For the Whored Ch. 109

Elunara laughed. "You did a damned good job of hiding it, if I do say so myself."

He grinned. "But then, you defended me so quickly against... him and everything you've done after..." He shook his head again. "I just don't know what to make of you some days. I mean, for five straight days, you lay there, giving her everything you could, just to keep her alive. Who does that?"

She sighed and brushed hair out of Jenny's face. "I don't know either. I do things without thinking about them, and then get embarrassed by the fall out. Strange isn't it?"

"Sometimes it bothers me."

"What?"

"How down on yourself you always are."

"I'm not..."

"Yes you are. You get mad when people respect you; you even pitched that fit when everyone bowed to you. I don't know why you hate it so much." He raked his hands through his hair. "Is it really so wrong, that we like you? When you give and give without anyone asking. Yeah, we're not going to line up and start asking for our own miracles. Is it really so wrong, that people smile and wave? We're not trying to attack you."

"I liked it better when you were afraid of me."

"There you go again!" He pointed at her. "That, right there. That bugs me. You freaking just saved the life of the woman I love, and you're pissy about it."

"No, I'm pissy because you're lecturing me."

"All I'm trying to say is that you are the nicest person I have ever met, and I don't like how you view yourself. You're not... "The Whore" any more. You don't have to be that person."

She sighed and stroked Jenny's hair. "First and foremost, I will always be The Whore; it's bred to the bone. I am a woman who has sex with men for the sheer fun of it, and I picked that name, because it was the last thing my mother ever said to me. I wanted to take the word and erase all meaning of it. I would be what I made of it." She shook her head. "I personally know, that the more a word is said, the less meaning it has, until it's left with the meaning you want it to have. That is why I chose it."

"Oh. Oh, man."

"Now, I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact, that I am a nice person. You've never read my books, but one day you might want to. Until Grogek, I had no emotions, at least in the core. Yeah, I got mad or I could enjoy things, but really... "She sighed again. "Realistically, I never felt any emotion towards the men I bedded; I never felt any emotion over the throats I cut. I wasn't capable of love, and it was rare I even laughed. All of my experiences were based on tactile need. I had to have them. I had to taste them, to smell them, to feel them. These things brought me pleasure. The use of my body was just a means to an end.

Now? Now I don't know what I am any more. I cling to the whore, because that's what I know. This new side of me is... terrifying. I never knew fear, until I entered this phase of my life. I wasn't afraid of death, or pain. Pain was just a new way to experience things. I have been tortured in ways you would only dream of, and to me? They tickled. They were amusing. Just something else to experience and learn from. When I found love? I suddenly understood all of those emotions I had never felt before. Suddenly, I could be afraid of things, afraid FOR someone. I..." She rocked her head back and forth. "React? The way I do, because it's just me playing with thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Yes, I could have left Jenny to the healers. I could have left her to the chance that the antidote had gotten to her in time. But, there was this part of me, hidden deep inside, that was terrified of letting go. I barely know her, and yet, I could feel your pain, like a rotten tooth, and I could feel her slipping away, and it was as if your pain and anguish woke up that hidden pocket of fear. I had to help her, if for no other reason than to save you from the grief."

"You... care that much?"

She shook her head. "Yes, and no." She sighed ad stroked Jenny's head. "Mark, I like you. You're a good kid, and I'm glad you've found someone you love. But, on the surface of things, that's about as deep as it gets. But, when I am in a situation, with a distraught or upset person, I... take on their pain. When I saw Lydia struggling with her legs, I felt her pain. I'd just barely met the child, and I knew how horribly, painfully embarrassed she was over her legs. I felt it like it was happening to my own body. It's the same. I throw myself into these situations, because I was wrapped up in the suffering of another. That's why I keep freaking out.

I don't feel like a hero, I feel like a twit who let her emotions get the better of her. For someone who spent a good thirty or forty years having felt no emotion whatsoever, suddenly having to deal with other people's emotions is tiring. I feel their love and admiration pouring into me like an endless well, and I just want to throw the fuck up."

"I know how that feels." Jenny muttered.

Elunara brushed her hair back. "Finally decided to join the conversation?"

"Even if you only saved me because you felt you had to... you still did it, so I'm grateful." She tightened her hold on Elunara's waist.

Mark was over in an instant, rubbing his hand down her back. "Sweetheart, how do you feel?"

"Like I want to throw the fuck up."

"Hold on, let me help you to the privy." Elunara climbed out of the bed and helped Jenny deal with her functions.

"I guess my present is poorly chosen." Mark sighed in the other room.

"Present?"

Elunara helped Jenny back in the bed.

"I got Tippy to make one of her carrot cakes..."

Jenny struggled to sit up. "Fuck it, if I die, I'll die happy."

Elunara laughed and helped her up. "Come on now, let's do it right."

Jenny groaned over the first bite.

Elunara sighed. "Now, this is just torture. Tippy's carrot cake is my favorite too."

"You saved my life; you get your own piece."

After awhile, Jenny eyed Elunara over her cake. "You know, you can call random emergency situations as part of your emotional thing, but you can't call incidentals over it."

"What?"

"You came over as often as you could make time, to ease my nausea. If you could call my poisoning immediate, you can't explain five days of care, as just emotional. You can't even take your visits to help me as just a sudden urge. I imagine you'd be pretty good at divesting yourself of a situation you don't like. I guess everyone filling you with emotions you don't understand would be pretty exhausting." She sighed and took another bite. "At risk of you getting annoyed and not coming back... You're a good person. Live with it."

"Bah." Elunara shoved a heaping fork in her mouth.

Mark grinned. "I have to admit, it's kind of nice to know that Elunara can be unsettled by anything."

"I hate you both." She mumbled.

At the knock on the door, Mark got up and answered.

"She in here?"

Mark nodded and stepped back. "Yes, sir."

Jordan stuck his head in. "You know, it's almost dark. We were getting worried."

Elunara held up her fork. "Carrot Cake."

"Ah, so... we won't expect you back tonight?"

"Oh, go on you goof. I'll be there in a bit; I'm busy being lectured by these nobodies."

Jordan laughed. "Well, they chose the best way to keep you glued to the seat. I'll let everyone know."

"Yeah, yeah I'll be along."

"I still can't believe you keep so many." Mark shook his head.

"With all the shit that's going on, my family has been rather clingy. I can't quite blame them either." She kissed Jenny's forehead. "Get some sleep, little dove."