Have Faith

“I can’t believe you’re gonna do this,” my friend Mike said.

“Well I can’t believe things actually came to this,” I replied.

I was standing in his room, watching him pack up all his belongings into suitcases. As for me, I had all the belongings I could take slung in a bag over my shoulder.

“You really are serious aren’t you?” Mike asked, stopping his packing to look up at me. “About this whole going out to die for Big Brother thing.”

“You know I don’t believe in ‘Big Brother’,” I told him.

“Yeah I know. But still. They started this war.”

Truth be told, nobody knew who started the war. Fingers were being pointed all around the globe – it was like World War III we always joked about in high school, only this time it was real. Nobody has quite figured out what happened. All they knew was that suddenly diplomatic ties were cut, declarations of war issued, troops mobilized. After some consideration, I had volunteered for the armed forces – at least then, I figured, I could choose my branch, get some real training, and not get shipped out as a green recruit when the draft kicked in. I tried explaining that to Mike too.

“Or you coulda jet to Canada with me,” he countered. “Canada doesn’t piss anybody off. They’re staying outta this one.” He shook his head. “But I guess some things never change about you.”

“I’m surprised it took you this long to figure it out,” I joked.

“Hey man,” Mike said as he came over and gave me a hug. “Listen up – no hero shit out there okay? None of that drawin’ fire, taking charge crap we see in the movies. Things get bad, you duck and let other people do the dying. Shoot when they tell you to and don’t attract attention to yourself.”

“Don’t worry Mike, I’ll be okay.”

“You’d better – you still owe me a couple of drinks and I’m planning to cash in on those.”

“Take care of yourself Mike. Stay out of trouble.”

“You too, Brad.”

-----------------------

I stopped by Linda’s apartment the night before I was scheduled to report for duty. It was kind of late, but I rang the bell anyway. I had just turned to walk away when I finally heard the door open behind me. Linda was standing in the doorway, dressed in her pajamas. Her hair, which was down over her shoulders, was slightly damp.

“I hope I didn’t wake you,” I said quietly.

She shook her head.

“Carter’s in bed. I was just sitting up reading.”

Carter was Linda’s son from a marriage that had come apart about seven years earlier. He had been born about the time the divorce was finalized.

“I… uh…,” I looked down at my feet and toed the mat in front of her door. “I just came to say goodbye.”

“I know,” Linda said quietly.

Linda and I had met when I was a lowly college student cruising through the local mall looking for a summer job. At the time she had been managing a store there, and she hired me on. I developed a crush on her almost instantly, but through the years that we knew each other I was always her best friend.

Linda was always a lively and talkative person. But she had been abnormally quiet when I told her over the phone that I was leaving. Kind of like she was now.

“Linda, I want you to promise me something,” I said, taking her hands in mine. “I want you to promise me that you’ll always live life for all that it’s worth. Make the most of everything that God sends your way and leave good impressions on everyone, whether that person is a Carter, a client, or your jerk of an ex-husband. Trust your heart to tell you what you need, and be honest with yourself. And always have faith.”

“Brad, why are you telling me these things?” she asked. “You’re going to come back.”

“I can’t promise you that Linda,” I replied. “I want to, but I can’t. Just trust that the Lord will bring us together again, whether it’s on this earth or in heaven.”

“Why?” she demanded tearfully. “Why do you have to go?”

“Linda, we’ve been over this…”

“Yeah well I’m being honest Brad. I still don’t understand.”

“Because…,” I paused, looking into my own heart for the right explanation. “Because I look at you and I look at Carter, and this isn’t the world I want you to live in. This isn’t the world I want him to grow up in. And I have a chance to make it a better world for both of you.”

“There’s plenty of people in the military already,” she argued. “Let them go out there and die. It doesn’t mean you have to go.”

“Linda, you know I can’t sit back and let others do the fighting for me. And besides, if everyone says that same thing to themselves, who would we have to fight for us?”

Linda sobbed, and teardrops ran down her cheeks. I bit my lip. Seeing her cry was enough to bring me to tears as well.

“Carter…,” she stammered. “He thinks you’re the greatest. He told me that you’re the best friend he has. And you’re the best friend I have too. How am I supposed to tell him that you’re gone?”

I wiped away her tears with my fingertips.

“I’m sorry that I don’t have an answer for you, Linda. I’ll be as careful as I can be out there. And I’ll never give up fighting if you won’t.”

“Brad, I love you.”

We had been saying those words for years now. I always meant every word, and I knew she did too. But I always wondered if she meant them the way I meant them. I could never figure out if she loved me just as a friend, or if there was more.

“I love you too, Linda.”

I wasn’t about to leave without letting her know. Her face was still cradled in my hands. I leaned in and kissed her lips, being sure to linger longer than our usual friendly pecks. I memorized every surface of her face with my hands and inhaled the scent of her hair one more time before pulling back. There were no more words between us as I stepped back from her doorstep and slowly turned to walk away.

The next day, Linda wasn’t at the bus station when my family dropped me off. Part of me had hoped she would show up, to tell me that she loved me the same way. That would have been enough for me to turn back. But I knew that wasn’t the way it was to be – it wasn’t what God had planned for me or for her.

The next few years were, to put it simply, hell. But war always is. I took Mike’s advice, never doing anything to make myself stand out. What mattered to me was surviving and getting home to see Linda again. To see Carter grow up. The picture I had of the two of them, taken when Carter was still a toddler, got me through the nights out on the battlefield. At least it did until the news came.

For most of the war, the U.S. had done a good job of keeping the fighting confined to foreign soil. One of the advantages that grew out of Bush’s war on terrorism was that compared to stopping terrorist attacks, defending against organized military forces was cake for the Department of Homeland Security. Unfortunately, a few bombing strikes still managed to get through here and there. One of those hit all too close to home.

After news of the bombing came, I had spent hours on the phone trying to get in touch with somebody back home. Finally, I was able to reach my brother, who told me that my family had been banged around but everyone was alive. I asked him to contact Linda for me, but apparently he got the same results I had – her cell phone provider was down and her home phone, which she rarely answered anyway, was disconnected. I spent as much time as I could trying to reach her, but to no avail.

Eventually, I began to lose hope in ever seeing my Linda again. I drifted through each day on the field, not really caring if I lived or died. Then one day, in the middle of a firefight, I found myself taking cover next to the body of an enemy sniper. Apparently he wasn’t very good at his job. And apparently none of his buddies knew where he was either. I picked up his rifle, which was lying in the dirt next to him. He definitely wasn’t very good at his job – the weapon was almost completely loaded, and he had plenty of spare ammunition still available. His position didn’t provide a very good view of his forces, but it was good enough. Looking through the scope, I picked a target and fired. The rush I got watching the man’s head explode was difficult to describe. It was like I was living again, but at the same time it hurt and burned of anger. Not really aware of myself, I picked another soldier and shot him as he ran for cover.

After that day, every enemy soldier I killed in battle was like some sort of atonement for the friend and companion that I had lost. When my years were up, and I was offered the choice to go home or stay, I almost chose to stay. But after a long talk with one of the chaplains I had befriended on the field, I realized that I could gun down the entire opposing army and it wouldn’t bring Linda back. I cried my eyes out that night for the first time since the war had begun. And the next day I went home. I got in touch with my family rather easily, and even Mike wasn’t too hard to find in Canada. But there was still no sign of Linda.

For a few years after I got home, I kept on searching. I looked up Linda’s name in phone books wherever I went and called all the numbers, getting no positive results. I even tried calling her ex-husband, but his was a common name and apparently he too had vanished during the course of the war. All the while I was working, using the law degree I had earned prior to the war. I realized that even with parts of the country falling apart from bombings, as long as people had something to complain about lawyers would always be in demand. It didn’t take long for me make pretty good money, and soon I had pretty much gotten my life back to where it was before the war.

One Friday, as I was leaving my office with thoughts of a warm shower and a good night’s sleep in mind, I heard Annalee, the receptionist, apparently arguing with somebody. I turned the corner to see what was going on.

“I’m sorry,” Annalee said, “But you can’t see anybody without an appointment.”

The person she was speaking to, who looked like a high school student, was livid about something or other.

“So you’re telling me my asshole dad can show up out of nowhere and start raising hell with my mom, and you won’t help me until I get an appointment?” he asked.

“Is everything all right Annalee?” I interrupted.

Annalee looked at me, flustered and slightly grateful for the interruption.

“Everything’s fine Brad, just explaining to this young man that he needs an appointment before he can see an attorney.”

I’m not sure why I said what I said next, but I did.

“Well family law isn’t my specialty, but I’m off company time right now. He can sit down and have a chat with me.”

“Are you sure Brad?” Annalee asked.

I wasn’t, but I said I was anyway.

As we headed back to my office, the kid gave Annalee a look that said, “I told you so.”

“Okay, first some ground rules,” I told him as he sat down. He didn’t quite seem to be paying attention – he was looking around the room at the furnishings.

I guess I couldn’t blame him, as my office was pretty well-equipped by post-war standards. A lot of the stuff – the state-of-the-art computer, Sharper Image electronics, leather chairs – wasn’t available to most. I was just lucky to have the degrees I had. Of the two, only my law degree was hanging on the wall. My undergraduate degree in chemistry had gotten a little beaten up during the war.

“Hey,” I said, snapping my fingers to get the kid’s attention. “Like I said, ground rules. First off – no getting smart with Annalee. If I hadn’t volunteered to meet with you, she could have called the police.”

The kid instantly seemed to mellow out and became quite polite, and very shy.

“I know, sir. I’m sorry. I just lost my temper.”

“What exactly is getting you so worked up?” I asked as I leaned forward to my desk.

“Like I was telling her, it’s my dad. The jerk goes missing all through the war, and my mom has to take care of me on her own. Then he shows up outta nowhere today and starts threatening to sue her for all she’s got because he didn’t get his two days a week or whatever during the war. But nobody could even find him!”

“So I take it your parents are divorced?” I asked, typing notes on my computer.

“Yeah, been divorced since I was a baby.”

“And how old are you now?”

“Sixteen. Just got my license a few days ago. It’s how I got down here – my dad tried to get me to go with him to make up for lost time or some garbage like that. Instead I just hopped in Mom’s car and left.” He was quiet for a few moments, as if mulling over something he had just said. “I should probably get back. She’s got no car, so she couldn’t even get out of my dad’s face if she wanted to.”

I was impressed by the kid’s concern. Most teens his age, at least while I was growing up, didn’t think for anyone but themselves and maybe their friends.

“Well I’ll try not to keep you long,” I told him, “but I’d like to get down some of your info so I can pass it along to a buddy of mine over in family law. It’ll only take a few minutes. Since you’re apparently wanting to stay with your mom, and you’re only sixteen, they’ll have to meet with her at some point because she’s still your legal guardian.”

“Yeah, okay, I can stick around a few minutes. Thanks for helping me, by the way.”

“No problem,” I said as I pulled up a new file on the computer. “Now, I need your full name.”

“Carter Michael Stryker.”

I paused for a moment, then slowly typed in the rest of his name.

“And your mother’s name…” I looked up at him before continuing, slowly. “Your mother’s name is Linda Michelle Stryker.”

Carter’s eyes widened.

“Your father is Richard Stryker,” I continued, my hands beginning to tremble. “He cheated on your mom and that’s why they got a divorce.”

“Whoa, hold up,” Carter said. “This is too weird.”

I just kept prattling on, my heart was pounding and I couldn’t really stop myself.

“Your mom used to work at a store in the mall. Your dad owned a restaurant. Your mom likes peaches, Celine Dion, and volleyball. You,” I pointed at Carter. “Your favorite cartoon when you were younger was Spongebob. At your second birthday one of your mom’s friends came dressed up in a Spongebob costume. For Halloween the year you were one, you were a vampire and the year after that you were Piglet and your mom was Pooh.”

At this point Carter was looking at me very strangely. I wasn’t sure if he was afraid of me or just curious.

“How do you know all this stuff?” he asked quietly. “I mean – some of it I don’t even really remember, like the birthday and the Halloween costumes. I’ve seen pictures though.”

Shakily, I slid him a blank letterhead and let him read my name off of it.

“Carter, my name is Brad Christian. I,” I had to swallow the lump in my throat to keep talking. “I was a friend of your mom’s. I used to visit the two of you a lot.”

Carter cocked his side to one side and looked at me again.

“Yeah,” he said slowly. “Yeah! I remember you. You took us to see the Spongebob movie when it came out. And… you gave me that new bike for my fourth birthday!”

The tension was finally broken, and I couldn’t contain my smile anymore.

“Man Carter, I’ve missed you,” I told him.

“Whatever happened to you anyway?” he asked. “You just kind of dropped off the earth when I was seven. Mom said you came by but she never talked much about it.”

“I went to fight in the war,” I told him. “I tried to get in touch with you two after our old neighborhood was attacked, but I never could.”

“Yeah, we were actually up at my grandma’s place when it happened. Everything was trashed.”

There were a few moments of silence as both of us absorbed what had just taken place between us.

“Man this is crazy,” Carter exclaimed. “Wait ‘til I tell Mom about this. Oh shoot, I’d better get back!”

“Do you mind if I come with you?” I asked cautiously. “I… I’d kind of like to see your mom, if that’s okay.”

Carter thought about it for a few moments.

“Yeah I guess, I mean, I don’t see why not. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind a friend showing up at her door, instead of my dad. I can drive you there.”

-------------------------------

Linda was pretty panicked when Carter and I got to their place. She was standing in her doorway as Carter pulled in. Even though she was distressed, she looked as beautiful as ever. I just sat frozen in the passenger seat as Carter got out. I couldn’t believe it was really happening, that I was seeing them again. I almost expected to wake up out of the dream at any moment. But that moment never came.

“Carter, where did you go?” Linda demanded sternly, even as she pulled him close and hugged him. “I was worried you’d get yourself into trouble.”

“Awww Mom,” he complained. “It was nothing. I’ve been gone longer.”

“Yeah but with your dad being such a jerk and all that’s happened today I kind of… who…?”

She stopped in mid-sentence and looked up at me as I got out of the passenger side of the car.

“Look who I found, Mom,” Carter said, pointing to me.

“Hi Linda,” I said quietly.

Linda was silent and still for several moments. Then she stammered, mainly incoherent sounds. Finally, before I really realized what was happening, she flung herself at me and wrapped her arms around me. My arms instinctively did the same to her, and we pulled each other tightly into a hug.

“It’s really you,” I heard her sob into my shoulder. “My God, it’s really you.”

I tipped my head down and kissed her hair as her hands gripped my shirt collar. Her hair smelled exactly like I remembered it.

After a few more minutes of tears and embraces, she stepped back and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

“If you had told me you were coming,” she sniffled, “I would’ve cleaned the place up and put on something a little more presentable.”

We were both aware that Carter was still hanging around the doorstep watching us, but it didn’t really matter.

“Linda, there’ll be plenty of time for that.”

I placed both hands back on her waist and pulled her toward me. I leaned in and she tilted her head back just so, both of us flowing seamlessly into a kiss that had been postponed for far too long. It was just like the kiss we shared the night I left, but at the same time it was infinitely better. Her hands drifted around my neck and she curled her fingers into my hair, pulling me in closer. Eventually we broke apart and I leaned my forehead against hers, both of us crying.

“I love you Brad,” she whispered. “I love you.”

“I love you too Linda,” I whispered back. “I love you in the deepest and most heartfelt way imaginable. And don’t worry.”

I looked into her eyes, then over her shoulder at Carter and back at her.

“This time, I’m here to stay.”