Guilty Pleasures

Today I came to the realization that I am not a normal woman. But in a world where normal can be highly subjective, I think I'm okay. See people have their own personal demons, drugs, alcohol, porn. My demon is rape, pure and not so simple. Most people believe that rape is about sex and that's where the misconception lies. Rape is about control period, nothing more, nothing less. The sex is irrelevant. You may ask yourself how an attractive and educated woman would allow herself to be brutalized and degraded in such a horrid fashion. Simply put, I can't help myself nor can I explain how being humiliated, abused and dragged through the depths of hell actually benefits me more than years of intensive therapy. It's like, I desire, no I need to be abused, to feel as if I'm unloved. The humiliation only serves to intensify the need, the craving to feel like I am nothing and to my rapist, I am exactly that. Nothing. Just a warm body to sate his need to wield his raging control. I don't expect you to understand, or even sympathize because I have trouble understanding this addiction.

Instead of me trying to explain to you, I'll share an experience with you. Come take a trek through the darkness of my mind.

It's thundering outside, the rain zigzags down my windowpane. Rocking back and forth in my wicker chair, I tap my telephone on my thigh, fighting this addiction.

"I will not call. I will not call." I whisper out loud, trying to convince myself that I won't give in. Apparently, the addiction prevails yet again and I make the call. This is the beauty of this arrangement, I never know who the person will be and only have a vague idea as to the when and where.

The phone only rings one time before a somewhat familiar voice picks up.

"Yes?" His abrupt tone adds a brutish edge to his already baritone voice.

"I-I", my voice falters, I mean it's hard calling to have someone violate you.

"Five seconds to state your purpose." His tone eliminates any hesitation I may have been feeling.

"I need to make an appointment." The words rush out of my mouth taking with them any moisture I may have had.

"Number." I quickly repeat my identification code. This service uses no names and payment is made via p.o. box.

"I will call back in five minutes with confirmation." CLICK.

These are always the longest five minutes in my lifetime, that's when doubts rear their ugly heads, making me question my addiction. The sound the phone ringing startles me, causing a cold beads of sweat to roll down my spine.

"H-hello?"

"Appointment confirmed."

"Time and destination please."

"Within this week. The Noble Hotel. The room has been reserved and the charges will be added to you bill. You may check in as early as tonight." CLICK.

My hands tremble as I hang up the phone. Blindly I begin to pack, the anticipation bubbling deep inside of me.

One thing I look forward to is trying pick out who my rapist will be. I never know who my violator will be. I remember once, I was returning home and there was this young, red-head boy sitting on my steps. He couldn't have been more than eighteen at the most, so naturally I dismissed him. That is until I went to unlock the door and was shoved in by this red-headed manchild. Granted he was young, but he was hung like a mule and left be bruised and sore for weeks. And I loved every painful moment!

Once I checked into my hotel room, I decided to visit the bar for a quick drink.

"Is the stool taken?"

"Only if you sit down." His voice was pleasant, smooth almost. Almost as smooth as the fine Italian suit he adorned his slightly muscular body. Smiling, I slid on the stool and ordered a rum and coke.

I gazed over at my new drinking companion, trying to pick up on his vibe. Definitely not my violator.

"So are you from around here?"

"Excuse me?" I asked, sipping on my drink.

"Oh, forgive the intrusion, I just wanted to know if you were from around here because I'm not and I was curious about the local attractions."

"Oh, no problem." Absently I mentioned a few hot spots for him to check out, trying not to be too obvious in my attempts to get rid of him. It wouldn't do to be grabbed in the bar in front of this gentleman. He seems like the knight-in-shining-armour type, just waiting to rescue the dasmel in distress. He continued to drone on and on about his vaction, his life, etc. never picking up on my now obvious hints. I started tapping my hard plastic room key on the counter.

"Well I hope you enjoy our fair city. I myself am going to rest. Have a good night." I said abruptly, marching out of the bar.

I stripped off my cotton sundress and wrapped my braids up in a bun. Turning the shower, I let the warm water wash over my smooth brown sugar skin, my fingers idly trace over the cresent shaped scar above my left nipple. A nice reminder from an overzealous rapist. Goosebumps cover my body as I relieve that horrible night, involuntary shudders causes my body to blissfully tremble at the mere thought of what happened that night. I was so lost in my thoughts as I floated back into the room, slipping on my cotton nightshirt before crawling between the sheets. The instant my head hits the pillow, my heavy lids close, allowing me to slip into darkness.

"Wake up, bitch!" Rough hands yank the covers off of me, a bright flashlight blinds my still focusing eyes.

"Yeh bitch, you like flirting with muthafuckas and then leavin them, right bitch?" I couldn't think straight as I was hauled out of the bed and smashed against the wall. My slow response or lack thereof must have further infuriated my attacker. I vaguely saw his huge fist hurling at my face. I braced myself for the blow that surely was going to do some damage. However, he pulled his punch short and instead of possibly breaking my jaw, he slapped my face, making my head snap back.

"Answer me when I speak to you, understand?!" He shook my body so hard that my teeth began to rattle in my head.

"Y-yes..I-I understand." I felt something wet against the corner of my lip. The tip of my tongue confirmed my suspicions that the wetness was in fact blood. I could feel his hands roaming underneath my nightshirt and something snapped inside of me when I felt his fingers brush across the scar on my breast.

"Get off of me!" I screamed, my arms and legs swinging wildly.

"Bitch!" he hissed as my foot came into contact with his thigh. He let go of my arms and I sprinted towards the door. Suddenly I was tackled to the ground like I was a quarterback trying to make a touchdown.

"You really are gonna catch hell now, you fucking cunt!" he growled in my ear. Grabbing a handful of hair, he smashed my face against the floor, sending me into darkness.

"Wakey wakey lil girl."

A cold splash of water brings me back to reality. I tried to bring my hand to my forehead to check for any lumps when I realized that my hands were tied behind my back and my ankles were tied to the bedposts.

"See, I was goin to be gentle until you decided that you wanted to be a hero. It would have been quick, easy and not that painful. Now it's gonna be long, hard and..well let's just say I hope you got a high tolerance for pain." he chuckled.

The cold steel of his knife scraped my thighs as he sliced away my nightshirt.

"Well looks like I stumbled on a real beauty. Look at those tits..ooh mamma am I gonna love this." he crooned, licking his lips.

"Please..." I began to plead. Pleas that were immediately cut off by a strip of nightshirt being wadded up and shoved in my mouth.

"Silence." Just to emphasize his point, fleshy palms slap my breasts hard, leaving angry red handprints in their wake. I bit down against the cotton in my mouth, tears streaming down the side of my face as he continued to slap my breasts.

His laugh was sinister as he slowly dragged his knife down the center of my body, lightly flicking the point against my nipples, which immediately betrayed me by becoming erect. Seeing this made him laugh even more. To my utter shame, I could feel the swelling beginning between my legs, the thickening of my labia, the throb in my clitoris, the fluid trickling down to the cleft of my buttocks. I squeezed my eyes tightly when I felt the metallic coldness slip inside my womanly folds.

"My, my, my looks like somebody is enjoying this", he leaned close to my ear, "Your enjoying this aren't you? Look at how you're squirming. You're getting off on this aren't you, you sick bitch. You're a fuckin slut." He squeezed my breast hard, twisting my nipple. My muffled screams must have seem musical to his ears. His hands left my sore breasts and moved on to other areas to torment. The lucky recipient was my womanhood.

He grabbed my vagina in his hand, clenching my labia in a vice-like grip. My legs bounced against the bed, trembling as the pain shot through my body.

"Un-fucking-believable! You're gettin wetter! You are a disgusting slut!"

The tears flowed freely down my face as he twisted my labia, the pain was incredible. Roughly he spread my puffy lips apart and flicked his thumb across my clit. My body didn't know how to react, one minute intense searing pain, then sweet pleasure.

"Let's see what else you got lil lady." He cut the ties on my ankles and flipped me over on my stomach.

"Gat damn that's a pretty ass you got there. I need to get a better look at that." He took two of the pillows and propped my ass up. My body now shook uncontrollably. My ass was nearly virginal and I had a sinking feeling that that status was going to change.

Suddenly, ice was being rubbed against my bared backside.

"This is gonna be on ass whuppin you're gonna remember for a looong time."

I didn't even have time to brace myself. The whallops from his thick leather belt crisscrossed against my ass with such speed that I couldn't tell when one blow landed from the breeze signaling the next one. I buried my face into the mattress letting it absorb my tears and screams. Apparently he wasn't satisfied with silence. He yanked my head back by my hair, snatching out the gag.

"I wanna hear you beg for me to stop."

It was too late for me, for I was beyond words. I could only sob, my throat was raw from screams.

"See I was gonna stop whipping your ass, but since you don't want to listen..." his voice trailed off. I could hear the rustle of his clothes being shed. The weight of the bed shifted as he climbed on behind me. The throbbing pain in my ass distracted me from his probing finger pushing against the tight skin of my anus.

"Hmm..what do we have here...a slutty virgin...", he chuckled nastily, "don't worry mamma...big daddy's gonna take care real good care of that."

"P-Please..dear God...don't..." I hoarsly begged.

"Too late for that lil girl. Only thing that's gonna help you is prayer. 'Cuz I'm gettin ready to tear your ass apart." With no other warning, he spat on my nearly virginal asshole and pressed his bulbous head onward.

"Please! Please! DEAR GODDDDDDDD HELP MEEEEEE!" I screamed as I felt the tight ring of muscle give way to his thick member. His grip on my thighs tightened as he continued to push deeper inside.

"That's right bitch! Ain't nobody gonna help you now! Fuck me your ass is tight!" he panted as he continued to violate my ass. Grabbing his belt, he began to lash my ass in sync with his strokes.

"Yeehaa! I'm gonna ride your into the sunset!" he laughed. Yanking his weapon out of my ass, he flipped me over and stradled my chest.

"Open your mouth cunt! Suck my dick clean!" he ordered, pushing his dick against my lips. He pinched my nose hard, forcing me to gasp for air through my mouth. As soon as my lips parted, he shoved his dick in my mouth, making me gagged.

"That's right you sick bitch, suck my dick real good and I damn sure better not feel any teeth or I'm really gonna fuck you up."

I cried as he fucked my mouth, bruising my lips. He pulled out to slap me in the face, drawing blood this time. Rubbing his dick against my lip, he smeared blood all over my mouth and cheeks before ramming back in my mouth. The sounds of his balls smacking against my chin and his animalistic grunts drowned out the sound of my muffled cries.

"That's good enough lil girl. Now I'm gonna stick it to you real good mamma."

He grabbed my legs, spreading them wide as he unceremoniously speared my pussy with his saliva and blood coated dick.

"Good lawd your pussy is hotter than a Los Vegas summer! I swear it's like fucking a vat of hot pudding, all soft and squishy!" He grunted as he moved back and forth. He looked deep in my eyes, seeing the fear and utter loathing and sneered.

"You hate me don't you, bitch? I know you do. I'm gonna make you hate me even more."

His strokes changed, as if he was searching for something. Every time he nearly pulled out, the edge of his flared cap scraped against my clit. It dawned on my all of a sudden what he meant by making me hate him even more. He was trying to make me orgasm.

"You don't have to do this...please..please...ohhhhh....nooo...d-don't...." My pleading soon turned into moaning as I was betrayed by every fiber of my being. I could feel my pussy melting around his dick.

"That's right...cum on my dick mamma...cum for Daddy..." he crooned, rubbing his thumb against my clit in small circles. Wetting his fingers with my juices, he slid his fingers inside my abused asshole. That was my utter undoing.

"NOOOOOOOO!" I cried as my body succumbed to the unwanted orgasm. My hips bucked against his driving him deeper inside of me. I couldn't help myself.

"Oh fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck meeeeee!" I chanted. I don't know if I was cursing my own weakness or begging for him to fuck me. Either way, he started pounding my spasming pussy with such speed and precision that I was coming again, even harder than before.

"Oh shit mamma...I'm gettin ready to bust!" he grunted, pulling out just in time to for me to feel the warm splatter of sperm hit my breasts, then my face as he climbed atop, jerking his dick, sending creamy strings flying across my face.

"Gat damn...gat damn..gat damn!" He climbed off of my chest and repositioned himself between my legs. I was unprepared for the attack of his hot tongue on my overly sensitive clit.

"Bitch you're gonna hate me forever..." I heard him mutter against my pussy. My legs wrapped around his head like earmuffs, hips wantonly humping his tongue. Soon I was teetering on the edge when he climbed up.

"Don't worry mamma...you're gonna cum again for me..." He rubbing his dick against my clit and sure as he predicted, I was coming again. My cries of ecstasy was cut short by his hands choking me. I began to gasp for air, my body bucking beneath him out of fear and a sudden intensification of my orgasm. I have never came this hard before in life. The fear of dying must be the reason. As the orgasm subsided, he continued choking me, the last thing I remembered before passing out was him grunting as he came on my stomach.

I must have slept through the night because when I regained consciousness, the morning light filled my room. I rubbed my sore wrists, grateful that he freed them before he left. Gingerly I walked to the bathroom, my pussy and ass were still sore and tender from last night. I nearly cried when I peed. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Dried and crusty sperm flaked off my face. I stepped inside of the shower and began to wash away the remmanents of my attack.

"Why good morning friend."

I was surprised to see the guy from the bar standing there.

"Oh, good morning." I murmured, adjusting the silk scarf hiding the bruising chain of fingerprints around my neck.

"It's a pleasure to see you again. I really meant to catch your name last night."

"Oh. I'm Kylie."

"Nice to meet you, again Kylie. I'm Brent."

"Such an odd name for an African-American male." I joked.

"Yes, I know. But I was lucky, my brothers are named Errol, Humphrey, and Fitzgerald."

"My goodness, you are the lucky one." I laughed, wincing slightly. My throat was still raw from last night.

"Are you alright?"

"Oh, I think I might be catching a cold. I'll be fine."

"Mind if I walk you out to your car?"

"Not at all." I said, handing him my bag.

We made pleasant chit-chat until reaching my car. Like the gentleman that he was, Brent put my bag in the trunk and opened my door. Brent reached inside his bag and pulled out a gift wrapped box.

"I hope I'm not being too forward, but I was hoping that I would catch you before you left to give you a small token of my appreciation for taking mercy on an out of towner." Brent flashed a brilliant smile.

"Why, I don't know what to say Brent."

"Just say thank you and promise to keep in touch. My business card is inside."

"I will Brent. Take care." I waved goodbye as he strolled to his car. I carefully adjusted my seat, wincing as the pain from my ass shot through my body. Remembering his gift, I unwrapped the box. My mouth fell open when I looked inside. It was a round pillow with a note attached saying "I figured you might be needing this. Keep in touch mamma."

I stared at the note and laughed. I tucked his business card in the driver's vizor and pulled out of the parking lot.

I called Brent again, but that's another story....

And the addiction continues...without a cure in sight....

~Fin~

experimenting with a new subject matter...let me know if I should continue *smiles*