Focus

Eight ball says "ask again later" in response to my inquiry of whether or not Jack is intimately involved with either Teresa or Angie, both of whom had been involved with the two of us. After a month of back to back wine-tasting events, he finally had a weekend off and we had planned to go to Tampa together. However, after hearing of his fear of being stifled, I said, "Maybe you should go by yourself." He had said just last week that I allowed him no friends. What could I say to that? I didn't see it that way. All that I want to say, that I try to say comes out all wrong, so I won't say anything anymore, at least not for a while. I'll just write. These experiences are my muse, sometimes bitter, sometimes hot, they give me focus.

"It's so quite in here." Eldrick has Angie in the "El shack" right now as I construct this chair for the auction. El has been the kind of master I had hoped Jack could be, but Adrian prevented that. "It doesn't really matter now," I tell myself. "Oh but it does!" Let me just focus on the sensations I felt when El and Angie bound me to a chair much like this one ... the ecstatic heat of desire flowed from my dripping cunt throughout my entire body. Yet, as much as it stirs me to recreate that night in my mind, it is nothing like the un-air-conditioned summer evening in Jack's old house, when Adrian thrust her whole fist inside me as he fucked her from behind. Beyond all that, I am an artist and my experiences give me focus.

I wish Adrian were the same shy, fiery, slut she was when I first met her. Now she arouses such pain and fury in me that I can no longer even think of binding and flogging her, which is what she wants more than anything. The submission she once had is a bed overgrown with weeds of jealousy. Everything I do to cut them down makes more grow in their place. I find it ironic that she so deeply loved the book, Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns and now she's screwing me, emotionally, nothing but a thorn herself. I'm supposed to be the Master! I can't get on top of her mood swings...she's crazy, but how can I tell her that? I love her with all my heart, but I don't love how she makes me feel about myself anymore. Every time I see her, she cries. I've never been one to want to admit something like this, but I'm losing focus.

I sense Jack drifting away from me and the cards let me know it is true. I have to hold on less tightly. I know he loves me, but they want him. Teresa and Angie want him. Maybe they love him too. I love them, but being with them, as good as it felt, ripped something out of my soul. I wish we could all be "just friends" without the prestidigitation of sexual intrigue. I know I am bisexual and I enjoy the bdsm lifestyle, at least I think I do. I love the people here, some of them anyway. Honestly, I just wish it could be like it was the first time Jack tied me to the iron day bed in his old house. I'll never forget the way it felt to have his fingers inside me as he held me, possessively, in front of the mirror, after releasing me from the bonds of the bed. He wanted to put his entire fist inside me and told me that he would, in time, when my body became more submissive to his demands. He warmed the flesh of my ass as he spanked me, with firm tenderness. I savored the animalistic thrust of his cock as he promised to use the lovely leather floggers on me when I was ready. I wanted to scream that I was ready right then, but he was clearly uninterested in my demands, wanting nothing more than my sincere interest in his. So I'll leave my own needs aside for now and only on his will I focus.

I need more twigs for the roots of my chair and more hair for the seat of it, the seat that is supposed to resemble my pussy. I'm glad Angie likes the hair on my pussy. It hurt my feelings that Adrian was so eager to shave it all off. Jack urged her to consider my feelings and leave it as I liked, which she did. She didn't go down on me much, though, and I have a feeling that it was because of my hair. I like my hair and I don't want the stubble and aggravation of having to shave it constantly. I wonder if it is little things like that which cause Jack to prefer Adrian to me. She shaves her pubic hair and stays in better physical shape. She has no one to share, though. I have Angie and would share her freely. We have become very dear friends and she adores Jack as much as I do. We have been willing to share ourselves freely with El and respect his need for others. Why can't Jack see that? He deserves to have his needs met and we are better prepared emotionally. We have the maturity to be what he demands and Adrian doesn't. She's only 24 and still very needy herself. I wonder when and how she lost respect for her own needs. She doesn't seem to know what she wants at all and its really hurting Jack to the point that his photography, wine career, and friendships are all suffering due to his lack of focus.

I can no longer concentrate on my work, the wine or the pictures. She's always on my mind and I want to do whatever it takes to make her happy. We call each other constantly which is getting me in some hot water at work. I masturbate at least three or more times a day to deal with the frustration and try to balance my own needs. The last time we made love, she fell asleep before it was over. I wish I'd just fucked her instead of trying to be so soft and tender. She needs a good fucking but I'm afraid she'd cry. I need to get away, to be among friends that accept me for who I am. I called Angie today to see if she, Teresa and El would mind me joining them for the weekend. Adrian agreed to give me some time to myself. Its not that I want to betray Adrian or even leave her, I just need some space so I can get things back in focus.

I wish the other night when he made love to me that he'd just fucked me instead. Its what I've been wanting for so long. I don't know how things changed so much. Now I wonder if he's fucking them while he's there. I know he needed space but I cannot imagine him making love to them. He's even said that he could never love them. Their ideas are unlike his when it comes to life. Jack doesn't respect some of their attitudes and behaviors and he finds both Teresa and Angie rather frigid for his tastes though physically he his not judgemental so he could very well engage in something with them which would not go against his conscience. I'm loud and writhing and into my pleasure as much as his...well, I was, once. What happened? I was also once in better shape but lately have begun to ignore the needs of my body in many ways. The last time we were together I realized how much I've lost myself. Recognizing that my only source of heat now, comes from reveling in the memories as I touch myself, fist fuck myself, and use the vibrator he gave me, I know things are all out of focus.