Cate's Struggles

"Yes, I would like to—Cate," she again caught her near mistake.

Was it enough time for her to see what I had hoped she'd see? I didn't know, but I needed Haley and I nearly had to admonish myself for my personal greed, but something told me that Haley was ready, that she could now choose how she wanted to be with me, for I wanted her with me forever.

"Pajamas okay?" I asked.

"If you wish," she agreed.

Extending my arm out, she snuggled into me happily, her top arm cautiously not near my other breast, she sighed deeply, and often.

We talked for longer than I had anticipated, and as she talked, I sensed myself seeing a benefit for her to continue thinking without my giving her of my love, much to my pussy's chagrin. We weren't quite the same as when I was with Lanie. Haley was much different in a major way, her person that had been inculcated with submissiveness as an ideal by a person she greatly admired and loved, her mother, and most likely right from the cradle.

"Thank you. Please continue to explore those thoughts," I told her, but vowed to suffer in silence and keep her in bed with me as we were.

We slept together until it was Friday. Haley was content in sleeping in the same bed with me, but soon enough she would campaign for more. Her satisfaction couldn't continue as it was forever—nor could mine.

* * * *

"I've so loved sleeping with you," Haley said after we woke up on Friday, her usual routine broken.

"It was nice," I said, still not willing to commit everything.

She hesitated getting up though by now she'd already have our coffee ready. Beating her to pee, I washed, and went to make our coffee. Haley tried to make a face at my doing that, but it turned into a smile of sorts. I had done the same the morning before. We had our usual routine of doing our exercises, particularly on the bag for Haley, then showering and relaxing with a book, and finally talking about whatever came to her mind. She was searching, but I couldn't say what she was searching for, or why, but her mind was being pricked by something.

* * * *

When the evening rolled around, we went to the club, joining the group Haley had come to love dearly. While there, two different couples seemed to be in competition with each other. One of the couples was the one I had seen previously who masturbated on their partner's thigh while they danced. They, and the other couple did that at the same time, thus they seemed to be competing. When it was over, they had everyone hot for sex, but for themselves, they laughed, and hugged each other, but still, it was easy to see that they had sexed themselves up too.

"Wow! That was hot," Ariel said after the applause died down some.

"It was," Eleanore agreed. "Too hot, maybe."

We all laughed as Eleanore made a face, then the others followed, making faces of their own.

The conversation, or conversations, I should say, then went into the usual for the group, Haley taking part and enjoying it all. That, I thought, was something she'd never done before as far as I knew. The group was working wonders in her.

When we returned home, and were in bed, she quietly snuggled into me, kissing my breast lightly through the pajamas I was not truly used to wearing.

"I had a good time," she said quietly.

"You did seem to enjoy it, but you always do with them."

"They're a wonderful group. I wish I had met them years ago. It bothers me that I never had any friends, especially not anything like them before, but back then I didn't think of it as I do now. It was something I had no idea about. I did see other girls talking with themselves, but only at school, and I did envy them at the time, but afterwards, it was home again, and what I was used to. What I was used to now strikes me as strange somehow. Oh, well, it was nice tonight," she ended it.

"Ready for sleep now?"

"I think so. Thank you, and good night."

"Good night," I said, and bent to kiss her head.

Chapter 20

Once again, I beat her in getting up, and in making the coffee. When she walked into the kitchen, there was no face, no smile, only her reaching to give my cheek a quick kiss.

"You make good coffee," she conceded.

"Glad you like it."

We sipped in silence; Haley seemed at peace with herself at the start, but then her face turned pensive. Not saying a word, I watched her as I tried to hide the fact that I was watching her. Something was roiling in her, but nothing horrible from what I could tell

"Cate," she finally spoke, "can we talk for a while?"

"Sure. Anything in particular?"

"Uh-huh! Some thoughts have been pushing at me, coming up in my mind. They're kind of all different, but somehow I think that they're connected, but when I try to figure them out, I can't put them together as they seem to need to be. Somehow something in me is thinking for me, I think," she said, and grinned with a mild reddening of her face. "That's silly, huh?"

"Not at all, but you make it seem so," I smiled rather hugely. "Maybe talking about them, putting them out there where you can see them outside of yourself will help you put them together."

"Yeah, that's what I'm hoping. Anyway, you remember us reading in those papers that Ariel said were from that lady, Liv, who taught those bible classes?"

"Yes I do. Liv was one sharp gal."

"She was. I do wish she was alive; I'd have liked to have met her."

"I know what you mean, I would have too, but why do you mention her?"

"There was something she said, about belonging. She said she read a book about it, and that the author said something about belonging was mattering to someone who mattered to you, or who matters to you. Did I remember it right? I'm not sure."

"I believe you're right. Go on."

"Well, I was also feeling how the group mattered to me, and how nice it was that I mattered to them, and that I did seem to belong with them. Cate, I never had that. It struck me as funny. Then my mind turned to my mother. I thought I mattered to her, but then I wondered if I really did. It's funny, but I think I did, but not really. Then I thought that she mattered to me, but I also wondered if I knew why. She was strange, now that I look back at her, and I wasn't really like her, but somehow I wanted to be like her. Was it because it was all I knew, because I'd never known anything like the group as I do now?"

"And...?" I pushed her.

"I'm not sure. Anyway, I woke up this morning, and I had an odd feeling, but I didn't know it until a moment ago. I liked how we were, how you've let me be these last few nights. I've enjoyed being with you like that. I loved it, yes, but I woke up knowing I enjoyed it, not that I particularly loved it, though I did—I do. It's trying to come to me; how that all fits. I can feel it's almost there, but I'm still having a hard time seeing it for sure."

"Our minds are curious things. We have them, as well as thoughts, but we have no idea what the process is of thoughts forming, nor what mind really is. Let it work in you, let the thoughts come as they will, and in due time—I suppose when your mind thinks you're ready—it'll all make sense to you."

"Think so? I hope you're right. But I did feel that I've enjoyed sleeping with you, being together like that."

We worked out, then rested, but she had to talk again.

"Why am I now seeing things I didn't see before—like how I'm not truly as my mother is?"

"You've never really been exposed to others being in your life, but it's far more than that, Haley. All creatures are born with instincts, and one of ours is that we compare, and sometimes more so with others who are close to us. That's probably because we consciously think. Most people will compare themselves to others, very few don't, or don't nearly as much as most. From what you've told me, all of your life was basically an at home life. Now, look back, and see if that's true or not."

She thought for a while, then looked at me quizzically. "I think you're right. Others didn't have much to do with me, and honestly, I was so used to going right home that I never mixed with any as I do now with the group. Even after I left home, I didn't mix with others; I was too afraid, I think, or sensed I wanted to be with women that I knew were lesbians. And for a long time, I couldn't even think about going to a club, or look to see if there was one because I was too young. Maybe I should say that I was young and very inexperienced, or just very ignorant. Now that I say all that, I think it is true."

Her mind was working overtime, wondering about herself, what she was, how she was, and why.

"Honey, you look at yourself with great honesty, or you try very hard to not deceive yourself. That's one of the best things you can do to find all of your answers about yourself. Most people won't look at themselves as honestly as you are. Don't be surprised by what you seem to be telling yourself. Most of us have followed as our parents have taught us whether they meant to teach us or not. Also, that belonging you mentioned, it influences us particularly from how we want to be with others we admire. Those we want to be like influence us, and we pick up a lot of their habits, their ways of being and talking, and so does being with others whether we truly like them or not if we are a part of their group. In your case, it seems your mother was the one who mostly shaped how your are, how you thought, how you acted. But what you wanted, and how you're honestly trying to get it are doing much to reshape you as you truly want to be. Does that make sense to you?"

"I think so, but I think that I have to think about it. You make me think a lot," she said seriously as a minor complaint, but then smiled.

She decided to work out again; concentrating on the body bag seemed to do much to help her deal with whatever questions were on her mind. Leaving her to work out, I cleaned on the house while she couldn't see me lest she quit and feel that she had to help me.

Both of us fixed our dinner, cleaned up, then after brushing our teeth, we sat to talk again. Frankly, I loved talking to her, watching the machinations of her mind, how she was growing.

"Cate, I think I understand what you told me about being submissive or not. My mother was submissive to an extreme, I think—then again, maybe not—but I think I liked the idea only because she taught me to like it by being the only person in my life that I was close to and listened to. Now I think that I like how Ariel, Caryn, and Paula are, and as Anise seems to be too. Their lives are so rich, so happy with how they are."

"The choice is up to you how you will be, or want to be, but it is nice to see all of your options and pick the one you feel best about."

"Yes, I think you're right. Having a choice isn't a bad thing, is it?" she smiled as if amused with herself.

When we were in bed, she started talking again. Her need to understand was pushing at her, prodding her relentlessly.

"Cate," she started easily, no hesitancy in using my name, "do you mind my talking so much, my need to try to figure all of this out?"

"No, I don't. It's something you need, something you're working very hard at understanding. I've been there, and know what you're going through. When you need it, if I can, I want to help you, want you to succeed."

"Thank you, that's kind of you. You were lucky to have found someone like Lanie. I do wish I had known her."

"If she were alive, I know she would have been thrilled at the prospect of knowing you."

"Do you really think so, Cate?"

"I know so. Well, at least I'm more than pretty sure she would have. We can't possibly know everything about someone, now can we?" She had to know by the way I said that that I had a smile on my face.

"I don't think I want to be a submissive, Cate. Is that okay?"

"If you wish. If you understand it's benefits to you, as well as it's problems, and the same of whatever your other options are, and it's your choice, then yes, I approve, but yours is the only approval that's needed."

"But what if you don't love me anyway?"

"Would it matter to what you truly wanted that something like the love of another would make such a difference? Would it keep you from wanting to not be submissive?"

"It might, but I guess not, it's just not what I want anyway, but if it will help I'll try to be one."

"Help what?"

"You to love me. That's what I really want, and that's why I said I would do it—be submissive—if it will make you love me."

"No, it won't help," I said. "You know what though, we didn't take our shower and these sheets have just been changed. Shame on us," I said, getting out of bed.

Chapter 21

Haley did too, and looked confused. "Well, aren't you going to take your pajamas off?" I asked as I was taking mine off.

She took hers off, and as she did, looked at me and gulped, staring at the view I was purposely giving her. I had my back and my backside showing to her, then turned my head back as if to look at her for some reason or other. What I was doing was intentionally letting her see my tits in their fullness to make them as erotic to her as possible as I made as if wiping at something on a foot.

"Come on," I said.

"With y—?" she started to ask, but I just nodded my head and then held my hand out to her.

She was confused, but that was okay, she'd not be in a few moments. Turning the water on so it was coming down mildly, and at just the right temperature, I let it wash over me, and moved aside for her to do the same as I reached for some shampoo. When she was all wet, I put the shampoo on her head, surprising her, and washing it thoroughly. She didn't resist, and I intentionally made sure not to touch her as best I could. When I finished with her, I handed her the bottle to do my hair. She liked that idea, and did so gladly.

Where I'd been careful not to touch her body, she tried to do the same, but on occasion, she brushed mine with those full and gorgeous tits of hers as well as other parts of her body. The electricity that shot through me had me in shivers that I found hard to control, but I worked hard at it, and didn't think she noticed. As I was rinsing my hair, I reached for the soap and a washcloth to beat her to it. She saw me, and did the same, but she had no idea what I meant to do.

"Turn your back to me and I'll wash it for you," I told her.

She turned, and I in fact did wash her back, but also her underarms as well as her arms and hands. That done, I wrapped my body around hers, and washed her shoulders in front, her breasts that were even sweeter to my touch than I had imagined, belly, then down to her pussy. Washing carefully, I opened her hood and washed her there, as well as her clitoris and more.

By this time, she was more than excited, more than shivering in expectation, and wet from more than just the water. I hung up the washcloth, and made as if washing with my bare hands and soap alone. When I re-washed her clit, she shivered again, but if she didn't have an orgasm, she was close to one.

"I love you, and have for some time, but I wanted you to know yourself, and to love yourself as you truly wanted yourself to be. Now hush and enjoy my love of you," I said, and let the water take the soap off of her. As the soap disappeared, my lips became active where the soap was cleared, and my hands helped by caressing her freshly rinsed body.

Turning her around, I began kissing her again, her lips, fully, firmly, and with all the love I had been denying to both of us until this very moment. My hands finally knew the joy of feeling her breasts and lightly tweaking her nipples bringing small groans of pleasure from her. Feeling her surrender her body was just as electric to me as touching her was.

My hand going around her, then quickly finding her cheeks, I held her tightly to me, then kissed my way down, staying long on her neck that loved how my lips felt there, then to her breasts that were very sensitive to my hands and lips, but oh, how her nipples loved me suckling them.

"Cate...Cate," she whispered lovingly as I loved her on her nipples.

Kissing my way down her tummy, I couldn't wait until her pussy was at my lips and wanting me to kiss it. When I did, she groaned loudly, her hands became spastic, but finally settling on my hair and head. Parting her hairs, I had to have her. Pushing lightly at the back of one thigh, she lifted that leg up giving me full access to her flowing love.

It had been so long for me, and I relished Haley's love of me, relished giving her what she'd been wanting from me. My reward was so beautiful, so rich and plentiful, but she was becoming too excited, and I decided to help her end it—this time. My lips sought and found her clitoris and brought her to as sweet and lovely an orgasm as I could, fully intending to give her many more shortly.

Up, and kissing her lips and face again as she worked to catch her breath, I held her hard to me, and gave my hands and fingers freedom to explore her as they wished, as they could find of her.

"Cate, Cate, I love you. That was so beautiful. I've dreamed of you loving me, but not like this. This was even better—so different," she went on as fast as she could.

"I loved it too, but the bad news is that we have to finish washing now," I said with a smile that I quickly smothered on her lips again.

We did finish washing, or she had since I'd washed much of her already. It shouldn't have surprised me that she kindly returned the favor of washing my back, but silly me, I didn't stop to think that she'd do with me as I had done with her. One of the best things about it was that she loved my shaved pussy, her hands staying on it way too long.

"God, Cate, you feel so good. I wish I had been like this for you too," she said as her hands took more liberties on it, caressing it for the longest time as she moaned in pleasure.

But then it was down to the serious stuff for her. When she was finally at my pussy, I lifted my leg up and put it against the opposite wall, making sure I was spread for her. It was glorious!

Her lips loved me tenderly, slowly, careful to find out all she could about my pussy, and drank lustily as I poured out for her all that had been in me awaiting someone to love too. Haley was my love, and I knew it, and wanted her to have all I could give to her, and she was taking it, giving me so many joyous moments of rich sensations that I was dearly loving. Too dearly. The little witch instinctively found how to take my mound and clit at the same time, and bring me to an outburst of shattering love that had my pussy quaking like mad, my thighs quivering so much so that I was afraid I would topple over. She sensed it, and propped me up with a hand on one of my cheeks.

She was breathing as hard as I was, as hard as she had been when she'd had her orgasm. My hands on her head, I couldn't speak. She could.

"My god, I had no idea I'd love eating your pussy so much. Cate, I want it again. Can I, Cate? Please?"

"Yes, and I want you again too," I said slowly, my breath still not fully back to being as it should be.

Making sure I was finished washing, we dried ourselves, and stepped out.

"Can I shave too?" she asked uncertainly.

"That would be nice," I understated.

As Lanie had taught me to shave, so I taught Haley. She loved it, and her body now knowing its sweet release, she had another orgasm as I too playfully teased at her pussy and clit. When we were done, she loved how she felt, then looked at me with lust in her eyes. Had she truly known lust before? If she hadn't, she did now.

In bed, I had her sit on my face, something I had dearly missed, and remembered how love made it sweeter. Haley's sweetness was all I hoped for, and so was her response. And, I learned, she loved sex and the orgasms it brought. She jogged on my face for a long time, pressing herself into me each time she felt too many sensations all at the same time, At last, after she had too many sweet joy filled feelings, she fell over to also learn the joys of her afterglow.