Flower Ch. 08

I was still standing right outside Gabriella's front door when Sean came running back towards the house. His quick steps worried me, what had happened, was something wrong? He probably saw my worried look because he hugged me close with one arm when he passed me, and pulled me into the small house. His other arm was occupied, carrying a brown paper box.

Sean put the box on the kitchen table, turned towards me and pulled me into his arms. He stood completely still, the full length of his body pressed against mine and as he leaned his head on top of mine, I realized that he was almost a head taller than I was. I also realized our previous hugs, and kisses, had all been given and received sitting down. I wanted to kiss him right there and then, but his arms were wrapped around me tightly, keeping me safely secured to his body, and it felt like he didn't want to let me go.

I pressed myself willingly against him and thought about the way his strong arms made me feel secure where another man's would probably have made me feel retained, captured, controlled... and afraid. Somehow it felt right, like coming home after a long trip, as if I had finally reached safe harbor. I wanted to keep holding him forever, because his presence made me feel calm, safe, happy... and loved. I closed my eyes and stopped worrying, stopped thinking that my feelings were too strong, that everything was happening too fast, and let myself lean on the powerful man in front of me, mind, body and soul.

Gabriella interrupted us a few minutes later with a loud clearing of her voice and we slowly parted. I looked up at Sean and saw my own feelings mirrored on his face. He nodded and kissed my temple before he turned the both of us towards his aunt. He grabbed my hand, nodded towards the paper box and started talking.

"Mary's found everything we need and it's time to do what needs to be done! So, I'm heading back to town as soon as possible, and I was kind of hoping you'd come with me?"

I appreciated that he asked us to come with him rather than just tell us to do so, I was pretty sure that a direct command would still have me pulling all the brakes, even after our close hug and my silent acknowledgement of the feelings I had for him. Now, since he asked and looked at us with big, pleading eyes, I had to hold myself back to not throw myself at him screaming "I'll go anywhere with you". In my mind I saw how he struggled to stand straight and keep upright as I came running, waving my arms ecstatically, basically climbing his tall shape, and a small giggle passed my lips. I held my hand over my mouth and shook my head when Sean looked at me with a question in his eyes. Then I remembered that I had promised myself I'd convince all of my friends to come with me to Mary's house.

"Mary wanted us to go to her house, where she said she could keep us safe. It's the least we can do for her, I thought?" I told them softly.

"Well, I have to get back to work," Gabriella said "but you should go!"

"You should both go," Sean said "I guess I might be needed in town..."

I looked at them and saw that they both had their stubborn faces on, and their facial expressions were so alike, it was a wonder I hadn't seen their family resemblance before. It almost made me giggle again, but I kept a straight face, set on convincing them to come with me.

"You see..." I said pleadingly "Mary has done all this hard work for me, for us, and she's so wonderful and strong, but so afraid that we'll get hurt - and I really didn't want to use this form of persuasion, but could you please do it for me? Please... pretty please?!"

I looked at them with "pretty please" written all over my face, and Sean nodded a single fierce nod before turning towards his aunt. Gabriella looked at me, at Sean and then back at me again before she started laughing. She kept laughing as she walked up to me, tousled my hair and gave me a quick hug.

"Rose, you really need to practice on your sad-puppy-dog-look, you need big, wet eyes AND trembling lips, otherwise it won't work on me..." she said, still laughing "luckily Sean knows just how to do it... so yes, I'll come with you..." she paused and then added "but I need to go home and pack a bag and then I have to go to the shop, to take care of some things that can't wait until next week, okay?"

I nodded and smiled, then turned towards Sean again.

"You have to come," I told him "and you have to make sure Edward and Alfred come too! I need all of you to be safe!"

Sean laughed, nodded, gave me a quick hug and walked out of the house to "make a few quick calls to some of his friends on the police force". Gabriella busied herself in the kitchen, making coffee and sandwiches for us to eat before we left. She sang a slow, soft song as she poured the water in the coffee-maker and cut the bread, a sweet song that I had never heard before, but that somehow reminded me of my childhood days. I opened my mouth to ask her about the song, but it looked like she was caught up in memories, so I walked away to give her some space.

After washing my face and shaking my head at my lake-soaked hair in the mirror, I walked back into the guest room, set on tidying up before we went back to the city. I made the bed and then stood there, once more taking in the calm atmosphere of the room, hugging one of the pillows with closed eyes, to make sure I remembered everything about the room and my days and nights in it, surprised that the image of the tiny, giggling princess still made an appearance. I closed the door with a sigh; it was time for a new chapter, it was time to start walking towards that better, brighter future.

We were all surprisingly silent when we sat down at the table and started eating the breakfast Gabriella had made. It was a tense silence, as if we were all worried about what that day would bring, or as if we were trying to build some extra strength for what was to come in the very near future. The sound of a phone interrupted the quiet and had me almost jumping off my seat. Sean fumbled with the phone before he managed to press the right button to answer it. Once again I listened to the conversation, wanting to know who the caller was. It didn't take too many words before I figured it out.

"Hello, what? Yes, we're still here... having breakfast," Sean answered somewhat annoyed "how did you know? What? You can't do that, or at least you can't tell me you're doing that! Our plan? We're all going back to the city, I'm going to hand over the papers and then I'm going to get Edward, Rose and Gabriella are going past Gabriella's place and then to the beauty parlor, then to that mysterious house you've never told me about... ok, yes... I'll let you talk to her..."

Sean handed the phone over to Gabriella and a new, even more strange conversation began.

"Hello? Well yes... that's the address..." she started, surprise on her face "If we have far to walk? No, we'll park in the garage and take the elevator up... yes it's protected... we'll be safe. We'll be there in about 45 minutes... see you soon!"

It didn't take a genius to figure out that it was Mary they'd both been talking to, she had a whirlwind way about her sometimes and I could see the Mary-effect on both of their faces. I couldn't hold back the giggle that their stunned expressions generated inside of me. Something was definitely different about me, I didn't usually walk around with laughter bubbling out of me all the time. Sean looked at me, smiled and took my hand. I could almost read "you should laugh more often" in his eyes, and I was happy he didn't just blurt it out, because, well... there hadn't been too many things to laugh about lately had there?

We all helped clean the kitchen, and just ten minutes later we were on our way, Sean in one car, me and Gabriella in the other. We had decided we would all meet up at the beauty parlor, and the parting kiss Sean gave me before we left kept me occupied for at least half of the ride back to the city. After shaking the dreamy-eyed feeling off, I started thinking about the future again. The fact that we were moving, that we were finally doing something made me feel oddly excited. The fear was still there, but under a layer of decisive stubbornness. My husband wasn't going to get away with what he had done, and I was going to get a happy end to the story of my life!

When we reached the city I saw Sean's car turn right and seconds later Gabriella turned left. We were separated, but hopefully just for a short while. I stared after Sean and felt a strange, upset feeling inside of me that I didn't want to acknowledge, it wasn't like I wouldn't ever see him again after all, was it? I let my teeth worry my lower lip as I tried to sort through my thoughts, by intelligently studying the facts and ignoring my feelings. Strangely enough, there were a lot of facts that had surprising similarities to emotions, so I gave it up, sighed and stared out the window.

After parking the car in the garage below the apartment building, Gabriella showed me into her "city home", as she called it. She told me she had moved to that apartment just a year ago, deciding that she didn't need a large place anymore, especially since she had her real home by the lake to go to.

Gabriella's rather modern flat was small, clean, orderly, but kind of impersonal. It was as if the house on the countryside held her warm heart, and her "city home" was just a place to sleep and perhaps eat a few bites in. Gabriella told me she needed a shower, and then she'd start packing. She invited me to look through her closet for some clean clothes before she laughed at my gaping mouth and closed the door to the bathroom. It didn't feel quite right to go through another woman's things, so I walked into the kitchen, surprised when I found that room as impersonal as the rest of the place. There were no cook books, no flowers and no memory items in there, and it didn't feel as inviting as any of the more recent kitchen areas I had been exploring. I sat down and stared down at my hands thinking that if I had a kitchen I would definitely need a few cook books, and flowers, and then the memories would probably start making themselves?

A loud buzzing sound had me jumping once more and I ran to the door, and looked out the security peephole to make sure it was really Mary who was standing out there. It was, but she looked annoyed and seemed to be muttering something to herself. I opened the door, and she was still grumbling something about "low level security" and "even a novice could break in" and "let's-just-chose-the-cheapest-contractor stupidity". She gave me a quick glance and then walked into the apartment scanning all of the rooms before she settled down in one of the chairs in the kitchen, dropping another brown paper box on the table in the process.

Mary's movements were unusually edgy, almost twitchy and when I looked at her hands I could tell they were shaking. Steady, dependable, always able Mary, shaking? I stared at her hands and all sorts of thoughts ran through my mind; was it just because she was tired, or because she was worried about us, or... did it have something to do with those scars she had shown me? I opened my mouth again to ask her all of the questions that were tumbling around in my head, but she stopped me once more with a shake of hers.

"I'm worried because I've found evidence suggesting that your husband is still in the city. I'm happy that you're coming to my house, but the hours between now and then is the real worry. If I could I would go with you to the beauty parlor, just to make sure everything was ok, but I have an important... meeting, that I can't miss. And I haven't been able to get a hold of a good security team, at least not a team that is... good enough... so I'm worried..." she said, her hurried words turning into a soft whisper as she ended.

I looked at her nervous appearance and felt I needed to reassure her.

"Sean, Edward and Alfred are all meeting us there," I said, my words perhaps a bit more confident than I felt on the inside "and there will be a lot of people in the parlor, he wouldn't want to make a fool out of himself or his family, I'm sure of it!"

"I hope you're right, but I have this weird feeling that I've missed something important, that I haven't seen the full picture. And that that missing piece of the puzzle is what will make this whole thing blow up in our faces!" Mary said, this time ending her speech in a slightly hysterical tone.

She closed her eyes and took a handful of deep breaths before opening them again. She seemed to calm down as she looked at me, and it made me think that she might actually be helped by fully concentrating on what was before her. The ability to focus so completely must be a useful superpower, but then again, perhaps I was just searching for quick fixes to my own anxiety problems. She leaned back in the chair, more like the Mary I was used to, and smiled her usual, full smile. Her smile turned slightly wicked as she lifted an eyebrow and her eyes started glittering.

"So you and Sean, huh?" she said nodding "It's a good fit, that's for sure. Have you tested how well you fit physically yet?"

My cheeks turned flaming red and I shook my head, not really surprised at the question, she did tend to ask the difficult questions, in a very straight-forward manner.

"So a no on that question," she said with a small laugh "with a small, secret "I can't wait to try him out" added to it. Good, I'm happy for you!"

She wrinkled her forehead and looked down at her hands shortly, as if she was trying to find a way to tell me something but had a difficult time finding the right way to do it. She looked up at me with a serious expression on her face and I held my breath, anxious to hear what she had to say.

"Well, the thing is, when I'm worried, sometimes I say things that don't fit with my fundamental beliefs, and those things come back haunting me for quite some time after I've said them. In your case I did it this morning..." she said, keeping her eyes fixed on mine.

I nodded to get her to keep talking, thinking that I couldn't remember that she'd said anything that was bad or wrong.

"I told you to let Sean help you get through it all; in a sense I basically told you to "lean on the big, strong man, because you're just a weak woman and you need the protection only a man can give you", and it didn't sit well in my mind. You're a strong woman and you don't really need a man, even though Sean is a pretty decent one, all things considered. I just want you to look at what you've endured, the strength it has taken to hide all of it from your friends, the strength it has taken to break free. And I want you to keep that in mind, that you're stronger than all of us. Remember it, because you're only as strong as your thoughts..."

She took a deep breath and I wondered if she ever took a breath in mid-sentence, I didn't seem like she did, she just kept going.

"You're going to need support to get through this, that is true, but you're going to have to do all the mental heavy lifting yourself. You've been living in fear for so long, probably reacting by freezing up, or by running away - at least mentally, so freezing, hiding and running are probably natural reactions for you when something or someone scares you, or when you're worried, stressed out or feel uncertain about something. But here's the thing, it's not your mind and your thoughts that control you, even though it might feel like that most of the time. No, you're in charge. Instead of reacting automatically in stressful situations you can stop yourself, check your emotions and make conscious decisions. And when you get to that point, when you're truly in control, that's when you grow stronger, that's when you don't have to live in fear anymore!"

I tried to process everything she'd been telling me, one question standing out, needing to be posed.

"How?" I said and looked at her.

"It might sound silly, but the truth is really simple. If you think "I'm strong, I'm in control", your mind is going to respond to that and you're going to feel stronger and more in control. I'm sure you've heard of positive affirmations? Well, it's the same principle, if you say to yourself that you're happy, that you're pretty and so on, you're going to feel happy, pretty and... whatever..." her words tuned out as she saw the skeptic look on my face. She laughed and continued.

"Trust me, I was very skeptical to the whole idea a few years ago, but after having a neuro scientist explain the actual, physical functions of the brain to me, I've been converted. You are in control, not your mind. Anyways, all I'm saying is - think about your strength, not your weaknesses, it's a good start!"

"Not really a quick-fix then..." I said under my breath.

She laughed and patted the box she had placed on the table.

"This is the quick-fix," she told me "two things that will make you feel safe and make me feel a whole lot less worried!"

She pulled out a cell phone and showed me how to reach her by just pressing one button on it. Then she pulled out something that looked like a tool, or maybe a combination between a tool and a weapon.

"This is a stun gun..." she said before handing it over to me.

She opened a browser on the phone she'd given me and accessed a page with instructions, both written and filmed, on how to use it, before she showed me herself with simple movements. She then handed it back to me again and told me to do what she had done. It wasn't complicated, but it felt strange to hold something that could be used to cause harm. It felt... wrong, somehow.

The box wasn't entirely empty, but held some clothes, and a rather strange combination of clothes at that. A set of lovely, lacy, purple underwear was combined with simple black socks, a pair of sneakers, a pair of jeans, a tank top and a t-shirt that said "the force is strong in me". I looked at Mary, nodded at the text, and attempted to lift my eyebrow the way my friend usually did, failing the attempt quite miserably.

"Too obvious?" she laughed "Well, sometimes subtlety is overrated. Sometimes what you really need is a kick in the butt."

She stood up and stretched, movements once again smooth and controlled, her hands still shaking slightly. She walked around the table and gave me a hug, then showed me how to hide the phone in my back pocket and the stun gun tucked into my pants, under the long t-shirt. It felt awkward, and I couldn't stop thinking that there was a high chance that I'd manage to stun my own butt with it, probably whilst accidently calling Mary with my other butt-cheek.

I saw Mary out of the apartment and just minutes later Gabriella came gliding out of the bathroom, freshly showered, her hair and makeup perfectly in order. I told her about Mary's visit, showed her the stuff she had brought and after a short discussion about weapons designed to cause less harm than guns, I walked into the bathroom to take a well-needed shower.

I stood in the shower and repeated the words my friend had told me. It really did seem incredible, even ridiculous, that thinking "I'm strong" would make you strong. But then again, the opposite, thinking that you were weak, seemed logically connected to feeling weak, so why was the power of thinking good things so much harder to believe in?

I washed up, remembering far too late that I'd been instructed not to shower for a handful of days. I muttered a few curses, stepped out, dried off and got dressed in the clothes that were all a surprisingly good fit. There was no need for makeup, so after tucking the phone, the stun gun and the rest of my pitifully few possessions in my jeans and quickly brushing my hair, I was ready for our next stop on our way to Mary's place.

We rode in silence in Gabriella's car, each of us caught up in our own thoughts. My thoughts were mostly circling around the sorry state of my lower back, and the hard gun that was pressing into it. "Good job, Rose," my body seemed to scream "great plan, good thinking". We didn't have far to go, but still, I jumped out of the car with a happy smile on my lips, sighing in relief. Then the strangeness of the situation hit me; a few sharp pokes in the back for a few minutes, wasn't really painful in comparison to other painful moments, was it? I bit my lip, sent the memories back behind the closed door and started walking, set on focusing on my future.