Gains and Losses

My dating life in college was a disaster. I don't know why I thought it would be better than it was in high school, but the hope of college can blind you to reality. I was never the athlete or preppy guy. At 5'8", half the girls wouldn't talk to me because I wasn't at least 6 feet tall. I was always more into intellectual activities than sports or athletics. I thought more girls would find that an attractive feature in college, but through my freshman year, that proved to not be true.

My foster home and childhood friend Eric didn't have the same issues. At 6'3" and a naturally athletic guy, girls flocked to him. To be honest, Eric could be a bit of a jerk, but that didn't stop the girls from giving him a chance. As such, his relationships didn't last long which was fine with him. Once he "bagged" a girl - as he called it - he was usually ready to move on anyways.

During our second year in school, we were at a local frat house party when I saw her. She was easily one of the prettiest girls I had seen, but not in a super model way - more of a girl next door look. She was probably about my height and had long, wavy blonde hair that reached below her shoulder blades. Her eyes were blue and mesmerizing. She had soft, beautiful lightly tanned skin and an infectious smile. She was slim, but had curves. I heard her laughing from across the house, and the sound of her voice sent shivers up my spine.

I worked up the nerve to talk to her and walked over to where she was standing.

"Comp Sci, how 'bout you?" I said to her, trying to act nonchalant as my heart pounded in my chest.

"I'm sorry?" she responded, a confused look on her face.

"I'm a comp sci major, what about you?" I repeated, thinking I was crashing and burning.

"Oh, no kidding. Me too! My name is Denna," she replied with a big smile on her face, her right hand extended.

My racing heart couldn't believe she had just smiled at me. Nervously, I responded, "Seth. My name is Seth."

Denna. What a beautiful name to go with such a beautiful girl.

We spoke for a few minutes. I found out she was a first year comp sci student, and she was taking her very first major-specific course this semester. I told her about my experience in the program so far, and even offered to help her out with studying if she needed. She jumped at the offer, and I finally felt like I may have met someone. Denna also told me she was supposed to meet someone here that a friend of hers was hooking her up with. That was the moment reality jumped in and punched me square in the face.

Eric walked up after Denna and I had been talking for a few minutes, saying, "Are you Denna?"

Oh god. Was Eric the person she was supposed to be meeting up with?

"Oh, are you Eric?" she responded enthusiastically. My heart sunk.

"Yeah, wow - you're prettier than Sam gave you credit for," Eric said in his sly style.

I watched as Denna blushed and batted her eyelashes at Eric. My heart shriveled up and died inside of my chest. That suave son of a bitch. Not this one you selfish bastard.

"I see you've met my friend Seth. He's one of those comp sci nerds," Eric said in a non-flattering tone.

"Yeah, Seth just offered to help me with my first comp sci classes," Denna said, not even fazed by Eric's negative tone towards her major.

"So, you wanna go get something to eat? I'm starving and the crap at this party is awful," Eric said, as I felt my significance dwindle to nothing.

"That sounds great! Maybe Seth can come along?" I heard Denna say.

"Sure thing. He can even pay for it, he's such a good guy," Eric said, making a joke that he fully expected me to follow-through on.

I did, of course. Eric was the hunk and I was the nice guy that everyone could count on. It was the story of my life so far, and I just accepted it for what it was. Denna was clearly out of my league, and I should have known better.

As expected, Eric and Denna started dating. Even worse, she and I became "friends" as well. Good ones at that. Don't get me wrong, I was glad to have her in my life but I had let myself believe I had a shot at her.

Over the next few weeks, Denna became a regular fixture in my life. Whether she was hanging out with Eric or over to study with me, I saw her pretty much every day. Even though I was clearly in the friend-zone, we became close in a quick amount of time.

She and I both had a love for computers and computer games. We were both studying computer science and loved our major. We would talk computer specs, dream about our "ultimate rig" and talk about anything technology related. She was incredibly intelligent and had a wicked sense of humor. Our conversations were effortless, though they almost always ended with "you're such a good friend." Ugh.

While she was keeping me in the friend zone, I was quickly falling for her. Hard.

Eric, in the meantime, made sure to make fun of our "nerdy" activities. She and Eric had very little in common, but she stayed with him anyways. He often reminded me that he would be the one to "fuck her brains out" whenever she finally decided to give in. I already hated the way Eric treated women, but now it was really hitting home. He didn't deserve Denna and the thought of him being with her made me angry and depressed. I only stayed close to Eric so that I could stay close to Denna.

As the weeks progressed, Denna and I became closer. I could tell she was growing weary of Eric's treatment of us, and me in particular. They argued periodically, though he'd always make up with her and set things right for a short period of time. I never pressed matters, though I desperately wanted to ask her why she put up with him.

After about two months, I could tell that Eric was growing frustrated as well. He and Denna kissed, but didn't do much else and he wasn't happy with that. He had shared with me that he intended to press matters with her, because - in his words - if he didn't get some soon, he was gonna dump that nerdy bitch.

I wanted to kill him.

The Turning Point

=======================

It all began on a Sunday evening, about 2 months after Denna and Eric first started dating. Denna and Eric were watching a movie in the shared living room of the connected dorm Eric and I shared. I was in my room with my headphones lodged deep in my ears to drown out the sounds of Eric and Denna kissing. It was a regular routine for me, actually. Retreat to my room, insert headphones, wish Eric would burst into flames. Rinse and repeat.

This evening was different, though. I was in my room for about 30 minutes before I heard the commotion. The sound in my ears was interrupted by shouting in the room next to me. I took off my headphones and realized that Eric was screaming at Denna.

"...you fucking piece of shit! I'm gonna fuck you up!" Eric yelled, in an enraged and uncontrollable tone.

At that moment I heard a loud pop of a noise. I leapt to my feet and swung open my door in time to see Denna laying on the floor, bleeding from the nose and lip with a large, red mark on her face.

Eric had punched her.

"Eric! What the fuck are you doing!" I yelled at him, realizing he was getting ready to strike her again.

"Stay the fuck out of this you little shit," he shot back at me, moving closer to Denna who was in tears on the ground.

My heart raced. He had a look of uncontrollable rage in his eyes and I knew he was about to savagely beat her. Eric could destroy me easily, but there was no way in hell he was going to touch Denna again. Not if I could help it.

I ran over to where she was and stood between Eric and Denna.

"No! Seth, he'll kill you! Get out of his way," I heard Denna yell out.

"Eric, you need to calm down man. You're not thinking straight," I said as calmly as I could, trying to keep him at bay. The words barely came out, though, as the adrenaline in my body was running at a fever pitch.

"Get out of my way, Seth or I will fuck you up too," he responded, the rage still boiling over.

"No. You're going to have to kill me if you want to get to her," I responded, not even fully realizing what I had said.

Those were the last words I said before he struck me. Eric threw a punch that I tried to guard against, but with little effect. His clenched fist cracked against the side of my head, instantly dizzying me and sending me to my knees. My vision went blurry and I realized I was not going to keep conscious for much longer.

Suddenly, I felt my chest explode in pain. Eric had planted a kick square against my sternum, knocking the breath clear out of me. The pain was so intense, I felt my body begin to freeze up in response.

Through my blurred vision, I saw Denna lying on the ground next to me, sobbing as she watched Eric pummel me. I knew that as soon as I passed out, he'd come for her. I didn't know what else to do, so I did the only thing I could: I crawled over to Denna and covered her as much as possible with my body.

"Oh god! Seth no no no no no, oh god no don't do this!" she screamed hysterically.

As I wrapped my arms around her, I felt Eric's heavy boot slam down on my back. The cracking noise coincided with another rush of hot pain. My mind was beginning to fade, but all I could think about was covering my Denna.

Crack. Another stomp followed by a flood of white hot pain all through me. I could barely breathe, and my eyes forsook me when they relented and closed shut, allowing me to drift into the darkness.

Waking up

-----------

My next memory was disorienting. I remember the smell of stale air, of foreign sounds going off all around me, and of various voices talking in the distance. As my vision cleared from a heavy fog, I remembered seeing Denna's beautiful face to my left. As I looked around to gain my footing, I realized I was in a bed and she was sitting by the side of it.

I was in a hospital.

Denna jumped up when her eyes met mine, and she quickly darted out of the room. She came back with some nurses who began tending to me. It was a bit confusing, until one of the nurses stepped forward to ask me some questions.

"Hey there, hon. Just to clear up any confusion, you are in the hospital right now. You were in a fight and have suffered some injuries. You're going to be ok," the nurse said to me in a deep, southern drawl.

"Denna?" was all I responded with.

"I'm here Seth. The nurses just want to make sure you're ok, but I'm here. I'm not leaving," Denna said from the back of the room.

"Ok Seth, we're going to have you do some exercises, ok?" the same nurse instructed me.

For the next few minutes, I was asked to wiggle my toes and move my fingers. Thankfully, when asked, I was able to move all of my body parts sufficiently. Concerns over paralysis were thankfully stymied. Before long, the nurses were joined by a Doctor who proceeded to explain the extent of my injuries.

"Seth, I'll be honest - you're lucky you're even conscious right now. The beating you took was brutal. You have 8 cracked ribs, a fractured collarbone and you suffered a grade 3 concussion. You have extensive bruising and suffered some internal bleeding. You've been in a coma for the past 2 days as well," the Doctor explained to me in a monotone manner.

As he explained all of this to me, I could hear sniffling in the background. Denna was softly crying as she heard the Doctor rattle off the list.

Before long, the nurses and doctor left the room. Denna made her way back to my side.

"Are you ok, Denna?" I asked her, her eyes red and puffy. She still had significant bruises on her face from where Eric had struck her, along with a few stitches.

"I'll be ok. I still can't believe you did that, Seth. You didn't need to do that for me," she said softly, through muted tears.

"I'd do it again," was all I could think to respond with.

Denna smiled at those words. She stood up from the chair, leaned over the bed and placed a kiss on my forehead.

"I don't deserve you. You're too good to me," she said, before her tears began to wet my face.

"Are you serious? I can't imagine my life without you," I responded, before asking, "What happened Denna? I don't remember too much."

"Well, not long after you passed out some other students kicked the door in and helped subdue Eric until the cops arrived. They got there in the nick of time. The police weren't far behind either. As far as I know, he's still in jail right now," she started.

Tears began to fill her eyes as she continued, "You were so lifeless. I thought he killed you. Oh god, Seth, I thought I had lost you. When they lifted you off of me, your body was so limp. You didn't respond and you barely had a pulse. And ..."

Denna paused for a moment as the tears and emotion swept over her.

"I would have died if I had lost you. You have no idea what you mean to me," she said, her eyes streaming a river of tears.

"Man, you sure do take your study partners seriously," I responded in an effort to lighten her mood. It worked.

She laughed at the words and her mood began to lighten. She added, "You're so much more than that and you know it."

"Denna, why was Eric so enraged, though? I've never seen him like that before," I asked her after a few minutes of idle banter.

"We can talk about that later. For now, I want to focus on you and getting you out of here. After all, I need my study partner back," Denna replied playfully.

I laughed, which surprisingly hurt a good bit. It didn't matter, though, as I found myself closer to Denna than ever before.

My time in the hospital seemed to fly by, as Denna was at my side as much as they would allow. She was missing classes to be by my side, insisting that she would be able to make up for the missed classes later. After several days, I was issued my walking papers.

Denna was there for me every step of the way. She helped me get back to my dorm and get settled back in. The blood stains were still on the carpet in the living room when we walked in for the first time since the incident.

"Oh wow. I thought they would clean it up by now. I'm sorry Seth," Denna said to me as we both stared at the stained carpet - a sign of the severe beating I had taken.

She grabbed my arm and pulled me in tight as we just stood there and took it in. Unexpectedly, Denna placed a gentle kiss on my cheek and whispered into my ear, "my hero."

As we stood there I realized that what I had told Denna earlier - that I would have done it again - was completely true. More so, I knew that Denna knew it as well.

Revelations

----------

Denna and I became inseparable. We had always enjoyed hanging out, but this was clearly turning into something more. My greatest hopes were coming true, and all it took was getting nearly beat to death. Totally worth it.

That said, the blissful happiness would only last so long, as the truth has a way of disrupting dreams and bringing you back to painful reality.

Over the next several days, the images of Eric losing his mind ran through my head. He could be a giant asshole, but I had never seen him like that. What was it that sent him over the edge? It was haunting me, and Denna never volunteered the information. After about a week, enough time had passed that I felt compelled to know the answer. If Denna and I were going to move forward, I really needed to know.

On a rainy Saturday morning, Denna came by the dorm to hang out - as usual. I decided it was time to talk about the incident.

"Hey Denna, I really need to get something off my chest," I started.

"Oh, ok Seth. You know I'm here for you," she answered.

"I...the image of Eric beating you and being so enraged has been haunting me. I've known him for a long time and he was always an arrogant asshole, but I had never seen him mad like that. What happened?" I asked her in a soft voice.

She sat there in silence for a moment and I could tell she was upset. More than anything, I wanted to walk over and console her, but I couldn't do it. I needed to know, so I stayed in my chair silently waiting for an answer.

After a minute, Denna began talking as tears slowly filled her eyes.

"I need you to promise me you won't hate me," she said softly.

"God, Denna, you know that I can't hate you," I responded, trying to sound reassuring.

"No, Seth. What I'm about to tell you will probably upset you. I just can't bear the thought of losing you. You're my closest friend and ..."

The tears were flowing more freely now. I sat silently, waiting for her to gain her composure.

She continued, "There's something I haven't told you about myself. It's what I told Eric that night. I know I should have said something so long ago, but you have no idea how hard it is. I just want to be seen for who I am, but this always gets in the way."

I could tell that she was near devastation and my heart was breaking for her. Tears started to fill my eyes as well.

"Oh god, Seth. Please, please don't hate me," Denna said, before finally coming clean.

"I wasn't born female, Seth. I'm a transsexual," she said softly, through a flood of tears.

I stood up in shock. I looked down at her, and she had drawn back in absolute terror. She must have thought I was going to strike her like Eric did. I moved away from her so that she wouldn't feel threatened, but also to clear my own head.

It all made sense. Eric was very homophobic, and a revelation of this nature would definitely have set him off. He probably felt betrayed and confused, not that it excused the violence.

"Seth?" I heard Denna say through her steady stream of tears.

My mind was racing. I didn't know how to feel. I was utterly confused and I couldn't find the words. I moved next to the window and stared out of it for a thousand eternities.

"Seth, will you say something? Please?" Denna begged of me.

I was frozen. I couldn't find the words and even though I knew it was torturing her, the confusion in my mind was too much for me to set aside. The words that came out next were indicative of that.

"Please leave," I said to her in a quiet, monotone voice.

Her tears exploded in that moment. I heard her jump up from her chair and race for the door. In an instant she was gone.

I don't remember how long I stood there, but morning turned to day and day turned into night before my head began to clear. My mind was a mess that day, flooded with confusion and anger and sadness. I could not stop thinking about Denna and what she had told me. Her tears were like daggers that were still piercing me. I knew I had hurt her, but my mind simply couldn't process what I had learned.

I wasn't homophobic at all, but I knew I wasn't gay either. Yet, I still felt so attracted to Denna. She was perfect in every way.

My mind raced through memories of being with Denna. I recalled the way she would snort when she got to laughing hard, and how she'd always cover her mouth with her hand as her eyes popped open wide. My mind reminded me of how she'd poke out her tongue playfully in the middle of our studying sessions together, which always got me to laugh.

Over and over, I kept thinking about her. The way her smile formed little dimples and the softness of her hair. The gentleness of her touch and how she always seemed to have a smile ready for you, no matter what the situation.

My mind reminded me of the first time I saw her, and how my heart leapt. I cringed at my awkward attempt to start a conversation with her, but how it ultimately worked. I remembered watching her with Eric and stealing the occasional glance from her, as if we both had a longing we couldn't admit to.

The more my mind raced, the more I realized I was completely in love with her. The confusion over her gender and what it meant about me seemed more and more distant. As my mind cleared, panic began to set in.

What had I done? In the midst of my confusion, I had chased her off. God knows what she was thinking or doing. I was struck with terror as I remembered statistics about the suicide rates of gay and transgendered people. It was dark outside, but I had to find her. My mind began torturing me with thoughts of Denna hurting herself or doing something stupid.