if he worked the same hours every day?

I walked over there slowly, hoping that my decision to ask for help was the right one. Josh didn't know about my life, but perhaps he had been able to deduce what was going on, as the others had. I wasn't sure if I would be able to talk about it, and I hoped he wouldn't ask questions that I didn't have the strength to answer.

I walked into the empty reception area, then slowly continued towards the classroom where Josh usually resided, hoping I would be able to find him, even though the place seemed absolutely deserted. The room was as empty as the rest of the place, and I let out an exhausted sigh and sat down on one of the hard chairs. What now?

Before I was able to come up with a new plan I heard footsteps approaching, and someone whistling a cheerful tune on his way. There was so much joy in those few out of tune notes, that I instantly knew it had to be Josh. I turned towards the door and saw him entering, the way he started when he saw me and the wide smile that spread quickly as he realized who it was. His smile still made my heart beat a little unsteadily, and I could feel a blush spread across my previously pale and tired face.

"Rose," he said, still smiling "you're lucky you found me here, we're usually closed on Wednesdays, but I had some things I wanted to prepare before your class tomorrow. What brings you here?"

"I... I came to ask for help." I whispered, my face quickly turning back to its original color.

"Oh, Rose... of course I will help you," he said, his smile slightly smaller and accompanied by a worried frown "I said I would help you, didn't I?"

I nodded, but didn't say anything. I just sat there and looked at him, wondering where to start and how to tell him what needed to be said.

"Here," he said and reached for my hand "let's go to the lunch room, there are more comfortable chairs in there."

I willingly let myself be pulled from the chair I was sitting on. Those chairs really were uncomfortable, perhaps they had to be to make sure people didn't fall asleep through all of the relaxation and meditation classes? We walked down a short passageway into a small but colorful and inviting room, Josh still holding my hand securely in his. His hand was warm and strong, sort of like his personality, my mind mused. He guided me to the corner seat of a soft and comfortable sofa, made sure I had a big, soft pillow behind my back, sat down beside me and took my hands in his.

"Now, do you want to tell me what's happened?" he said with that soft, calm voice that I liked so much.

"I'm not really sure what to say or how," I whispered "but in short... I'm afraid of my husband and I have to get away."

I started crying, not able to stop the flow of tears. I had no strength left to put on a show, to wear the happily smiling face; my stubborn "everything's going to be ok" attitude was nowhere to be seen. I pulled my hands away to cover my face, and Josh let go of my hands, but then scooted closer and pulled me into a tender hug.

"I can't say I haven't seen the signs," he told me with a softer than usual voice "and I've been hoping that you would give me a chance to help you!"

I kept crying and he continued talking to me calmly, telling me the different ways he could help me, if I needed to hide, he'd find a place, if I needed to go away, he'd drive me. And he continued telling me about the many different ways of going about everything from the first escape to a possible future as I cried myself dry on his shoulder.

"This is not the time or the place," he whispered "but I felt I needed to tell you, just to come clean about it, that I like you very much. In fact, I'm very attracted to you. I'm not really sorry, because it's a wonderful feeling, but I wasn't sure if the knowledge would make you feel awkward or happy... or angry..."

I didn't know how to answer that statement, which seemed a bit out of place somehow. His declaration made my heart take a few extra dance steps, but the feelings that lingered were a complicated mix of disbelief and astonishment.

"I'm not angry... but perhaps... surprised?" I finally answered, looking down at my hands.

"Ok, so a little awkward then..." he answered and I could hear the smile he was wearing by the way his voice sounded.

I nodded, still staring at my hands. I didn't feel the strong surge of passion for him that I had felt before, mostly when I had been thinking about him when I was on my own, but I suspected it was probably due to my great levels of exhaustion.

"This is what I think we should do," he started saying "we should take a flight to a sweet island that I know of, where the days are warm and sunny and the nights are comfortably cool, where everyone lives a carefree and stress-free life and where you'll have plenty of space and time to heal and think about what to do with your future."

I nodded again, liking the idea of being able to get away, far away, but wondering about the cost of it all. Flying somewhere far away wasn't cheap, living on a tropical island wasn't free? As if he could read my thoughts the answer came flying with Josh's regular cheerful enthusiasm.

"All you have to do is break out one of your credit cards, and I'll set it up for you! In a few hours we'll be on our way!" he said with a short laugh "It'll be wonderful, you'll see!"

I straightened up, turned my eyes up to meet his and looked at his boyishly happy, smiling face.

"I don't have any credit cards and I don't have any money," I said, my voice louder than before "I have nothing except the clothes I'm wearing and the bag I'm carrying."

"You don't have a credit card?" he asked, his smile slipping a few degrees "Nothing?"

I shook my head and scanned his face, surprised by the changes I was seeing.

"So what you're saying is that you don't have access to any funds whatsoever?" he asked, his voice growing louder.

Once again I shook my head, and saw him turn away. When he turned back to face me, I almost didn't recognize the man in front of me. He wasn't smiling and his eyes were hard and cold; his friendly attitude obviously blown away by what I had revealed.

"So you mean I have wasted all this time on a woman that's completely without means? That I have worked this hard to win your trust, that I have approached you slower than I've ever had to with another woman in my entire life, that I have finally gained your trust and your affection, but that it's all in vain?"

His words were coming out stronger and stronger, until he was yelling quite loud. And I sat there trembling, until he stood up and walked a few steps, his agitation clearly visible in all of his movements. I stood up and tried to sneak away, to get away from that room, to get away from him, but he saw me moving and came pouncing. He threw me down on the floor and sat down on top of me, his knees on my arms. And he continued yelling at me, angry words that shocked and scared me, and turned my stomach.

"I had to put in a real effort to make you see me, to make sure that you wouldn't be afraid of me and to make you care for me. And when I saw that look in your eyes, when I could tell that I had woken some sort of passion in your cold upper-class body, I knew there was just a matter of time before you came to me. I had you in the palm of my hand. And then it turns out that you don't have any money. And I have spent so many completely wasted weeks on you!"

He stared me straight in the eyes and spat me in the face before he continued.

"And that means I now have just a few weeks to hook another wealthy fish, so I can finally get away from this godforsaken town. And if I don't manage to do that, it's all your fault. And since it's your fault you should be punished, and I know you know all about that, don't you? That's what all of this was about from the beginning, wasn't it? You wouldn't stay for your husband's punishment, but I guarantee you'll stay for mine. And perhaps you will even enjoy it a little. I'll thaw your frozen rich bitch cunt, you'll see!"