Guilt

I don't deserve this, he thought, lowering his head to rest in the crook of her neck, I really don't. So I'd better do it right this time.

They stayed quietly on the couch, Kevin holding her in his arms. At last, reluctantly, he raised his head. "I guess I should go," he said. "It's really late."

Lana raised her eyes to meet his. "If you want to. You can… you can stay here, if you like."

If I'd like? He thought to himself. Good God, what else could I possibly want? Out loud, he said, "I'd love that, but only if you're sure. I don't want you to think I'm pressing you to do anything."

"You aren't," she said. She was silent for a moment, then sat up and looked at him directly. "You said you wanted to start over." He nodded, a guarded expression on his face. "I'd like that. I'm not sure where exactly we should start, but I'd like that." He nodded again, not quite sure what to say. "But, Kevin…" she paused, trying to find the right words, then decided she should just say it.

"It can't happen again," she said. Her eyes dropped but rose again quickly. "I do love you. I always will. I can forgive you for this, I don't care what anyone else thinks or says. But I can only do it this once. If it happened again..."

"It won't," he promised, knowing he shouldn't interrupt but unable to stop. "It won't."

She smiled softly and stroked his cheek. He needed a shave. "I just have to say this, I don't mean to hurt you. But if it happened again, you'd have to leave. I couldn't take it again. I'd love you, I'd miss you, but… that would be the end of it." Now she did look down at her hands. What have I done? She wondered. Replaying it in her mind, it sounded awful, sounded callous. But it was all true.

Kevin took both of her hands in one of his. "I'm not hurt. Well, if I am, it isn't your fault. You're entitled to feel… however you want to feel. I know that I have to show you I'm serious, that I need to earn your trust again. I'm sorry I only have words for that now. But I will show you, I promise."

"Well, why don't you start now?" Lana asked with a smile, bringing her lips to his.

Kevin felt lightheaded as he kissed her. He didn't realize how much he'd missed her -- the feel of her, the taste of her. How could he have been so stupid as to -- almost -- throw all of this away? He let his hands run over her arms, her sides, her hips, reacquainting himself with the curves and softness of her body. Her hair and skin smelled like berries. When he heard her sigh in contentment, it was all he could do not to pick her up and carry her to the bedroom.

As if she'd read his mind, Lana broke the kiss, but leaned her forehead against his. "We can go upstairs," she said softly. "It's much more comfortable." She found it almost difficult to talk, as she reveled in the feel of his hands and his lips. She missed the rough feel of them, and the way he tasted faintly of chocolate and spices. It had been so hard after he'd walked away, to be alone so much, to sleep alone, when she was so used to his body next to hers at night, and his company at so many other times.

"Are you… is it… all right?" he asked, stumbling over the words. He wanted so badly to make love to her, but he didn't know if they should. As much as he wanted it, he could wait if she told him they had to. Just to be with her tonight would be enough, was so much more than he'd dared hope for. "I mean, I want…" I want you, he thought, but was afraid to say it.

"It's all right," she said, realizing what he meant. "I want you, too. The doctor said it would be okay, just to be careful. I'll be fine, I just… need to take it easy for a while."

"Oh, good," he said, relieved. "I mean, we don't have to… but, God, I've missed you."

"I missed you, too," she said. She gently removed herself from his lap and stood up, taking his hand. "Come on, it's late." She winked. "Good thing tomorrow's Sunday."

Kevin smiled and laughed softly, taking her hand and standing up. He pulled her close again, resting his cheek against her hair. "I don't mean to sound like a broken record," he said, "but I am sorry. You deserved -- deserve -- so much better than that. Than me."

Lana pulled back and raised her lips to his for a short but promising kiss. "I forgive you, I really do," she said. "And whether I deserve you or not, I want you, so come with me and let's start over, okay?" She smiled, and he was dazzled.

Maybe, he thought, as he followed her up the stairs, still holding her hand, I can become what she deserves.