Forget to Remember Ch. 01

That Friday found me nearly panting with nerves but Heidi was a great interviewer. She had me relaxed quickly and took my intense focus a marker of my ability to follow the intricate and exacting rules of high stakes test administration. Or maybe she was desperate. But by 6pm Friday I had a job that paid decently and I started that next Wednesday.

I've been there nearly four years now and it suits me perfectly. As much as I loved Maris and she loved me, a year of living together had been enough. A couple years back I'd found my own place, a cute ranch style condo in a decent neighborhood. I knew that while I might have struggles in lots of other areas, I was a sight better off than many recent college grads, at least financially. I didn't swim in money, not at all, but I wasn't having to live with 3 roommates and make crippling student loan payments and I had been able to come up with a decent down payment for my place. All by 24.

Today the rising sun is shining and the early morning wind rolled through my window smelling fresh and vibrant as I drive cautiously or as my friends say like a granny to my work . But I'm able to get to the testing center lobby, unlock and begin to set up the testing stations a good 20 minutes before I can start checking in the little science cherubs. I like being organized and in control. It's going to be a great day.

Oh wait. This is my day. A day in my life. Of course it didn't stay great.

Later that afternoon I ran my fingers through my limp brown hair, every gesture an effort as I was drooping with exhaustion, my shirt rumpled, one sleeve rolled up, back clammy with sweat and fuck all knew where my tie had gone. I needed coffee in the worst way. Today had been one of the worst I've ever had. One of the worst days ever.

Check in was no worse than typical, as usual someone forgot the detailed instructions sent when registering for something as huge as the MCAT and hadn't brought the proper ID to their test and was consequently denied entry. I hated to do it but my whole job was enforcing these rules. The usual complaining and crying ensued, I explained that they had a time window to get the required ID in to the center and almost ten minutes after a frantic call to a roommate later one frazzled curly headed girl was signed in and allowed into the room with her assigned #2 pencil and 2 sheets of plain paper.

Not so bad right? For a half hour it was business as usual.

Then the power went out. And all the computers failed. Cue the panic attacks of 18 students vying for med school admission through an extremely expensive computerized system that just suddenly went kaput, all under the dim emergency lights casting shadows that seemed to increase the level of everyone's nerves.

I tried to keep everyone calm and not talking to each other, lest they forfeit the test, to see if the power would miraculously switch back on, and perhaps this little blip could be forgotten and the day would move forward.

But oh ho ho did the universe have jokes today.

The power never came back on, after 15 minutes I had to call the MCAT administrative help desk, explain the situation while 18 potential med students cried and wailed and generally made my life hell demanding for me to "do something!!"

Just shut up, holy hell shut

UP I'm on the phone doing something, I'm getting it covered!

I didn't say that. Out loud. I seethed and settled for glaring at the ruckus while giving the bored customer service representative the details of all my test takers, our location, and reason for the test stoppage so all 18 precious crying cherubs could have their $315 refunded and first priority at a reschedule date.

But as if that wasn't enough. Whatever happened blew something major and the AC had shut off. Fine ok. Let me get the cherubs on their way and I'll call it a day and head out of this sweltering basement level rabbit warren. Easy peasy.

No.

The security system was down, a victim to the massive brown out across campus. Carmichael U needed to upgrade it's electrical systems badly it was obvious. So. Because of that, I needed to wait for a manual check and lock out from security. And wouldn't you know Dave in security clearly had better things to do than walk his happy chubby ass over to my aforementioned hellscape of a sweltering basement location in a timely manner. Three hours and four increasingly frustrated and yes, bitchy, reminder phone calls later until I was walking back to my car ready to call this parade of fuckery a day.

Again. No.

My car had a flat. It was with a sickening jolt that I recalled I never did replace that old donut tire like I meant to. I stood in front of my little blue hatchback and tried not to sob at the level of punishment I had apparently achieved today.

Two hours in the hot sun later, AAA had completed a tire change, my credit card had a nearly 300 dollar ding and I was FINALLY able to fucking leave. I was tempted to peel out of the lot, tires squealing but caution won as it always does.

I needed coffee in the worst damn way. Every other word I was thinking was a curse word. I was hot, sweaty, frustrated and starved. Off to The Buzz coffee shop I go!

The coffee shop was fairly quiet. Not dead, but the usual suspects for 2pm on a random Tuesday. A few mom types, clearly getting a few stolen moments in while the darlings pasted and colored at playgroup. Some students, but because my fave coffeehouse was situated farther from campus not too many of those, and one guy with a gleaming shark smile, two phones and an obnoxious pile of paperwork taking up a whole table.

I strolled to the counter and faced Jonathan, today's barista. Jonathan is not my favorite. He's a rude, tedious and overly preening twink who flirts extremely obviously with all the hunky guys even when they're glaringly straight. Or with their girlfriend. He's also adorable, charming and super confident. I love to hate him.

"Hello, howcanIhelpyou." Jonathan sighs and pushes his words out quickly like he can't wait to be done taking my order.

"Cinnamon latte, to go, large please" I state calmly, even though at this point my day has been stressful enough that his bored tone makes me want to shake him until his lip gloss slides off his pouty face.

"Sure."

He drawls and casually drifts away to start making it, when suddenly he looks behind me and perks up like a prairie dog popping out of a den. He's suddenly bustling and seems chipper and eager, calling out to me sweetly.

"That'll be $4.15 love!"

I hand him my money, wondering at this sudden change when it hits me. This raw scent of man, powerful and like a sun drenched fields and also shaded tree lined brooks. It was sensual, beautiful and I was scared to look.

But I did. And holy hell, did I look. Coming up to the counter was the most gorgeous chiseled beautiful dictionary definition of a man I'd ever seen. He was probably at least 6'4, ripped and had shoulders you could hold onto all night if you know what I mean. My crotch knew what I meant for sure. He had hair so blond it was nearly white, but a gorgeous tan the color of honey on a fresh baked biscuit. His eyes were shining and though I couldn't tell what color they were from here, they hinted he felt happy. He was watchful which fit him because also, he was a cop and he filled out his dress blues like he was poured into them. I snapped my suddenly burning face back around and moved down the counter to give Officer Goodbody space.

"Hi hi Officer Kells."

Jonathan simpered, swaying his tiny body halfway over the counter as he batted his eyelashes at the extremely fit cop. He went on, biting his lip and blushing.

"Your usual I guess?"

Little slut. Back off.

Whoa. Whoa Josh. You don't even know this guy and anyway he would never look at your boring self and also he's definitely not even gay.

I shake my head at myself and start checking my Instagram as I wait for my drink and try to covertly eye Officer Goodbody's, I mean, Officer Kells' ass. The cop laughs with genuine delight and amusement at Jonathan's slutty wiles and winks when saying

"Yeah sure, be quick though, because I'm not supposed to be breaking right now."

Jonathan giggles and flounces to the espresso machine. I roll my eyes but lose myself in my phone for a bit, waiting impatiently for the glory that is my latte to arrive when I see a to go cup slide onto the counter. I slap my phone into my pocket and reach for the cup, when I collide into a hard body who is also reaching for the cup. My nondescript arm slides against his thick corded forearm, oh he has freckles, and my side checks into his tactical belt covered hip. We both stop and look at the cup. Each other. The cup.

Jonathan clears his throat, cutting sharp eyes at me

"Officer Kells this is yours. Cinnamon latte to go, now don't be late, I'd hate to see you-"

He flicks his eyes up and down and teases.

"-get in trouble."

I'm annoyed and my face had to be screaming that, because Officer Goodbody looks away from me, frowns and asks the barista twink.

"Shouldn't his order be up first? I'm not here to jump the line."

Turning his concerned silvery blue grey eyes on me, oh yes I can see their color now and they're a deliciously deep pool I don't wanna climb out of, he questions me with

"What did you order?"

I blush and exasperatedly state in what I can only shamefacedly call a whine.

"...a cinnamon latte."

The golden stud, I mean Officer Kells, geesh Josh hold yourself together, looks down at me, sweeping those gorgeous eyes across my obviously debilitated body. He smiles a sweet little smirk and steps forward grabbing the to go cup and handing it to me. His eyes are moonlight on the ocean and his mouth opens oh it's so warm looking and inviting.

"You take it then. Don't let it be said I deprived a pretty boy of his restorative afternoon delight."

He says before winking.

I stand rooted. I look down at my loafers, up again at his face and down. My blush is the fire of a thousand suns. I'm melting under the force of that smile, those muscles, his intoxicating smell. Oh god. I'm rivaling jonathan-the -rudest-barista-ever in my complete adolescent adoration of this man. How hard am I breathing? Wait am I still breathing?? I take the coffee and croak.

"Th-thank you officer."

Sigh. Why am I such a dork.

"It's Kevin. Kevin Kells. But my friends and lovers all call me Kells"

He murmurs at me with a small grin. His eyes slide down my body again, setting my soul open to his inspection. He is resting against the counter dangerously close to my personal space.

"Oh. Oh. Y-y-yes. Um. Ok. Kevin."

Oh Jesus take the wheel I'm stumbling my words like I'm 13 again. He raises his eyebrow. What. What? Ohhh!

"I'm Josh. Josh Morris."

I manage to gasp out with wide eyes. An annoyed sigh and a slam signals the arrival of a second cup on the counter.

"Cinnamon latte."

The twink bites out, glaring at me furiously.

"You can call me Kells. See you around pretty Joshy."

The blond cop says, before grabbing his cup and sauntering back out to his waiting patrol car. I turn to watch, clutching the paper cup his fingers were just wrapped around, and see him lift his hand in acknowledgment of my interest before he drives away.

This is the best day ever.

**********

"Josh. Are you blind. I'm telling you, he was totally flirting!!" Maris squealed in excitement, batting her small hands against my arm. "Why didn't you give him your number?"

I blinked. It had been two days since I had my coffee infused encounter with Officer Goodbody, and I was still unsure I hadn't misconstrued the whole situation. Why would such a gorgeous man, capable of pulling whoever he wanted on the regular, be at all interested in plain, boring me? It didn't make sense. Kevin Kells being gay was implausible. Kevin Kells being interested in me was impossible. Guys like him went for attractive, smooth, witty guys. Guys who could flirt and not act like they'd skipped the tutorial for dude rules of interaction back in 7th grade. They wanted quick witted, sexy, charming guys like Jonathan. Or any of the pretty ones at the clubs, lining the dance floor and ready for fun.

He called you pretty though I suddenly remembered. I was still astounded by this and said so to Maris.

"He called me pretty. Pretty Joshy"

"I know," she giggled. "You've said so, a few times." ok so maybe I'd told her this story more than once in the last 48 hours.

"I should have given him my number. Now what? Hang around the coffee shop hoping I can ogle him if he comes back to get lattes?"

I was dismayed and frustrated. Spaz strikes again.

"Don't worry so much Josh," counseled Maris. "I bet you'll see him again. How many other places even serve cinnamon lattes in this town?"

She has a point. While there are 4 or 5 coffee shops on Carmichael U's campus, this neighborhood was 15 miles out from there and The Buzz remains a sole installment to the art of the bean.

I try to relax. But my mind is spinning trying to make sense of that bizarre encounter, where logic failed to execute any understanding of why I had attracted such attention from a man too sexy for words, especially when I had presented myself at that coffee counter as nothing but a sweaty, tongue tied hot mess.

"Well look Josh, I gotta run. Nathan is waiting and it's our four month anniversary."

Maris smugly states. Her tongue ran lightly over her lips as her cheeks pinkend noticeably.

"Have fun and be good Maris"

I laugh, thinking of the wild dates she's dreamed up before, for other men she tried hard to please on big occasions such as a monthsaversary

"If you can't be good, be good at it. Now go get yourself some dick."

Maris saucily tossed at me before flouncing away from the cafe table to prepare for her night out. Blushing, I watch her leave, then look at the front where Jonathan was wiping counters. He's been shorter than usual with me, obviously the flirting episode with Offic- I mean, Kevin, I mean Kells, hadn't escaped his notice the other day. Sigh. Don't worry Jonathan, I'm sure it meant nothing.

Maybe I'd go to the grocery. Yes.That's more my speed. Josh Morris; 26 and spending a wild Friday night at the grocery store picking out bananas and debating skim milk versus 2%

Someone shoot me. Or just drop the cats off now thanks.

*********

I meant it. I'm spending my Friday shopping for veggies and stuff. Ok so, probably more stuff than actual veggies. Though, I bet Officer Goodbody eats his veggies. Mmmmmm. Yes. Those thighs. Those shoulders. That golden freckled pillar of an arm.

I shake my head at my lust hazed daydream and hop out of my car heading into the local supermarket. After grabbing a cart, I look at the peaches on display, debating if I can remember to eat all of them this time before they rot, when I feel eyes on me, a tingle sending shivers across my shoulders. This is instantly followed by a voice that sends a lightning bolt down my spine. A deep voice that purrs directly behind me.

"Those peaches aren't half as pretty as you Josh."

Oh no. No. Please. I shut my eyes, mentally cataloguing what I'm wearing and how terrible I must look after a workday and cafe date with Maris, which means I hadn't gone home to change or freshen up. God was I never going to look put together for him? I turn around and feel my heartbeat grind to a stop.

It's Officer Kevin 'Goodbody' Kells of course. In gym clothes. Clothes being a very generous term for the nominal t shirt with slashed collar and split sides showing off every sharp muscled line of his chest and arms and a pair of too small to be legal dark blue running shorts. I swear I can see his dick outline. Oh god. His smile is so seductive.

"Hello." he tips his head to the side as he greets me, lazy smile starting on those perfect lips.

I swallow nervously, feeling overwhelmed and a little drunk. I open my mouth to say hi but nothing comes out. I suck in breaths like I'm going to asphyxiate.

"Hi."

I squeal out in a register close to being able to signal every stray dog in the tri-state area. I clear my throat which allows a more natural and less dolphinesque pitch and ask

"What are you doing here?"

"Checking out the merchandise."

He smirks, with those molten steel eyes.

Oh. What I want to quip back is there's a sale on dorky awkward gay university employees. Then we smash into each other and those arms would crush me against him as I rub myself on his golden column of a body like the friction was my only salvation. In reality though, I just stare at him and feel my control vacate the premises. I dumbly look back at him, unable to form anything resembling coherency, but feel sure he can read me like a book.

He laughs a throaty chuckle which does nothing to bring me back from the edge. His eyes travel down my body and the lower they go the faster I begin to realize my rumpled work slacks are housing very obvious evidence that this merchandise is ready to leap off the shelf and into his bed. I peek down at the world's smallest running shorts and holy of holies Officer Goodbody is in danger of an indecent exposure citation. My mind flies into overdrive and kickstarts my tongue.

"Oh Fuck yes...l want..."

I breathe. Gasping I snap my eyes back to his face. His hand comes up close between us and it's too much. I'm shattering. Pieces of me are about to explode all over the peaches, Officer Goodbody, Linda who's looking suspiciously at the pineapples, and the pimply clerk sullenly stocking the salad bar. I can't handle it. This can't be real.

I bolt. Groceries be damned. I hear his voice sliding like velvet over the distance as I exit the store with my rapidly dampening pants and the shreds of my dignity.

"So Josh, I'll see you around?"

Had I turned, then I would have seen his self satisfied grin. But I'm halfway to my car already.

I sit in my driveway. I've not one memory of the drive home. My heart is still galloping and I'm yelling at my steering wheel.

"You. Are. So. Stupid. Arrrrghh!"

I punctuate this with a slap to the dashboard. What on earth was wrong with me. As unbelievable as this entire farce might be, I had the opportunity to give him my number, be bold and instead I freaked out like a child and threw away my chance. God, I deserved to live alone with 4 cats. Lonely loser, party of one right here.

Saturday morning I was up with the sun. I went for my customary jog, which was a laughably slow pace akin to a fast walk, but since I hated the gym it would meet my fitness needs enough to not become too doughy.

Getting home I shower and do housework and by ten a.m. there isn't anything left to take my mind off the bizarre happenings of this week. I haven't called Maris about the intense exchange by the peaches. I dread the thought of disappointing her. I disappointed myself. I flop onto my sofa with an ache in my chest. All my moaning and weeping over being single and overlooked, but the minute someone expresses interest I sabotage myself and scurry off with my tail tucked between my legs. Scared to be alone forever, but too scared to make a move. I drop my head into my hands; trying to think of what to do.

Move on. I can't dwell on mistakes. But maybe I should use this as a sign that I need to get more confidence. I need to start figuring out what I want and going for it. After all, rejection can hardly hurt worse than this, the knowledge that I can't even handle flirting and might enter my 30's in a few short years without ever being touched again. And with that soul crushing thought, I know what I'm doing today.

I'm going to buy some confidence.