Fucking Pinterest

"Meine Damen und Herren, Mesdames et Messieurs, Ladies And Gentlemen." Allow me to introduce the product of what happens when I keep looking at my own unfinished project. A short, superficial satire about human obsessions. I can think of few things more frightening. A late entry into this year's Halloween contest.

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There is nothing more frightening than my wife, Mackenzie Jane ('Kenzie' for short), looking at Pinterest. Don't laugh - I have seen messed up shit. I had 6 years in the National Guard, where I was dispatched to help after hurricanes, floods, and earthquakes and riots. I have another 8 years in the Corps, with three deployments overseas.

And while I'll admit that those "Snowflakes" with tear gas and knives hidden God-knows-where and the racists with their tiki torches might be intimidating en masse, nothing compares to the emotional rollercoaster than the entire household goes into when my sweet Kenzie gets an idea from Pinterest.

When we started dating ten years ago, it wasn't that bad. The first meal she cooked for me was this herbed pot roast that was the perfect medium rare with no grey ring. I'm a meat guy, and I had never had a piece of beef that didn't have that tough grey ring that happens when you sear something too long and then try to finish it at too high a temp. (Nothing kills this bull's erection like the temp being too hot for too long.) When I asked how she did it Kenzie said it was a recipe she saw on Pinterest and she also had two desserts that she got the ideas from the site.

That damn apple dumpling and ice cream was so good I said 'fuck the second' and proceeded to sit Kenzie onto the counter and start stroking her as soon as she closed the dishwasher. I gave her a second to turn the machine on and then proceeded to wrap her legs around my waist and carry her upstairs. I had other ideas about smoothing out the skin around my balls that didn't involve dishwasher steam.

After I pushed her back onto the bed Kenzie gave me the second dessert in the form of some 'entertaining' positions she said she also saw while browsing some sex "pins". I thought the names were appropriate. I'd happily pin her anytime after browsing those positions.

Everything Kenzie was making from these food "pins" in the months that followed was better than what I could do. I even ate some vegetable gratin thing and liked it. But she slowly started adding more food-based desserts and fewer after dinner positions. Sure, we would still be marathoning, but the number of new positions became fewer. I was still getting off so I didn't see the slide. At this point I was convinced I had the best woman in the world and we got married right before my first deployment.

We talked and Skyped as much as possible during those ten months. Since war is hell I would ask Kenzie to tell me what she was doing. She would tell me stories about her co-workers and the old church ladies. Kenzie also told me about these new "pins" she and the other wives were seeing and how she was so intrigued she would put them on her virtual board. It didn't seem too bad. I liked the idea of a cheap all purpose cleaner and blueberry muffins in the freezer waiting for me when I came home.

I wasn't prepared for the three bags of blueberry muffins. And the eight other home decor projects that were in various stages of creation. But we worked through it the first few weeks of my being home. I took a couple of her unfinished projects and after several hours of cursing at the lack of directions and how the hell did the "pin" pictures looked so perfect compared to reality I had something that wasn't terrible. The decoupage chair and pressed flower candle looked nice in the guest room. I also convinced her to organize some of her materials into the spare closet we had in the living room. We slowly got ourselves into a rhythm.

Since Halloween was a couple months after I got home she had found us this couple's costume. You can guess where. I wasn't the biggest fan of having to wear a hood shaped to look like a deer head, but her black dress with the yellow lines down the center from cleavage to hem made it worth it. That was one hell of a marathon when we got back from her sister's party. I stayed in character, rutting her underneath this thick blanket that she knit herself using just her arms. She said it was a chunky wool cable pattern. I thought it was a good covering for when I was naked on the couch.

At this point my wife was noticeable stressed with some of her unfinished projects and how they weren't "worthy" to post on the site, so she started spending more time looking for more instructions and at other people's boards to see if anyone had any tips. But she was still paying attention to my board, so I didn't think much of it. Looking back, I probably should have stopped her then. She started getting more excited about finishing a pin than getting herself off. I could guess where she found this technique, but there were a few blowjobs where I blacked out only to come to to an empty side of the bed. When I suggested tying her to the bed so we could sleep after fucking she gave me this look that could make a terrorist bolt, but acquiesced. Her frustrated, borderline angry sex was really hot.

Shortly after my second deployment we found out we were pregnant with our little girl. Our Skype sessions focused more on baby updates and planning for the birth in case I wasn't able to make it home in time. She mentioned that she wanted to start making small things for the baby and that she saw some cute hat patterns that would be easy to sew. I came home to a beautiful, healthy Annie Raye. And a closet full of baby clothes my wife had sewn. Most were simple looking patterns. Except there was a Christmas dress that she had been in the middle of making when her water broke. She listened to the doctor when she said no sex for six weeks. However the doctor didn't say anything about pins. I found Kenzie asleep at her sewing machine a couple times after Annie's nighttime feedings. She finished the dress eight weeks after giving birth, forgoing sex after her checkup in order to search for in her words 'just the right trim'. Kenzie booked us a family Christmas portrait for two weeks after , saying it would have been less stressful to have a professional take our pictures. I'll admit, we looked good. The dress Kenzie made for Annie was cute. And Kenzie did something new to cover up those dark circles that I knew she had from not sleeping. When we got home Annie was out like a light. However, before I could tell Kenzie to go to bed and rest she jumped me and we had a marathon like we hadn't been together in months. And by that time it had been almost a year.

Having Annie seemed to give Kenzie some calm. If I had to go for training a couple weeks I might only come back to one project Kenzie had started. When Annie started eating solid food, Kenzie abandoned most of her home decor ideas in favor of meal plans and coming up with the perfect homemade baby food recipes. She also made up these bottles with oil in them that had sticks poking up through. She called them 'reed diffusers' and said they had calming scents that would keep Annie sleeping through the night. We settled back into a healthy sex routine so I wasn't complaining.

Annie was almost two when I left for my third deployment. What was supposed to be six months turned into ten. When I called to tell Kenzie of the delay she seemed disappointed but said she might take the extra four months to try a couple "small" pins that she had her eye on.

I came home to a completely redone master bedroom and bathroom. There was also a mural in Annie's room that took up two walls. In her defense, Kenzie said each room was its own pin. She did a good job, but she looked so tired I put the kibosh on anything new for at least a month until she got back into a regular sleeping routine. I was serious, and I had no shame in taking those pins that Kenzie called 'Fails' and having a nice early summer bonfire, to hell with whatever crafting chemicals we were inhaling. We had a Pinterest house, but I was done having a cluttered Pinterest graveyard instead of open space for Annie to run around and explore.

A steady diet of sleep, sex, food, and time being Mom seemed to keep Kenzie occupied. Until Annie started preschool. Kenzie came out of pin-ing hibernation, and everything that Annie took to school was either a pin Kenzie saw or something that Kenzie considered "worthy" to put on her board. I took Annie to school a couple times and the other Moms were just as bad. I felt like I had slipped into the Twilight Zone, where kids were fashion models, or like these 3 ½ feet dolls that the Moms dressed and fed. If a child had a hair out of place a Mom would stop everything, pull out her five piece hairdressing kit, and that kid was not going into class until Mom was satisfied and had enough pictures of their "baby's outfit of the day."

I got into this only on the surface, since I would get a really hard blow or hand job when Annie was in an outfit that Kenzie approved of, and I put the "right" non-GMO, gluten free snacks in her little lunchbox. But the routine soon got old, and as good as Kenzie is, blow jobs are not a replacement for real sex. I couldn't remember the last time I was actually in my wife, and judging by her frustration and fixation on her current pin she hadn't had a good release in months.

Trying to broach the topic of sex with a woman isn't easy to begin with. With Kenzie it had become damn near impossible. I looked for opportunities every night that week, but Kenzie continued to shut me down. By Friday, I had it. I put Annie to bed and as soon as she was out, I went right to Kenzie's sewing room. Yes, we had to convert an extra bedroom to hold all of Kenzie's craft and pinning supplies. Her task light was on, and she was looking over these fabric pieces on the table. Annie's first preschool Halloween parade was in two weeks. Kenzie had been obsessing over her costume (and then what we would wear as a couple to coordinate with the theme) for the last three weeks. Her hands were running through her hair and she looked like she was losing confidence in this made-up battle of the Moms for the perfect kid's costume.

I didn't want to wake Annie so throwing open the door wasn't an option. Instead I took my sergeant approach and walked into the room right behind Kenzie. "Private," I said "You have not been following orders." Kenzie turned and looked at me like I wasn't being serious, telling me "Ray honey, stop it. I haven't done anything and I need to finish Annie's costume so I can start ours. When I am done here we'll go to bed and I'll take care of you."

"Private" I continued, "I am done with you and this 'being taken care of' bullshit. You had orders to do no more than three new Pins at a time and I counted five just on my way in here. Now turn around, assume the position, and keep it quiet before I take this project and use it as kindling."

I didn't give her time to respond. Instead I grabbed her waist and turned her around. I spread her arms on the table and pushed her back down so that her ass was up against my groin. Reaching around, I undid her pants and slid them down to her ankles. "Now Private" I continued, "You are getting two swats for each pin you are currently working on. You are to count each one out loud, but you cannot wake anyone else in the house."

Smack ... "One." she replied, slightly stunned that I had the nerve to enter her space and call her out on the number of projects she was doing.

Another open palm landed on her left cheek. "Two" she breathed out.

Right cheek "Three"

Left cheek "Four"...

I paused after she whimpered "ten" allowing her to think for a second that I didn't know about those other ten pins in the shed out back and in the basement. If she thought I hadn't found those projects, she was in for a rude awakening.

I then rained another twenty swats on her plump, pink ass. It was red and raw by the time I was done and Kenzie was panting. I reached in between her legs to feel a good pool of moisture had started to build. I inserted three fingers quickly, hearing Kenzie start to moan. "We're only getting started Private," I spoke low in her ear "You are going to abandon this project and walk out of this room and into our bathroom. There is a bottle of KY in the drawer by the sink. You're assignment is to prepare yourself good in both holes and get yourself on the bed, ass up. I am going to lock the door to this room and you are not getting a key until I finish my pin."

She gingerly stood, and with a low "Yes Sir" exited the room as quickly as her wobbly legs could carry her.