Girl

"Will you stay?" Tyler asks reaching forward, barely touching the fabric of his friend James' soft sea green sweater, as if the wool were made of glass.

"I-I-have to go do something," James stammers, mumbling and walking quickly out the door without looking back. Tyler watches the door close, with the word, "please," still lodged in his throat.

Tyler sits alone on the too soft hotel bed, finding strength in the act of asking, in his expression of his desire. He's surprised he's not huddled under the stack of differently calibrated hotel pillows in agonizing insecurity.

He lies down and drifts into a dreamless sleep. The gentle double vibration of his phone wakes him and he fumbles around with the passcode, straining in the dark to read a text from James:

"Sorry I ran off, had to make a call."

Tyler lies back down, disappointed and angry. He knows James is lying but he doesn't understand why. The double vibration nudges him to read James' next text; the one that will make him forget he felt rejected:

"You still up?"

For a brief moment Tyler thinks of ignoring the message. The text is crafted with half truth and only a provocation of interest. His lingering insecurities drive his coldness. But the resistance is brief. Tyler replies in two short messages:

"It's ok."

"I am."

Silence. Then a lingering speech bubble of "..." that seems to last forever.

Tyler feels a momentum from the courage he's exerted so far, he continues cautiously,

"You?"

More "..." and then after five minutes the possibility of reply disappears.

Tyler advances, more out of frustration than desire:

"I still want you here."

"Come back."

His directness is rewarded with James' direct counter reply:

"You come here."

Tyler's heart is in his throat. He and James have been flirting with each other for months, but there's always this platonic wall between them. Whenever they get physically close, James shuts down or runs away.

Tyler grew up as a girl and so he was taught that he should be the one to be courted. Beyond his general shyness, he never learned how to take the lead in romance or sex. Most of his lovers have been women, and so his interactions with James seem opaque and surprising even to himself. He sometimes sees James, who he affectionately refers to as Jamie, as a mystery to solve.

He jumps up to rush over to James' room, only to stop and wonder what he will do when he gets there. Should he put on his jeans instead of sweats? His hard packer or soft? Does he need a condom? Will he look like a freak if he shows up in his harness boxer briefs with a giant hard on when all James wants to do is watch a movie or cuddle?

He feels the fear and does it anyway, putting one foot in front of the other over the short distance between their separate hotel rooms. When he knocks he feels like it's someone else's hand. James opens the door and is standing there shyly, stripped to his boxers, which are decorated with Christmas trees and reindeer.

Their eyes meet in tenderness before parting in shyness. Tyler puts his palm to Jamie's chest, feeling the steady quick thump of his heart, while his other hand cradles the right side of Jamie's face, bringing his gaze back. Jamie's face reddens and his eyes tear, contradicting the joy on his face, a collision of locked up emotions set free all at once.

Tyler wonders how his friend is willing to be so naked, so vulnerable. Jamie's softness and vulnerability is one of the things that drew him to Jamie in the first place, almost like Jamie was a mirror of him - simultaneously confident and uneasy in his own skin. At first Tyler doesn't know how to take this assertion of intimacy, but there is really only one way to take it. Take what is given, nothing more and nothing less. Tyler wraps his arms around Jamie's waist tightly, his hands resting lightly at his lower back.

Tyler asks softly, "What do you want?"

Jamie's shyness returns, as he deflects the question: "What do you want?"

Tyler chuckles gently, "I asked you first."

Jamie returns to his occasional directness, "I want you to take whatever you want from me."

Tyler feels a shift in roles that is unfamiliar but fiercely enticing. "Take what I want..hmm?" I want to kiss you sweetly and deeply, I want to put my mouth and my tongue on your skin. I want to feel you letting me in, opening up to me. I want you to feel welcome in me."

Tyler rambles some combination of these desires while running the outside edges of his hands across Jamie's hip bones and down his pelvis. When Tyler reaches Jamie's crotch he gets bolder, "I want to suck your dick." Jamie jerks away like he's both tickled and slapped.

"I said something wrong."

"No, you didn't. I just..."

"I'm sorry. I'll take it slow."

Tyler sees Jamie starting to crumble and withdraw.

Then it hits him; he has Jamie all wrong. The times before Tyler came out that Jamie quipped, "you're a boy and I'm a girl;" the androgynous women's accessories that Jamie sports and explains only to Tyler; the drawers full of fancy metrosexual secret shoes that Jamie only told Tyler about. Tyler was assuming all along that Jamie was embarrassed about his flamboyance because he was gay and closeted, but instead it was a different room in the house.

Tyler reaches for Jamie's hand, "That isn't what you want at all, is it?

"Tell me."

"Trust me."

Tyler's hands push below the cotton of Jamie's boxers. He finds Jamie wearing a second pair of underwear. They are black and nondescript, not lacy, but too small and high cut to fully restrain his cock and balls.

"Do you want to show me what you prefer to wear, not these terribly out of season boxers?" Tyler teases, pulling on the waistband, which is frayed from age and disregard.

Jamie comes alive with elation at the freedom to dress. Jamie darts over to the suitcase, pulls off the boxers and adds a simple black bra. Jamie strikes a pose for Tyler, hip jutting out, soft wrists covering his chest with modesty, yet grinning with pride.

Seeing Jamie so happy, so wanting, gets Tyler hard. He starts to feel that link between his own FTM skin and the six inch dick decided to hard pack. He's also wet. He is all things with Jamie. He tells her so.

Tyler walks up to Jamie, running his fingertips up the thick muscles of her thighs, teasing the edges where fabric meets her skin. He leans against her to show her how she is turning him on, to give her a preview of what he can give, breathing steadily, heavily into her ear, again, the question, "what do you want?"

Jamie thrusts her hips against him in response. Tyler wants to take her but also wants to hold her trust and move slowly. He's not sure how much of herself she has ever shown to anyone before. He takes her rugged face in his delicate hands, soul peering into soul.

"You are beautiful." He tells her.

Her eyes tear, relaxing her fears, and molding it into joy. "No one's ever said that to me."

"I see parts of you that others miss," Tyler says, kissing Jamie deeply. He feels her wanting, her thick exterior falling away. He's emboldened by this feeling of desire and what she's risked of herself to share it. "Do you want me to fuck you?" Tyler asks.

Jamie looks down, this time in playful shyness. "You do don't you," Tyler pokes gently and lovingly at the mix of wanting and embarrassment that is all too familiar. "Do you want me to treat you like a woman?"

Jamie nods. "I don't know if you can given this body," she apologizes, gesturing to her hairy belly. Tyler knows how much anxiety Jamie has about that particular spot. It's the same spot that grew for Tyler when he started taking T. Tyler's proud of his developing beer belly, hairs, and love handles. He always envied Jamie's body, but it's Jamie source of alienation from herself.

He pulls Jamie close, "of course I can see you," and strokes Jamie's nipples through the fabric as he softly kisses her neck. "Lie down on your back."

He straddles her, stroking her chest and pushing her pecs together to form breasts. "I want to fuck your tits." Jamie breathes deeply, her hands lace around each other at the wrists, bound by imaginary restraints. Tyler takes Jamie's face in his hands. "Unbutton me." Her hands reach out to grab his belt, undoing his jeans with dexterity. Before he could have even done so himself, Jamie has pulled Tyler's dick out through the harness hole of his boxer briefs and its thick head hangs in the air between them.

Tyler freezes up a little at what to do. He's never been with anyone like this before. She grabs his hips forcefully pulling his shaft into her wide mouth, moving his body in small circles that electrify his genitalia beneath. She lets him fuck her mouth and her throat, making him moan. Now there is no question, he knows what he wants. He knows what she wants.

Tyler pulls away, dragging his cock from her mouth and down the crook of her chest, pushing her into the shape of a woman and fucking her like a man. He needs more of her.

He slides the panties over her muscled thighs and he gets wet at the sight of her rock hard cock. He struggles with the scripts and desires of just riding her, of thrusting her cock deep into his hole. But that's not what's happening right now.

She reminds him, "I need your cock inside me." He pushes her thighs up to her chest, opening her up to him. They fuck each other slowly in an elongated exploration of new bodies and new sensations. They fuck each other into a new existence.